Mind Reading Jokes
75 mind reading jokes and hilarious mind reading puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mind reading that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Mind Reading Short Jokes
Short mind reading jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mind reading humour may include short mind control jokes also.
- A horse walks into a bar. Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!" - Would you like the ability to read minds? Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind
- I've been reading the thesaurus a lot lately... because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
- A Horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey!" The horse replies, "You read my mind!"
- I found out recently that I can read minds. So far, only mine, but I am still new to this thing.
- I spend my spare time reading the Thesaurus... because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
- A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, Hey!
The horse says, You read my mind, buddy. - I think I can read minds because I always know a BMW is changing lanes before they use their blinker
- I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things" Eleven will blow your mind!!!
- Short armed and dangerous. Did you hear about the mind reading midget that escaped from prison? The papers said small medium at large.
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Mind Reading One Liners
Which mind reading one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mind reading? I can suggest the ones about mind controlling and mind game.
- I just read John F Kennedy's biography The end was mind blowing
- I just read a great joke about how women always change their mind nvm it's not that good.
- What do you call a robot that can read your mind? A psyborg.
- If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
- Meta Person: Reading minds.
Interviewer: So, what's your biggest stren–WHAT? - Yo momma's so dumb, the psychic hotline only charges her half price to read her mind!
- Reading minds. Me:
So whats your super powe- - Have you read that book about Kurt Cobain's death? It's mind blowing.
- Just read an article on how JFK died. Mind. Blown.
- What do you call a mind reading satnav? A Tell-a-path
- Finished reading a biography on JFK.... ...the ending was mind blowing.
- What do you call a mind reader who can't read minds? A telepathetic.
- I can't read a girl's mind... Because username checks out.
- I can read minds. YMCA
I bet you are singing this now - I'm still learning to read minds. What do you think about that?
Unearthly Funniest Mind Reading Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about mind reading you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mind thinking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mind reading pranks.
Q: Why can't women read maps?
A: Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
A mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you r**...?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
Cynical Meanings
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
In the coffee room of the hospital, two doctors were having an argument......
Dr Hardy, gesticulating with his hands, says "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"
Dr Patel disagrees "No Man, I'm 100% it is Whoooooommmmmm"
They go on like this for about 10 minutes, with neither backing down. Finally, exasperated that the argument is preventing him from reading his paper, an obstetrician stands up, walks over, and in a rather superior manner says 'Gentleman, the spelling you are looking for is w-o-m-b. w**...' He then tucks his paper under his arm, and walks away to find a quieter spot to enjoy his paper.
After he has gone away, Dr Hardy turns to Dr Patel and says, "I bet you
he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one f**... under water!"
The Pope visits Las Vegas
The Pope was making a widely publicised and controversial visit to Las Vegas. His publicity advisors warned him that the trip would be fraught with risks, but the holy man insisted that the gambling capital of the world was exactly the kind of place that the church should be trying to spread its message. After a long flight, the Pope stepped off the plane to find himself face to face with a horde of television cameras and newspaper journalists. One eager young news hound t**... a microphone at the Pope and asked, "Pope, what is your opinion of the large numbers of brothels in this city?" Mindful of the warnings he'd received from his advisors, he thought carefully for a second and replied tactfully, "Are there any brothels in this city?" The next day he was distraught to see the newspaper's headline which read "Pope's first question: 'Are there any brothels in this city?'"
The more you read, the better it gets.
A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"
The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and get my license."
The woman in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him. He's s**... when he's drunk."
This wakes up the person sitting in the backseat, who says "Oh darn, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Then a voice from the trunk says in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Not really a joke with a punchline but this is something i wrote when i was 15, freshman year of highschool which got me suspended for a week.
The teacher told us to pair up and write a short children's story. The impending disaster of this situation was exacerbated because my friend happened to be in the class and was as like minded as me. Here's as much as we could read before the teacher kicked us out:
>The birds were chirping, and the bees were buzzing. Inside the bedroom, Mr Lumberjack arose with his morning wood... then a tiny squirrel came upon the windowsill, mouth full, panting ecstatically, to which the Lumberjack greeted, "good morning Mr Squirrel, have you had your nuts this morning?"
The teacher immediately cut me off there and sent me to the principals office.
Driving in Scotland
(First post here, let me know if i need to fix anything please).
An American decides to visit Scotland. While there, he decides to rent a nice car to explore the country. Not long on the road he is pulled over by a police officer. The officer approached the vehicle and asks the American,
"I don't the way you were drivin' back there. Have you been drinkin' today?"
"No officer I haven't." To which the officer replies,
"Well, I guess ya wouldn't mind proving yurself with a breathlizer test, would ya?"
"If you will stop pestering me, than no, I wouldn't mind." The American blows and the machine reads a flat .00. "See? I told you I haven't been drinking. May I go now?" The officer was skeptical and retorted,
" The danm thing must be broken! Gimme that!" The officer blows and the machine immediately starts ringing. Registering a .38."Guess it's working, don't let me pull ya over again." To which the American promptly drives away. Only to get pulled over three miles later, by the same officer, for the fourth time that day.
Bridge to Hawaii
Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish.
Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time.
God: Ehhhh…. your wish is too materistic! I would have to get the concrete, carefully think about the design, along with pipes and suspensions for balance and aesthetics. It would be quite a bit to handle on my part! Wish something else and I will grant it.
