Mississippi
Mississippi.
I dunno, Alaska.
He's still alive.
(Learned from my 6th grade math teacher Mr. Warren)
The first one says to the second: "Emma come, then I come. Dennis come, and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses come together. I come and pee twice. Then I come again."
The old lady looks at them in disgust and says to them: "Here in America, we prefer to keep our sex lives private."
The Italian man says: "Coola down, madam. Imma justa teacha my friend howa spella Mississippi."
Peach is walking past Mario and Luigi and hears:
"First Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come, then I come a-one more time, the two asses come again, I come a the third time, pee twice, then I come for the last time"
She walks up and slaps him.
"Mario! That's disgusting!"
"What? I teach a Luigi to spell Mississippi!"
Liquid.
Two Italian men get on a bus
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
So this good ol' boy walks into a bar in East Texas and there's an African-American gentleman tending bar. The good ol' boy says: "Hey nigger, get me a whiskey sour and don't Jew me on the whiskey!"
The bartender says: "Sir, we don't appreciate that kind of language in here, now ask me politely, and you'll get your drink."
"Fuck you, coon!" says the redneck, "I ain't gonna have no porch monkey tell me what to do, now get me my fuckin' whiskey sour!"
The bartender snaps: "Hey man, that shit is absolutely uncalled for in this day and age. How would you like it if this was your bar and I came in here and abused you and threw racial epithets around like that!?"
The redneck just shrugs.
"Well, let's fuckin' try it, then! See how you like it!" says the bartender. "Get back behind here!"
The redneck gets behind the bar, and the black guy goes outside. A moment later, he comes back in yelling:
"Hey, you honkey ass cracker motherfucker! Get me a beer and a shot of bourbon now before I bust a cap in your pencil-dick, faggoty white ass!"
The redneck looks up from the bar and says: "We don't serve niggers."
A man lived in Alabama. He moved to Mississippi. He raised the IQ in both states.
One of the men says to the other "first emma come, then I come, two asses come, then I come again, two more asses come, then I come again, pee two times, then I come again." Outraged, the American shouts at them "There are kids on this bus! You can't talk like that!" The Italian man replies "what are you talking about? I'm just trying to teach my friend how to spell Mississippi!"
...a smartly-dressed older woman sits down and arranges herself in the seat next to the girl.
"So, where y'all from?" the girl asks cheerfully.
The woman slowly takes out a handkerchief, dabs at her forehead and the corners of her mouth, and clears her throat before answering...
"Well... **I'M** from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions...!"
The girl slips a peanut into her mouth and nibbles on it awhile, contemplating...
Finally, she tries again...
"So, where y'all from... BITCH."
Grandma
They decided they weren't getting paid enough, but they were peaceful people and didn't want to protest. Instead, they got a second job. They opened a flower shop together.
It was going pretty well, and everybody loved the supposedly blessed flowers, but soon enough the competition got jealous. They claimed that it was illegal to sell the flowers in the name of the Lord.
Being Mississippi, the court sided in favor of the friars and said they could stay open. But the competition was still angry.
They were so angry, in fact, that they hired a thug named Hugh to go "persuade" the friars to close their business. It wasn't even a day before the friars' shop was closed.
It all goes to show, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A redneck farmer from Mississippi goes to California. He pulls his truck into the local fine dining eatery for a nice evening meal.
During the course of the evening, the waiter makes small talk with him, discovers the redneck is from Mississippi and is visiting California for the first time. So, the waiter asks where he's been.
The young farmer says that he's been to San Joe-say (Jose').
The indignant waiter chides him, In California, the J's are pronounced like an h . It's San haw-se not Joe-say . So, how long are you going to stay here?
The Mississippian replied, Through Hune
He counted 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, 4 Mississippi...
He sits down at a table. The waitress comes over and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve colored people". The man says, "That's ok, I'll just have the chicken".
So Mario says to Luigi, "Emma comes first, then I come, two asses come together, I come again, two more asses, I pee two times, finally I come again." A woman overheard this and disgusted, she shouts, "Don't tell each other about your sexual experiences on the bus, you pervert!" Luigi says, "Relax, he was just telling me how to spell Mississippi!"
A trailer trash girl in Mississippi asks her dad to borrow his pickup truck and her dad replies: if you wanna borrow my truck you gotta suck my dick! The daughter gets down to her knees and starts to suck her dad's dick.
In the middle of it she says...dad, your dick tastes like shit
The dad replies....
Oh that's right....your brother has the truck!
Mississippi, because it has four eyes.
For example, they still live there.
I don't know but Alaska
But at least it's not Mississippi.
Don't know, Alaska
I never said you were stupid, but when I asked you how to spell Mississippi and you asked me if I meant the river or the state, you kinda caught me offguard.
She can't help but overhear their conversation. One guy says to the other, "Emma comma first. Then I comma. Then the two asses, they comma togetha. Then I come again. Then, the two asses come together again. Then I come again, then pee twice. Then I come again."
The woman says, "Excuse me, but you need to take your filthy conversation elsewhere."
And the Italian responds, "What? I was justa teachin' my friend how to spell Mississippi!"
Mr. Issippi came home early.
"We're all one big happy family."
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."
One says to the other, "first Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come together, then I come again, then two asses again, then I peepee, and finally I come for the last time."
An old lady looks aghast at the two men and admonished them, "you're in the subway! Behave appropriately!"
So the Italian man said, "relax lady, I'm just reaching my friend here to spell Mississippi!"
His name was Juan Mississippi.
She sits across from these two foreign guys who are deep in conversation. She can't help but overhear one of them saying -
"Emma come first. Then I come. A-two asses, they come together. Then I come again. Two asses, then I pee pee. Then I come again."
The old lady is horrified, and says to both men "You should be ashamed of yourselves, having such a vulgar conversation in public!"
To which the man replies "What? I just try to teach my friend how to spell Mississippi!"
...financial experts estimate it did over 50 million dollars worth of good.
On their wedding night the girl says to her husband "please be gentle in a virgin."
The man became disgusted and walked out of the house. Later at dinner he tells his family what happened.
"You made the right choice" said his father "if she ain't good enough for her brothers she sure as hell ain't good enough for you"
'Cause it's got i's everywhere
A Mr Issippi.
Mississippi.
and becomes a tropical depression.
FADE IN:
INT. CLOCK FACE - DAY
NARRATOR (V.O.)
One Mississippi, two Mississippi....
I've only written the first two lines so far.
They get double the SSI
1 CCCP, 2 CCCP, 3 CCCP...
I^will^see^myself^out
A Mississippi cup.
We called her Mississippi.
A Mississippi Queen
Get off me Daddy you're crushin' my cigarettes.
His response: Ok, Mississippi.
Because it has pp in it.
All of them are on her necklace.
But the South will rice again
One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi...
*Covers left eye*
M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I
I thought we were supposed to be punishing them?!
If a couple gets married in Alabama... And divorced in Mississippi... Are they still brother and sister?
Because Mr. Sippi is hung like a horse.
You don't live in Mississippi.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mississippi? Well, here are the best Mississippi puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mississippi pick up lines to share with friends.