missing Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious missing puns

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

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A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

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BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

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Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!"

Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."

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This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". He said "Because it's MY hand".

It was so funny I gave the guy five bucks.

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Wife Missing

My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

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An ugly girl grabbed my butt today....

...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"

I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

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My wife's been missing for a week and the police said to prepare for the worst.....

...so I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

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A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"

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A man was in a bar.

A man was in a bar when an ugly girl came up to him, squeeze his ass and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

"Do you have a pen?", he asked.

"Yes.", she answered.

The man shot back, "Well, then you had better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing."

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Do you have a pen?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, Hey sexy, how about giving me your number. I looked at her said, Have you got a pen. She said, I sure do." I said, Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.
My dental surgery is on Monday.

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A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

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Got a pen?

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

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I'm in a band called Missing Cat.

You've probably seen our posters.

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How I lost my teeth

I was in The Western Bar and Grill last night sitting at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt-ugly big old heifer (a woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. she said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number." I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do." I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing".

My dental surgery is this Friday.

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Im in a band called "Missing Cat"

You've probably seen our posters...

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I went for a job interview at EA Games today.

The interviewer said to me, The second part of your resume is missing.


I said, For the second part, you have to pay $20.

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Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

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Catholic priest joke

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening, one of them went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering the priest asked:

-Who has a cock?

All the men got up

-No, I mean who has seen a cock?

All the men and women got up

-No, no, who has seen a cock that is not theirs?

All the women got up

-Oh, for heavens sake, who has seen my cock

All the nuns got up

The boys choir, also, slowly got up

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A father tells his 10 year old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life".

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186 leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great grandchildren and a 7 foot crater where the crematory used to be.

UPDATE: This blew up. (Pun not intended)

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I Googled "Missing Medieval Servant"

It came back: "Page Not Found"

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My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle

if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces

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It's interesting how different a US president looks at the end of their presidency. Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..

At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.

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Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."

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Have you ever tried blind-folded archery?

You don't know what you're missing.

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Know a guy who took an airline to court over missing luggage...

...He lost his case

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The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

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I found that amputee porn wasn't for me

There was just something missing...

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I want anarchy

Because my keyboard is missing one.

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Have you heard that a viagra shipment has gone missing?

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

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What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

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My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

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After having Chinese food, my cookie was missing the piece of paper on the inside!

It was unfortunate.

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My wife had been missing for a week.

The cops said to prepare for the worst.
So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

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What are the most funny Missing jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Missing? Well, here are the best Missing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Missing pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes