Miracle Jokes
102 miracle jokes and hilarious miracle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about miracle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you love Miracle Whip, Miracle Gro, or just Jesus in general, then you've come to the right place! This article covers a hilarious selection of jokes that will make you laugh from Heavens above. We'll even share a few unbelievable stories of car crash miracles that defy the odds. Get ready for some side-splitting entertainment!
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Funniest Miracle Short Jokes
Short miracle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The miracle humour may include short amazement jokes also.
- Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle... Having 12 close friends after age 30!
- My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.
- There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
- Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
- the miracle of being a teen mom when you get pregnant young and your baby is born, hes feet are so small but even so he manages to stomp your dreams and goals.
- Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles. 1. They can get wet without taking a shower.
2. Bleed without being hurt.
3. Producing milk without eating grass.
4. Making boneless meat hard. - Cop stopped me... Cop stopped me.
Me: A problem, officer?
Cop: what's that bottle?
Me: it's just water, officer
Cop: but this is wine, sir
Me: praise the lord & his miracles. - I was wondering if anyone would be willing to support a petition to modernize the name of the Pope Mobile. I think we should call it the Miracle Whip. It's got more of a tangy zip to it.
- Why can people never tell who Superman really is? Considering they always mistake him for a bird or a plane, it's a miracle they see him at all
- My friend Ray just passed away :( He was on the donar list. Apparently they used his eyes to give some poor blind sod his eye sight back.
Its a miracle really, now he's got ex Ray vision
Share These Miracle Jokes With Friends
Miracle One Liners
Which miracle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with miracle? I can suggest the ones about wonders and mystery.
- What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ? Being white in Middle East.
- Jesus's greatest miracle.. A dude in his thirties with 12 friends
- Whats the difference between dirt and miracle grow? Not mulch
- What did the mirror say to the icicle? If we had kids it would be a miracle.
- A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are having a discussion about miracles...
- A paraplegic walks into a bar... ...and says, "It's a miracle!"
- Jesus' greatest miracle that no one talks about.. Having 12 best friends in his 30's.
- What happens to printers that perform miracles? They get Canonized.
- A crippled man walks into a bar It was a miracle
- I'm on the miracle diet If I lose any weight , it's a miracle.
- If Billy Joel made a Christmas movie, what would it be called? Miracle On 52nd Street
- Graphene may be a miracle material But only on paper
- A man walked into a disabled toilet It was a miracle.
- I heard Oscar Pistorius might walk at the end of the trial It's a miracle.
- What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.
Miracle Whip Jokes
Here is a list of funny miracle whip jokes and even better miracle whip puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Bible says Jesus used a whip to drive out the money lenders... I wonder if they called it his "Miracle Whip"?
- What do you call it when you tie a brick to a jar of Miracle Whip and throw it into the ocean? "Sink-o de Mayo"
- I prayed to God to help me get a new car, and I woke up to a giant dollop of mayonnaise in my driveway. I guess he gave me a Miracle Whip.
- There is an overseer called Miracle working on my plantation. Miracle whips.
- What did Jesus want when he appeared on a piece of toast? Miracle whip.
- What do you call the v**... Mary in a s**... dungeon? Miracle whip.
- What is a m**...'s favorite condiment? miracle whip
Hilarious Fun Miracle Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about miracle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean magic trick jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make miracle pranks.
My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the v**... Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"
I said, "No. s**... that I can't tell anyone about."
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......
Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."
A pastor goes hiking
as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."
Texas: The Miracle State
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
It's a Miracle, I tell yeah!
A police officer notices a car swerving on the freeway, so he pulls it over. As he walks up to the car he notices the driver is a priest.
"Anything to drink today, father?", the officer asks.
"No, just water", replies the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?, rebutted the officer.
The father looks at the officer with wide open eyes and replies in astonishment," SWEET JESUS! I can't believe it! He's done it again!! IT'S A MIRACLE! "
Have you heard the latest Unitarian Universalist miracle?
Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
What do Jesus and a nerd have in common?
Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle.
If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...
Try crystal m**..., it really is a miracle drug.
*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.
Religious Cowboy
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a toad walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the toad's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the toad. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?
Rough translation from Spanish:
Child:Mom, why am I dark if my father's skin is alabaster and yours is too?
Mother: With how drunk I was that night it's a miracle you don't bark!
A cruise ship with a Gay Pride party on board...
ran into a storm and began to take on water quickly but by some miracle did not sink.
What saved the ship?
"flambuoyancy"
Moses talking to a burning bush was child's play
...compared to the miracle of getting a hundred thousand Jews to voluntarily go in to the Red ~~sea~~.
Miracle?
They say Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.
"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"
Tila Tequila claims to have died and come back to life.
But if she could resurrect her h**..., that would be a *real* miracle.
Sunday morning, a man bursts into church and interrupts the sermon, shouting "It's a miracle! I'm walking! I'm walking!" "What happened?" the preacher asked.
"They stole my car" the man replied.
Inigo Montoya gets married
He tells his new wife that he has always wanted a son to carry on the family name. They try for several years, but never have any children. Upset, he takes her to Miracle Max to see what can be done. Miracle Max looks her over, asks some questions, consults his books, and comes back with the bad news. He tells Inigo that his wife will never bear children. It turns out that she's inconceivable.
Justin bieber just did a miracle by healing a wheelchair man...
He walked to turn off the music player.
The sinking of the titanic was a tragedy, of course. But...
I bet it seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
Jewish Joke
A guy comes to a priest:
- Father, I've sinned
- What is it, son?
- I scammed a Jew
- That's not a sin
- It's not?
- No, it's a miracle
The Lion with Christian feelings
Once upon a time... there was a m**... walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.
Scared to death, the m**... went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".
