Missionary Jokes
99 missionary jokes and hilarious missionary puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about missionary that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A cheeky collection of jokes about naive Mormon Missionaries, Evangelists, Sister Missionaries and Returned Missionaries. Laugh at the funny, embarrassing and awkward experiences missionaries face on their mission!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Missionary Short Jokes
Short missionary jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The missionary humour may include short two missionaries jokes also.
- I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content. Turns out it was all missionaries.
- A Short History Lesson The old missionaries who arrived in the West Indies were the cannibals first taste of Christianity
- Growing up in a colony, the nuns told me to never turn your back on a priest. I mean, there's a reason why they became missionaries.
- Did you hear about the zombie missionaries? Did you hear about the zombie missionaries?
They blessed the brains down in Africa. - Did you hear about the m**... who went to visit the cannibals? He gave them their first taste of Christianity.
- We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children? m**..., mostly.
- So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church I really hope I get the m**...
- What's the difference between a mercenary and a m**...? Not much, they both introduce people to God.
- Why do r**... only have m**... s**...? Because they refuse to turn their back on Family
- Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role. The movie is called: m**... Impossible.
Share These Missionary Jokes With Friends
Missionary One Liners
Which missionary one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with missionary? I can suggest the ones about pioneer and preacher.
- If Satanists had missionaries... would they be called Devil's Advocates?
- What do Missionaries drive? Convertibles.
- What did the missionaries give the cannibals? Their first taste of Christianity.
- Why do trees make good missionaries? They make people beleave in them.
- The most effective ways to spread Jesus 1. Crusades
2. Missionaries
3. Talking Vegetables - What to missionaries do when they come across a gay couple? Clean it up
- Why did the church hire a p**...? Her résumé said "m**..."
- I did a girl m**... style I stole her cultural identity so I could take her land
- How did the p**... become a nun? Through her m**... work.
- Your mama's so fat... ...they call her m**... impossible.
- What do you call two fat people having s**...? m**... impossible
- What's a m**...'s favourite type of car? *A Convertible*
- I met a m**... once. He said it was an interesting position.
- What is a m**...'s favorite car a convertible
- Looking for a flexible babysitter. My girlfriend only does m**....
Christian Missionary Jokes
Here is a list of funny christian missionary jokes and even better christian missionary puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What happened when the cannibal bit off a m**...'s ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity! - Man: How much Pound is 1 Dollar? Christian m**...: I don't know.
Man: I thought you were good at conversions.
Mormon Missionary Jokes
Here is a list of funny mormon missionary jokes and even better mormon missionary puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the p**... join the m**... church? She wanted a high paying m**....
- What's a m**...'s favorite s**... position? You'd probably think it's m**..., but i'm pretty sure they'd try the back door if they had the chance.
- What's the difference between a m**... m**... and a Soviet Lada? You can close the door on a m**....
- What is a m**...'s favorite s**... position? m**...!
Cheeky Missionary Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about missionary you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pastor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make missionary pranks.
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large p**... of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other m**... couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other m**... replied, "I just peed in the soup!"
Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."
Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."
I heard that the m**... helps men to work out the chest and triceps... do you wanna help me verify this?
A man asks his buddy: "Listen to me! Why has your wife left you, if I may ask?"
And he says, "you know, she has told me that I am weak in the bed."
"Oh, that is really sad. And what do you do to improve it?"
And he says again: "you know, I have bought one book, the name of this book is Kamasutra, you know I am helping myself with the hand, I have learned all positions, but the last position I am not gonna make."
"And what is the name of this position?"
"You know, imagine the m**...."
Two cannibals are eating a m**... starting at opposite ends.
One says to the other "This guy's ear is delicious! Are you enjoying eating him as much as I am?"
The other cannibal says "I'm having a ball."
Rodeo Position
Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
How'd the preacher catch A.I.D.S. in Africa?
m**... style.
Two Missionaries...
Two missionaries were ascending a hill in an expedition to convert the hostile unreached jungle inhabitants.
Since very few had ever returned alive from the unfriendly summit very little was known. The two agreed that the best way to win them over was with gifts from their food provisions.
They reached a pass where only one was able to ascend at a time. As the first man cleared the pass, he was immediately set upon by the natives. They took his large pack, pulled the large bunch of bananas out, and distributed them amongst themselves.
The natives began a strange ritual that involved shoving the bananas into their rectums and dancing about in a manner similar to the Māori Haka.
At first, the m**... was horrified by what he saw but he started to giggle and then broke into an hysterical cackle.
The dancings stopped and the leader said, "Why you laugh?"
The m**... said, "my friend is coming with pineapples!"
What's the difference...
What's the difference between m**... Baptists and Baptists?
Position
My attempt at a s**... math joke
A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is m**.... After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."
Are you looking for work spreading the word of Jesus?
Because I can offer you the m**....
What do you call the act of turning over in bed to switch from the m**... to d**...?
A s**... revolution.
A European m**... goes to an African tribe...
... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The m**... looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"
An albino child in an African tribe...
This puts the tribe's chief in a fury and immediatly summons the white m**... that was sent by the Church in his village.
Chief: "Explain the white kid, white man!"
Priest: "Well, you see, a white child amongst your black tribe is... like the black lamb that was recently born in your herd of white sheep, they..."
Chief, interrupting: "If... if you keep quiet about the black lamb, I'll keep quiet about the child."
Three women went to see the OB/GYN
The Brunette came out and said, "We had s**... in the m**..., and we're going to have a boy!"
The Redhead came out and said, "We had s**... in the c**... position, and we're having a girl!"
