Miss Jokes
148 miss jokes and hilarious miss puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about miss that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A great collection of jokes about "miss"ing things - from Ole Miss to Cleo to misunderstands - to make you laugh. See how many you can guess, and make sure to share your favorites with friends and family!
Quick Jump To
- Short Miss Jokes
- Miss One Liners
- I Miss You Jokes
- Miss You Jokes
- Miss Me Jokes
- Little Miss Jokes
- Ole Miss Jokes
- More Miss Jokes
Funniest Miss Short Jokes
Short miss jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The miss humour may include short mess jokes also.
- a guy got an interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board - Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it "the Father-figure"
- My wife has been missing for over a week. The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.
- A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots. - Poor Prince Phillip... 99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.
- My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
- BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
- I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
- When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie... I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
- My husband has been missing for six days now Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back
Share These Miss Jokes With Friends
Miss One Liners
Which miss one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with miss? I can suggest the ones about mate and misc.
- Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.
- If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because... 4:22 is 4:20 too.
- Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ... "Substitooths".
- I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat' You've probably seen our posters.
- For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr
- A blind man had to shoot his dog... To this day, he still misses him
- I used to miss Mitch Hedburg I still do... But I used to, too.
RIP - Sometimes I miss my ex. So I drop it into reverse and try again.
- Whoever called it 'Dentures' really missed an opportunity to call it 'Substitooths'.
- A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad. He will be missed.
- What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.
- Yo mama so fat I swerved to miss her and ran out of gas
- What do Little Miss Muffet and ISIS have in common? They both have Kurds in their way
- My parents tried to surprise me with a car this Christmas... Fortunately they missed.
- I just turned 18 and my parents tried to surprise me with a car They missed
I Miss You Jokes
Here is a list of funny i miss you jokes and even better i miss you puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know the football player whose missing 75% of his spine? He's the Quarterback.
(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X) - fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
- I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me. I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.
- Wife Missing My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
- Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!
- Whoever decided to call it Dentures.... Really missed the opportunity to call it Substitooths.
- Two cannibals were eating and the first one says: Your sister makes a delicious soup. The second one says: True, but now I miss her
- My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"
- If James Hetfield officiated kermit and Miss Piggy's wedding... He'd be a Pastor of Muppets!
- Why are Taylor Swift's songs always a hit? (WARNING POKEMON JOKE) Because swift never misses.
Miss You Jokes
Here is a list of funny miss you jokes and even better miss you puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.
Her name was eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil. - I went for a job interview at EA Games today. The interviewer said to me, The second part of your resume is missing.
I said, For the second part, you have to pay $20. - I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States.
- My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces
- I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children." I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
- I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon? She told me I was missing the point
- I Googled "Missing Medieval Servant" It came back: "Page Not Found"
- "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.
- So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency. Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
- My friend is panicking because he is missing a puzzle piece for his 10,000 piece puzzle if he thinks that bad, I'm missing 9,999 pieces
Miss Me Jokes
Here is a list of funny miss me jokes and even better miss me puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I missed the Vice Presidential debate... Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?
- It's interesting how different a US president looks at the end of their presidency. Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles.. At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.
- Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."
- When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.
- My ex wife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
- According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.
- Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ? My Ex.
- Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don't know what you're missing.
- Know a guy who took an airline to court over missing luggage... ...He lost his case
- My doctor says I need to avoid trans fats I'm really going to miss Tumblr
Little Miss Jokes
Here is a list of funny little miss jokes and even better little miss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do Little Miss Moffat and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have curds in their whey.
- What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion? Little miss conception
- What did Saddam Hussein have in common with Little Miss Muffet? They both had Kurds in their way.
- What's green with little red wheels? Grass. I was lying about the little red wheels.
Missing my grandpa today. This was always his favorite. - I love Fight Club! I showed up a little late so I missed the first few rules but I can't wait to go next week!
- What does President Erdogan have in common with Little Miss Muffet? They both have Kurds in their whey
- I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards. It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.
- What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered? Little miss Steak.
- Why did Little Miss Muffet buy a GPS for her tuffet? Because she kept losing her whey.
