Mississippi Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi.

If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?

I dunno, Alaska.

Why can't you bury a man living east of the Mississippi in a graveyard west of the Mississippi?

He's still alive.




(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)

Two Italian men are sitting next to an old lady on a bus.

The first one says to the second: "Emma come, then I come. Dennis come, and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses come together. I come and pee twice. Then I come again."
The old lady looks at them in disgust and says to them: "Here in America, we prefer to keep our sex lives private."
The Italian man says: "Coola down, madam. Imma justa teacha my friend howa spella Mississippi."

Mario and Luigi

Peach is walking past Mario and Luigi and hears:

"First Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come, then I come a-one more time, the two asses come again, I come a the third time, pee twice, then I come for the last time"

She walks up and slaps him.

"Mario! That's disgusting!"

"What? I teach a Luigi to spell Mississippi!"

In which state does the Mississippi river flow?

Liquid.

Mississippi

Two Italian men get on a bus
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A redneck walks into a bar...


So this good ol' boy walks into a bar in East Texas and there's an African-American gentleman tending bar. The good ol' boy says: "Hey nigger, get me a whiskey sour and don't Jew me on the whiskey!"

The bartender says: "Sir, we don't appreciate that kind of language in here, now ask me politely, and you'll get your drink."

"Fuck you, coon!" says the redneck, "I ain't gonna have no porch monkey tell me what to do, now get me my fuckin' whiskey sour!"

The bartender snaps: "Hey man, that shit is absolutely uncalled for in this day and age. How would you like it if this was your bar and I came in here and abused you and threw racial epithets around like that!?"

The redneck just shrugs.

"Well, let's fuckin' try it, then! See how you like it!" says the bartender. "Get back behind here!"

The redneck gets behind the bar, and the black guy goes outside. A moment later, he comes back in yelling:

"Hey, you honkey ass cracker motherfucker! Get me a beer and a shot of bourbon now before I bust a cap in your pencil-dick, faggoty white ass!"

The redneck looks up from the bar and says: "We don't serve niggers."

Alabama VS. Mississippi

A man lived in Alabama. He moved to Mississippi. He raised the IQ in both states.

An American overhears two Italian men talking on a bus.

One of the men says to the other "first emma come, then I come, two asses come, then I come again, two more asses come, then I come again, pee two times, then I come again." Outraged, the American shouts at them "There are kids on this bus! You can't talk like that!" The Italian man replies "what are you talking about? I'm just trying to teach my friend how to spell Mississippi!"

A Mississippi Girl is flying on an airplane for the first time when...

...a smartly-dressed older woman sits down and arranges herself in the seat next to the girl.

"So, where y'all from?" the girl asks cheerfully.

The woman slowly takes out a handkerchief, dabs at her forehead and the corners of her mouth, and clears her throat before answering...

"Well... **I'M** from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions...!"

The girl slips a peanut into her mouth and nibbles on it awhile, contemplating...
Finally, she tries again...



"So, where y'all from... BITCH."

What do you call a 27 year old woman in Mississippi?

Grandma

There were two friars from Mississippi...

They decided they weren't getting paid enough, but they were peaceful people and didn't want to protest. Instead, they got a second job. They opened a flower shop together.

It was going pretty well, and everybody loved the supposedly blessed flowers, but soon enough the competition got jealous. They claimed that it was illegal to sell the flowers in the name of the Lord.

Being Mississippi, the court sided in favor of the friars and said they could stay open. But the competition was still angry.

They were so angry, in fact, that they hired a thug named Hugh to go "persuade" the friars to close their business. It wasn't even a day before the friars' shop was closed.

It all goes to show, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A Mississippi redneck goes to California

A redneck farmer from Mississippi goes to California. He pulls his truck into the local fine dining eatery for a nice evening meal.

During the course of the evening, the waiter makes small talk with him, discovers the redneck is from Mississippi and is visiting California for the first time. So, the waiter asks where he's been.

The young farmer says that he's been to San Joe-say (Jose').

The indignant waiter chides him, In California, the J's are pronounced like an h . It's San haw-se not Joe-say . So, how long are you going to stay here?

The Mississippian replied, Through Hune

How did the hippie remember the number of wives he had?

He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...

A black man walks into a restaurant in Mississippi

He sits down at a table. The waitress comes over and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve colored people". The man says, "That's ok, I'll just have the chicken".

Mario and Luigi were on the bus while visiting America

So Mario says to Luigi, "Emma comes first, then I come, two asses come together, I come again, two more asses, I pee two times, finally I come again." A woman overheard this and disgusted, she shouts, "Don't tell each other about your sexual experiences on the bus, you pervert!" Luigi says, "Relax, he was just telling me how to spell Mississippi!"

