Minutes Jokes
141 minutes jokes and hilarious minutes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about minutes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Two minutes jokes are a great way to liven up any meeting. Learn about the hilarious hour-long jokes that had one man waiting patiently for two long hours. Discover why these jokes are so popular and read the full collection of jokes today!
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Funniest Minutes Short Jokes
Short minutes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The minutes humour may include short seconds jokes also.
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will. No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it
- It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
- I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
- Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. - I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
- Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.
- My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
- My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
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Minutes One Liners
Which minutes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with minutes? I can suggest the ones about hours and months.
- The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...
- Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes
- I don't know why Donald Trump wants four more years. He can't even handle 60 minutes.
- Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday. It was only a minute long.
- I can tell how uncomfortable a person is... ...just by hugging them for 18 minutes.
- Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
- In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes. And he's getting fed up with it.
- Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet... in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
- How long should you microwave fish for? Tuna half minutes.
- I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd. It was here a minute ago
- What do I and Ronda Rousey have in common? neither of us can last more than a minute :(
- What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute? A Ronda Rousey fight.
- I made this 3.14 minutes before the day ended Too bad it wasn't my pi day
- The puzzle that I got as a present said 3-5 years I finished it in 20 minutes
- I am 1/4, but if you add 5 I become 1/3. What am I? 15 minutes
2 Minutes Jokes
Here is a list of funny 2 minutes jokes and even better 2 minutes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm so proud of my 18 year old son I gave him a puzzle that said "2-3 years" on it and he completed it in 2 minutes.
- I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.
- I asked my wife if I could play doctor I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time
- A vegan, a CrossFitter , and a lesbian walk into a bar... I know this because they announced it within 2 minutes of being there.
- What's the biggest lie in American history? You have 2 minutes uninterrupted.
- My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4 and is over in 2 minutes.
- What's it called when Big Shaq goes to a 2-minute Catholic service? Quick mass
- How does a cake show emotions? It tiers up.
(My cake day ends in 2 minutes.. I forgot) - I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes. It reminded me of you.
- The pizza roll box says "Let stand for 2 minutes" after cooking But all they want to do is lay there.
Meeting Minutes Jokes
Here is a list of funny meeting minutes jokes and even better meeting minutes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
- "I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date "Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..
- How can you tell a dinosaur is an herbivore? They will tell you within three minutes of meeting them and remind you every fifth sentence.
- I've finally decided to never get married. The minute I met any of my girlfriends parents they hated me immediately, and I'm always extra polite, "nice to meet you, I'm Joe King."
- I was going to meet my biological dad today but he pulled out at the last minute.
- You are my family? Nice to meet you! Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
- Thank you for attending today's meeting. Please see the below meeting minutes: Minute 1: "Hello I'm minute 1"
Minute 2: "Oh it's nice to meet you" - I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
- Isaac Newton's friend was 16 minutes late the first time they met. At their second meeting, the friend was 8 minutes late. At this rate, said Newton, "you'll never be on time."
- Wanna get to third base within minutes of meeting? Wish a customs officer happy holidays today.
45 Minutes Jokes
Here is a list of funny 45 minutes jokes and even better 45 minutes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
- What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds.
OK Ladies - if you didn't like that - what's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes. - I poured Red Bull into my CPAP machine... Got a full night's sleep in 45 minutes.
- Phew!! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die.... Maybe, I'll turn it on next time.
- My girlfriends been smoking for 45 minutes now... Maybe I should put her out.
- IN BED: It's 6 am you close your eyes for five minutes, it's 7:45. AT WORK: It's 1:30, you close your eyes for five minutes, it's 1:31.
- I tripped going down the up escalator. I fell down for 45 minutes.
- Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
- Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it.
- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
60 Minutes Jokes
Here is a list of funny 60 minutes jokes and even better 60 minutes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad says this all the time about woman with large butts. She's got an hourglass figure, with all 60 minutes at the bottom.
- When I say 60 seconds.. I minute.
- Every 60 seconds in Africa... A minute passes.
- When you think about time on the cosmic scale, an infinitely expanding past and future... 60 seconds seems pretty minute.
- Some moisturising lotion takes as long as 60 seconds to be absorbed into your skin Just let that sink in for a minute
- I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.
- Tragic: In the world every 60 seconds... ...One minute passes.
- Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds? I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"
- Fact Every 60 seconds in Ukraine a minute passes
- We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
Silly Minutes Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about minutes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean daytime jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make minutes pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...
**Algorithms.**
Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a massage last week...
and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an e**... normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...
He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'
My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"
My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
Saw a cute girl at work today.
I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.
LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.
Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Bill say to Hillary after s**...?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.
After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"
Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.
I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
I can't get over how cruel some people are.
I had some Nickelback tickets on the passenger seat of my car, and I popped into the shop for just five minutes.
When I came back, someone had smashed the window and left two more.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
Hey girl, are you the SAT?
Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...
It's my screen savior...
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lenin in Warsaw
A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, n**..., having mad s**... with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.
Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.
First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?
The director answers: In Warsaw.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate.
Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...
And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.
After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up
I wish I'd never put it on now
What's the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?
Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes
A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife
Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"
Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I s**... identify as a microwave dinner
I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been r**... twice...
I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.
When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow b**... in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had s**... for 3 hours last night...
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
A man runs out of petrol
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some y**... had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.
We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.
Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.
"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..
"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.
"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.
"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?
Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" asks the Jew.
"It's for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man.
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.
I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man buys a parrot and brings him home.
But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really n**..., so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him, and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!
I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
A friend and I were discussing a TV show and they said that the 32nd episode is undoubtedly the greatest.
Upon rewatching the episode I was shocked to find it was 30 minutes long.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.
A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.
He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.
About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.
"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"
"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies.
The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari."
Disclaimer: I did not make up this joke although I wish I had.
Cop on Patrol
A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover's lane.
He knocks on the window, when it's rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.
The cop says What's going on here?
The guy says, nothing at all officer.
Cop says Let's see some ID, how old are you? The guy hands the cop his license and says he's 27.
The cop says, And her, how old is she?
The guy looks at his watch and says
She will be 18 in exactly 9 minutes.
My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.
So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?
"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"
Her phone rings.
"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."
You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"
Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."
I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.
I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
Saw Mill Accident
Two coworkers at the saw mill witness a horrible accident that claims the life of their friend Earl. They decide their first course of action would be to inform Earl's wife, who neither of them have ever met. Ultimately, the first worker says he'll go.
About ten minutes later, he returns with a six pack of beer that he claims to have gotten from Earl's wife. In order to explain this, he describes what happened at Earl's house.
"Are you Earl's widow?"
"I'm not a widow."
"Really? You wanna bet a six pack of beer on that?"
My uncle took 4 pictures to to the hobby store to get frames made for them, but got mad when they took an hour to get them finished.
"Everybody gets 15 minutes a frame," the employee retorted.
A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.
Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.
"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"
"They said the same thing no matter what time I came in," Dave grinned. "Good morning, Colonel."
