Milk Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.

Now it's your turn to speak.

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

What's the fastest liquid on Earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest

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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles.
Quart of milk.
Half a dozen eggs.
A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"

I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, what gave it away?"

"Because you're fucking ugly."

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

Dad joke.....

Dad: what are you drinking, son?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.

He replies, They had avocados.

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"

Me: *lifts gallon*

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

What are you drinking there, son?

Son: soy milk

Dad: hola milk, soy tu padre

My brother just threw a milk carton at me

How dairy.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

Jesus is at the last supper with his disciples,

And at the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck right off."

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

A carton of milk and eggs

My wife said: "Please go to the store and buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six."
I came back with 6 cartons of milk She said, "why in the hell did you buy six cartons of milk"

"They had eggs"

What do you call a cow that gives no milk?

An udder failure.

Spanish Dad Joke

Dad: Son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

You can't milk a cow for 14 years...

I'm going to hell.

A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

Dad joke

**Dad:** Whaddya got there son?

**Son:** Soy milk.

**Dad:** Hola milk, soy tu padre

My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

A man threw milk at me today

How fucking dairy

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...

A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery

She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."

The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.

A woman gets a call from kidnappers.

"We have your son," said the kidnapper.

"I don't have a son," says the woman.

"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"

"Oh, God you have my husband!"

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao

-What are you drinking, son?

-Soy milk.

-Hola milk, soy tu padre.

Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?

Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

A woman is checking out at the grocer ...

She places 1 whole frozen chicken, 1 gallon of whole milk, and 1 dozen eggs onto the check-out counter.

The clerk looks over her items and says: "Chicken, milk, and eggs ... I bet you're single, ma'am."

"That's amazing!" says the woman. "How could you tell that just from my groceries?"

The clerk responds, "Well, you're fucking ugly."

A programmer tells his wife, I'm going to the store.

The wife says, While you're there, buy some milk.

He never came back.

A woman says to her engineer husband...

"Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

A woman is out buying groceries...

She buys one apple, one banana, one small milk, a frozen meal for one and one cup of instant noodles. The cashier looks at her and says "So, I suppose you're single?" The woman looks away, blushing, and answers "Yes I am. How did you know?" The cashier replies "Because you are fucking ugly."

If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class

I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.


Later I found out I'm just dumb.

What do you call a cow with Parkinson's?

A milk shake

Why does the stool you sit on to milk a cow only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder...

A man threw a milk bottle at me today

How dairy

Milk is the fastest liquid

It's pasteurized before you've even seen it

Two friends were talking

And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

'I had sex with my teacher.'

'But I thought you were homeschooled...'

'Yeah...'

So I've been puting Viagra in my milk.

It doesn't help with the sex, but my Oreos don't go all soft anymore.

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...

She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

A man told his wife he was going to the supermarket.

Man: I'm going to get get a carton of milk.

Wife: Okay, if you see bananas, get 6.

The man comes home with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife: What the hell!!! Why did you bring 6 cartons of milk!

Man: I saw bananas at the supermarket.

At the last supper,

Jesus took bread in his hands and said, "This is my body. Eat this in remembrance of me."

Next, Jesus took up a cup of wine. He said, "This is my blood. Drink this in remembrance of me."

Finally, Jesus lifted up a jug of milk and said, "This is my-"

"You can go fuck yourself" said Peter.

Problem about being in IT. You go by requirements and logic.

Husband is a programmer.


Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk.
If they have bananas, bring 6.


He came back with 6 bottles of milk.


Wife: Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?!


Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS.

He still doesn't understand why his wife yelled at him since he did exactly as she told him.

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"

A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese

How dairy

I like my women how I like my milk...

Rich, white, and 2% fat

What is the fastest thing in the world?

Milk.

Because it's pasteurised before you see it.

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.

He hasn't come back.

This guy just threw milk on me!

How dairy....

My mom asked me to go to the market

"Honey, please go to the market and buy 1 bottle of milk. If they have eggs, bring 6."

I came back with 6 bottles of milk.

She said: "Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"

I said: "Because they had eggs."

What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

A man is talking to a sperm bank employee.

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."

Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"

Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."

Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."

Man: "What?"

Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

Father is talking with his son

DAD: Whaddya got there, son?
SON: Soy milk.
DAD: Hola milk, soy tu padre.

A guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

You know Santa came when..

There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.

Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:

"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

So one night, the farmer gets drunk.

He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

What bee produces milk?

A boo-bee

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip (NSFW)

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"

The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?

A programmer is going to the grocery store...

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

How do you milk a sheep?

Release another iPhone for $1000.



-Credit to my buddy at work

A boob, a vagina and an asshole walk into a bar...

A boob, a vagina and an asshole walk into a bar and they start debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!

Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"

Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down?
It's your turn to speak.

Why is milk the fastest liquid on the Planet?

It's PASTEURISED before you even see it!

Where's Russian milk coming from?

Moscows

Reload

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.


"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"


The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

My 7 year old daughter drops this joke on me.

What kind of bee's make milk?


Boo-bee's

Dammit Dad

Dad: "Whaddya got there, son?"

Son: "Soy milk."

Dad: -pauses- "Hola milk, soy tu padre."

What are the funniest milk jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Milk? Well, here are the best Milk puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Milk pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes