Mister Jokes
105 mister jokes and hilarious mister puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mister that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for a good laugh? Check out these Mister Jokes featuring Mister Bean, Mister Monkey, Mister and Mrs., Missy, Mistress, and more. Give these lighthearted jokes a chance - they'll have you sympathizing with the characters and laughing out loud in no time!
Funniest Mister Short Jokes
Short mister jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mister humour may include short mr t jokes also.
- "You're telling me that I'm losing my job because donald trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."
- Did you hear mike tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
- What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room? Tell a porter.
- Who's bigger- Mister Bigger or Mister Bigger's baby? Well, Mister Bigger's baby's a just little bigger.
- A Lord of the Rings Joke How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?
He read it in the Hobbituary. - This one might be a stretch Which Star Trek character do cleaners hate the most?
Mister Spock
Missed a spot... yah. :'( - If a straight man cheats on his wife, the other woman is called his mistress. So if a gay man cheats on his husband, is the other man his mister?
- One time a student asked me, "Hey Mister. What side of the country is the Specific Ocean on?" I gave him a very vague answer.
- Ever since Stan Lee died I've been trying to find out his dad's name. Oh well, I guess it's a Mister Lee.
- An Asian kid's life Kid: Dad, I got an A-
Dad: Don't talk to me anymore. Next time you get something below A, don't call me dad anymore.
The next day
Kid: Excuse me, mister...
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Mister One Liners
Which mister one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mister? I can suggest the ones about mr mrs and missus.
- What's the gender neutral version of "mister" an "miss" Miss-ter-y
- What do you call the guy who gets all the women pregnant? Mister Period
- What was Sydney Poitier's favorite soda? "MISTER PIBB"
- How do you address the most suspicious letter of the alphabet? Mister E...
- Why is Dairy Queen always in a bad mood? Because she's married to Mister Softee.
- Why did the orange stop rolling halfway up the hill? Because he ran out of juice!
- Definition: Mistress It's what goes between the mister and the mattress.
- I'm tired of searching for x And Mister, don't ask y
- What did the band director say to the misbehaving kid? You're in treble mister!
- Who did Mister Hippie marry? Missus Hippie!
- What do you call an 800 pound gorilla with a spray bottle? Mister.
- What did the the mountain climber say to the mountain? I'm sick of your altitude, mister!
- What did the Dr. say to the letter E when discussing E's life? You're a Mister E to me
- What did Mister A say to Mister E? It's the popular mystery.
- I was told to not misgender others... So now I Mister Gender them instead.
Mister And Misses Jokes
Here is a list of funny mister and misses jokes and even better mister and misses puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Excuse me, mister, but why are you riding a buggy? "I'm Amish!"
"Oh I'm sorry, miss, why are you riding a buggy?"
Gather Around for Heartwarming Mister Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about mister you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mr and mrs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mister pranks.
A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.
The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."
The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Italian Wedding Invitation (must be read aloud, including punctuation marks)
**You, wedding Rosa mister.**
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm scared Mister
So a r**.../m**... is walking into a deep dark wooded area with a 6 year old boy. They are pretty far into the woods when the young boy says: "Mister, I'm scared." The old man turns to the boy and says: "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk out of these woods alone."
Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.
Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?
Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"
the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An young Irish boy
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mouse and an elephant
A male mouse and female elephant, which are very much in love with each other, are having s**... in the jungle. Mr mouse does his best, but if course miss elephant didn't really enjoy it.
Monkeys up in the trees see the scene and decide to throw coconuts at them. Miss elephant is hit on the head and tell "ouch"
Mister mouse stops and asks, worried "Did I hurt you?"
(Translated from French, sorry for my English)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gimme a triple shot of Jack
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"
Random Drug search
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Homeless Girl
An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about eighteen ransacking the place.
He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were n**... and in bed together. The old man tried and tried harder, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped... "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."
take a hike.
a man is walking through the forest with a little girl when it starts getting dark. the wind starts whistling through the trees and the girl squeezes the mans hand and says "mister I'm getting scared!" the man replied "you're scared? I have to walk out of these woods alone!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's a child m**... and a little boy walking into the woods...
They keep walking deeper and deeper, and its getting darker and darker; scarier and scarier. Further and further they walk. The boy looks up at the child m**... and says "Gee Mister, I'm getting scared." and the child m**... looks down at the kid and says: "You think you're scared kid, I gotta walk out of here alone."
Edit*: from the film Blue Valentine
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal
... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"
The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"
The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"
From my dad.
In a theater
A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.
The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!
The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.
What did the bee say to his wife?
No on knows. It's a Mister Bee.
