Min Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

A man calls in sick for work...

He tells his boss he can't come in because of an awful headache.

The boss says to him, "I can't let you have today off. You need to come in. You know what I do when I have a headache? I grab my wife, throw her on the bed, and have sex with her, no questions asked. Do that, feel better, and get your butt to work."

The employee calls back 30 min later and says, "you were right! I feel much better. Nice house btw..."

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!

Sry for bad english

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

I've been a lurker for a while now and haven't heard this one told before.

So a college student needs a part time job, so he goes looking in the newspaper. It can't be just any job, it needs to be unique and fun.

After a good 15 min scouring the classified ad's he comes upon an ad that says "HELP NEEDED, PART TIME GORILLA CATCHER". He's instantly sold and calls the man up.

The man over the phone says that it's not steady work but the student has the job.

A couple weeks goes by and the students phone rings. His now boss says to meet him at a particular address in 20 min, A gorilla escaped form the zoo and that we're gonna catch it.

The student shows up at the spot and his boss is waiting by his pickup truck. he also notices a 300 pound gorilla in a tree. The boss lowers the tail on his truck and motions for the student to come closer. Inside the truck is a mean looking pit bull, a baseball bat, and a shotgun.

"ok heres how its going to go down, Im going to climb the tree and knock the gorilla down to the ground, at which point the dog is trained to bit him in the balls. Then you come up and hit the gorilla with the bat."

The boy thinks he understands then asks " Well, whats the shotgun for?" The boss says "in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, YOU SHOOT THAT FUCKING DOG"


Dying request

Captain of a big passenger jet comes over the loud speaker and says, "We are going down, we have 5 min to live and there is nothing we can do."
Everyone on the plane is in utter disbelief so much that no one speaks, but one lady in economy class stands up and yells, "I want someone to make me feel like a woman, a real woman!"
A posh good looking gent from first class stands up. He has cuff links and could be on the cover of GQ. He begins to unbutton his shit as he walks to the back of the plane where the lady is standing.
He has finally reached this lady who is undoubtable pleased with her last minute decision to announce her dying request, the man is beautiful.
The handsome man says, "Iron my shirt"

A man is having a walk in a park and sees a woman from behind.

The woman has a miraculous booty.

So the man decides to follow the woman just so he can look more on her fine ass.

After 20 min the woman notices the man and turns around.

"Why are you following me", she asks the man.

The man looks at her and replies: "Now that i see your face i have no idea..."

Alligator and genitals

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and says I will bet anybody that I can put my genitals into his mouth for 1 minute and take them out unharmed. Everybody put money into this and after 1 min he smashes a beer bottle on the alligators head and pulls his genitals out unharmed and offers anybody else a try. A woman puts up her hand and says "ill give it a try, but you gave to promise not to hit me on the head with a bottle."

Janitor standin at the confession box

Father Paul had had a rather long day, listening to confessions from the members of his parish, and suddenly needed a break, and stepped out from the confession box and asked the janitor who was washing the floor.

"Hey Carl, could you make a standin for me, just ten min, I really need to go to the toilet, Sister Olga is coming there to make her confession, just tell her to say three Ave Marias and that should cover it"

"Sure thing, can't be that difficult" He says and enters the confession box, as the priest hurries away to make his errands.

Sister Olga enters the confessionary.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned"

"What sins have you commited my child?"

"I gave a man a blowjob"

At this the Janitor thinks, *three ave marias for a blowjob? that's getting off lightly* and sticks his head outside the confessionary, and notices one of the choirboys walking past.
"hey kid psst, come here... what do you think the Padre would give for a blowjob?"

"One Snickers and a Pepsi Max"

The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator

The bar tender says "sir you cant have that here! it will bite one of my customers and i'll get sued"
The man replied " Its quite the tame alligator- watch"
He places the alligator on the counter, unzips his pants, and places his package in the open gators' mouth and leaves it there for about 5 min. After that time he puts his package away and says "see? Anyone else wanna give it a try?"

A drunk man at the end of the bar spoke " I'll give it a try- but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long"

A boy asks his dad for a drink of water...

After being put to bed a boy calls to his father from his room, "Dad, will you bring me a glass of water?"

The father was already in bed himself so he answered that the boy would be fine and he should go back to bed.

There was about a 5 minute pause and then the boy called out again asking for water.

The father replied in the same way.

After another 5 min the boy called out again with the same request.

The father, getting annoyed, replied back, " No, you're fine. Go to sleep and if you ask again I'm going to come in there and spank you."

There was about a 10 minute pause this time before the boy called out again, "Dad, when you come in here to spank me will you bring me a glass of water?"

Little Girl Answers the Phone

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number

A good deal...

Guy 1: I wish my wife stops talking for at least a few min.

Guy 2: I gifted my wife a diamond necklace and she didn't speak to be for 6 months.

Guy 1: What? How? Was it fake?

Guy 2: No. That was our deal !

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

Kid comes home from school...

Kid asks his dad:
What is a cunt?


Dad:
Go to the bedroom, your mother is asleep, lift the sheets, look between her legs and come back and tell me what you saw.


5 min later, kid comes back:
I saw something hairy, wet, with folds of skin. Is that the cunt?


Dad:
No, that's a vagina, everything else is the cunt.

Shortcut through a graveyard.

There was a man walking home from a bar late one night. As usual he took a shortcut through a graveyard. Since it was especially foggy that night he didn't see a freshly dug grave and fell headlong into the pit. He tried for over 20 min to climb out but couldn't manage to escape. As he sat there pondering his options he was startled when someone else, apparently also using the same shortcut, fell in the grave. He sat unnoticed in the corner and watched the man try to climb out. Hoping to save the man some trouble he said "you're not gonna be able to get out". He was wrong.

An Eskimo brings his SUV into the shop for repairs.

Mechanic says, "Let me take a look. I'll be with you in a few min." The Eskimo notices they have an ice cream parlor next door, so he heads over while he waits. When he returns to the auto shop, the mechanic stops him and says, "Well... You need a fan belt and it looks like you blew a seal." The Eskimo replies, "Nope. It's just ice cream."

A really bad joke a friend told me (sorry in advance)

A state trooper is driving on a highway. Suddenly, as he drives behind a civilian car, the car starts increasing its speed. The trooper starts to follow the car, suspecting something is up. The car keeps increasing the speed, going up to almost 140mph. After about 10 min chase the driver finally gives up and pulls over.

The state trooper, now extremely pissed off, goes to the driver and says: "if you can give me ONE good reason why you were driving so fast, I'll let you go!"

"Well," the drive says "2 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper... I thought you were bringing her back!"

A cowboy rides up to the bar..

and hitches his horse to the post, walks behind the horse, lifts its tail, and kisses its ass. The bartender notices but doesn't want to cause any trouble so just ignores it. The cowboy comes in and orders a drink, every 20 min the cowboy gets up, walks outside and lifts the horses tail, and kisses its ass.

After a few more times the bartender can't take it any more and asks him "Hey cowboy I have to ask, why do you keep kissin' your horses ass?"

Cowboy: "Well, I have chapped lips"

Bartender: "So are ya' sayin' that will cure chapped lips?"

Cowboy: "Nope ... but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

Asked my co-worker if saw the big news report...

He said which one, The Mac 'n Cheetos announcement or the UK doing something?


True story, from 3 min ago... 'Murica

The bus journey

A man is going on a holiday. He is sitting in front of two old ladies who are talking away. He gets offered some raisins by one of them and she hands him a handful of raisins to which he eats up. 10 min later he gets offered the same again. This goes on for the next hour. He starts getting confused as to why they are doing this so he turns round and asks why you offering me so many of your raisins? They both say oh son we don't like them to which he replies why buy them then?
Simple, we both enjoy sucking the chocolate off of them

Tom was famous with his amazing drawing skills.

One day he drew a $100 bill on the desk of his teacher. Once the lady entered to the class immediately noticed that and started tearing it. After 10 min she ended up breaking her acrylic nails.

"Tom, get the hell outta here! I need your father right away" yelled the teacher.

30 min later the father came and asked "What's wrong, ma'am?". She told him the story and he answered ironically "you're so lucky. Thanks God that I'm still alive, one time he drew his mother's cunt on the electrical outlet"

When your wife tells you she'll be ready in 5 min..

She'll be ready in 5 min.

There is no need to keep reminding her every fucking 15 min.!!

Why are hours gay?

Cause they have lots of secs with lots of min.

The "Add Min" button on my microwave...

...makes me feel unduly powerful.

A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper...

On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies.

The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough", jumps and lands safely in the pool.

The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error.

(Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)

Did you know every 1 min in Africa

60 seconds pass by

Miss Canada

What do you give the recent Miss Canada who is "competing" in the Miss Universe pagent?

Either the key to the city because she's a damn super hero or a 5 min major for excessive "high sticking"

Got 2 job offers in 5 min

Santa went to US.

Call girl - wanna blowjob?

Santa - No.

Call girl - handjob?

Santa - No.

Santa calls back home - US is fine, no recession, got 2 job offers in 5 mins :P

What are the funniest min jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Min? Well, here are the best Min puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Min pick up lines to share with friends.

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