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Mister Jokes

106 mister jokes and hilarious mister puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mister that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a good laugh? Check out these Mister Jokes featuring Mister Bean, Mister Monkey, Mister and Mrs., Missy, Mistress, and more. Give these lighthearted jokes a chance - they'll have you sympathizing with the characters and laughing out loud in no time!

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Funniest Mister Short Jokes

Short mister jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mister humour may include short mr t jokes also.

  1. "You're telling me that I'm losing my job because donald trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."
  2. Did you hear mike tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death? As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?
  3. So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy "hey mister it's getting dark out and I'm scared"
    Man "how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone"
  4. A man walks into the woods with a young boy. Boy: hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared
    Man: how do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone
  5. A man and a boy are walking through the woods The boy says, "Mister, it's getting dark out. I'm scared."
    And the man replies, "how do you think I feel? I have to walk back home alone."
  6. What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room? Tell a porter.
  7. If Mister and Misses Bigger had a baby, which one would be the biggest Bigger? The baby, because he's just a little Bigger.
  8. Who's bigger- Mister Bigger or Mister Bigger's baby? Well, Mister Bigger's baby's a just little bigger.
  9. A skeleton walks in to a bar... The bartender says, "What'll it be, mister?"
    The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop, please!"
  10. A Lord of the Rings Joke How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?
    He read it in the Hobbituary.

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Mister One Liners

Which mister one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mister? I can suggest the ones about mr mrs and missus.

  1. What's the gender neutral version of "mister" an "miss" Miss-ter-y
  2. What do you call the guy who gets all the women pregnant? Mister Period
  3. What was Sydney Poitier's favorite soda? "MISTER PIBB"
  4. How do you address the most suspicious letter of the alphabet? Mister E...
  5. Why is Dairy Queen always in a bad mood? Because she's married to Mister Softee.
  6. Why did the orange stop rolling halfway up the hill? Because he ran out of juice!
  7. Definition: Mistress It's what goes between the mister and the mattress.
  8. I'm tired of searching for x And Mister, don't ask y
  9. What did the band director say to the misbehaving kid? You're in treble mister!
  10. Who did Mister Hippie marry? Missus Hippie!
  11. What do you call an 800 pound gorilla with a spray bottle? Mister.
  12. What did the the mountain climber say to the mountain? I'm sick of your altitude, mister!
  13. What did the Dr. say to the letter E when discussing E's life? You're a Mister E to me
  14. What did Mister A say to Mister E? It's the popular mystery.
  15. I was told to not misgender others... So now I Mister Gender them instead.

Mister And Misses Jokes

Here is a list of funny mister and misses jokes and even better mister and misses puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • This one might be a stretch Which Star Trek character do cleaners hate the most?
    Mister Spock
    Missed a spot... yah. :'(
  • Excuse me, mister, but why are you riding a buggy? "I'm Amish!"
    "Oh I'm sorry, miss, why are you riding a buggy?"
Mister joke, Excuse me, mister, but why are you riding a buggy?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about mister can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of mister puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Gather Around for Heartwarming Mister Jokes and Uplifting Humor

What funny jokes about mister you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean mr and mrs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make mister prank.

A rich guy hires an out of work Mexican to do some work.

The guy hands him a 5 gallon bucket of green paint and says, "Go around the side of the house, and paint my porch."
The Mexican knocks on the door a few hours later and says, "I'm finished mister - but I have to tell you, that was no porch, that was a Mercedes."

Italian Wedding Invitation (must be read aloud, including punctuation marks)

**You, wedding Rosa mister.**

A DEA agent and a rancher

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"

A p**... and I kid go for an evening walk in the woods

They walk for a long time and as they get further in it gets darker and darker.
The kid gets more and more nervous the further they walk. Finally he turns to the p**... and says "Mister, we've been walking for ages. I don't know where we are and it's really dark. I'm scared."
The p**... turns to him and says "You're scared? I've got to find my way out of here on my own!"

I'm scared Mister

So a r**.../m**... is walking into a deep dark wooded area with a 6 year old boy. They are pretty far into the woods when the young boy says: "Mister, I'm scared." The old man turns to the boy and says: "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk out of these woods alone."

A child predator and a little boy

Are walking in the woods
The child mutters "wow mister these woods are REALLY creepy!"
The predator looks at the child and says "you think they're creepy now, **i** gotta walk out of here alone!"

Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.

Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?
Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"
the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH

An young Irish boy

A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.

