Mind Jokes
169 mind jokes and hilarious mind puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mind that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mind Short Jokes
Short mind jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mind humour may include short mental jokes also.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- What's between an introvert and an extrovert? A wall.
(I know it wasn't funny, but it popped into my mind, and I thought it was decent enough) - First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is." - Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business. - Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
- A horse walks into a bar. Hey," says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, My friend, you read my mind!" - Inventor displays the first knife ever. His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind" - I went to a restaurant and they asked me "Do you mind waiting a bit?" "Not at all", I replied.
"Good", they said, while handing me some menus. "Take these to Table 11." - I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? , the manager asked. Not at all I replied. Good, take these drinks to table 9″
- What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind? "goodnight."
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Mind One Liners
Which mind one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mind? I can suggest the ones about mage and conscious.
- At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant then I changed her mind
- Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones? Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.
- I didn't plan on getting a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind.
- I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind
- What's one nickel minus one nickel? Wait never mind that makes no cents.
- Brain transplants will never be possible. Change my mind.
- I was going to sue my neurosurgeon. But he changed my mind.
- Great minds think alike... That's why we have so many opinions in America
- I just read John F Kennedy's biography The end was mind blowing
- What did 2 say to 3 about 6? Oh don't mind him, he's just the product of our times!
- 1 in 6 people... find Russian roulette mind blowing.
- What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.
- I just tried out the Samsung Gear-VR with my Note 7. It was mind-blowing.
- I bought my wife a book on Mindfulness... ... but she didn't appreciate the present.
- Have you heard the joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
Mind Thinking Jokes
Here is a list of funny mind thinking jokes and even better mind thinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces
- I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar... He was passing behind me and asked "Do you mind if I push in your stool?"
- My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
- My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer. Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
- Have you guys seen this new air freshener that works on mind control? It makes scents when you think about it.
- The government is reported to have invented a mind-control air freshener. It makes scents if you think about it.
- What did the orange say to the door? Mind if I squeeze in?
Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious. - My girl friend likes to FaceTime me when she's taking a pee. I don't think that's what Steve Jons had in mind when he was talking about live streaming.
- Amazon just released an oil defuser that works like Alexa but 100% controlled with your mind!! It makes scents when you think about it..
- What do I think about my toes? They couldn't be further from my mind.
Change My Mind Jokes
Here is a list of funny change my mind jokes and even better change my mind puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed... I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.
- My girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed. I told her, If you change your mind, call me. I'll come right away.
- .. my sister told me onions are the only vegetable that make you cry ...so I threw a pumpkin at her head. She soon changed her mind
- watching the US government deal with the Coronavirus is like watching the Ministry of Magic deal with Voldemort's return. change my mind.
- I heard they can do brain transplants now! I was all set to do it.... ...but my local doctor changed my mind.
- The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. But she has already changed her mind.
- People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future. Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.
- I just read a great joke about how women always change their mind nvm it's not that good.
- Did you hear about the brain surgeon who was thinking of performing a brain transplant on himself? He ended up having a change of mind.
- I always thought a brain transplant was far too risky. Then I changed my mind...
Changing Mind Jokes
Here is a list of funny changing mind jokes and even better changing mind puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think I can read minds because I always know a BMW is changing lanes before they use their blinker
- Someone once told me it's okay to change your mind in light of new facts. I told him I used to think that.
- A surgeon told me I was in grave need of a brain transplant. I refused, telling her she wouldn't change my mind.
- I changed my mind Wife: I changed my mind...
Husband: Does the new one work? - I went in to get a brain transplant.. ..thankfully the surgeon managed to change my mind.
- I went for a job as a History Teacher once. I changed my mind though. I couldn't see any future in it.
- With the bribery and corruption scandal surrounding the World Cup, I want to remind everyone that money can't change someone's mind. But I'm willing to try.
- I told my doctor I didn't want a brain surgery... But he changed my mind anyway.
- "I've changed my mind." "Thank God! Does it work better now?"
- Shortest conversation that led to a beat down Wife: I have changed my mind
Husband: Is it working now?
Change Your Mind Jokes
Here is a list of funny change your mind jokes and even better change your mind puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind.
- Bill: "Did you hear about Zack having a brain transplant?" John: "Yes, but didn't he change his mind in the end?"
- I walked into the pub and asked for a water... The barman said, "Still water?"
I said, "Yes mate, I haven't changed my mind". - At first people think i should be grateful when I say my wife made me a millionaire They change their minds when i tell them I was a billionaire before i got married.
- I thought about going to a psychic, but then I started having doubts and changed my mind At that moment I received a text message that said "Well, that's too bad"
- I need a brain transplant Change my mind.
- Music is very powerful, like that Kars 4 Kids commercial. Before I saw that commercial I wanted to donate a car to kids, but that song changed my mind.
- Tommy Wiseau was considering casting Dumbo as a lead actor He changed his mind because nobody would talk about the elephant in the room.
- I was bored with my life, and wanted to change something. I changed my mind.
- I used to put coins on my patients' heads, but my boss thought it was unethical. When he gave me his two cents on the subject, I changed my mind.
Humorous Mind Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about mind you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean subject jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mind pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you s**...? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you r**...?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had m**... to keep my mind off of the sweet little b**....
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an old couple was getting ready for bed...
...when the old lady throws off her robe, revealing the skimpy negligee that she was wearing, jumps on her husband and yells "SUPER s**...!".
The man takes one look at his wife and says, "Well if you don't mind, I would like the soup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An young Irish boy
A young Irish boy is stood crying at the side of the road. A man asks him What's wrong wid ya laddie? The boy says Me ma is dead . Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ? The boy replies No tanks mister, s**... is the last ting on my mind at the moment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Patriotism
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Army commando recruitment - from India
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?"
"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"
"No, that's okay."
"Great, take these salads to table six then."
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
Is it wrong to hate a certain race?
I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"
I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.
Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.
Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.
Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
Mess with someone's mind
Make your day more fun by going up
to a stranger and asking "Hey, how
have you been since the amnesia?"
My father died on 9/11, I will never forget his last words
Allahu Akbar.
[Do keep in mind that this is not my joke, I just want to spread laughs]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oh the memories
You can tell a woman that she is beautiful 1000 times and she will pay no mind to your comments. But tell her that she's fat, just one time, and she will never let you forget it.
Do you want to know why that is?
Because an elephant never forgets.
What do cows drink joke
Say each of the questions aloud and then answer the final question.
What color are polar bears?
What color is cotton?
What color are clouds normally on a sunny day?
What color are marshmallows?
So what do cows drink?
This will blow your mind!
If you take the pin out of a grenade and put your ear to the hole you can hear the faint sound of the world wide I.Q average increasing.
A guy sits down at the bar and orders a Martini with two olives...
bartender gives him the drink, he takes out the two olives, puts them aside on a napkin, drinks the martini, asks for another. By the fourth Martini with two olives, the bartender asks the man "I don't mind, but I gotta ask....why do you ask for a Martini with two olives, then take the two olives out of it?" the man replies "My wife sent me to the store for a jar of olives but the store was closed."
A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….
...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?
The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.
Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one c**...."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"
Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?
It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scotsman moves to London
How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps b**... his head on the wall.
Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.
Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was 6 afraid of 11?
Because 11 snaps people's necks with her mind.
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
A conversation with god about Trump
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye
h**... uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...
She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm n**...."
She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.
Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?" The other says, "I thought you were watching!"
It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to s**... on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
Two mind-readers bump into each other on the street...
The first one says to the second one: "You're fine, how am I?"
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their p**...
That woman blows my mind
A man is looking for a parking space
Everywhere he looks, it seems as if every single space has been taken. Though never much of a church goer, the man looks up to the sky and says, "God, if you give me a parking space, I promise I'll stop sinning and go to church." Suddenly, a parking space opens up right in front of him.
"Never mind. I found one."
I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...
I had to put my foot down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Turns out my psychologist is also a p**......
Totally blew my mind
Would you like the ability to read minds?
Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a f**...
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"
"Not at all," the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
Green chameleon for sale...
No, a red one.
No, blue.
No wait, a pink one.
Cool.
Never mind, I'm keeping it!
Saw a documentary on Russian roulette
It was mind blowing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject
But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So this lady is getting on the bus with her baby...
And as she gets on, the bus driver glances at her child, does a double take and says "Gaaaaahhhh!!"
Well, this disturbs the lady, but she sits down.
The passenger next to her sees that she's disturbed, and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver was VERY rude to me!"
The passenger says, "Well, you should go give him a piece of your mind! Let me hold your monkey for you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.
I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
I asked out a Russian girl.....
I asked out a Russian girl, not with anything very serious in mind. She said yes.
However, on our first date, she insisted that we went to see a Russian movie, and then eat at a Russian restaurant. She then took me to see her Russian family, and told me about how she was going to take me to see the rest of her family in Russia.
At this point, I had to stop her. "Please", I said, "just stop Russian things!"
Your mind is like Chrome
13 open tabs, 3 frozen. And you don't know where the music is coming from
My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure and paranoid.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
Roger decided he was in no shape to drive as he walked out of the bar
So he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman.
'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's brains
My girlfriend told me that Men's brains are all in their p**.... I told her that I like it when she blows my mind.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.
Blew his mind.
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wanna hear a joke about free healthcare?
Oh, your American? Never mind , you wouldn't get it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen
\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.
She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced p**..., but i want to let you know that i am a v**....
Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.
The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl goes to the pet store
She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.
Well sure sweetie! He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny did you have in mind?
So the little girl looks over the bunnies and then back to the pet store owner and replies, quite frankly mister I don't think my snake gives a d**....
