Milk Jokes
182 milk jokes and hilarious milk puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about milk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh until the cows come home with hilarious milk jokes that will make you scream "Legendairy"! From playful puns to clever quips about chocolate milk and cacao, these jokes are sure to have your dairy-loving friends rolling on the floor.
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Funniest Milk Short Jokes
Short milk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The milk humour may include short dairy jokes also.
- Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
- My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues... Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.
- What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
- Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weigh the same there too" - Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in the universe? Before you see it, it's already pasteurized
- why elon musk is A true Edison of our time ? Because He found a way to milk Nicolai after he has been long in the grave, too
- What's the difference between Jesus' crucifixion and a cow? You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.
- A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
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Milk One Liners
Which milk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with milk? I can suggest the ones about yogurt and latte.
- How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.
- What's the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
- What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Can't milk a cow for 21 years.
- Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre - Women have eggs and milk in them... And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.
- Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
- How can you milk a sheep? Release a new iPhone.
- Father: Hey son what are you drinking? Son: Soy-milk
Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre - My brother just threw a milk carton at me How dairy.
- What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.
- How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
- How do you milk sheep? Release new iPhone with less accessories
- What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk? Cacao
- What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? A milk shake
- What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk? None. There is udder silence.
Cow Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny cow milk jokes and even better cow milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow" - What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy? You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
- When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
- What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
- I'm just milking it now. Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder. - My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior. He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.
- What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? ...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
- What do you call a cow that can't produce milk? An udder failure.
- Cows are amazing Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder. - What do you call a cow that can't moo? A milk dud
Credit to my 5 year old nephew
Dairy Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny dairy milk jokes and even better dairy milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man threw a milk bottle at me today How dairy
- A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese How dairy
- This guy just threw milk on me! How dairy....
- How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English? Dairy practice.
- Some guy stole all the milk out of my fridge today How dairy
- How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
- I walked out my house this morning... And a man threw milk and cheese at me.
I thought, How dairy? - A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter. How dairy..
- I was walking down the road... ...when the guy in front of me turned around and started throwing milk, eggs, yoghurt and butter at me.
I thought, "How dairy!". - You hear about the kid who lost the spelling bee on the word "dairy"? ...I told him there's no use crying over misspelled milk.
Milk Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny milk day jokes and even better milk day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does America and my Milk have in common? Both will go bad in 9 days.
- So I have a pretty good fathers day joke Can't wait to tell my dad when he finally brings the milk home
- So I was walking past my local supermarket the other day and a man started to throw cheese, butter and milk at me. How dairy.
- My milk expires next thursday That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.
- What did they call the arab dairy farmer who became the chief? A milk sheikh
Figured I had 6 min for my cake day, and for some reason that was the joke that popped in my head - How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day
- Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can't do that anymore…. Too many cameras.
- I Remember when I could go to the local milk bar with a dollar and walk out with a big bag of lollies.
You can't do that anymore, things have changed.
These days they have cameras everywhere.. - What's the difference between Nine-Eleven and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 14 years straight.
Be gentle... it's my cake day :-) - My wife has to pump breast milk multiple times a day and she's always complaining about it. I think she's just milking it.
Milk Carton Jokes
Here is a list of funny milk carton jokes and even better milk carton puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I switched my kids to almond milk. Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."
- [OC] Why cant milk cartons walk? Because they lactose.
- My brother just hit me with a milk carton How dairy
- How does Ice-Cube drink his milk? Straight Outta Carton.
- Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" No, just leave it in the carton.
- When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?" I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :) - Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31. Unlike me, it had a date on New Year's Eve.
- A supermarket cashier asked if I want my milk in a bag... I said no, I prefer it staying in the carton.
- I was walking down the road and some guy tipped a whole carton of milk on me... How dairy
- If I ever go missing... I would like my photo but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know where to look for me.
Chocolate Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny chocolate milk jokes and even better chocolate milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk? A mootation
- How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk? Take the spoon out of the glass.
- What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and milk? Chocolate milk! What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and chocolate milk? Diabetes
- Where does chocolate milk come from? a cacao
- I like my women like I like my milk. 2% chocolate.
- Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk. - Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. 93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.
- Some people think chocolate milk only comes from brown cows. I guess they think it doesn't come from any udders.
- Should you use water or milk for hot chocolate? Some say the choice is clear, but I strongly disagree.
- "Doc, every time I drink chocolate milk, I get an awful pain in my left eye" "Take the spoon out"
Comedy Milk Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about milk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cows jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make milk pranks.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
Milk
Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
s**... bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
s**... bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
s**... bank employee: You drank my glass of milk
The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism
After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."
"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.
He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"
The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...
The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.
A series of cow jokes
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody
A woman says to her engineer husband...
"Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"
"They had eggs."
What is the fastest thing in the world?
Milk.
Because it's pasteurised before you see it.
Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...
I've grown a f**... where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.
Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*
My 7 year old daughter drops this joke on me.
What kind of bee's make milk?
Boo-bee's
A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...
He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.
Father is talking with his son
DAD: Whaddya got there, son?
SON: Soy milk.
DAD: Hola milk, soy tu padre.
A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery
She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."
The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.
Dad joke
**Dad:** Whaddya got there son?
**Son:** Soy milk.
**Dad:** Hola milk, soy tu padre
My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.
Q: What type of bees make milk?
A: BOO-Bees!
And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.
Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...
She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.
My grandpa would always tell me...
that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.
What's the hardest part about being a vegan?
Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.
I like my women how I like my milk...
Rich, white, and 2% fat
-What are you drinking, son?
-Soy milk.
-Hola milk, soy tu padre.
Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone
Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
My boyfriend is the best cook
With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals
She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"
You know Santa came when..
There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.
A programmer goes shopping
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to s**... on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?
Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.
He hasn't come back.
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
What bee produces milk?
A boo-bee
A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...
She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."
He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."
Where's Russian milk coming from?
Moscows
Spanish Dad Joke
Dad: Son what are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad
I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire
Spoiler alert
I've always wondered how vegans survived
No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.
How do you milk a sheep?
Release another iPhone for $1000.
-Credit to my buddy at work
What does h**... drink with his breakfast?
Milk because he doesn't like juice
A programmer tells his wife, I'm going to the store.
The wife says, While you're there, buy some milk.
He never came back.
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
Two friends were talking
And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
'I had s**... with my teacher.'
'But I thought you were homeschooled...'
'Yeah...'
Why is almond milk called almond milk?
Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face
A man asks his son what he is drinking.
The son responds, "soy milk."
And the dad says, "hola leche. Me llamo Padre!"
A man is talking to a s**... bank employee.
Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."
s**... bank employee: "What glass of milk?"
Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."
s**... bank employee: "Oh my god."
Man: "What?"
s**... bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.
He replies, They had avocados.
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper.
"I don't have a son," says the woman.
"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"
"Oh, God you have my husband!"
A programmer
A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...
You want the milk pasteurized?
No, just up to my t**....
If water with ice is iced water...
... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?
>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<