If you don't like fucked up jokes, don't read this one

A trailer trash girl in Mississippi asks her dad to borrow his pickup truck and her dad replies: if you wanna borrow my truck you gotta suck my dick! The daughter gets down to her knees and starts to suck her dad's dick.
In the middle of it she says...dad, your dick tastes like shit
The dad replies....
Oh that's right....your brother has the truck!

What state wears glasses?

Mississippi, because it has four eyes.

Neither President Obama nor President Trump has done anything for the people of Mississippi.

For example, they still live there.

If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

I don't know but Alaska

Being in a state of depression is one of the worst place to find yourself.

But at least it's not Mississippi.

If Mississippi went to Missouri for a New Jersey what did Delaware ?

Don't know, Alaska

I never said...

I never said you were stupid, but when I asked you how to spell Mississippi and you asked me if I meant the river or the state, you kinda caught me offguard.

This woman is sitting on the bus behind two Italians . . .

She can't help but overhear their conversation. One guy says to the other, "Emma comma first. Then I comma. Then the two asses, they comma togetha. Then I come again. Then, the two asses come together again. Then I come again, then pee twice. Then I come again."

The woman says, "Excuse me, but you need to take your filthy conversation elsewhere."

And the Italian responds, "What? I was justa teachin' my friend how to spell Mississippi!"

I was all cozy up in Mississippi and then all hell broke loose because...

Mr. Issippi came home early.

My proposal for the new state motto of Mississippi was denied.

"We're all one big happy family."

An old man on his porch

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"


The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"


The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.


The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."

Two Italians are sitting in the NYC subway

One says to the other, "first Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come together, then I come again, then two asses again, then I peepee, and finally I come for the last time."

An old lady looks aghast at the two men and admonished them, "you're in the subway! Behave appropriately!"

So the Italian man said, "relax lady, I'm just reaching my friend here to spell Mississippi!"

Did you hear about the pornstar that could cum in one second?

His name was Juan Mississippi.

An old lady gets on a bus

She sits across from these two foreign guys who are deep in conversation. She can't help but overhear one of them saying -

"Emma come first. Then I come. A-two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Two asses, then I pee pee. Then I come again."

The old lady is horrified, and says to both men "You should be ashamed of yourselves, having such a vulgar conversation in public!"

To which the man replies "What? I just try to teach my friend how to spell Mississippi!"

Days after a massive F5 tornado hits Mississippi..

...financial experts estimate it did over 50 million dollars worth of good.

An Alamaba boy married a Mississippi girl

On their wedding night the girl says to her husband "please be gentle in a virgin."

The man became disgusted and walked out of the house. Later at dinner he tells his family what happened.

"You made the right choice" said his father "if she ain't good enough for her brothers she sure as hell ain't good enough for you"

Mississippi should be the headquarters of the NSA

'Cause it's got i's everywhere

You know what Mississippi needs?

A Mr Issippi.

What has 4 eyes and cannot see?

Mississippi.

A tropical storm goes through Mississippi and Alabama

and becomes a tropical depression.

I'm writing a movie, its about an hour

FADE IN:

INT. CLOCK FACE - DAY

NARRATOR (V.O.)
One Mississippi, two Mississippi....



I've only written the first two lines so far.

Why do disabled people like living in Mississippi?

They get double the SSI

How does a Russian count '1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi...'?

1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP...

I^will^see^myself^out

What do call a cup when drank from by a married woman?

A Mississippi cup.

I once had a teacher that used to drink urine very slowly...

We called her Mississippi.

What do you call man living in Mississippi who likes to dress up in women's clothes?

A Mississippi Queen

What did the Mississippi girl say when she lost her virginity?

Get off me Daddy you're crushin' my cigarettes.

So I just overheard my mom ask my dad for a sip of wine.

His response: Ok, Mississippi.

Why is it a bad idea to swim in the Mississippi River?

Because it has pp in it.

I'm fortunate to have met a beautiful woman from Mississippi who had all of her teeth.

All of them are on her necklace.

Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia rice-growing is at an all-time low

But the South will rice again

How do rivers measure time?

One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi...

Do you know how do you spell Mississippi with one I?

*Covers left eye*

M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I

Bryan Adams cancelled his Mississippi shows

I thought we were supposed to be punishing them?!

Marriage

If a couple gets married in Alabama... And divorced in Mississippi... Are they still brother and sister?

Why is the Mississippi so wide?

Because Mr. Sippi is hung like a horse.

What's the best part of living in Alabama?

You don't live in Mississippi.

What are the funniest mississippi jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mississippi? Well, here are the best Mississippi puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mississippi pick up lines to share with friends.

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