An Indonesian lady offers an Australian guy a plate of noodles
An Indonesian lady wants to offer some noodles to an Australian guy. However, she isn't a good speaker of English. Despite the shortcomings, she goes for it anyway.
"Hey mister! Do you want mee? Still hot you know!"
^^^mee=noodles
Q: Who is Bigger? Mister Bigger or Master Bigger?
A: Master Bigger, because he is little Bigger.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bob Saget walks in to a bar. ..
He joyfully exclaims to the bartender "Tonight I'm celebrating the first successful test of my time machine! Give me a v**... Shirley Temple!"
The bartender looks confused and says "but mister Saget, a Shirley Temple is always a v**...."
Bob Saget winks and says, "Not anymore."
Kid looking for odd jobs comes to a guys door
"Hey mister" he starts out, "I'm looking for some work for pocket money over the holidays".
Impressed by the youngster's work ethic the man says "Sure son; there's a few tins of paint in the garage. Go get them and paint the porch and I'll give you $20"
4 hours later there was a knock on the man's door by a paint spattered youth holding his hand out for payment who says "I've finished and by the way that's not a porch it's a BMW"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe it.
Yesterday i saw some kids that were no older than 12 years, standing by a cigarette dispenser. As I was watching them, one boy looked to me and decided to talk to me:,,Hey mister! Would you be so kind and buy some cigarettes for us?". I was astonished. I couldn't believe what i just heard. When did kids become so d**... polite?
What's the definition of a Mistress?
Oh, I don't know. Probably something between a Mister and a mattress.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went to the doctor last week to discuss my blood test results..
You must stop with the eggs Mister.
is my cholesterol high?
No, your farts are killing me.
So a boy and an old man walk into the woods...
The boy says to the man... "I'm really scared mister." The man replies "You're scared? I gotta walk outta here alone."
What is Mister Miyagi's favorite drink?
Jack Daniels-san
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy
A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy.
"Hello mister, i'll be at my new girlfriends house for dinner today... you know.. become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, i'm probably gonna have some s**... time my girlfriend. You know the deal.
So is there something you could suggest me?
"Well.. i'd suggest some... condoms?
"Well.. uhm.. sounds cool.. I.. will take some"
As he is about to leave the pharmacy he stops and returns.
"Wait a second. You know... her mum... she's hot af... and maybe i could assort some.. you know.. s**... time with her as well.
You know what.. ima take some more condoms."
Later at the dinner the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.
His girlfriend says.
"If i'd known you're gonna be all silent and stuff i wouldnt have invited you to this dinner!?"
The young man then answers:
"If i'd had known your dad is a pharmacist i wouldnt even be here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Meets The Queen of England!
Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering f**.... The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: "Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Donald quickly replied: "Please don't give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*me at fast food counter* "hey mister, did this meat bark or meow?"
"It asked s**... questions."
A blind man walks in to a department store
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.
As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.
Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.
Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"
The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."
"Mister Gorbatschow, tear down this wall!"
-David Hasselhoff
A kindergarten has a class pet, a mouse named Mister Squeaky
Mister Squeaky is a staple of the class, having been around for almost ten years. Every weekend, a different child takes him home to take care of him. One Sunday morning, a mom sees Mister Squeaky lying dead at the bottom of his cage. She rushes to the petstore and explains that she needs a replacement mouse. The man behind the counter pulls out a shoebox marked "MISTER SQUEAKY LOOK-ALIKES", pulls out a mouse and says "Here you go - that's the third one this month."
Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
Policeman stops priest on the bike...
Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$.
Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me.
Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike.
An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mister No, who is not an ant.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. We only serve ants here."
The ant says, "But this is my good friend Mister No."
The bartender says, "Sorry, but I don't take No for an ant, sir."
What do you call the most unpopular president ever after his first 100 days?
Mister President.
James Bond gets called into M's office
M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.
A man was praying to god for money and fame.
Another one comes and sneers at him, 'i always pray for honesty, modesty and other noble qualities in life'.
The man says 'very well mister, one always asks for the things they don't have!'
Donald Trump and Putin walk into a bar.
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin walk into a bar
They approach the bar and take a seat. The bartender, raising his eyebrow questions, " Good afternoon Mister president, what brings you in this fine afternoon?"
"I just made the yuuuugest arms deal in history today with Saudi Arabia and this great, and I mean this great guy here wanted to treat me to a drink as congratulations!" He replied
The bartender, slightly perturbed shakes his head and responds, "Great job sir, what will you have to drink?"
