Minute Long Jokes

113 minute long jokes and hilarious minute long puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about minute long that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Minute Long Short Jokes

Short minute long jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The minute long humour may include short minute man jokes also.

  1. So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate. Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
  2. A friend and I were discussing a TV show and they said that the 32nd episode is undoubtedly the greatest. Upon rewatching the episode I was shocked to find it was 30 minutes long.
  3. I've got a pretty long Police record.... It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"
  4. My dad just told us that he wants his next birthday party to be exactly a minute long. It's his sixty second birthday.
  5. When you turn 61, the next year feels like it's only a minute long … … because it's your sixty-second year.
  6. Walking through the park one morning, I saw an old man feeding the birds. After a few minutes of watching him, I began to wonder... long has he been dead?
  7. Blonde on the phone Blonde: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight to New York?
    Operator: Just a minute ma'am...
    Blonde: Thank you! (call ended)
  8. A minister asked me, "Why do we spend hours on the internet but only minutes on our knees?" I said "Golly!, reverend Keller, my boyfriend can't last that long.
  9. Some moisturising lotion takes as long as 60 seconds to be absorbed into your skin Just let that sink in for a minute
  10. I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.

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Minute Long One Liners

Which minute long one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with minute long? I can suggest the ones about 2 minute and thirty seconds.

  1. Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday. It was only a minute long.
  2. How long should you microwave fish for? Tuna half minutes.
  3. How long did the underwear inspection take? A few minutes, it was only a brief evaluation
  4. How long did it take the fish to go to the store? salmon or eight minutes.
  5. How long did the Norwegian Sea cruise take? About fjordy minutes
  6. How long before Metamucil makes you feel full? About fiber so minutes.
  7. How long does a vasectomy surgery take? Two man-nuts (minutes)
  8. I gave up alcohol last year It was a long twenty minutes.
  9. My baby cousin is completely spoiled... ten minutes is way too long to microwave a baby.
  10. How long does Charlie Sheen last in bed? Two and a half minutes.
  11. How long did the baseball player spend in the s**... club? 5 minutes. It was a short stop

Hilarious Fun Minute Long Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about minute long you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean minutes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make minute long pranks.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are driving in a truck.

The brunette and redhead are in the cab and the blonde is in the back. They accidentally drive off a bridge into water. The brunette and redhead get out and swim to the surface and wait for the blonde. After a few minutes the blonde surfaces and the other two ask, "What took so long?" The blonde replies, "I couldn't get the tailgate down."

Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention?
A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are all asked the same question: If a piece of metal is 2 ft away from a car and is moved halfway there once a second (it moves 1 ft, then .5 ft, then .25 ft...), how long will it take for the metal to touch the car? The physicist says never. The mathematician says never. The engineer says in about a minute, it'll be close enough for all practical applications.

(it's a long story)A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road...

A farmer sees a stranger walking down the road. In a few minutes the man comes back and hails the farmer. He says "I see you have some Honeysuckle growing down the road. I was wondering if you had an old jar that I can collect the honey in?"
The farmer is confused and says "Well you can have a jar, but you won't get honey from a Honeysuckle."
The man replies "If you know how you can."
So the farmer gives him the jar. Soon he comes back to show the farmer and, sure enough, the jar is full of golden honey.
A few days later the stranger comes by again. He says "I see you have some Milkweed growing along the road. Would you have a bucket I can collect some milk in."
The farmer laughs and says "That was a good trick with the honey, but you can't get milk from a Milkweed."
The man replies "If you know how you can."
The farmer gives him the bucket and soon enough he comes back with the pail full of milk.
A week later the stranger comes by again.
He says to the farmer "I see you have some Pussywillows growing.."
The farmers interrupts with "Wait'll I get my hat!"

A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.

He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a h**.... She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."

How long does it take a tweaker to go shopping?

An hour 5 minutes for the Ramen noodles and foil. 55 minutes to fix the squeaky shopping cart wheel.

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."

A Million Dollars

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."

Father, what causes arthritis?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

A young lady gets on a bus...

A young lady gets on a bus but it's standing room only. A middle-aged man seated next to her is ignoring her, and she says "Excuse me, sir, would you mind standing so a pregnant lady can sit?". He excuses himself and stands for her. As she's sitting down, he realizes she doesn't look pregnant at all. He asks her, "Excuse me miss, but how long have you been pregnant?" She says "About 15 minutes, and boy are my legs tired!".

Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...

flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.
She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.
The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."
The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:
--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest

How long is the flight?

A Polish man calls up an airline.
"How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"
"One minute..."
"Thank you." *click*

Just a Minute

A man was talking with God.
Man: How long is 1000 years to you
God: about 1 minute
Man: How much is is $1,000,000 to you?
God: About $1
Man: Can I have $1,000,000 then?
God: Sure in one minute...

