The Best 40 Missus Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Missus jokes. There are some missus momma jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these missus my missus puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Missus Jokes and Puns

My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.

My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was.

I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

Missus joke, The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Rodeo Position

Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old missionary position the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off doggie style, behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.

For their honeymoon, Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine

Went to the beach and got a Tan. When they went back home, it took a Sec to find they needed a Cot.

When I came home Friday, I gave the missus a bunch of beautiful red roses.

Great!, she says, now I have to spend all weekend on my back with me legs in the air. Obviously very confused I asked why, haven't we got any vases?

Missus and I splitting. I blame her new job.

Ever since she started at EA, our definitions of "exclusive" have really diverged.

Missus joke, Missus and I splitting. I blame her new job.

What did the cannibal say to his co-worker?

You should stop by later. The missus and I are having people for dinner.

I lost my wedding ring the other day

Had a quick check under the sofa but wasn't really that bothered until the missus came home and told me to look harder.

So I got a tattoo and shaved my head but I still couldn't find it.

My missus has a punctuation fetish

Whenever she has a period, I get to use the colon.

#β€ŽBREAKING‬ Oscar Pistorius has today made a plea for clemency ahead of his sentencing in April

Mr Pistorius claims he is not the first bloke to come home legless and put a few loads into his missus.

You can explore missus blokes reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean missus edith dad jokes. There are also missus puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach

Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan.

When they returned it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week...

Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys-only trip, do you think about me?

Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

Who did Mister Hippie marry?

Missus Hippie!

My girlfriend and I had to leave the restaurant early today due to insensitive people calling me a nonce and peadophile all because I'm 33 and my missus is 16.

It totally ruined our 10yr anniversary.

Missus joke, My girlfriend and I had to leave the restaurant early today due to insensitive people calling me a n

My Missus wanted a cat, I don't really like cats, so we compromised.

We now have 3 cats ..

The missus wore a right slinky number last night!

Looked amazing coming down the stairs!

My missus said my love was suffocating.

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

I decided to get a toupee.

But I know my missus is not keen on the idea, so for now I'm going to keep it under my hat.

The missus has threatened to leave me unless I stop drinking.

Which is ironic, given she is the reason I drink.

What do you call a stormtroopers wife?


Me and the missus broke up recently and decided to split the house.

I got the outside..

My missus packed my bags.

As I was walking out the door she said 'I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!'
'Oh' I replied 'So you want me to stay now then?!'

I used to be confused because we abbreviate "missus" as mrs...

Until I realized we just took out the apostraphe from mr's.

What do you call a Hippie's wife?

a Missus hippie

Two dogs walking down the road

First dog says to the second do you use a rubber when you make love to your missus?

Second dog says Durex

First dog says no, I asked you first

Just sat on the end of the bed pulling off the boxers.

My missus says I'm spoiling these dogs.

I bought my missus a beauty face mask for her birthday.

It says to leave on for 3 hours. That's the longest I could find.

I'd like to drown my sorrows

but my missus doesn't go near water.

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy.

She laughed.

I have been married 38 years but have never been very romantic, so this Valentines night I am going to change, I have booked a table for two for me and the missus.

Just hope she likes snooker.

Just sold the missus on eBay.

Well actually I sold a big box. The rest is a surprise.

A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.

The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!

The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.

Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!

Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!

Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover works a treat now.

The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

What's the difference betweena tank top and a wife beater?

A tank top shoots missiles, and a wife beater shoots missus.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the missus husband jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working missus night piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes