Milk Jokes
181 milk jokes and hilarious milk puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about milk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh until the cows come home with hilarious milk jokes that will make you scream "Legendairy"! From playful puns to clever quips about chocolate milk and cacao, these jokes are sure to have your dairy-loving friends rolling on the floor.
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Funniest Milk Short Jokes
Short milk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The milk humour may include short dairy jokes also.
- Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
- My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues... Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.
- What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk? In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
- Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weigh the same there too" - why elon musk is A true Edison of our time ? Because He found a way to milk Nicolai after he has been long in the grave, too
- What's the difference between Jesus' crucifixion and a cow? You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.
- American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey" Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"
Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow" - My boyfriend is the best cook With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.
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Milk One Liners
Which milk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with milk? I can suggest the ones about yogurt and latte.
- How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.
- What's the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
- What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? Can't milk a cow for 21 years.
- Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre - Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.
- My brother just threw a milk carton at me How dairy.
- What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.
- What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk? Cacao
- What do you call a cow with Parkinson's? A milk shake
- What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk? None. There is udder silence.
- A man threw a milk bottle at me today How dairy
- I grew up so poor... That I had to eat cereal with a fork to save milk.
- A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese How dairy
- I like my women how I like my milk... Rich, white, and 2% fat
- How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English? Dairy practice.
Cow Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny cow milk jokes and even better cow milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy? You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.
- When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...
- I'm just milking it now. Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder. - My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior. He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.
- What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? ...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
- What do you call a cow that can't moo? A milk dud
- What do you get from an overly pampered cow? Spoiled milk
- How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows? Dairy
- A teacher asks her student Teacher: What does a Bee gives us?
Student: Honey
Teacher: What does a cow gives us?
Student: Milk
Teacher: What does a fat pig gives us?
Student: Homework - Why do cows make terrible accordion players? Because they always milk the notes.
Dairy Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny dairy milk jokes and even better dairy milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Some guy stole all the milk out of my fridge today How dairy
- I walked out my house this morning... And a man threw milk and cheese at me.
I thought, How dairy? - A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter. How dairy..
- You hear about the kid who lost the spelling bee on the word "dairy"? ...I told him there's no use crying over misspelled milk.
- Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds. You'll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.
- What did the lactose intolerant guy say after having a glass of milk? Please excuse my dairy air
- Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me How dairy!
- Went to the shop earlier today, saw a man throwing all the milk, cheese, yoghurt etc I thought to myself...
"How dairy?". - Hey! He stole my milk! How dairy!
- What does Activision and a Dairy worker have in common? They both love milking.
Milk Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny milk day jokes and even better milk day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does America and my Milk have in common? Both will go bad in 9 days.
- So I have a pretty good fathers day joke Can't wait to tell my dad when he finally brings the milk home
- My milk expires next thursday That means my milk has a date on Valentines Day, and I still don't.
- What did they call the arab dairy farmer who became the chief? A milk sheikh
Figured I had 6 min for my cake day, and for some reason that was the joke that popped in my head - How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows? Every udder day
- Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can't do that anymore…. Too many cameras.
- My wife has to pump breast milk multiple times a day and she's always complaining about it. I think she's just milking it.
- That long life milk is a total lie. I bought some for my wife and she died the next day.
- I saw a guy pour a pint of milk out on the floor the other day, I thought, how dairy!
- One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself. When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."
Milk Carton Jokes
Here is a list of funny milk carton jokes and even better milk carton puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I switched my kids to almond milk. Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."
- [OC] Why cant milk cartons walk? Because they lactose.
- How does Ice-Cube drink his milk? Straight Outta Carton.
- Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" No, just leave it in the carton.
- When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?" I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :) - Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31. Unlike me, it had a date on New Year's Eve.
- A supermarket cashier asked if I want my milk in a bag... I said no, I prefer it staying in the carton.
- I was walking down the road and some guy tipped a whole carton of milk on me... How dairy
- If I ever go missing... I would like my photo but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons. This way my friends will know where to look for me.
