The Best 85 Minute Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Minute jokes. There are some minute halftime jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these minute minute man puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Minute Jokes and Puns

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...


On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

My wife is turning 32 soon...


I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.

What are you talking about? she asked.

I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

Minute joke, My wife is turning 32 soon...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.


My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

Minute joke, I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me...

Woman:"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just
happy to see me?"

Man: "Either way love, we'll be having sex in a minute"

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

When a man talks dirty to a woman...

The man is charged for sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, He's also charged $3.95 per minute.

You can explore minute waits reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean minute astonishment dad jokes. There are also minute puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

The internet is an amazing thing.

One minute I'm at work looking up
random pages, passing the time, the
next minute I'm at home looking for a new job.

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😢

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 

The teacher fainted...

A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.

After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.

Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

I knew you'd come crawling back

the minute I stole your wheelchair

Minute joke, I knew you'd come crawling back

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*


2 Priests stop at a random police checkpoint in the middle of the road...

A police officer tells the driver "We're looking for 2 pedophiles."

The driver says "Just one minute", rolls his window up, and starts arguing intensely with the other priest in the passenger seat.

He rolls his window back down, looks up at the cop and says "Ya, we'd be up for it!"

Alcoholic Horse

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, you're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?

The horse ponders for a minute and responds, I don't think I am , and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, I think, therefore I am.

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?

Both are measured in revolutions per minute.

A piece of rope walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind around here." The rope walks out back, ties himself up, and unravels his ends. The rope walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?" The rope says, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

I gave my girlfriend a birthday celebration that lasted only half a minute

After all, it was her thirty second birthday.

My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house...

"I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night

When I thought.. "Hang on a fuckin' minute"

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
"But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well? Won't they find out?"
"And who's gonna tell?"

My girlfriend is turning 32 years old...I've told her not to get her hopes up.

After all..we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

"thirty-second birthday."

Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.

I regretted it literally one minute later.

Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip

every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium.

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.

The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.

As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".

My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand

I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

"Son, you were adopted."

"I was?" the son asked.

"Yes." his parents replied. "And they're coming to pick you up any minute now so go pack your bags."

Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday.

It was only a minute long.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar Β£100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"

It's your sixty second birthday.

My new girlfriend reckons I'm no good in bed...

...but I don't see how she can make a judgement like that in less than a minute.

A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left

A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.

A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.

The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.

The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.

The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.

Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!

[NSFW] a man and a woman are having sex

A man and a woman are having sex and suddenly he stops moving and after a minute he continues. The woman asks "Honey, what was that?" The man explains: "This is a new technique I learned on the Internet: it's called buffering."

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
"No- wait, Dracula?"
"Yes!"
"You're vampires?"
"Yes. We have pamphlets."
"Vampires have missionaries?"
"Where else would new vampires come from?"
"I assumed you bit people."
"There are many hurtful stereotypes. May we come in?"

A blonde and a brunette are talking about their boyfriends' dandruff problems

The brunette says, my boyfriend used to have dandruff, but I gave him Head and Shoulders and it went away in a few days

The blonde thinks for a minute and then replies, how do you give shoulders?

My Girlfriend is turning 32 soon.

I told her not to get her hopes up.
After all, I say, we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.
She seemed upset and demanded to know why i would do that to her.
I calmly pointed out,
This is your thirty-second birthday...

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."

Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me, it's about a penny."

Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"

God: "Sure. Just wait a minute."

When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.

Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.

His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…

Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?

The other man says, You mean the rose?

His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!

He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...

Operator: Are you there sir?

More heavy breathing and another minute later...

Operator: Sir, can you hear me?

This goes on for another few minutes until...

Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?

Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.



Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.



His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…



Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?



The other man says, You mean the rose?



His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!



He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.

Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.

Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer

Bad spirits, replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?

Chemo, sabe

Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."

