Following is our collection of miner puns and landmine one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Mine jokes for adults, dirty ore jokes and clean friend dad gags for kids.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.
Cause I wanna make you mine.
COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: mine
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
He started counting but fell asleep.
"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours
When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
Iļø said, No, in fact, Iļø like your mother in law a lot better than Iļø like mine
Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.
Girl: And after that?
Boy: And after that we'll see.
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth
His words, not mine.
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Over there next to mine, was not the answer I was expecting.
I said, "no, it doesn't".
*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*
**
She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman
Their words not mine
Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.
Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.
So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"
I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".
But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes.
His words. Not mine.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
"Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"
And the miner replies "Mine."
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.
That makes two of us I said.
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
oops wrong sub.
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
I just wish it had been mine.
I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.
It wasn't mine, but I took it anyway.
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:
-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!
His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.
Then, his dad said:
-Now give me one and the other to your brother!
Son asks:
-What about mine?
Father answers:
-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
It was mine.
Because I want to make you mine.
But she is going to be really mad if she finds out
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...
"Keep your voice down!" I yelled, "some of them are still in the closet."
I have a feeling he'll come around.
She'd be my daughter.
He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.
Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!
So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.
A flat miner
The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."
Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."
The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"
Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"
His father replied, well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine.
When I entered the examination room and asked the doctor where I should put my trousers, I have to say, "over there with mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
Hers is in February and mine in July
In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
Little Johnny threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?
She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!
... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
It was definitely not my cup of tea.
'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
'How do you know?' the friend asked.
'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'
'So?' the friend replied.
'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!
And I thought to myself "that could've been me"
Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
Mine
And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.
If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Was that your fault or mine?
when I saw a black guy with a TV. I was shocked, and I rushed back home, thinking it was mine. But luckily, it was still there, shining my shoes.
Mine is the Ford F Series.
Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.
Data.
So he can mine it.
...The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body.
Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:
"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."
For fuck's sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!
"Is it mine"?
I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.
There is an abundance of mineshaft jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 90 funniest jokes and mine puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any told witze you can hear about mine.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.