- How much milk do cars drink? A car-ton full
Chocolate Milk Jokes
Here is a list of funny chocolate milk jokes and even better chocolate milk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a cow who makes regular milk and a cow who makes chocolate milk? A mootation
- How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk? Take the spoon out of the glass.
- What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and milk? Chocolate milk! What do you get if you mix Coco Pops and chocolate milk? Diabetes
- Where does chocolate milk come from? a cacao
- Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk. - Fun fact: 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. 93% of American adults think chocolate milk should come from white male cows.
- Some people think chocolate milk only comes from brown cows. I guess they think it doesn't come from any udders.
- Should you use water or milk for hot chocolate? Some say the choice is clear, but I strongly disagree.
- "Doc, every time I drink chocolate milk, I get an awful pain in my left eye" "Take the spoon out"
- If they genetically engineered a cow to produce chocolate milk, that would be sweet.
Comedy Milk Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about milk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cows jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make milk pranks.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Milk
Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
s**... bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
s**... bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
s**... bank employee: You drank my glass of milk
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a drunk guy in line at the grocery store...
The woman in front of him has a block of cheddar cheese, a half gallon of milk, and a dozen eggs.
He stumbles up to her and says, "Why, you must be single!"
Rather surprised, she looks at him and replies, "Yes, I am single! You could tell that just from what I'm buying?"
Without missing a beat, the drunk guy says, "No, it's 'cause you're f**...' ugly!"
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
A man is very thirsty...
A man is very thirsty. As he is stumbling down the country road he sees a cow grazing in front of a cottage. "I'm saved!", he says to himself as he milks the cow and quenches his thirst.
The man knocks on the door to pay for the milk. "Your cow's milk saved me," he says. The home owner replies, "Cow? I don't own a cow, I just have a bull."
The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism
After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."
"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.
He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"
The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...
The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.
A series of cow jokes
Q: What do you call a sleeping cow?
A: A bull-dozer
Q: How does a farmer count his cows?
A: With a cowculator
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work
Q: Why don't cows have money?
A: The farmers milk them dry
Q: What's a grumpy cow called?
A: Moooody
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...
I've grown a f**... where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.
Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*
My 7 year old daughter drops this joke on me.
What kind of bee's make milk?
Boo-bee's
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Here's an update for you:
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...
No cream and nothingness
I was sitting in a small café around the corner this morning, reading a copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness, when the waitress came up to take my order.
"I'll have a coffee with no cream," I said.
"I'm sorry, sir," she said. "We're all out of cream. Can I give it to you with no milk instead?"
A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...
He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.
My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.
Q: What type of bees make milk?
A: BOO-Bees!
And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.
Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...
She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.
What's the hardest part about being a vegan?
Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.
-What are you drinking, son?
-Soy milk.
-Hola milk, soy tu padre.
Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone
Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.
He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.
His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"
Man asks blonde for coffee without cream.
Blonde replies: "We're out of cream. Would you prefer coffee without milk instead?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.
"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Arabs sit in the Gaza s**..., enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.
One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"
The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
& they're like "How did your milkshake develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?"
I always thought soy milk...
was just introducing itself in Spanish
Whata country..
You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.
He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one's mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It's also mine.
Milk joke
Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."
First post hope you like it. :)
You know Santa came when..
There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to s**... on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs...
But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do neo-n**... drink milk?
Because they hate juice
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
What bee produces milk?
A boo-bee
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk.
I'm in whey over my head.
Where's Russian milk coming from?
Moscows
Well... there goes Ted's reputation
Trump: No one embarrasses themselves on Twitter like I do
Ted Cruz: Hold my milk
Trump: Wait, this isn't milk...
I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire
Spoiler alert
I've always wondered how vegans survived
No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does h**... drink with his breakfast?
Milk because he doesn't like juice
The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."
"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."
Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. There, it's safe to drink now , he said....
It's been past your eyes
He's been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends were talking
And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'
'I had s**... with my teacher.'
'But I thought you were homeschooled...'
'Yeah...'
How does a milkman become a priest?
He gets pastorized.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.
He replies, They had avocados.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.
A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.
She became his breast friend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk
Somehow he found out and killed my dad!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...
You want the milk pasteurized?
No, just up to my t**....