- My wife dropped a piece of steak down her shirt at dinner last night. I told her not to worry, it was only a little missed steak!
Ole Miss Jokes
Here is a list of funny ole miss jokes and even better ole miss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you get an Ole Miss grad off of your porch? Pay him for your pizza
- Ole Miss had to cancel their Living Nativity They couldn't find three wise men or a v**...
- What do you call an 80 year old at an u**...? Ole Miss
Quirky and Hilarious Miss Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about miss you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mitt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make miss pranks.
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
Missing South Africa
In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."
So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."
A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call
A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."
Tender touching
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great s**..., she spent the next hour just rubbing his t**... -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
Too Shy!!!
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine.
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
A blonde goes into a library.
She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."
The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"
"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"
If you missed the ball drop last night....
Just watch FSU in the Rose Bowl
I missed a question on my biology exam today.
The question was "what are commonly found in cells?" I guess "black people" wasn't the right answer.
My best friend ran away with my wife....
I miss him.
A student walks up to his teacher...
-Student: "Miss, would you blame someone for something that they didn't do?"
-Teacher: "No of course not. I would never do that."
-Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
A man walks into a bar
and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."
The Universal Miss award goes to
Steve Harvey.
If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?
I dunno, Alaska.
My best friend ran off with my wife.
I still miss him.
I was travelling on the West Coast when I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said: "I miss Detroit"
...so I broke a window, stole the radio, and left a note that said, "Hope this helps."
Why are storm troopers so clingy?
Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.
A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.
He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...
My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
If you miss your ex
Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again
Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?
Because Missouri loves company
A man attends his wife's f**....
His wife had been hit by a car. Incredibly, the car screeched around the block and struck her once more before speeding off, never to be found.
The man was accepting condolences after the service. An old friend said to him, "I know you'll miss her."
"*Miss* her?" the man replied. "I got her pretty good the first two times!"
A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling
The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".
My doctor told me to avoid trans fats.
I'm really gonna miss tumblr.
A man walks into a library...
A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."
Johnny
A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're s**...!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're s**...?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."
I never misspell words.
My blood is typo negative
I heard that quitting smoking is one of the most empowering things you can do in life
I didn't want to miss out, so I took up smoking.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her t**... at 69.
Why did Kylo Ren miss?
[rey moved]
If you ever miss the Tour de France, just go to Amsterdam.
It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.
They said I would miss my family...
I never miss at close range.
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
A man walks into a steakhouse
A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.
"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.
She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."
"And what if I miss?"
"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"
He looks up again.
"No, the steaks are too high."
A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.
Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.
So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....
He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
My missus was furious at me for k**... dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it's just water under the fridge.
If you miss the alarm for 4:20, wait for 4:22...
Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.
My five-year-old, everyone.
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
What does the s**... say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?
I don't know but Alaska.
When your appendix is removed it's called an appendectomy.
When your u**... is removed it's called a hysterectomy. What's it called when you have a growth removed from your head? A haircut.
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her t**....
My best friend passed away recently..
Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.
What does Tarzan falling to his death have in common with Millenials?
I miss Vine.
Today I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss New york"
So I smashed his window in and stole his radio.
Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living
Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"
Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"
And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
Miss Joan asks him why he's crying so much and Billy wails : "my papa is dead !"
"Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry... But what did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was like *arglhblargahrgablar*"
Yo mama so ugly
She entered a Miss America pageant and nearly lost her citizenship.
I lost my home because I threw a house warming party.
I miss my igloo.
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
I think i misspelled camoflage .
It is actually spelled
I used to miss Mitch Hedberg...
I still do, but I used to as well.
Missing my dad today. Here's the friends in low places parody he used to sing to us at bathtime.
I take baths in wet places
Where the waters warm
And the soap chases my dirty away
I'm clean today
Now I'm not big on washing faces
Think I'll slip on down and wash other places
I take baths
In wet places
QAnon has announced a beauty pageant
The winner will be crowned Miss Information
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"
"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up.
Ur mama is so fat
I swerved to miss her and my car ran outta gas!!
