Misc Jokes

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.

If you ever f**... in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.

p**... jokes aren't funny. Period.

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up.

"I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.

They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
Hah! You said, "I eat ma p**...!"

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Step 1: Name your iPhone "Titanic."
Step 2: Plug it into your computer.
Step 3: When iTunes says "Titanic is syncing," press cancel.
Step 4: Feel like a hero.

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a wreck.

A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." The farmer said, "Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill him."

Q: Why did the painting go to jail?
A: It was framed.

If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?
A. A cold!

Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool.

One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. "Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor said to the patient, "You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today." The patient replied, "He didn't hang himself; I hung him there to dry."

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Three elderly men are taking a walk outside their nursing home. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" The third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

There were two cannibals who captured a man.

They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"

Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
A: You can either help your Uncle j**.

.. a horse or help your uncle j**... a horse.

An American Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

“Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?” “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

Q: Why is the letter B very cool?
A: Because it's sitting in the AC.

There once was a man named Sweeney.
He spilled some gin on his w**....
That being uncouth,
He dipped it in vermouth,
And slipped his wife a dry martini.

Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.