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Million Jokes

177 million jokes and hilarious million puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about million that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for a million laughs? Look no further! This article has approximately one hundred million dollar jokes that are guaranteed to make you smile. With an array of mega million and multibillion puns, you won't be disappointed!

Funniest Million Short Jokes

Short million jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The million humour may include short mile jokes also.

  1. COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
  2. My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it post office
  3. When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
  4. If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. ...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
  5. Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million... Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!
  6. Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
  7. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
  8. What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election.
  9. Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman But I spent $534 million less than hillary clinton to not become President.
  10. Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

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Million One Liners

Which million one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with million? I can suggest the ones about billion and mega.

  1. r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers! It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
  2. The sun doesn't need to go to college Because it already has 28 million degrees.
  3. How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing? Start with ten million.
  4. $2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day All eight books were recovered.
  5. I really love 50 Cent... ...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.
  6. "You look like a million bucks", said bill gates disappointedly to his wife.
  7. God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.
  8. How to have $1 Million worth of Crypto Currencies Start off with $2 Million
  9. They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to 6 million Jews
  10. Fidget spinners are useless Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.
  11. Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools It gave me 20 million matches.
  12. When I die I want my last words to be, " I left a million dollars under the..."
  13. Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.
  14. A fish walks into a bar It took him 395 million years.
  15. What does a sick billionaire say? "I feel like a million bucks"

Million Dollars Jokes

Here is a list of funny million dollars jokes and even better million dollars puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • "You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled. "I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."
  • If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity. Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
  • If I won the Mega Millions valued at 750 million today, I would donate a quarter to charity. Not sure what I would do with the other 749,999,999.75 dollars though.
  • Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore? So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.
  • I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run
  • I once was asked to star in a movie for a million dollars but I declined. I don't have that much money.
  • What happened when a hurricane hit Alabama? It caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements.
  • If I had a million dollars for every time I lost money... I'd have $43.
  • Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man? It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.
  • I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."... I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."
    "Don't you mean dollars?" she replied.
    "I know what I mean," I said.

Mega Million Jokes

Here is a list of funny mega million jokes and even better mega million puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Really, nobody in America won last night. The Mega Millions jackpot went up to $63 million.
  • "Mega-" is a prefix meaning "million".... ...and "micro" is a prefix meaning "millionth".
    So, a megaphone would be one trillion microphones.
  • I won $4 during the Mega Millions lottery today Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.
  • Whoever wins the Mega Millions Jackpot.... … touched me inappropriately 30 years ago.
  • For today only, the Mega Millions should change it's name to... Make-a-Billion
  • A local homeless man won the Mega Millions lottery today. Charles Darwin is said to be on s**... watch.
Million joke, A local homeless man won the Mega Millions lottery today.

Million Dollar Jokes

Here is a list of funny million dollar jokes and even better million dollar puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got a hair cut for $10 At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.
  • What's 50 Cents name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars
  • I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"
  • My friend asked me what I'd choose, a night with any lady of my liking or a million dollars I said a million dollars because then I could have more than one night with the lady
  • A gambler hits the jackpot *What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?* - asks his wife.
    "31 black"
  • A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever. I can't tell you how happy I am.
  • Did you hear about the man who became a millionaire with one homing pigeon? He sold it for a dollar and it came home a million times.
  • I hear there's a huge 50 Cent fanbase in Zimbabwe... Or as they call him there, 400 Million Dollars.
  • "Suzy, I won the lottery! 4 million dollars! Pack your suitcase!" \-"Do I need to pack winter or summer clothes?"
    "I don't care. Just leave."
  • I just won a million dollars and I donated a quarter to charity! I now have $999999.75 left.
Million joke, I just won a million dollars and I donated a quarter to charity!

Silly Million Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about million you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean multi jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make million pranks.

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

A man is praying to God...

He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing!", God replies.
"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"
God replies, "Yes, that is true."
The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"
"Yes."
"In that case, can I have a penny?"
"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

Everyone thinks..

Everyone thinks Jesus is soooo good, feeding an army with 3 loaves of bread and a fish.
h**...'s not such a bad guy, he made 6 million jews toast.

One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.

Man: "Hey God, isn't 1 million years like a second to you?"
God: "Hm, that's pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me"
Man: "Then 1 million dollars would be like... a penny to you, wouldn't it?"
God: "Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me."
Man: "Then, can I have 1 million dollars?"
God: "Sure. Just a sec."

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."
"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."
The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."
And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

h**... and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and h**... tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.
one of the two people hear this and asks h**... "Why kill the mechanic?"
h**... turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. h**... says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. h**... says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. h**... turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

Why can't t-rexs do push ups?

Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.

The dinosaur at the museum

A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.
Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:
- Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?
- It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.
Amazed by his answer, he says:
- Wow!, How can you be so precise about it?
- Well, when I first started working here, they told me it was 65 million years old... and that was 4 months and 13 days ago.

A man walks up to a g**... the street

He asks her "would you have s**... with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have s**... with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."

If I won a million dollars I'd pay your mother to have s**... with me...

Then I'd invest the other $999,990.

What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children

A Swallocaust. I'm not proud of myself.

Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about h**...? He made 6 million jews toast.

A boy wants to know the difference between hypothetically and realistically

His father says, "Go ask your mother and sister if they would have s**... with somebody for a million dollars."
The boy returns and tells his father they both said yes.
"Well son hypothetically we're sitting on two million dollars, realistically we're living with a couple of w**...."

Mars and NASA

Mars: Come over
NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away
Mars: I'm wet
NASA: I'm coming over

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

A man who passes away leaves $125 million to help the visually impaired.

They never found it.

A: Whats's worse than a worm in the apple?

B: The Holocaust.
A: What's worse than the Holocaust?
B: 5 Million Jews.

How do you walk out of a Casino with $1 Million?

Walk in with $2 Million.

Johny the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest p**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's p**...."

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

How many n**... does it take to screw in 6 million lightbulbs?

One. The rest were just following orders.

It may not be "politically correct" to say this...

...but there are over one million U.S Senators.

A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."

A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:
"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"
"Half a million within two days."
"And if we invade with a million troops?"
"We shoot twice and go home."

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

People think Jesus was so great...

But all he did was give fish to a thousand people.
 
You forget that h**... made 6 million people toast.

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."

A man asks a woman if she would have s**... with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"
The man then asks "Would you have s**... with me for one dollar?"
"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies
"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"

Politicians are like s**.....

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

An old h**... joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted h**...'s spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what h**... had to say.
"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".
"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.
"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."
"Why the two dogs?"
"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.

Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation.

Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."

Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."

Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.

h**... made 6 million Jews toast.

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.

This gives me hope for the next generation.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

What do attorneys and s**... have in common?

1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being

A man with six kids is always happier than a man with $6 million

The man with $6 million always wants more.

Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in first week.

"Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

h**... was talking to one of his generals,

h**...: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.
General: Why the 5 clowns?
h**...: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!

A million or more lab rats die each year and my fiance screams at me for running over a mouse.

That's the last time we're going to Disney.

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

A guy is visiting a museum of natural history.

He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.
"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.
"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"

I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.

A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees h**... and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
h**... says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
h**... turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.

Why is h**... a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while h**... made 6 million Jews toast

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

Million joke, A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually

jokes about million