The Blonde started sobbing as she stood to go in. Between sobs, she said, "Oh no! We're having puppies!"
A m**... came to my door asking if I could help with the floods in India.
I said sure, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.
A Chinese man is making love to his wife...
The man is going for it m**... style, he slides up her body, kisses her softly and whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna 69!". Immediately, her face turns from pleasure to confusion and anger, she replies, "You want Salt and Pepper Chicken NOW?"
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
What do you call a Catholic m**... who is also a car enthusiast?
A Catholitic Converter
A m**... noticed a particularly happy cannibal
m**...: Joe, you look unusually cheery today.
CannibalJoe: Today wife gave me head
My wife says if we get 1000 upvotes we can have s**... in the m**... for the sole purpose of procreation
2000 and she'll let me do it with the lights on
When it comes to gay s**..., I think the backwards views of my grandfather are disgusting
So I might try m**... style with him instead
I was very naive s**...
My first boyfriend asked me to do m**... and I b**... off to Africa for six months
- Hayley Ellis, 2012
I should dump my gf and become a Priest
The church will at least let me do m**... once a week
I'm very naive s**.... My partner asked me to do m**......
... and I went off to Africa for six months.
Bob was late to come to see his friend John at the bar
John: Dude, you're so late!
Bob: You won't believe what just happened to me. On my way here, I saw a girl tied to a train track. I untied her and we had s**... time together.
John: That sounds awesome dude!
Bob: Yeah, I know right. We did m**..., doggy, c**... etc. you name it.
John: Did you receive head?
Bob: Nah, couldn't find it.
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
What type of car would a m**... drive?
A convertible!
m**... says to Apache: "Peace On!"
Apache says to m**...: "P!ss Off!"
My s**... distant wife and I were passed over for the new m**... job at our church
I guess we didn't have enough experience in the position.
My dog is a Sumarian m**...,
He's all about Baal.
A young m**... on his first term in Africa..
..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Do not try to read between the lions.
The Metro Church of Christ published a circular
The circular says: Bored? Try a m**....
Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?
"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
"No- wait, Dracula?"
"Yes!"
"You're vampires?"
"Yes. We have pamphlets."
"Vampires have missionaries?"
"Where else would new vampires come from?"
"I assumed you bit people."
"There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"
A pastor was accused of s**... misconduct
When interrogated by police, he said "I don't understand, she gave consent...I asked if she'd volunteer for a m**... and she enthusiastically accepted."
I was very naive s**....
My first girlfriend asked me to do m**... and I send her off to Africa for six months.
My wife's favorite position is the m**.... That's when she's on her back in bed...
and I'm in Africa.
How much does it cost to have s**... with a male deer in the m**...?
Under a buck
Vampire missionaries
"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?
"Yes!"
So you're vampires?
"Yes. We have pamphlets"
Vampires have missionaries now?
"How else would we get new vampire members?"
But don't you just like, bite people?
"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"
What's a preachers favorite s**... position?
m**...
Why do you call it a m**...?
Because the missionaries spread it
I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.
On the menu I saw there was m**... soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.
So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"
And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the b**...?"
Two cannibals meet one day.
The first cannibal says, You know, I just can't seem to get a tender m**.... I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender.
The second cannibal asks, What kind of m**... do you use?
The first replies, You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.
Ah, ha! the second cannibal replies, No wonder… those are friars!
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.
The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!
The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the m**... when she got pregnant!
All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Between sobs the brunette & red head finally got her to tell them why she became so upset. She told them she believes she's going to have puppies!!!!!
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry,he sat down and looked over the menu.
*Grilled Tourist: $5.00
*Broiled m**...: $10.00
*Fried Explorer: $15.00
*Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and
asked, "Why such a high price for
politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you
ever tried to clean one? They are so full of
s**... that it takes all day!"
A cannibal attends a restaurant ran by another cannibal
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and browsed the menu:
\*Grilled Tourist $5.00
\*Broiled m**... $10.00
\*Fried Explorer $15.00
\*Diced Marine $20.00
\*Baked Politician $1000.00
The cannibal called a waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of s**... that it takes all day!"
Old joke from my m**... grandpa.
Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. o**..., Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.
"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"
"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny.
"Okay, when I say the word, Mr. Smith, throw down your crutches! And Danny, you say the first thing that comes to your mind!"
The preacher begins some silent prayer, and after a few seconds, he shouts: "Now! Now!"
A thud is heard. "Mr. Thmifth juth fell on the flo"
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle
one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"Nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
Blonde, brunette, and redhead in an OBGYN office...
The brunette says her kid will be a priest, because she likes m**....
The redhead says her kid will be a construction worker, because she likes it piledriver style.
The blonde bursts into tears, and cries "Oh no, I'm having puppies!"
A Christian m**... goes to proselytize in Africa and gets lost
So he goes aimlessly through thick forest and stumbles upon a lion. He gets scared the lion will eat him so he starts praying to God to protect him from the lion. Then, suddenly, he sees the lion praying as well!
He gets relieved and tells the lion: Brother! I didn't know you're a believer as well. I'm so glad, for a moment I thought that you might eat me
The lion responds: Quiet, please! Don't interrupt my mealtime prayer!
Have you found Jesus?
The other day my doorbell rang. I answered and a door to door m**... asked me, "Have you found Jesus?" I says, "No, I haven't." Then I closed the door. A few seconds later, Jesus came out of the bathroom and says, "Thanks, Man. I didn't want to talk to that dude."
What happened when the m**... met the cannibal?
He gave him his first taste of religion.