A man stumbles out of a bar

A man, completely wasted, stumbles out of a bar. He begins his relatively long and unbalanced journey home. After a few blocks he notices a nun walking on the other side of the street. He stops dead in his tracks and gets this s**...-eating grin on his face. Suddenly, he bolts over to the nun and starts dishing out a violent beat down. After about 10 minutes the man finally relents, stands up, spits on the nun and says "ain't so tough now are ya, batman"

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...

The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.
10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde...
20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...
Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...
After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"

How long do you need to put the turkey in the oven for?

Mine was dead within 30 minutes
(credit goes to my Grandma)

Old Soviet joke

People are waiting in a long line like to buy v**.... Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

Did I ever tell you about the time I had a f**... that lasted for an entire minute?

It's a long-winded story.

Men's Room, Men's Rules

A long line leading to the ladies' room greeted my friend's wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her 
into the empty men's room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.

So a man calls an airport

A man calls an airport. The receptionist answers.
"Yes, hello. I have a question. How long is the flight from Los Angeles to Paris?"
"Just a minute."
"Thanks," says the man and hangs up.

A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....

A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.
They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.

He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,
"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"

A fellow was walking along a country road...

...when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't say anything. So the guy decided to just start walking again.
After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes".
"Thanks. But why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"Didn't know how fast you could walk."

Hey girl, I want to do you like my homework

"Throw me on your desk and do me all night long?"
"No. Forget you're at my place, pretend like you don't exist, and then do you in 10 seconds at the last minute."

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......

The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"

Trans-continental blonde ....

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Adolf h**...'s Refrigerator

Adolf h**... opens his fridge to find 5 gallons of Tropicana, 8 gallons of Cranberry Ocean Spray, 1 gallon of Grape Minute Maid and a pint of V8. How long until he eliminates all of the juice?

The Problem With s**...-Doo

Every s**...-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

A man and his wife are touring Egypt.

While looking at the pyramids, a local merchant calls them over. He offers the man 100 camels in exchange for his wife. The man takes a few minutes, but ultimately refuses the offer and the two go on their way. A bit later the man's wife asks him, "What took you so long to say no?". The man replies, "I was trying to think of a way to bring 100 camels back home!"

Birthday Party

My friend's college mentor told her this story:
"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."
It was his thirty second birthday.

I made a movie about freezing time

I showed it to some people, but they thought it was just a picture.
It's 3 hours and 27 minutes long...if you don't pause

Donald Trump On the Phone

Donald: Hello, I would like to inquire how long is the flight from New York to London?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Donald: Okay, thanks! (hangs up)

Could I borrow a ruler?

Sure man, how long do you need it?
About 10 minutes
Yeah 10 minutes, d**...

bathroom joke

How long a minutes is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

A concerned husband goes to his priest...

"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."

$1 millions in Heaven

Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute."

A guy meets a h**... in a bar

And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".

A rich Brit comes home from a long day of work...

He says to his most trusted servant: "I had such a long day, I'd love to have some proper tea."
The servant leaves the room and comes back 30 minutes later. "What took you so long?" says the rich Brit angrily.
"I bought you a new 4 bedroomed house. I hope it's ok."

I was walking past Toys R Us today, when I noticed a really long line outside...

I asked a worker, "What's everyone here for?"
He said, "That's the Barbie queue."
Then, like an fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes waiting for a burger...

How long can a s**... whale hold its breath?

83 minutes.
Guess what a breath whale can do?

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."

A guy was robbed in the park.

He called the police. After 10 minutes, a policeman arrived.
He asked: "Can you describe the person?"
The guy answered: " Yeah. It was a man, he had a beard, was really big, approximately 1.95m."
The policeman looked confused and said: "Wow, that's a pretty long beard. can't be too hard to find him!"

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have s**...?

He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......

Ben was a fifth grader notorious for his lack of filter.

One day, he walked into class 10 minutes late. "What took you so long, Ben?" asked the teacher. "Sorry miss, there was construction happening in a w**... nearby so all the roads were blocked."
Suddenly, all the girls in the class, disgusted at Ben, rose up to protest against his v**... rhetoric. "Simmer down, you s**...", Ben replied "they are not taking applications yet."

A group of lads go out for a night and then go to a cowboy themed bar.

When they go in they see that the bar has installed a spinning bull. They all have a go and the bull spins them around and they all fall off within 30 seconds.Up steps p**... and he jumps on the bull and he stays on for 10 minutes before falling off . The rest of the lads ask how he managed to stay on for so long and he replies
"my wifes epileptic"

A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle 26 girls (A-Z) down to one.