Greg: Alright…Hmmm OK I wish to be able to read women's minds. I want to know exactly what they're thinking at all times, what they mean when they say nothing . Basically, I want to understand women inside out.
God: So you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?
A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader: "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty.
So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is much better!"
"For Dummies"
In an effort to reinvigorate my interest in reading, I decided to visit Barnes and Noble. I walked past the romance section, I strolled by the mystery books, until I came across the "For Dummies" series.
For those that don't know, *For Dummies* is a series that explains things in a simplistic manner, so that anyone can try to understand them.
I found *Java for Dummies.* That's great! I wouldn't mind learning how to code.
I found *Violins for Dummies.* That's fantastic! I'd love to learn violin.
Then, I came across *Athletic Scholarships for Dummies.*
I never realized they came in any other way.
What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so?
"Curses, foiled again!"
Old couple is sitting on the front porch
Old couple is sitting on the front porch. Grandpa is sitting on the bench reading the newspaper, grandma is in a rocking chair knitting. They have been together since prom night. *Grandma seems angry, gets up from the chair goes to grandpa and slaps him so hard he drops the newspaper, his glasses fall on the porch breaking the lens in it.*
Grandpa seems more offended than angry and ask grandma:
*\- Why did you do this?*
grandma replies:
*\- Because throughout the 50 years of our marriage s**... with you was awful!*
Grandpa picks up the newspaper from the ground, fumbles with his lens. After about a minute, *grandpa gets off the bench walks to grandma and kicks out the rocking chair of grandma.* Grandma falls into the flowerbed, sweeps the dirt from her hair and asks grandpa:
*\- Are you out of your mind old f**...? What did you this for?*
grandpa replies:
*\- How do you know what good s**... is?!*
Would you like to know how to read minds?
It's simple! Just relax. Take a deep breath.
Minds
Minds
Minds
Minds
Minds
Two Jews meet in a NY subway
a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
Using high powered gamma rays, creatures on Mars have established total mind control over Donald. And Hillary. And the liberal press. And the Alt-right.
Hey, all I know is what I read on Facebook.
(But it explains everything!)
Bjj on my mind
If you read that wrong you're still probably right.
A Blonde Checks Her Mail
A man was outside mowing his lawn, when the blonde next door came out and looked in her mailbox. She frowned and went back in.
After a few minutes the blonde came back out and looked in her mailbox again. She had the same reaction and then went in once more. The man was a little confused but he minded his own business.
A few minutes later the blonde returned once more, and now the man was curious. 'What are you doing?' he asked her, 'You've checked your mailbox three times now. Nothings going to change in a few minutes.'
The blonde replies, 'Yes, but my computer keeps saying "You've got mail !" '
I read this on a joke site a couple years ago. Thought it belonged here.
Relax...close your eyes...OK, now I will read your mind.
Geez! Really? You think this is some kind of joke?
Scientists are testing new mind reading methods with ants
It sounds like a cool psy-ants project
Do you want the ability to read minds?
Mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind,mind.
A dyslexic couple have their minds read and go home afraid for their lives!
What do they expect after visiting a psychotic.
Pre-Marriage vs Post-Marriage
Below is an example of what a typical conversation between a couple on a date will be like :
Guy: "I've never been this happier in my life..."
Girl: "Will you ever leave me?"
Guy: "Not in a million years!"
Girl: "Did you love me?"
Guy: "Of course! I'll always do!"
Girl: "Have you ever cheated on me?"
Guy: "No! I'll never have that horrific thought cross my mind!"
Girl: "Let's kiss!"
Guy: "Yes..."
Girl: "Sweetie..."
So, what happens if they got married? Well, just read in reverse.
Hey, this girl keeps staring at my lips whenever I'm talking, I think she wants to kiss me
Never mind she's deaf and she's trying to lip read
It was believed that Helen Keller could see dead people and read people's minds.
She had the fourth sense
A woman is sitting at her husband's f**... listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his t**....
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
A man came up to me and said, "I bet I can read your mind."
I said, "I bet you can't."
He said, "I knew you'd say that."
I bought a chocolate bar today and the inside read, "You're a loser"
I wouldn't have minded as much if there had been a competition on.
To make matters worse, it was Boost...
In a very large commercial building there were three stores owned and run by three different businessmen.
The businessman who had his store at one end of the building put up a sign that read "Year End Clearance Sale".
At the far end of the building, not to be outdone, the other businessman put up a sign that read "Closing Out Sale".
The businessman who ran the store in the middle got nervous. He was afraid that his business would certainly be hurt due to the two big signs put up by his competitors.
After grilling his mind for a bit he goes and puts up a sign flashing "Main Entrance"
Mind readers in Harry Potter
If a legilamins has a child that can't read minds, is that child illigilamins?
A man is on trial for robbery...
A man is on trial for robbery, and it's a clear cut case.
The prosecution is sure that they've got this one in the bag.
The judge begins to read the final decision, saying, "Alright, I'm going to sentence you right here and now unless there's anything you can say to change my mind"
The man stands up and shouts "Your honor, wait! I had just cause!"
The prosecution looks nervous. There's a murmur in the courtroom.
The judge looks surprised, and says, "Really? What was your just cause?"
The man shrugs and says "...Just 'cause!"
I've spent my isolation reading the thesaurus.
Because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way and yells, Hey!
The horse says, You read my mind, buddy.
So I read an article today that blew my mind from a math nerd/science person perspective.
Apparently factories are not making the 12 inch ruler any longer.
