Milk Jokes

Following is our collection of Milk funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Milk jokes

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

What's the fastest liquid on Earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

Dad joke.....

Dad: what are you drinking, son?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.

He replies, They had avocados.

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"

Me: *lifts gallon*

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

My brother just threw a milk carton at me

How dairy.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

What do you call a cow that gives no milk?

An udder failure.

Spanish Dad Joke

Dad: Son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

Dad joke

**Dad:** Whaddya got there son?

**Son:** Soy milk.

**Dad:** Hola milk, soy tu padre

My boyfriend is the best cook

With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

Milk joke

Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it.
"Would you like a bag for that sir?" She asks us
My dad's swift reply: "No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."

First post hope you like it. :)

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, You probably will...

A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery

She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12."

The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.

A woman gets a call from kidnappers.

"We have your son," said the kidnapper.

"I don't have a son," says the woman.

"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"

"Oh, God you have my husband!"

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao

-What are you drinking, son?

-Soy milk.

-Hola milk, soy tu padre.

Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?

Because nut juice just wouldn't be appropriate.

A programmer tells his wife, I'm going to the store.

The wife says, While you're there, buy some milk.

He never came back.

A woman says to her engineer husband...

"Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

What do you call a cow with Parkinson's?

A milk shake

A man threw a milk bottle at me today

How dairy

Milk is the fastest liquid

It's pasteurized before you've even seen it

Two friends were talking

And one said, 'What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

To which he replied, 'I stole some milk from the supermarket one day. What's the worst thing you've ever done?'

'I had sex with my teacher.'

'But I thought you were homeschooled...'

'Yeah...'

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store...

She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

A first grade teacher was trying to teach her students about animals

She said "What does the fat Cow give us?"
Her students shouted out "Milk!" Unanimously.
She then said "Well done! Now, what does the fluffy chicken give us?"
Her students responded with "Eggs!"
She then said "Good work! Now for the last question. What does the big pig give us?"
Her students paused for a moment and they all shouted "Homework!"

A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese

How dairy

What is the fastest thing in the world?

Milk.

Because it's pasteurised before you see it.

I like my women how I like my milk...

Rich, white, and 2% fat

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.

"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."

"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.

"Too many fuckin' cameras."

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

This guy just threw milk on me!

How dairy....

A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.

He hasn't come back.

What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

A man is talking to a sperm bank employee.

Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."

Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"

Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."

Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."

Man: "What?"

Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."

My grandpa would always tell me...

that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras.

Father is talking with his son

DAD: Whaddya got there, son?
SON: Soy milk.
DAD: Hola milk, soy tu padre.

How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English?

Dairy practice.

The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

The teacher tells little Jack, "I'm going to describe an animal and you have to guess what it is."

"It lives on a farm and gives milk"
"A cow?"
"That's correct too, but I meant a goat. What lives on a farm, has feathers and lays eggs?"
"A chicken"
"That's correct too but I meant a duck."
Little Jack, getting annoyed, asks the teacher: "What goes into your mouth hard, and comes out soft and wet?"
The teacher starts blushing.
"That's correct too but I meant chewing gum."

Why is almond milk called almond milk?

Because no one can say "nut juice" with a straight face

You know Santa came when..

There's more milk in the glass than when you left it.

Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:

"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

What bee produces milk?

A boo-bee

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip (NSFW)

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk. One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"

The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?

How do you milk a sheep?

Release another iPhone for $1000.



-Credit to my buddy at work

Where's Russian milk coming from?

Moscows

Two Arabs sit in the Gaza Strip, enjoying a quiet pint of goat milk.

One takes out his wallet and starts flipping through the pictures.


"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. This here is my second son. He's also a martyr!"


The second Arab nods, They blow up so fast, don't they?"

My 7 year old daughter drops this joke on me.

What kind of bee's make milk?


Boo-bee's

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.

Q: What type of bees make milk?

A: BOO-Bees!

And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.

I'm just milking it now.

Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

What does Hitler drink with his breakfast?

Milk because he doesn't like juice

What's the hardest part about being a vegan?

Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

Programmers wife tells him to go to the store...

She tell him, "Get some bacon, if there's milk get three."
He comes back with three packs of bacon and no milk.

Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...

I've grown a fetish where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.

Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*

The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism

After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."

"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.

He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"

Jimmy's First Cow

One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.

He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.

His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

What does America and my Milk have in common?

Both will go bad in 9 days.

So I have a pretty good fathers day joke

Can't wait to tell my dad when he finally brings the milk home

I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire

Spoiler alert

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.

A man asks his son what he is drinking.

The son responds, "soy milk."

And the dad says, "hola leche. Me llamo Padre!"

I switched my kids to almond milk.

Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them "Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."

What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud



Credit to my 5 year old nephew

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Here's an update for you:

Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage...

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

A man is very thirsty...

A man is very thirsty. As he is stumbling down the country road he sees a cow grazing in front of a cottage. "I'm saved!", he says to himself as he milks the cow and quenches his thirst.

The man knocks on the door to pay for the milk. "Your cow's milk saved me," he says. The home owner replies, "Cow? I don't own a cow, I just have a bull."

What do you get from an overly pampered cow?

Spoiled milk

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

& they're like "How did your milkshake develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?"

Irish cream

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "

So a woman is at a supermarket...

She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.

Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.

The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one's mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It's also mine.

Why are men the best chefs?

Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes