The Best 98 Mine Jokes

Saw a black guy walking the streets carrying a tv and I thought "is that one mine"?...

... then I remembered it couldn't be mine because mine was mowing the lawn at the moment.

Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"

Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"

Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."

Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!

So I was walking outside yesterday(potentially offensive)...

when I saw a black guy with a TV. I was shocked, and I rushed back home, thinking it was mine. But luckily, it was still there, shining my shoes.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

What's your favorite pick up line?

Mine is the Ford F Series.

MY WIFE IS A LIAR!

'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

'How do you know?' the friend asked.

'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'

'So?' the friend replied.

'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!

A little boy went up to his father and asked, Dad, where did my intelligence come from?

His father replied, well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine.

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

I'm not racist but

I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".

But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes.

TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine.

oops wrong sub.

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.

It was mine.

Circumcisions are painful.

When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year

A close call.

Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

Little Johnny is back

In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".

Little Johnny threw his bag outside.

Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"

Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"

My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist."

Their words not mine

A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.

She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.She says, " I want a man that"s smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " Liver alone, cheese mine!!"

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

My professor accused me of plagiarism

His words, not mine.

"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no, it doesn't".

*Credit to Jimmy Carr.*

**

I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv

I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.

A friend of mine told me all my clothes were gay...

"Keep your voice down!" I yelled, "some of them are still in the closet."

When people show me pictures of their kids, I show them pictures of my exes

If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

What did one earthquake say to the other?

Was that your fault or mine?

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

Farts are like children

I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

I took a kleptomania exam.

It wasn't mine, but I took it anyway.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a hoe.

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

The girl next door to mine is a pornstar

But she is going to be really mad if she finds out

A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

A friend of mine said, I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?

She did, I replied, But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!

So today my wife was screaming Give it to me, I'm so wet! give it to me!

She can scream all she wants but the umbrella is mine.

A cop pulls over a miner and asks

"Sir, whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do as a profession?"

And the miner replies "Mine."

What do you call a selfish bomb?

Mine

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway

COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?

Because I want to make you mine.

An exasperated and weary Joseph asked the innkeeper, "Do you have any rooms?"

The innkeeper shook his head and replied, "No, we're all full."

Joseph pleaded, "Listen, my wife is pregnant..."

The innkeeper retorted, "Hey, that's not my fault!"

Joseph shouted, "It's not mine, either!!"

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.

A friend of mine told me today that he doesn't understand cloning...

That makes two of us I said.

My teacher accused me of plagiarising my paper.

His words. Not mine.

I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

I had a prostate exam the other day...

When I entered the examination room and asked the doctor where I should put my trousers, I have to say, "over there with mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

*cop pulls over a driver*

Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

A buddy of mine is one of those flat Earther's. He said he's angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he'll come around.

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.

The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .

"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.

I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

"If my boy turns out to be one of them trangendereds, that ain't no son of mine"

She'd be my daughter.

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

A mentor of mine once told me

that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.

Over there next to mine, was not the answer I was expecting.

Walking home after a girls' night out, two rather drunk women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."

So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"

A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.

When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo....

not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"

"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"

... An old joke in honor of the great man.

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

Some people just moved into the flat next to mine. Apparently, they listen to Metallica!

Whether they like it or not

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"

A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: You can have mine

My neighbor visited my house the other day

He said: Isn't your house the same as mine? How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your living room when you moved in?

12 I said.

A few days later he came back, pretty pissed. "I just finished, and I have 7 rolls of wallpaper left!"

Yeah, so did I.

\*Heard in Dutch and translated.

Looking for a good eye Dr.

I can't see mine any more

Before my prostate exam I asked my doctor where to leave my trousers.

"Over here by mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

I saw a girl sitting at the bar the other day, so I went over.

"What's your name?" I asked her

"Chantelle," she said. I looked at her puzzled.

"What?" I asked.

"Chantelle," she repeated. This just confused me even more.

"Come on, seriously, what's your name?" I asked.

"I told you, Chantelle!" She exclaimed.

"Fine then!" I conceded. "I Chantelle you mine either."

A surgeon friend of mine has just lost his job

After he admitted to having sex with one of his patients. I'm gutted for him as he's a cracking bloke and a bloody good vet.

What's your favorite Robin Williams movie?

Without a doubt, mine is Mrs. Fire.

A cop pulls over a miner and asks Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Mine.

A mate of mine just told me that he has been drinking brake fluid!

I told him how dangerous that is and how it could kill him if he keeps it up, but he said he can stop anytime he likes.

I can't believe some people pick their nose!

I was born with mine..