Million Jokes

What are some Million jokes?

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

If I won 298 million, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.

...I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

I'm a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 millions years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

The Sun doesn't need to go to college

Because it already has 28 million degrees.

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

Politicians are like sperm..

one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"

The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.

I really love 50 Cent...

...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

Mars and NASA

Mars: Come over

NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away

Mars: I'm wet

NASA: I'm coming over

Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in first week.

"Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

"You look like a million bucks",

said Bill Gates disappointedly to his wife.

God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.

The answer is no.

How to have $1 Million worth of Crypto Currencies

Start off with $2 Million

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"

The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"

"NO! what do you think I am?!" she replies

"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags

He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"

The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

A man with six kids is always happier than a man with $6 million

The man with $6 million always wants more.

A man walks up to a girl on the street

He asks her "would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"

The man asks "would you have sex with me for free?"

The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?

The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools

It gave me 20 million matches.

Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.

After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.


He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"


The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

A guy is visiting a museum of natural history.

He's examining some fossils when he asks a curator how old they are.

"Those fossils are 65 million years and six months old." The curator says. The man asks the curator how he can know the age of the fossils so precisely.

"Because they were 65 million years old when I started here six months ago."

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

A million or more lab rats die each year and my fiance screams at me for running over a mouse.

That's the last time we're going to Disney.

"You said you had between ten and fifteen million dollars in the bank," she yelled.

"I didn't lie," I replied, "I've got exactly $23."

Why is hitler a better person than Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while hitler made 6 million Jews toast

Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.

Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

What do attorneys and sperm have in common?

1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being

A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:

"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"

"Half a million within two days."

"And if we invade with a million troops?"

"We shoot twice and go home."

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:

- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

The woman giggles.

- Of course I would!

- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?

The woman looks disgusted.

- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?

- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.

A boy wants to know the difference between hypothetically and realistically

His father says, "Go ask your mother and sister if they would have sex with somebody for a million dollars."

The boy returns and tells his father they both said yes.

"Well son hypothetically we're sitting on two million dollars, realistically we're living with a couple of whores."

A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 10 million.

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 100 million.

The Pope said, "You have a deal!"

The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.

The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."

The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."

The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department...

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

A man is praying to God...

He says, "Lord? May I ask you a question?"

"Sure thing!", God replies.

"Well," the man begins, "Is it true that a million years is just a second to you?"

God replies, "Yes, that is true."

The man then asks, "And is it true that a million dollars is only a penny to you?"

"Yes."

"In that case, can I have a penny?"

"Sure," God answers, "Just give me a second."

Christians always go on about the time Jesus fed five thousand people with five loaves and two fishes...

What about Hitler? He made 6 million jews toast.

My priest told a joke during his homily today.

A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"

God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."

"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."

"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.

When I die

I want my last words to be, " I left a million dollars under the..."

A man who passes away leaves $125 million to help the visually impaired.

They never found it.

How to make Million jokes?

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