"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have two contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"
Theres a long silence as the man thinks for a minute...
"Would you prefer A... or G?" asks the presenter
The man thinks a little longer, then replies, "Yes. Yes I would!"

An Irishman visits the local church and enters the confessional.

The priest waits to hear his confession, but the man says nothing. After a few long minutes of silence the priest pounds on the partition. A voice from the other side shouts, "No use in knocking, ain't no paper on this side either!"

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.

'Avengers 4' has been revealed to be just a third of a minute long

It's going to be the twenty-second film in the Marvel Universe

How to live forever

Why dont they just make a minute last 120 seconds, so we live twice as long?

What's hard and 16 inches long?

Never gonna give you up...
Never gonna let you down...
Good luck not singing that in your head for the next minute

What movie makes no sense if you miss the first 5 minutes of it?

A movie that is only 5 minutes long.

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my pants down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's about a penny."
Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"
God: "Sure. Just wait a minute."

Why do women take so long to change?

Because for centuries they've been told that 5 minutes is 20

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".

Whats so funny on that?

A man sits at his doctor's office after getting a check up and getting bad news:
Doctor: "I'm very sorry but you will die very soon"
Man: "Oh no! How long do i have?"
Doctor: "Very soon, i guess in 3 to 6 minutes"
Man: "Oh God! Is there nothing u can do for me?"
Doctor: "Well..., I could boil you an egg..."

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

A teacher asks her class: "How long can a human being survive without sleeping?"

Mary on the first row responds: "24h".
Peter on the second row responds: "48h".
Then the teacher sees John, daydreaming as usual, and asks him: "What do you think John?"
John goes, "I think... 3 weeks minus 15 minutes."
"Come on John", the teacher says, "Why it doesn't surprise me that you are the one giving me this ridiculous answer."
"Listen Miss Boomer", John replies, "Say what you want but yesterday evening I heard my dad say to my mom: today, we're going to bed 15 min earlier because it has been 3 weeks."

A chicken walks into a library and up to the desk (Long)

"Buk", says the chicken,
The librarian hands the chicken a book. The chicken then leaves.
Five minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk", says the chicken.
The librarian hands the chicken a book, and the chicken leaves again.
This goes on for seven or eight more times. Finally the librarian decides to take her break and follows the chicken.
The chicken goes behind the library to a pond. In the pond sits a frog on a lily pad.
The chicken throws the book into the pond. "Buk", says the chicken.
"Reddit", says the frog.

Did you know I can fly on United Airlines from Los Angles to New York in just 60 seconds?

I even called and asked how long it would take, she told me "just a minute"

A Cop on patrol sees a car in a deserted parking lot (Long)

So he walks over to it and sees and older man in the front seat and a skimpy dressed young woman in the back reading a book. He knocks on the door and the man rolls down the window.
"Can I help you officer?"
"What are you doing?" The cop asked.
"I am just listening to music." The cop pointed at the girl
"And her?"
"She is just reading a book." The cop is a little worried about the age difference between the pair."
"How old are you?"
"I am 45."
"And her?" The man looks at his watch.
"In 11 minutes and 23 seconds she will be 18."

I'm on a long bus ride when I get a tap on the shoulder...

I turn around and an old gal says to me, "Want some nuts?"
I chuckle and say, "Sure, thanks."
A couple of minutes later she taps me again and asks if I want more nuts. I politely accept.
The third time she offers I smile and ask her, "Don't you like nuts?"
She replies, "No, I don't. I only like the chocolate around them."

All you can drink for a dime (an old Flip Wilson joke)

A kid sets up a lemonade stand in front of his house, with a sign that says, All you can drink for a dime.
Before too long, a man happens by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good deal. He gives the kid a dime and the kid hands him a cup.
The man tosses it back and says, Hey, that was pretty good. I'll have another.
The kid says, That'll be another dime.
Now wait a minute, says the man, your sign says 'all I can drink for a dime.'
But you just had a cup, didn't you? asked the kid.
Well, that's all you can drink for a dime.

A man gets sent to prison for the first time.

In the middle of the night, he still can't sleep. Suddenly, he hears a prisoner yell out "18!" and everyone laughs.
Then a few minutes later, another prisoner yells "25!". Thunderous laughter, louder than the first.
Then another few minutes later, someone yells "62!". Silence.
Puzzled, the man whispers to his bunkmate, "What's going on?"
"Well," he replies, "we've been in here so long that we all know the same jokes. So we just yell the numbers to save time.
"OK. But why did no one laugh at that last one?"
"Oh, that's Tommy. He doesn't know how to tell a joke."

Eight Iron

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "This shot in impossible an eight iron!"

jokes about minute long