A mouse and an elephant

A male mouse and female elephant, which are very much in love with each other, are having s**... in the jungle. Mr mouse does his best, but if course miss elephant didn't really enjoy it.
Monkeys up in the trees see the scene and decide to throw coconuts at them. Miss elephant is hit on the head and tell "ouch"
Mister mouse stops and asks, worried "Did I hurt you?"
(Translated from French, sorry for my English)

Gimme a triple shot of Jack

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"

Grieving in Ireland

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?'
The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.'
'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?'
The boy replies, 'No tanks mister. s**... is the last thing on me mind at the moment.'

take a hike.

a man is walking through the forest with a little girl when it starts getting dark. the wind starts whistling through the trees and the girl squeezes the mans hand and says "mister I'm getting scared!" the man replied "you're scared? I have to walk out of these woods alone!"

So there's a child m**... and a little boy walking into the woods...

They keep walking deeper and deeper, and its getting darker and darker; scarier and scarier. Further and further they walk. The boy looks up at the child m**... and says "Gee Mister, I'm getting scared." and the child m**... looks down at the kid and says: "You think you're scared kid, I gotta walk out of here alone."
Edit*: from the film Blue Valentine

A lawyer is meeting the devil to make a deal

... and says, "Alright, I want to win my next 10 cases in a row, for settlements of no less than $1 million!"
The Devil replies, "Ok mister lawyer, but in return, I demand the souls of your wife and child for 1000 years!"
The lawyer scratches his head and says, "I don't get it, where's the catch?"
From my dad.

In a theater

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.
The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, Mister, you will have to get up. All you are entitled to is one seat. The man grunts and does not move.
Finally a policeman is called in. He walks down the aisle and says to the man who is still on the four seats, Get out of those seats!
The man grunts, and policeman says, Okay, wise guy, where are you from? The man moans and says, The balcony.

A man and a boy are walking in the woods

And the boy says in his childish voice "gee mister, these woods sure are scary!"
To which the man replies in a humbled tone " your telling me! And I gotta walk out of here alone!"

An Indonesian lady offers an Australian guy a plate of noodles

An Indonesian lady wants to offer some noodles to an Australian guy. However, she isn't a good speaker of English. Despite the shortcomings, she goes for it anyway.
"Hey mister! Do you want mee? Still hot you know!"
^^^mee=noodles

Bob Saget walks in to a bar. ..

He joyfully exclaims to the bartender "Tonight I'm celebrating the first successful test of my time machine! Give me a v**... Shirley Temple!"
The bartender looks confused and says "but mister Saget, a Shirley Temple is always a v**...."
Bob Saget winks and says, "Not anymore."

Kid looking for odd jobs comes to a guys door

"Hey mister" he starts out, "I'm looking for some work for pocket money over the holidays".
Impressed by the youngster's work ethic the man says "Sure son; there's a few tins of paint in the garage. Go get them and paint the porch and I'll give you $20"
4 hours later there was a knock on the man's door by a paint spattered youth holding his hand out for payment who says "I've finished and by the way that's not a porch it's a BMW"

I can't believe it.

Yesterday i saw some kids that were no older than 12 years, standing by a cigarette dispenser. As I was watching them, one boy looked to me and decided to talk to me:,,Hey mister! Would you be so kind and buy some cigarettes for us?". I was astonished. I couldn't believe what i just heard. When did kids become so d**... polite?

What's the definition of a Mistress?

Oh, I don't know. Probably something between a Mister and a mattress.

Went to the doctor last week to discuss my blood test results..

You must stop with the eggs Mister.
is my cholesterol high?
No, your farts are killing me.

Yesterday I got into an accident with a prius...

Yesterday I was on the highway and rear ended a prius.
We both pulled over and a dwarf gets out of the prius.
He walks up to my car and says "Hey mister, I'm not happy!"
I say "then which one are you?"

So a boy and an old man walk into the woods...

The boy says to the man... "I'm really scared mister." The man replies "You're scared? I gotta walk outta here alone."

A little boy and a clown are walking in the deep, dark, woods.

The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy." The clown replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

If a straight man cheats on his wife, the other woman is called his mistress.

So if a gay man cheats on his husband, is the other man his mister?

Great Mystery

Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".

Policeman stops priest on the bike...

Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$.
Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me.
Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike.

An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mister No, who is not an ant.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. We only serve ants here."
The ant says, "But this is my good friend Mister No."
The bartender says, "Sorry, but I don't take No for an ant, sir."

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.