"A White Russian," he turns his head to Putin, and smiles lovingly, "it will be the second one I've had in me today."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar looking proud as can be
A man looks at his friend and says "Man, he sure looks happy." His friend agrees and goes up to the man. "Pardon me mister, but why are you so happy?" The man chuckles and sits down with the men. "I am happy because I just had s**... with a woman who was tied to the train tracks." The two men look at each other in astonishment. "Tell us more." Says the first man. So the man tells them about all the positions and things. "So did you get head?" Said the Second man. The man shakes his head and says "Sadly no. I couldn't find it."
Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...
Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I do." "I know."
The priest cleared his t**... disapprovingly:
"Mister Solo, you need to say the words so we can end the ceremony."
A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
So Roy Moore and a little girl walking through a scary Forest
The little girl turns to him and says, "Geese mister I'm really scared!".
And he says " How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
A guy walks into a bar and has a drink...
After his first sip, he hears a high pitched voice say, "Hey mister, I like your tie!" He looks around but has no idea where the voice is coming from.
"Hey mister, I like your shoes!" he hears the voice say again. He scans the bar and it doesn't appear the voice came from anyone in the room.
He takes another sip of his drink and hears the voice one more time, "Hey mister, I like your haircut!"
Frustrated, the man gets up and walks over to the bartender. "I keep hearing this high pitched voice! Where's it coming from!?"
The bartender looks up at the man and says, "Oh those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
What happened to E?
Detective: What happened to E?
Pathologist: Looking at the remains' bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.
Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.
A little old lady got on a city bus
and sat down behind the bus driver.
After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.
"Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth.
After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"
"Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind tourist asks for directions...
A blind tourist asks a fella for directions.
He says, "Where can I find my way to Seattle?"
The fella looks at him, up and down, he hands the blind tourist a compass and said "Just follow the needle. "
The blind tourist replies sarcasticly, "oh haha, thaat's hilarious." and walks away...
As he left, looking back, the fella now just realizes what he did wrong so he run back to the tourist and said "My apologizes mister, for being so s**..."
The blind man smiles. The fella hands him a map.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the manager say to the person who broke the toilet?
u**...-ot of trouble mister!
Guy goes in for a checkup...
... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"
The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."
Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."
"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"
Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."
"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 90 year old man walks into a brothel
Says missy, I want your most beautiful girl
Lady at the counter says mister, get out of here, you've had it
He says I did?, well then how much do I owe you?
If the other woman is referred to as a mistress, what is the other man referred to as?
Mister !
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The chemistry teacher approaches Johnny.
During an o**... evaluation, the chemistry teacher approaches Johnny and asks him: what's the chemical formula of sulfuric acid? johnny, taking some time to answer says: oh god mister, I have it on the tip of my tongue! the teacher, worried, immediately shouts: johnny spit it out!!!! sulfuric acid is very corrosive!!
So an old guy is walking in the woods
He hears a voice "Hey mister!". He looks down and there's a frog on the ground. "Hey mister" says the frog "kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you all night long!" The old guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket and walks on. The frog says "Hey mister, maybe you didn't understand me. I said I'm a beautiful princess, kiss me and I'll make love to you all night long." The old man shrugs, says "Eh, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." and walks on.
"Dad, what's capitalism?"
"Here, take this £5 note and go and get me a BLT with a large coca cola."
The boy left his house and took the only possible route, up a huge hill. He got to the counter and made the order.
"That'll be £7.34," said the assistant.
"I only have £5, mister," said the boy. The assistant shrugged his shoulders and the boy left.
The boy barged in through the front door and shouted, "Dad, I just went all that way for you and you didn't give me enough money."
The dad looked him in the eye and said, "Son, that's capitalism."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
A guy walks up to the Trump residence and presses the interphone...
Melania answers...
He says: Can I talk to the president?
Melania: Sorry, but mr. Trump isn't the president anymore...
He waits for a few minutes and rings again: Can I talk to the president?
Melania: Sorry, but mr. Trump isn't the president anymore...
He does this a couple of times until
Melania: Hey mister! I TOLD YOU, DONALD ISN'T THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!
Guy: I know... it just great to hear it again and again...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I'm really scared, Mister!", said the little girl while we were walking through the woods in the middle of the night.
"Oh, shut up!", I exclaimed. "How do you think I'm gonna feel when I have to walk back all by myself?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl goes to the pet store
She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.
Well sure sweetie! He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny did you have in mind?
So the little girl looks over the bunnies and then back to the pet store owner and replies, quite frankly mister I don't think my snake gives a d**....
A skeleton is waiting to see a doctor.
The doctor walks in, spots the skeleton, and says Ah, Mister Johnson! I haven't seen you since we misplaced your femur! How are you doing?
The skeleton sighs and replies Honestly doctor, I've got a bone to pick with you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Opposites
A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"
A r**... in the back of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister."
