The Best 56 Missionary Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Missionary jokes. There are some missionary presbyterian jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these missionary mormon missionary puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Missionary Jokes and Puns
Two cannibals are eating a missionary starting at opposite ends.
One says to the other "This guy's ear is delicious! Are you enjoying eating him as much as I am?"
The other cannibal says "I'm having a ball."
I did a girl missionary style
I stole her cultural identity so I could take her land
What's a Mormon's favorite sexual position?
You'd probably think it's missionary, but i'm pretty sure they'd try the back door if they had the chance.
Rodeo Position
Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old missionary position the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off doggie style, behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
How'd the preacher catch A.I.D.S. in Africa?
Missionary style.
What's the difference...
What's the difference between Missionary Baptists and Baptists?
Position
Looking for a flexible babysitter.
My girlfriend only does missionary.
My attempt at a sexy math joke
A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is missionary. After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."
What do you call the act of turning over in bed to switch from the missionary position to doggy style?
A sexual revolution.
A European missionary goes to an African tribe...
... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"
Why did the church hire a prostitute?
Her résumé said "missionary position"
You can explore missionary mission reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean missionary baptist dad jokes. There are also missionary puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
An albino child in an African tribe...
This puts the tribe's chief in a fury and immediatly summons the white missionary that was sent by the Church in his village.
Chief: "Explain the white kid, white man!"
Priest: "Well, you see, a white child amongst your black tribe is... like the black lamb that was recently born in your herd of white sheep, they..."
Chief, interrupting: "If... if you keep quiet about the black lamb, I'll keep quiet about the child."
So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church
I really hope I get the missionary position
Three women went to see the OB/GYN
The Brunette came out and said, "We had sex in the missionary position, and we're going to have a boy!"
The Redhead came out and said, "We had sex in the cowgirl position, and we're having a girl!"
The Blonde started sobbing as she stood to go in. Between sobs, she said, "Oh no! We're having puppies!"
A missionary came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.
I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.
Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church?
She wanted a high paying missionary position.
A Chinese man is making love to his wife...
The man is going for it missionary style, he slides up her body, kisses her softly and whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna 69!". Immediately, her face turns from pleasure to confusion and anger, she replies, "You want Salt and Pepper Chicken NOW?"
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
What do you call a Catholic Missionary who is also a car enthusiast?
A Catholitic Converter
A missionary noticed a particularly happy cannibal
Missionary: Joe, you look unusually cheery today.
CannibalJoe: Today wife gave me head
My wife says if we get 1000 upvotes we can have sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation
2000 and she'll let me do it with the lights on
When it comes to gay sex, I think the backwards views of my grandfather are disgusting
So I might try missionary style with him instead
I was very naive sexually
My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months
- Hayley Ellis, 2012
Did you hear about the missionary who went to visit the cannibals?
He gave them their first taste of Christianity.
I should dump my gf and become a Priest
The church will at least let me do missionary once a week
I'm very naive sexually. My partner asked me to do missionary...
... and I went off to Africa for six months.
Bob was late to come to see his friend John at the bar
John: Dude, you're so late!
Bob: You won't believe what just happened to me. On my way here, I saw a girl tied to a train track. I untied her and we had sexy time together.
John: That sounds awesome dude!
Bob: Yeah, I know right. We did missionary, doggy, cowgirl etc. you name it.
John: Did you receive head?
Bob: Nah, couldn't find it.
Missionary in the jungle
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?
Missionary, mostly.
What type of car would a missionary drive?
A convertible!
What's the difference between a Mormon missionary and a Soviet Lada?
You can close the door on a missionary.
Why do rednecks only have missionary sex?
Because they refuse to turn their back on Family
My sexually distant wife and I were passed over for the new missionary job at our church
I guess we didn't have enough experience in the position.
My dog is a Sumarian missionary,
He's all about Baal.
A young missionary on his first term in Africa..
..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Do not try to read between the lions.
A pastor was accused of sexual misconduct
When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a missionary position and she enthusiastically accepted."
I was very naive sexually.
My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary and I send her off to Africa for six months.
My wife's favorite position is the missionary position. That's when she's on her back in bed...
and I'm in Africa.
How much does it cost to have sex with a male deer in the missionary position?
Under a buck
I met a missionary once.
He said it was an interesting position.
What's a preachers favorite sex position?
Missionary
What do you call two fat people having sex?
Missionary impossible
Why do you call it a missionary position?
Because the missionaries spread it
Your mama's so fat...
...they call her missionary impossible.
I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.
On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.
So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"
And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"
Two cannibals meet one day.
The first cannibal says, You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender.
The second cannibal asks, What kind of missionary do you use?
The first replies, You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.
Ah, ha! the second cannibal replies, No wonder… those are friars!
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!
The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!
All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she's going to have puppies!!!!!
How did the prostitute become a nun?
Through her missionary work.
What's the difference between a mercenary and a missionary?
Not much, they both introduce people to God.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry,he sat down and looked over the menu.
*Grilled Tourist: $5.00
*Broiled Missionary: $10.00
*Fried Explorer: $15.00
*Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and
asked, "Why such a high price for
politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you
ever tried to clean one? They are so full of
shit that it takes all day!"
A cannibal attends a restaurant ran by another cannibal
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and browsed the menu:
\*Grilled Tourist $5.00
\*Broiled Missionary $10.00
\*Fried Explorer $15.00
\*Diced Marine $20.00
\*Baked Politician $1000.00
The cannibal called a waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit that it takes all day!"
Old joke from my missionary grandpa.
Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. One guy, Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.
"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"
"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny.
"Okay, when I say the word, Mr. Smith, throw down your crutches! And Danny, you say the first thing that comes to your mind!"
The preacher begins some silent prayer, and after a few seconds, he shouts: "Now! Now!"
A thud is heard. "Mr. Thmifth juth fell on the flo"
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle
one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"Nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.
The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.
Blonde, brunette, and redhead in an OBGYN office...
The brunette says her kid will be a priest, because she likes missionary position.
The redhead says her kid will be a construction worker, because she likes it piledriver style.
The blonde bursts into tears, and cries "Oh no, I'm having puppies!"
A Christian missionary goes to proselytize in Africa and gets lost
So he goes aimlessly through thick forest and stumbles upon a lion. He gets scared the lion will eat him so he starts praying to God to protect him from the lion. Then, suddenly, he sees the lion praying as well!
He gets relieved and tells the lion: Brother! I didn't know you're a believer as well. I'm so glad, for a moment I thought that you might eat me
The lion responds: Quiet, please! Don't interrupt my mealtime prayer!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the missionary two missionaries jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working missionary missionary position piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.