Mind Jokes
170 mind jokes and hilarious mind puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mind that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
- Short Mind Jokes
- Mind One Liners
- Mind Thinking Jokes
- Change Your Mind Jokes
- Change My Mind Jokes
- Changing Mind Jokes
- More Mind Jokes
Funniest Mind Short Jokes
Short mind jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mind humour may include short mental jokes also.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
- What's between an introvert and an extrovert? A wall.
(I know it wasn't funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough) - First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is." - Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business. - Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
- A horse walks into a bar. Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!" - Inventor displays the first knife ever. His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind" - Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin? It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.
- In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
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Mind One Liners
Which mind one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mind? I can suggest the ones about mage and matter.
- At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant then I changed her mind
- Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones? Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.
- I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.
- I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind
- What's one nickel minus one nickel? Wait never mind that makes no cents.
- Sad news, my obese parrot died today. Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
- Brain transplants will never be possible. Change my mind.
- I was going to sue my neurosurgeon. But he changed my mind.
- Great minds think alike... That's why we have so many opinions in America
- Why Is A Man's Mind Dirtier Than A Woman's? A woman changes hers more often.
- I just read John F Kennedy's biography The end was mind blowing
- What did 2 say to 3 about 6? Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!
- 1 in 6 people... find Russian roulette mind blowing.
- I thought about getting a brain transplant But then i changed my mind
- What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.
Mind Thinking Jokes
Here is a list of funny mind thinking jokes and even better mind thinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces
- I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar... He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
- My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
- My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer. Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
- Have you guys seen this new air freshener that works on mind control? It makes scents when you think about it.
- I heard they're making a mind controlled air freshener It makes scents when you think about it
- Missing puzzle piece My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle.
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces. - Did you guys hear about the new mind-controlled air freshener? It's a great idea! I mean, it makes scents when you think about it.
- The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener. It makes scents if you think about it.
- What did the orange say to the door? Mind if I squeeze in?
Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.
Change Your Mind Jokes
Here is a list of funny change your mind jokes and even better change your mind puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- how many Irish mammies does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Don't mind me, I'll sit in the dark. You kids go have your fun.
- My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed... I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
- My girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed. I told her, If you change your mind, call me. I'll come right away.
- .. my sister told me onions are the only vegetable that make you cry ...so I threw a pumpkin at her head. She soon changed her mind
- watching the US government deal with the Coronavirus is like watching the Ministry of Magic deal with Voldemort's return. change my mind.
- I heard they can do brain transplants now! I was all set to do it.... ...but my local doctor changed my mind.
- I tried to tell the doctor that I didn't want a brain transplant. But he changed my mind.
- The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. But she has already changed her mind.
- People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future. Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.
- I told my doctor I didn't want a brain transplant. But he changed my mind.
Change My Mind Jokes
Here is a list of funny change my mind jokes and even better change my mind puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just read a great joke about how women always change their mind nvm it's not that good.
- After decades of intense research, scientists have finally figured out what a woman wants Unfortunately, she's since changed her mind.
- A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's, she changes it more often.
- Did you hear about the brain surgeon who was thinking of performing a brain transplant on himself? He ended up having a change of mind.
- I always thought a brain transplant was far too risky. Then I changed my mind...
- Why don't women have dirty minds? Because they're constantly changing them...
- I decided that I wasn't going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind
- Initially I didn't want to have the brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.
- How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark...
- I was going to get a brain transplant But I changed my mind.
Changing Mind Jokes
Here is a list of funny changing mind jokes and even better changing mind puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think I can read minds because I always know a BMW is changing lanes before they use their blinker
- I didn't want a brain Transplant But then they changed my mind
- Did you hear about the guy who was scheduled to get a brain transplant? He changed his mind.
- How many Nigerians does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind, I forgot there was no electricity in Nigeria.
- Someone once told me it's okay to change your mind in light of new facts. I told him I used to think that.
- Scientists have discovered what a woman wants. But she changed her mind the next second.
- A surgeon told me I was in grave need of a brain transplant. I refused, telling her she wouldn't change my mind.
- The mind of a fool is immune to change, and who can think it strange? The reasons clear for all to know... A fool has no mind to change.
- There are two types of people. Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind.
- I was thinking of getting a brain transplant I changed my mind
Humorous Mind Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about mind you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thinking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mind pranks.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you r**...?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
An young Irish boy
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
Army commando recruitment - from India
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these salads to table six then."
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
Is it wrong to hate a certain race?
I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Mess with someone's mind
Make your day more fun by going up
to a stranger and asking "Hey, how
have you been since the amnesia?"
What do cows drink joke
Say each of the questions aloud and then answer the final question.
What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?
So what do cows drink?
This will blow your mind!
If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.
A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….
...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?
The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.
Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.
EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS
A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
A mexican kid tells D. Trump:
I want to be President!
Trump says: are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you r**...?
Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.
I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"
Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind
How many Mexicans does it take to build a...
Never mind, they're already done, and they paid for it too.
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
A Scotsman moves to London
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
A conversation with god about Trump
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye
h**... uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind
A boy was eating chocolate...
A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."
A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...
She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to s**... on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
Two mind-readers bump into each other on the street...
The first one says to the second one: "You're fine, how am I?"
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their p**...
That woman blows my mind
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:
-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?
-Sure.
-It's pretty much worthless.
-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.
A man is looking for a parking space
Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.
"Never mind. I found one."
I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...
I had to put my foot down.
Turns out my psychologist is also a p**......
Totally blew my mind
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
At a f**...
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all," the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?
"Goodnight."
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the cashier "do you have extra large condoms".
the cashier says "yes, second aisle to the left. You wanna buy some?"
the woman says
"No, but would you mind if I wait here until someone else does"
Green chameleon for sale...
No, a red one.
No, blue.
No wait, a pink one.
Cool.
Never mind, I'm keeping it!
A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death
He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".
Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.
I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject
But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
"i used to be a Christian"
She said to her boyfriend, he replies "that's ok, I don't mind" relieved she says "oh that's great, I'm so much more comfortable being Christine"
A woman is sitting at a f**..., for her husband.
A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman replies "No, go ahead"
The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his t**... and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.
"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."
I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
I asked out a Russian girl.....
I asked out a Russian girl, not with anything very serious in mind. She said yes.
However, on our first date, she insisted that we went to see a Russian movie, and then eat at a Russian restaurant. She then took me to see her Russian family, and told me about how she was going to take me to see the rest of her family in Russia.
At this point, I had to stop her. "Please", I said, "just stop Russian things!"
A woman is sitting at her husband's f**... listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his t**....
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar
So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
Men's brains
My girlfriend told me that Men's brains are all in their p**.... I told her that I like it when she blows my mind.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.
Blew his mind.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot
Don't mind him. He's just a product of our times
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's f**.... A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his t**..., says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.
The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."
