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Mistress Jokes

66 mistress jokes and hilarious mistress puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mistress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Mistress Short Jokes

Short mistress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mistress humour may include short dominatrix jokes also.

  1. Two frenchmen were strolling down a boulevard... When one of them gasped, "Mon Dieu - here come my wife and my mistress!"
    "Sacre Bleu!" Exclaimed his friend. "I was about to say the same thing!"
  2. What is the difference between a wife and a mistress? The mistress says "Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!"
    The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."
  3. What the Girlfriend, the Mistress and the Wife say Girlfriend: Are you done already?
    Mistress: Are you done yet?
    Wife: Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige...
  4. Now that I'm married, it's weird not saying "my girlfriend" anymore. I have to get used to saying "my mistress" now.
  5. What did the Frenchman say when his mistress' husband hit him over the head with an iron? Fer enough.
  6. 1 out of 3 people (Oops) I read that ONE out of three people in a relationship, were unfaithful.
    I'm trying to determine if it's my WIFE or my MISTRESS.
  7. Why did Einstein stop seeing his mistress? She fell in love and he didn't anticipate entanglement
  8. I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror. I know my wife would never think to look there.
  9. When I compare my wife and my mistress I find it fascinating how different sisters can be.
  10. My wife went to Jupiter and found pictures of me and a mistress. She was crushed. My mistress asked what the big deal was... she didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

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Mistress One Liners

Which mistress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mistress? I can suggest the ones about missus and goddess.

  1. The Mistress of the King was caught with him in bed. Now she's royally screwed.
  2. Gravity is a harsh mistress... *... but she has reasonable rates!*
  3. What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress? I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.
  4. A man's wife is his better half His mistress is his better whole
  5. Definition: Mistress It's what goes between the mister and the mattress.
  6. why should every husband have a mistress? To break the monogamy.
  7. Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical m**... store I'll call it glazed and confused
  8. What do call Prince Harry's mistress?
  9. where does a cheating spouse take their mistress to a fair
  10. What did the British gentleman say to his mistress? "I have arrived!"
  11. Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
    A: About fifty pounds.
  12. What did the unfaithful cowboy gunslinger call his mistress? "Side Piece"
  13. What did the female vampire say to her human mistress? "See you next month!"
  14. Why is Jay Z's mistress so mad all the time? Cuz she'd rather be yoncé
  15. A guy is having problems with his wife, so he finds a mistress now he has two problems

Mistress joke, A guy is having problems with his wife, so he finds a mistress

Witty Mistress Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about mistress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean maid jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mistress pranks.

This could be considered the ideal world for many men:
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of p**....
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

Please settle an argument regarding this joke: why is it funny?

>What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>30 pounds.
This joke has been the source of debate among my peers. I know I'm right, but I need evidence/validation. Why is this joke funny? What is the punch line implying?
----

An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...

After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.
Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!

Two dogs are at the vet talking.

Two dogs are at the vet talking.
Great Dane: So what are you here for?
Poodle: Well I've been wandering around the neighborhood too much lately looking for s**... so they're having me castrated, you?
Great Dane: My mistress does the housework n**..., she was bending over cleaning the vegetable draw in the fridge and I just couldn't help myself so I went for it.
Poodle: So you're here for castration too hey?
Great Dane: No, I'm here to get my claws trimmed.

Small World

A lawyer and a doctor are golfing. There are two women ahead of them that are playing really slow, so the lawyer decides to ask them if they can play through. While driving up to them, he realizes the two women are his wife and mistress! He turns around without saying anything and tells the doctor the situation. After a few more holes the doctor has had enough. He goes to talk to the women but turns around before he gets there. When he gets back he looks at the lawyer and says, "Small world."

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.

what do you call a r**...'s mistress

A second cousin

Should a white wife sue both white husband and Asian mistress for destroying their lives if exposed on Ashley Madison?

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?

A man is at a hotel with his wife's friend when he receives a message and gets surprised.

