Missus Jokes
60 missus jokes and hilarious missus puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about missus that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Missus Short Jokes
Short missus jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The missus humour may include short madam jokes also.
- My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
- The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst... So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
- The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys-only trip, do you think about me? Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
- What did the cannibal say to his co-worker? You should stop by later. The missus and I are having people for dinner.
- What's the difference betweena tank top and a wife beater? A tank top shoots missiles, and a wife beater shoots missus.
- I call my Missus's mimsy 'The Tardis' Not because it's bigger inside than I expected. It's just that she's had several dozen companions and at least one dog in there.
- Missus and I splitting. I blame her new job. Ever since she started at EA, our definitions of "exclusive" have really diverged.
- I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt.
- My Missus wanted a cat, I don't really like cats, so we compromised. We now have 3 cats ..
- My girlfriend and I had to leave the restaurant early today due to insensitive people calling me a nonce and peadophile all because I'm 33 and my missus is 16. It totally ruined our 10yr anniversary.
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Missus One Liners
Which missus one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with missus? I can suggest the ones about mistress and mr mrs.
- My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was. I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."
- The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
- I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy. She laughed.
- I'd like to drown my sorrows but my missus doesn't go near water.
- The missus wore a right slinky number last night! Looked amazing coming down the stairs!
- Just sold the missus on eBay. Well actually I sold a big box. The rest is a surprise.
- Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday. The Hoover works a treat now.
- What do you call a stormtroopers wife? Missus
- Me and the missus broke up recently and decided to split the house. I got the outside..
- Who did Mister Hippie marry? Missus Hippie!
- What do you call a Hippie's wife? a Missus hippie
- My missus said my love was suffocating.
- The missus and I shared a tender moment today. Thanks to our new slow cooker.
- The missus wants to go and see that new film about woman's rights. I said she can't.
- What is a missus best known for? Their hands-on experience
My Missus Jokes
Here is a list of funny my missus jokes and even better my missus puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The missus has threatened to leave me unless I stop drinking. Which is ironic, given she is the reason I drink.
- I decided to get a toupee. But I know my missus is not keen on the idea, so for now I'm going to keep it under my hat.
- I have been married 38 years but have never been very romantic, so this Valentines night I am going to change, I have booked a table for two for me and the missus. Just hope she likes snooker.
- For their honeymoon, Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine Went to the beach and got a Tan. When they went back home, it took a Sec to find they needed a Cot.
- I bought my missus a beauty face mask for her birthday. It says to leave on for 3 hours. That's the longest I could find.
- Man enters pub Sees his friend and mentions to him, missus's away in the Caribbean
Friend asks; Jamaica?
Man replies; no, she went of her own accord - #BREAKING Oscar Pistorius has today made a plea for clemency ahead of his sentencing in April Mr Pistorius claims he is not the first bloke to come home legless and put a few loads into his missus.
- Just sat on the end of the bed pulling off the boxers. My missus says I'm spoiling these dogs.
- Two dogs walking down the road First dog says to the second do you use a rubber when you make love to your missus?
Second dog says Durex
First dog says no, I asked you first - I used to be confused because we abbreviate "missus" as mrs... Until I realized we just took out the apostraphe from mr's.
Charming Humor Missus Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about missus you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mister jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make missus pranks.
My missus was furious at me for k**... dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it's just water under the fridge.
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,
which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.
That restaurant...
Bob and his wife, who live in a retirement residence, are out for a stroll round the grounds one day, and meet up with their neighbour, Ted.
They exchange news, including Bob saying: "Oh hey Ted, me and the missus went to a great restaurant last night."
"Really," says Ted. What was it called?
Bob starts to reply, scratches his head, and says... uh...er...um...what's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, it's red and has thorns?"
Ted replies: rose?
"Aha," exclaims Bob, who turns to his wife and says "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
I lost my wedding ring the other day
Had a quick check under the sofa but wasn't really that bothered until the missus came home and told me to look harder.
So I got a tattoo and s**... my head but I still couldn't find it.
Rodeo Position
Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
My missus packed my bags.
As I was walking out the door she said 'I wish you a slow and painful death you b**...!'
'Oh' I replied 'So you want me to stay now then?!'
Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach
Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan.
When they returned it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.
When I came home Friday, I gave the missus a bunch of beautiful red roses.
Great!, she says, now I have to spend all weekend on my back with me legs in the air. Obviously very confused I asked why, haven't we got any vases?
