The Best 95 Mind Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Mind jokes. There are some mind subconscious jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mind mind reading puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Mind Jokes and Puns
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...
I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
An young Irish boy
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
I just read John F Kennedy's biography
The end was mind blowing
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these salads to table six then."
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
Is it wrong to hate a certain race?
I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
You can explore mind mindset reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mind mindblown dad jokes. There are also mind puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Mess with someone's mind
Make your day more fun by going up
to a stranger and asking "Hey, how
have you been since the amnesia?"
What do cows drink joke
Say each of the questions aloud and then answer the final question.
What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?
So what do cows drink?
I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant...
But then I changed my mind.
This will blow your mind!
If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.
Why Is A Man's Mind Dirtier Than A Woman's?
A woman changes hers more often.
I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar...
He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS
A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
What did 2 say to 3 about 6?
Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!
A mexican kid tells D. Trump:
I want to be President!
Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded?
Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.
I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"
Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind
How many Mexicans does it take to build a...
Never mind, they're already done, and they paid for it too.
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant
but then I changed my mind
Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?
It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.
I thought about getting a brain transplant
But then i changed my mind
A Scotsman moves to London
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
A conversation with god about Trump
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."ο»Ώ
Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye
Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind
A boy was eating chocolate...
A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."
Inventor displays the first knife ever.
His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"
A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...
She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
Two mind-readers bump into each other on the street...
The first one says to the second one: "You're fine, how am I?"
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises
That woman blows my mind
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:
-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?
-Sure.
-It's pretty much worthless.
-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.
A man is looking for a parking space
Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.
"Never mind. I found one."
In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
My wife left me because I am too insecure.
Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...
I had to put my foot down.
Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...
Totally blew my mind
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer
Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
At a funeral
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?
"Goodnight."
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the cashier "do you have extra large condoms".
the cashier says "yes, second aisle to the left. You wanna buy some?"
the woman says
"No, but would you mind if I wait here until someone else does"
Green chameleon for sale...
No, a red one.
No, blue.
No wait, a pink one.
Cool.
Never mind, I'm keeping it!
A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death
He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".
Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.
I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject
But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
"i used to be a Christian"
She said to her boyfriend, he replies "that's ok, I don't mind" relieved she says "oh that's great, I'm so much more comfortable being Christine"
What's one nickel minus one nickel?
Wait never mind that makes no cents.
I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
I was going to sue my neurosurgeon.
But he changed my mind.
My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar
So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant
then I changed her mind
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed.
I told her, If you change your mind, call me. I'll come right away.
Men's brains
My girlfriend told me that Men's brains are all in their penises. I told her that I like it when she blows my mind.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.
Blew his mind.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot
Don't mind him. He's just a product of our times
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.
The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
Brain transplants will never be possible.
Change my mind.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.
Voice: *Nice tie.*
The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.
Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*
The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.
Voice: *I like your hair like that!*
Finally concerned, the man said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
The bartender replied, Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.
I went to a restaurant and they asked me "Do you mind waiting a bit?"
"Not at all", I replied.
"Good", they said, while handing me some menus. "Take these to Table 11."
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.
Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
If a mini quiz were called a quizzicle, what would a mini test be called?
A quiz. Get your mind out of the gutter.
A horse walks into a bar.
Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!"
My brother was murdered today
cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.
me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.
cop: you're sure?
me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.
A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guys says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It's a dead mouse, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guys says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
1 in 6 people...
find Russian roulette mind blowing.
Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.
The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 5.
.. my sister told me onions are the only vegetable that make you cry
...so I threw a pumpkin at her head. She soon changed her mind
A guy calls the RV place where he bought his travel trailer to ask what he needs to do to winterize it.
The guy says, bring it on over and I'll summarize it for you.
The owner of the trailer says, no, I need it WINTERβ¦β¦never mind! I'll figure it out myself!
I was going to get a brain transplant
But I changed my mind.
Sad news, my obese parrot died today.
Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
Hearing Problems
Grandpa goes to the doctor complaining of hearing problems. The doctor looks in his ear, grabs his forceps and pulls out a suppository. A light goes on in Grandpa's mind. He picks up his cell phone and calls his wife. "Ethel? I think I know what happened to my hearing aid."
Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?
You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned itβ¦
How I learned to mind my own business
I was walking past a mental hospital the other day.
And the patients were shouting 13, 13, 13.. the fence was too high high to see over. But there was a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what's going onβ¦.
β¦
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick
And the next thing I hear from over the fence is all the patients chanting 14β¦β¦14β¦..14β¦.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mind mind thinking jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working mind mind trick piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.