"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

**

Four men are at a bar bragging about how successful their sons are

One says"my son is a successful brick layer and he bought his friend a Lamborghini just because"...the second man says"my friend is a successful real estate agent and he bought his friend a yacht just because"the third man says"my son is a great lawyer and he bought his friend a mansion just because"....their was a minute of silence and the second man asks the fourth man what his son does ...the fourth man replies"he's a gay stripper"..the third man says"oh you must be ashamed I'm sorry"which the fourth man says"not really his three boyfriends bought him a Lamborghini,a yacht,and a mansion just because"

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

A man is walking home late at night.

When he sees a woman in the shadows.

Twenty bucks, she says.

He's never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on themβ€” it's a policeman.

What's going on here, people? asks the officer.

I'm making love to my wife, the man answers indignantly.

Oh, I'm sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.

Well, said the man, to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.

One minute you're young and fun...

The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

My dad just gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on why to use condoms during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman: What are you selling?

Vendor: Apple seeds... $5 a pop!

Policeman: What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?

Vendor: They make you smarter!

Policeman: OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!

Vendor: See!!! You're smarter already!

Policeman: WOW, you're right... Give me two more, quick!

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all the blood there". The third bat now goes a way and gets back after just a minute looking bloodier than bought of the other bats. "So where did you go"

"You see that lamp over there?"

"Yes"

"Well i didn't see it"

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, I'm drawing God.

The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, They will in a minute.

A man asked God: "what's a million years to you?"

God replied: "to me it's only a minute"

"And what's a million dollars?"

"To me, it's only a cent"

"So... can I have one of your cents?"

"Sure, just give me a minute."

A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

They are shown into a room where a naked woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.

The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.

The engineer walks halfway across the room.

"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"

"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"

A guy is talking to a barmaid with an exceptionally large chest...

After an awkward pause the barmaid says "Excuse me sir, my eyes are up here"

The man replies "When you've got something written on your t-shirt, people are going to read it."

The barmaid says "Yes, but you've been staring at my chest for the past minute, what's your problem?"

The guy goes "I'm dyslexic so it's taking me a while to get through the 3rd paragraph."

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: Can I talk to my wife, please?

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I'll stay on the line

Very well, sir , the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a moment later, the butler returns to the phone.

I shot them both, sir. What should I do with the bodies?

I don't care, throw them in the pool

We don't have a pool, sir

Ah, sorry, wrong number

How to increase your strength

An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

β€”Beverly Gross

True story: Many years ago I worked a drive thru fast food place. A tow truck came through with a car hooked up in back. I asked him what I could get for him. The driver asked for a minute to decide.

After a minute I said, Sir, can you hurry up? You're *holding up* the car behind you.

It's a 5 minute walk to the pub from my house. But getting home takes 45 minutes!

The difference is staggering!

An engineer on trial.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

I told my son his birthday was only half a minute this year

He asked what the heck am I talking about. I said, well it's his thirty second birthday...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

A minute later he hears, You look great. Have you lost weight? He looks around, but there's no one near.

Again, a minute later, he hears, You know, you don't look a day over 30. Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, Did you hear that?

The bartender says, It's the peanuts. They're complimentary.

My dad just told us that he wants his next birthday party to be exactly a minute long.

It's his sixty second birthday.

Sister Mary was just getting out of the shower

Sister Margaret came in and said Sister Mary, there is a blind man here who needs to speak with you


Sister Mary replies, Send him in, the poor blind man is not going to see anything

A minute later the man walks in and says Nice tits Sister. Now tell me where do you want me to hang these blinds?

You've got 10 minutes...

My wife (38F) caught the dreaded virus, so it fell to me (39M) to take all the kids to get tested.

I gave them a 10 minute warning while I got my wife a coffee. After 10 minutes (okay it was probably at least 15), I called out to the kids "if you haven't already, can you please grab your shoes and get ready to head to the car..."

I grabbed my own shoes, finished my own coffee, took it to the kitchen, and as I washed it called out "is anyone not ready yet?"

_(no response)_

(louder) **"Okay, how about this then - who _IS_ ready?"**

_my eldest son (13M):_ "um, no one's ready"

#"what!? I gave you all at least 20 minutes!! What is happening!?"

_my eldest son:_ "Well, I'm David, he's John, she's Chloe"

...

and I don't know if I've been so proud to be a dad before

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the minute muster jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working minute minute long piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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