After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".
My wife's credit card got stolen and she doesn't know how...
I do, I've been praying for a financial miracle.
"A man gets pulled over by a cop..."
As soon as the cop walks up to the window he sees a bottle with wine, and the driver says: "Sir, this is just a bottle of water I bought at the gas station a few miles back."
Cop: "Well I'm quite sure that is red wine you have in there"
Driver: "Praise the Lord its a miracle!"
Homosexuality is not natural!
Just like healing illnesses by touch, walking over water and raising from the dead after a few days.
Homosexuality is a miracle.
When my wife and I got married,
we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have s**... with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.
"How did you get that job?" my friend asked me. "The same way Mary gave birth to Jesus." "A miracle?" He replied...
"No, s**... I shouldn't be talking about"
Holmes, someone has put miracle grow on this freshly dug grave.
The plot thickens, my dear Watson.
Please stop hating on Trump, he saved my friend's life!
Earlier last year my friend had been in a coma for years. The doctors tried everything and told us to pray for a miracle.
And then one day his nurse came and switched the TV to Trump's campaign, he woke up and turned it off.
When Mary found out she was pregnant was it a miracle?
Or a Christ-is?
Merry Christmas!
Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?
Trump Quaaluded with the Russians
It's a medical miracle
A man is recovering from surgery after a car c**..., and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
How do you tell if something is a miracle?
You look for the stamp.
(I know I have heard this before, does anyone know the origins or where it has previously popped up?)
Mike Pence and conservative doctors in Indiana announced a miracle pill to cure homosexuality
Only one problem. It's an 8-inch long suppository.
What was the most unbelievable miracle that Jesus performed?
Having 12 close friends in his thirties.
Jesus's miracle
Who said Jesus didn't perform miracles? He found mates called Matthew, Mark, Luke and John just hanging about in The Middle East.
Nobody talks about Jesus' ultimate miracle.
Having 12 close friends in his 30s.
I once spoke to a midwife about the miracle of birth
She said "Have you ever witnessed something as majestic as a human birth? It's wonderful!"
I said "I was at a birth once"
"Oh? How was it?" she quizzed me.
I said "first it was very very black, then all of a sudden very light"
a miracle
A rabbi walks through a Jewish town and then he spots a fat guy who is eating pork. The rabbi is upset and prays, whishing for the fat guy to be sick from eating this "un-clean" food.
After few minutes the rabbi changes his mind: he realized he was too strict: so he prays, prays very hard to undo his previous prayer.
And lo, there was a miracle: nothing happened to the fat man.
I love my beautician. Shes so humble.
When I tell her to make me look presentable, she says "Honey, I'm not a miracle worker"
A Christmas Miracle
It was Christmas time and the lady answered the door to the mailman. She said come inside I have something for you. She took him upstairs and s**... his brains out. The next morning she cooked him a huge breakfast and gave him a dollar. The mailman asked what just happened. She said I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas and he said 'fuck him, give him a dollar' the breakfast was my idea.
A very religious man went on a safari
When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."
PS: it was a beam of light.
PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.
A healing priest is in the process of a miracle
Priest: Stand up!
(The man slowly stands up)
Priest: Now walk my child walk!!!
(The man slowly started walking and the crowd was shocked)
The priest then gave the microphone to the man.
Priest: Now what can you say upon this miracle of God!!??
Man: I still can't see
It's a miracle
A devout old shepherd lost his favorite Bible while he was out looking for a wayward lamb. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The shepherd couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the sheep's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, It's a miracle!
Not really, said the sheep. Your name is written inside the cover.
How do you call a Lada on top of a hill?
A miracle.
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And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?
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Science fiction
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But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?
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An interesting place for a Lada factory.
A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...
... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.
"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.
"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."
A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of light and heavenly music and then bends over, looks the man in the face and speaks:
"Please, please, PLEASE buy a lottery ticket!"
People never talk about Jesus's greatest miracle.
Having more than one friend as an adult.
How Old
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.
Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, 20. Your hair, 18. Your figure, 25." "Oh, you're so sweet!" the wife said.
"Well, hang on," said the husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."
For those that don't believe in miracles
My wife has had 3 v**... births. We are truly blessed.
One morning a man came into the church on crutches
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, then threw away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene, then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?"
"Flat on his a**... over by the holy water."
Ruth went to her doctor for a check up
The doctor told her, "You have a fissure in your u**..., and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
When she arrived home, Ruth told her husband "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he said to me 'You haf a fish in your u**... and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel."
The Seven Miracles of the Soviet Union
Miracle 1: Everyone had a job.
Miracle 2: Even though everyone had a job, no one worked.
Miracle 3: Even though no one worked, the project was always completed beyond expectations.
Miracle 4: Even though the project was always completed beyond expectation, there was never anything to buy.
Miracle 5: Even though there was never anything to buy, everyone had everything they could want.
Miracle 6: Even though everyone had everything they could want, everyone still stole.
Miracle 7: Even though everyone stole, nothing was ever missing.
ME: honey WHY are you putting talcum powder in my shorts????
WIFE: it's not talcum powder it's Miracle Grow
Miracle of Science
I'm balding and that makes me sad. But thanks to the miracle of science...
I take antidepressants and now I'm never sad.
One day while a cowboy was building a barn.....
he lost his favorite book. A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth. The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, It's a miracle!
Not exactly, said the horse. Your name is written inside.
A man is frustrated with his wife gaining a little weight
He tells her, Maybe you should wash your clothes in slim fast since you won't try anything else.
The wife goes to bed angry. The next morning when the husband puts on his underwear, it's full of powder. He asks his wife why she put baby powder in his underwear.
She replies, It's not baby powder, it's miracle grow .