One time a student asked me, "Hey Mister. What side of the country is the Specific Ocean on?"

I gave him a very vague answer.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

A man was praying to god for money and fame.

Another one comes and sneers at him, 'i always pray for honesty, modesty and other noble qualities in life'.
The man says 'very well mister, one always asks for the things they don't have!'

Donald Trump and Putin walk into a bar.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin walk into a bar
They approach the bar and take a seat. The bartender, raising his eyebrow questions, " Good afternoon Mister president, what brings you in this fine afternoon?"
"I just made the yuuuugest arms deal in history today with Saudi Arabia and this great, and I mean this great guy here wanted to treat me to a drink as congratulations!" He replied
The bartender, slightly perturbed shakes his head and responds, "Great job sir, what will you have to drink?"
"A White Russian," he turns his head to Putin, and smiles lovingly, "it will be the second one I've had in me today."

Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A guy and a kid are walking through the woods at night...

As they're walking, the kid turns to the man and says
"Mister, I'm getting scared."
The man replies
"You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder...

Two prisoners were escaping down a ladder. While the seasoned prisoner at the top watched for guards, the new prisoner went down the ladder first and slowly. Once the ladder was clear, the seasoned prisoner slid down in just three seconds, then he scolded the new prisoner for being so slow. The new prisoner replied, "Well, look at mister con descending here."

"I do." "I know."

The priest cleared his t**... disapprovingly:
"Mister Solo, you need to say the words so we can end the ceremony."

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."

So Roy Moore and a little girl walking through a scary Forest

The little girl turns to him and says, "Geese mister I'm really scared!".
And he says " How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.

A man asks him, What's wrong?
The boy says, Me ma is dead .
Oh bejaysus," the man says.
Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?
The boy replies, No tanks mister. s**... is the last ting on me mind at the moment..

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

What happened to E?

Detective: What happened to E?
Pathologist: Looking at the remains' bone structures, all I can tell you is that E had to be a guy.
Detective: I guess that makes this case about a Mister E.

A little old lady got on a city bus

and sat down behind the bus driver.
After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.
"Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth.
After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"
"Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"

Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"
The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."
Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."
"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"
Doc replies, "You've got Alzheimer's."
"Hey, you know at least I don't have AIDS."

A 90 year old man walks into a brothel

Says missy, I want your most beautiful girl
Lady at the counter says mister, get out of here, you've had it
He says I did?, well then how much do I owe you?

If the other woman is referred to as a mistress, what is the other man referred to as?

Mister !

I used to be overweight.

A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in line behind me. The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"
I looked at him and replied, "Well, every time I fu\*\*ed your mother, she gave me a Cookie."

The chemistry teacher approaches Johnny.

During an o**... evaluation, the chemistry teacher approaches Johnny and asks him: what's the chemical formula of sulfuric acid? johnny, taking some time to answer says: oh god mister, I have it on the tip of my tongue! the teacher, worried, immediately shouts: johnny spit it out!!!! sulfuric acid is very corrosive!!

A kid and child m**... are walking in the woods

A kid and a child m**... are walking in the woods. As the sun is going down and it gets darker, the kod says, "It's getting kinda scary mister." He tells the kid, "I know. I'm the one that's gotta walk back alone."

A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them

A guy walks up to the Trump residence and presses the interphone...

Melania answers...
He says: Can I talk to the president?
Melania: Sorry, but mr. Trump isn't the president anymore...
He waits for a few minutes and rings again: Can I talk to the president?
Melania: Sorry, but mr. Trump isn't the president anymore...
He does this a couple of times until
Melania: Hey mister! I TOLD YOU, DONALD ISN'T THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!
Guy: I know... it just great to hear it again and again...

"I'm really scared, Mister!", said the little girl while we were walking through the woods in the middle of the night.

"Oh, shut up!", I exclaimed. "How do you think I'm gonna feel when I have to walk back all by myself?!

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.
Well sure sweetie! He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny did you have in mind?
So the little girl looks over the bunnies and then back to the pet store owner and replies, quite frankly mister I don't think my snake gives a d**....

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

A skeleton is waiting to see a doctor.

The doctor walks in, spots the skeleton, and says Ah, Mister Johnson! I haven't seen you since we misplaced your femur! How are you doing?
The skeleton sighs and replies Honestly doctor, I've got a bone to pick with you.

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have"? and the guy says "2 dollars".

Opposites

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"
A r**... in the back of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister."

A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."

Mister joke, A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...

jokes about mister

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these mister jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.