Milking Cow Jokes

140 milking cow jokes and hilarious milking cow puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about milking cow that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Milking Cow Short Jokes

Short milking cow jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The milking cow humour may include short milking jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between Jesus' crucifixion and a cow? You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.
  2. American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
    Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"
  3. What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy? You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
  4. When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
  5. What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
  6. I'm just milking it now. Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
    It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
  7. My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior. He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.
  8. What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
  9. Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.
    It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
  10. A teacher asks her student Teacher: What does a Bee gives us?
    Student: Honey
    Teacher: What does a cow gives us?
    Student: Milk
    Teacher: What does a fat pig gives us?
    Student: Homework

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Milking Cow One Liners

Which milking cow one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with milking cow? I can suggest the ones about cow milked and dairy cow.

  1. What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Can't milk a cow for 21 years.
  2. Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
  3. What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.
  4. What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk? Cacao
  5. What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? A milk shake
  6. What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk? None. There is udder silence.
  7. What do you call a cow that can't produce milk? An udder failure.
  8. What do you call a cow that can't moo? A milk dud
    Credit to my 5 year old nephew
  9. What do you get from an overly pampered cow? Spoiled milk
  10. What do you call a cow which can no longer produce milk? An udder failure.
  11. How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
  12. Why do cows make terrible accordion players? Because they always milk the notes.
  13. If a cow doesn't produce milk... Is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
  14. Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? The cow's got the udder.
  15. What kind of milk do you get from footless cows? Lack-toes!

Hilarious Fun Milking Cow Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about milking cow you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean milked jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make milking cow pranks.

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You'll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

The homeless man and the farmer

A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"

I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy savile.

When I was 9, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

Irish cream

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "

A man is very thirsty...

A man is very thirsty. As he is stumbling down the country road he sees a cow grazing in front of a cottage. "I'm saved!", he says to himself as he milks the cow and quenches his thirst.
The man knocks on the door to pay for the milk. "Your cow's milk saved me," he says. The home owner replies, "Cow? I don't own a cow, I just have a bull."

When a cow laughs.....

does milk come out of her nose?

Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.

A series of cow jokes

Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody

3 paddys are out for dinner

English p**... tells his wife "pass the sugar, sugar"
Scottish p**... asks his wife "pass the honey, honey"
Irish p**... says "pass me the milk

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

Udderly useless.

What do you call an Arab who has many cows?

milk sheikh

A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and out the udder!"

The road was wet, the moon was high, we were alone, just her and I. The moon was bright, her eyes were too, I knew just what she wanted to do.. So with my courage, I did my best, and placed my hand, upon her breast. I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how..

It was my first time ever, milking a cow.

Which cow is the hardest to milk?

The one with only one udder.

What do you call an Arab who owns 5,000 cows

A Milk Sheikh.

What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk?

A mootation

How does a physicist milk a cow?

First, he assumes the cow is a sphere.

What's the difference between Nine-Eleven and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 14 years straight.
Be gentle... it's my cake day :-)

What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?

A milk dud.

What did the farmer say when he tried to milk the cow, but nothing came out?

"Time to try the udder one."

What do 9/11 and an old cow have in common?

They've both been milked for 14 years.

Jimmy's First Cow

One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

Where does almond and cashew milk come from?

Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.

I tried crossbreeding my cows.

I was attempting to create a new type of milk that was super sweet.
Instead, none of the cows would even produce milk. It was a complete and udder failure.

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn't try milking it.

I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.

If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.

How did the cow feel when it couldn't produce milk?

Udderly useless.

What's the difference between a cow and Super Mario Bros?

A cow can't be milked for over 30 years

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It's also mine.

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"

What is it called when a cow is unwillingly milked?


Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths?

It's legen-dairy

How does a farmer count his cows?

With a COWculator...
But, what if they all have babies?
Then he MOOtiplies them!
Man, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth...

Where do Russians get their milk?


What's the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can't milk a cow for two thousand years...

New Deal joke my grandfather told me

Everyone has 2 cows.
The Socialist keeps 1 and gives 1 to his neighbour.
The Communist gives both cows to the government who gives back some of the milk.
The Fascist keep the cows but gives the milk to the government, who then sells some of it back.
The New Dealist shoots both the cows and milks the government.

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

Udder disappointment.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?

The cow fell on her.

My cow stopped giving milk.

What an udder disappointment.

What do you call it when a cow get's milked without consent?


There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Apparently there's a support group for cows who have trouble producing milk.

The cows go, talk about their feelings and build each udder up.

What do you call milk that comes from cows with their eyes closed?

Concentrated milk

After i milked my cow, i made sure i moved the bucket across my face.

They said it was unsafe until it was past your eyes.

Did you hear about the fly that entered a cow's ear and ended up in milk pail the next morning?

It went into one ear and out the udder.

I can't decide what to buy for my farm?

Farmer Giles: I can't decide whether to buy a cow or a bicycle for my farm?
Farmer Miles: You'd look pretty silly riding a cow.
Farmer Giles: I'd look even sillier milking a bicycle!

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Milk shake.

The first guy who found out how to milk a cow...

What exactly was he trying to do?

You ever heard of the brown cow that gives chocolate milk?

It's udder b**....

What do you get when you milk a Christian cow?

Pastor-rized milk.

Did you know that bathing in cows' milk is good for your legs?

After all, it was originally made for calves.

Hilarious cow jokes

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
- tri-tip
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
- lean beef
What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
- steak
What do you call a cow with no legs?
- ground beef
What do you call a cow who works out?
- shredded beef
What do you call a m**... cow?
- beef stroganoff
Why does the milk stool only have three legs?
- because the cow has the udder

If a farmer keeps telling the same joke over and over again to a cow

Would you say he's milking it?

So if a cow doesn't produce milk...

Is it considered a milk dud or a udder failure

When a cow doesnt produce milk...

is that an udder failure ?

Two of the cows on our farm will not produce milk

We called the one Milk Dud and the other an Udder Failure

A cow walks into a milk bar.

and no one uddered a word

What is the difference between the War on Drugs and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 50 years. (Nixon declared it in 1971)

A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife

He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow
She reaches down between his legs and says yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand .

As a kid, I was scared of cows

I was moortified.
That was a little cheesy.
Well I milked this one out as long as I cud.

You know the worst thing about working on a farm?

Milking the cows is udderly exhausting.

I'd post a joke about a Cow but...

I'm sure you guys would Milk it in the comments.

One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself.

When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."

jokes about milking cow