The mistress asks: "who was it my love?". He answers scratching his head: "it was my wife, she said she is going to be late because she went to the movies with you".

Juno and Jupiter Sitting in Space

jupiter's moons were named after the Roman god's mistresses and this week NASA sent a spacecraft named after his wife, Juno, to observe the planet. If they find evidence that Jupiter has been unfaithful, the next thing NASA will be sending is a Death Star.

A man is talking to his wife

When our neighbor Steve got a new leather sofa, you made me buy a better sofa. When he took his wife on a vacation you made us go on a better vacation. But now I am not sure what to do.
Did he get something new?
Yes, a mistress.

If a straight man cheats on his wife, the other woman is called his mistress.

So if a gay man cheats on his husband, is the other man his mister?

I cheated on my 24 year old girlfriend

I apologized and told her my mistress is half the woman she is.
"That's because she's 12!", said my girlfriend.

A wife has a c**... day and decides to come home early from work

When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out n**..., spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.

My mistress dressed as a policewoman arrested me under suspicion of being too good in bed

After 10 seconds of gun action, the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

I was playing golf last weekend

There were two women ahead of us playing very slowly.
After 5 holes, I'd had enough, and went ahead to ask if we could play through.
I soon came back with a look of t**... on my face, and said it was my wife and my mistress and there was no way I could approach them and ask to play through, would he do it instead?
He went ahead, then returned and said "it's a small world, isn't it?"

Lady of my dreams

The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!
She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".

I just found out that the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal.

My wife going to be so surprised to have a t**... with my mistress!

Two good friends go golfing

Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. o**... says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale.
"Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"

A guy visits his favorite d**...

He puts his money on the bedside table and says I've been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.
She makes him s**... and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.
She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free.
Don't worry, I can fix this he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work.
In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed.
He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams.
Good as new, mistress!
She says This sub really loves reposts.

A man and his wife are eating at a restaurant when another woman smiles and waves at him

"Who is that woman, dear?" the wife asks.
"She's no one," he responds.
But his wife keeps badgering him, so he relents, "Okay... that's my mistress."
"And who's that other woman with her?" the wife asks.
"That's Bob's mistress," the man replies.
"Ours is prettier."

A man asks for his wife on his deathbed

Man: Dear I have to tell you a secret.
Wife: You don't have to.
Man: I must. I cannot leave this world with this secret. Please forgive me.
Wife: Ok, tell me.
Man: I have a mistress.
Wife: I know. I found out earlier today. Now stop resisting and let the rat poison kill you.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.
"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ok, so what about the third body?"
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.

Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

Two guys are playing golf.......

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.
So one man says to his friend, ‟I am gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.
He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, ‟One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why do not you go talk to them?
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, ‟Now what happened?
To this he replies, ‟Small world.

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

Having puppies

**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**
Rover, "Why are you guys here?"
Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.
Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.
How about you Rover?"
Rover, "Well, my mistress was getting out of the shower yesterday, I love her *sooo* much. *Ah-Rooo*. Seeing her n**..., bent over drying her foot, well, I jumped on. "
The other two - "So you're getting you nuts cut off too?"
Rover, "h**... no! I'm getting my nails trimmed."

Would you rather have a mistress or a wife?

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist were asked if they would rather have a mistress or a wife.
The doctor says I would rather have a wife so that I have someone to go home to after a long day at the hospital.
The lawyer says I'd rather have a mistress that way I don't have to share any of my money if it doesn't work out.
The scientist says I'd rather have both. When asked why the scientist replied, that way the wife thinks I'm with the mistress and the mistress thinks I'm with the wife but really I'm in the lab working!

short joke

**Every Wife Is A Mistress For Her Husband.**
**Miss For One Hour**
**And**
**.**
**.**
**.**
**.**
**Stress For The Remaining 23 Hours.**

Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

Mistress joke, The Mistress of the King was caught with him in bed.

jokes about mistress