milking Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious milking puns

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

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My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.

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A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and out the udder!"

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So a biologist, engineer and physicist are called to help make a dairy farm more efficient...

The biologist tells the farmer that he should feed the cows certain hormones to make it lactate more. The farmer asked how much it'll cost and the biologist says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The engineer proposes to make a better milking machine to get more milk per cow. The farmer asks how much it'll cost and the engineer says it'll cost many thousands of dollars. The farmer then asks the physicist how much his idea will cost. The physicist say "It'll cost nothing and can be implemented immediately!" The farmer was astonished and ask how this is possible. The physicist responds, "Now assume a spherical cow....."

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What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.

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Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks away and won't let the bull get near her. The owners watch as the bulls repeated attempts are met with a cold response.

The bull's owner leans over to the cow's owner and asks,"Did you get your cow from Ft. Worth?"
The cow's owner, astonished, replies, "Yea, I did! How did you guess?"

"My wife is from Ft. Worth."

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How to milk a cow

"I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters.

"Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya."

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What does Activision and a Dairy worker have in common?

They both love milking.

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Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife ever had. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the suppliers

Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile..

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected ten litres. Have a nice day."

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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic ! !

He really had a good time because the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.

He read the manual but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or softer, but still without success.

Panicking, he called the supplier ' s Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It's fantastic. But how can I take it off the cow's udder?"

Customer Service replied, "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about two gallons of milk. "

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It was all a big misunderstanding..

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

οΏΌFarmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"

Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

Man: "OK, but that's not so bad."

Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: " So what happened then? "

Farmer: " I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left . "

Man: "Again?"

Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So, what did you do then?"

Farmer: " I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. "

Man: "And then?"

Man: "And then?"

Farmer: "Well, 1 sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

Man: "Hmmm..."

Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So, what did you do?"

Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. "

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The road was wet, the moon was high, we were alone, just her and I. The moon was bright, her eyes were too, I knew just what she wanted to do.. So with my courage, I did my best, and placed my hand, upon her breast. I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how..

It was my first time ever, milking a cow.

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In 1944 a man stops to ask a local German farmer for directions.

After receiving directions the man continues on his way and the farmer goes back to milking his cows. About 45 minutes later the man returns to the farmers property, furious he shouts "What the hell kind of directions were those! I was nearly shot by some soldiers trying to go down the road you sent me on!" The farmer looks at the man and says, I told you to make sure you turn before you get to the Third Reich.



I would like to take the time to state that I actually made this one up. Proud of it.

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I can't decide what to buy for my farm?

Farmer Giles: I can't decide whether to buy a cow or a bicycle for my farm?

Farmer Miles: You'd look pretty silly riding a cow.

Farmer Giles: I'd look even sillier milking a bicycle!

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Cow milking is an incredibly low-skilled job.

Any jerk can do it.

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I'm sick of these people milking the EA conflict for karma!

I hope it at least gives them a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.

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The road was wet, the moon was high.

We were alone, just her and I.

The starts were bright, her eyes were too.

I knew just what she wanted to do.

So with my courage, I did my best,

and I laid my hand upon her breast.

I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how.

Because it was my first time ever,

milking a cow.

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My wife has to pump breast milk multiple times a day and she's always complaining about it.

I think she's just milking it.

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If a farmer keeps telling the same joke over and over again to a cow

Would you say he's milking it?

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New guy at work is getting all the attention because of his third nipple...

He wont stop milking it!

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How does a farmer count his cows?

With a COWculator...

But, what if they all have babies?

Then he MOOtiplies them!

Man, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth...

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The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day

He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation

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Pedro competes in a milking contest

Pedro was the champion milker in all the towns. No one could milk as much as him. He had won all the annual milking competitions for miles around.

This year also people expect Pedro to win. Frankly, there is more debate about the second and third places!

After the contest everyone is dumbfounded! Pedro has milked only 2 liters!

Everyone keeps asking Pedro how it could be?

Incandescent with rage Pedro manages to say, "bloody bastards! They gave me a bull!!"

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What do you call a gay man milking a cow?

A Dairy Queen.

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I started a project to hire people with depression on my dairy farm...

if there's one thing they're good at its milking it.

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I have a coworker just back off maternity leave who takes extra long breaks to pump her breasts..

She is really milking it.

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What's another name for milking a cow?

Beef Jerky.

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You hear the one about the cow that told too many jokes?

They say he was milking it.

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A buddy of mine called and asked what I was up to, I told him "Chopping wood and milking my cows..."

"...then later I'm gonna chop the cows and milk my wood."

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Did you hear the latest United Airlines joke? Passengers thought it was hilarious.

Had em rolling in the aisles

Yep, still milking it....

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I'm writing a song about milking a cow.

It's all quarter notes.

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My girlfriend asked me "How awesome is Ed Sheeran?"

I said "He's OK - but I think he is better at milking cows."

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The guy who discovered milk.

What was he doing when he discovered milk, and why was he milking the cow?

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What are the most funny Milking jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Milking? Well, here are the best Milking dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Milking pick up lines to share with friends.

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