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Minutes Jokes

142 minutes jokes and hilarious minutes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about minutes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Two minutes jokes are a great way to liven up any meeting. Learn about the hilarious hour-long jokes that had one man waiting patiently for two long hours. Discover why these jokes are so popular and read the full collection of jokes today!

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Funniest Minutes Short Jokes

Short minutes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The minutes humour may include short seconds jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
  2. The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
    I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  3. If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will. No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it
  4. It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
  5. I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
  6. Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
    Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
  7. It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
    The difference is staggering.
  8. I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
  9. Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.
  10. It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.

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Minutes One Liners

Which minutes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with minutes? I can suggest the ones about hours and weeks.

  1. The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...
  2. Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
  3. Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes
  4. I don't know why Donald Trump wants four more years. He can't even handle 60 minutes.
  5. Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday. It was only a minute long.
  6. I can tell how uncomfortable a person is... ...just by hugging them for 18 minutes.
  7. Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.
  8. I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago I'm not too worried about it
  9. I knew you'd come crawling back the minute I stole your wheelchair
  10. In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes. And he's getting fed up with it.
  11. The longest I've lasted in bed is one hour and two minutes Thanks day light savings
  12. Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet... in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
  13. How long should you microwave fish for? Tuna half minutes.
  14. I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd. It was here a minute ago
  15. What do I and Ronda Rousey have in common? neither of us can last more than a minute :(

2 Minutes Jokes

Here is a list of funny 2 minutes jokes and even better 2 minutes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm so proud of my 18 year old son I gave him a puzzle that said "2-3 years" on it and he completed it in 2 minutes.
  • I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.
  • I asked my wife if I could play doctor I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time
  • A vegan, a CrossFitter , and a lesbian walk into a bar... I know this because they announced it within 2 minutes of being there.
  • What's the biggest lie in American history? You have 2 minutes uninterrupted.
  • My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4 and is over in 2 minutes.
  • What's it called when Big Shaq goes to a 2-minute Catholic service? Quick mass
  • Don't worry if you miss 4:20 Just wait 2 minutes as it is 4:22
  • Yo' mama so slow... ...it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes
  • Help! I can't take off my girlfriends bra And she's home in 2 minutes

Meeting Minutes Jokes

Here is a list of funny meeting minutes jokes and even better meeting minutes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
  • Father: Son you were adopted Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents
    Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes
  • Son, you are adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! Where are my real parents, I want to meet my real parents!
    Dad: Oh, no no. We are your real parents! The new ones will arrive in 20 minutes.
  • "I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date "Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..
  • Two admins meet at work "A friend of mine was able to shut down the main server just in 5 minutes!"
    "Wow. He is a hacker?"
    "No. Just an idiot."
  • How can you tell a dinosaur is an herbivore? They will tell you within three minutes of meeting them and remind you every fifth sentence.
  • How can you tell if someone is from New York City? Don't worry, they'll tell you within the first few minutes of meeting them.
  • I've finally decided to never get married. The minute I met any of my girlfriends parents they hated me immediately, and I'm always extra polite, "nice to meet you, I'm Joe King."
  • I was going to meet my biological dad today but he pulled out at the last minute.
  • You are my family? Nice to meet you! Wifi went down for five minutes, so i had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
Minutes joke, You are my family? Nice to meet you!

45 Minutes Jokes

Here is a list of funny 45 minutes jokes and even better 45 minutes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
  • I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
  • A cop pulled me over and said, Papers? I said, scissors, I win, and drove off.
    He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  • What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds.
    OK Ladies - if you didn't like that - what's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes.
  • It's a 5 minute walk to the pub from my house. But getting home takes 45 minutes! The difference is staggering!
  • I poured Red Bull into my CPAP machine... Got a full night's sleep in 45 minutes.
  • Difference between GF & WIFE Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 lbs.
    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.
  • Phew!! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die.... Maybe, I'll turn it on next time.
  • The difference Its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub, and its a 45 minutes walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering..
  • Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans? Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

60 Minutes Jokes

Here is a list of funny 60 minutes jokes and even better 60 minutes puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Have you seen my gone in 60 seconds DVD? It was there a minute ago
  • My dad says this all the time about woman with large butts. She's got an hourglass figure, with all 60 minutes at the bottom.
  • When I say 60 seconds.. I minute.
  • Every 60 seconds in Africa... A minute passes.
  • When you think about time on the cosmic scale, an infinitely expanding past and future... 60 seconds seems pretty minute.
  • Some moisturising lotion takes as long as 60 seconds to be absorbed into your skin Just let that sink in for a minute
  • What do a Jewish mother-in-law and 60 Minutes have in common? They both always start with tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk...
  • I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.
  • Tragic: In the world every 60 seconds... ...One minute passes.
  • Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds? I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"
Minutes joke, Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds?

Silly Minutes Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about minutes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean months jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make minutes pranks.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**
Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an e**... normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Saw a cute girl at work today.

I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"
I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

What does Bill say to Hillary after s**...?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

Looking for his wife...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

Arrested for being too good in bed!

My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."
The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"
The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

I used to smoke w**... and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a b**... excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.

So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate.

Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat.
Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.

A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...

And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
Why?
Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

What's the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have s**....

He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11

I s**... identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been r**... twice...

I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow b**... in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

I had s**... for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-b**... and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

The best in town!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Some y**... had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.

Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.
"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..
"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.
"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.
"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?
Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" asks the Jew.
"It's for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man.

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!
Confused, he says, Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.

After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, asks, How many is a Brazilian?

When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.

I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.

My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!

I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow.

After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'

30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'

Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...

"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."
A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."
The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"
Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

My colleagues call me The Computer .

Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

My Boss calls me 'the computer'

Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.
About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.
"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"
"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies.
The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari."
Disclaimer: I did not make up this joke although I wish I had.

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover's lane.
He knocks on the window, when it's rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.
The cop says What's going on here?
The guy says, nothing at all officer.
Cop says Let's see some ID, how old are you? The guy hands the cop his license and says he's 27.
The cop says, And her, how old is she?
The guy looks at his watch and says
She will be 18 in exactly 9 minutes.

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.
"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."
You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"
Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.

Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.
"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"
"They said the same thing no matter what time I came in," Dave grinned. "Good morning, Colonel."

I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes

And thought, "Wow, dogs are so dumb!" Then i realised i just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 minutes.

3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.

Inmate 1: "So what are you in for?"
Inmate 2: "I was 5 minutes late to work and was accused of sabotage."
Inmate 1 turns to Inmate 3 and asks: "What about you?"
Inmate 3: "I was 5 minutes early to work and was accused of espionage. What about you?"
Inmate 1: "I arrived at work on time, that's how they figured out I smuggled in a watch from the west."

Minutes joke, 3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.

jokes about minutes