Mine Jokes
129 mine jokes and hilarious mine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mine Short Jokes
Short mine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mine humour may include short mind jokes also.
- I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law. Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
- I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
- A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
miner: mine - For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse. At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
- My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
- I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
- During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
- A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said I just want to be happy . So now I'm living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?'Whistle while you work…….' ?
- Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
- Girl: What are your plan for today? Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.
Girl: And after that?
Boy: And after that we'll see.
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Mine One Liners
Which mine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mine? I can suggest the ones about my missus and personal.
- Hey baby, are you a GPU? Cause I wanna make you mine.
- A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.
- My professor accused me of plagiarism His words, not mine.
- Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.
- TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine. oops wrong sub.
- I took a kleptomania exam. It wasn't mine, but I took it anyway.
- My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.
- A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20. We always have a joint birthday party.
- What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner
- How's y'all's summer bods looking? Mines looking like I have a great personality.
- Did you hear the one about the guy who hated coal? Never mined.
- I once mistook somebody's drink for mine. It was definitely not my cup of tea.
- What do you call a selfish bomb? Mine
- What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? "Is it mine"?
- Everyone has these expansive bucket lists Mine is a little pail in comparison
Salt Mine Jokes
Here is a list of funny salt mine jokes and even better salt mine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon? Mine's embalming fluid.
- What is Bill Cosby's favorite type of mine? A salt mine
- Do you know the name of the biggest salt mine? The league of legends
Laughable Mine Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about mine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mere jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mine pranks.
Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...
... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.
A Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are on a plane...
The pilot informs them that they lost an engine and must drop some weight. The frenchman throws a bottle of wine out the window, "we have way too much of this in my country." The Mexican throws out his drugs, "we have way too many of these in my country." The American quickly tosses the Mexican out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tender touching
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great s**..., she spent the next hour just rubbing his t**... -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men playing golf (a favourite of mine)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long f**... procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.
Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...
So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"
Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."
Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently met up with an old girlfriend of mine and we immediately started having s**......
...The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
MY WIFE IS A LIAR!
'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
'How do you know?' the friend asked.
'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'
'So?' the friend replied.
'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!
A little boy went up to his father and asked, Dad, where did my intelligence come from?
His father replied, well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine.
Probably offensive
My friend and I were walking down the street the other day when we saw a young black man running past with a TV. "That looked just like mine!" I exclaimed. We immediately rushed home to check but everything was fine, mine was still polishing my shoes.
My wife is an angel.
Bob and Harry are fishing one day....
Bob.... "How's your wife been?"
Harry...."She's an angel, how about yours?"
Bob...."Egh, mine is still alive."
I'm not racist but
I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".
But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes.
A close call.
Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Little Johnny is back
In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".
Little Johnny threw his bag outside.
Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"
Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.
She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist."
Their words not mine
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a h**... from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill Clinton: "I sure hope Hillary gets better interns than I did..."
"All of mine s**..."
A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.
Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."
"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"
"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv
I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.
When people show me pictures of their kids, I show them pictures of my exes
If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I saw a black man running..
I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.
I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If minecraft taught me one thing...
It's to never spend diamonds on a h**....
I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...
And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.
The girl next door to mine is a pornstar
But she is going to be really mad if she finds out
A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
Minesweeper
It's either a computer game or an angry German custodian yelling at kids who stole his broom.
Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies
"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"
"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."
"How can you be so sure?"
"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."
I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?
She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!
So today my wife was screaming Give it to me, I'm so wet! give it to me!
She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.
How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.
A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11
The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:
-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!
His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.
Then, his dad said:
-Now give me one and the other to your brother!
Son asks:
-What about mine?
Father answers:
-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?
Because I want to make you mine.
An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"
The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."
Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."
The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"
Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an e**....
When he came back he handed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday
I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.
What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?
Data.
So he can mine it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Condoms do not guarantee safe s**...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband
Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)
Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth
A man asks another "do you have a car?".
"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".
A buddy of mine is one of those flat Earther's. He said he's angry and going to the edge.
I have a feeling he'll come around.
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing e**....
I just wish it had been mine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
Where are we?
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her p**...!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her b**... cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
A friend of mine is writing a book on Californian sea lions.
I assured him that paper would be much easier.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went to the bathroom earlier and took a p**.......
not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was trying to sleep last night. Here's what happened.
Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:
"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."
For f**...'s sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.
"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
Some people just moved into the flat next to mine. Apparently, they listen to Metallica!
Whether they like it or not
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: You can have mine
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbor visited my house the other day
He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?
12 I said.
A few days later he came back, pretty p**.... "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"
Yeah, so did I.
\*Heard in Dutch and translated.
A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs?
The Indian nap-less 500.
