Military Jokes
180 military jokes and hilarious military puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about military that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of military jokes. From clean jokes to hilarious one-liners and funny stories, we've got all the jokes you need to make your next military gathering a success.
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Funniest Military Short Jokes
Short military jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The military humour may include short armed forces jokes also.
- The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
- Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is? Every time I ask someone they say it's private.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries? Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.
- Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.
- I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban... I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??
- How can you tell if someone was in the military? Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.
- Camouflage training at the military Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE training TODAY JOHNSON!!
Johnson: Thank you sir! - Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle? Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*
- I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer. He just kept telling me it's private.
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Military One Liners
Which military one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with military? I can suggest the ones about armed services and naval.
- Why would the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.
- The military is now using gender neutral terms like... cannonfodder and expendable
- Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
- What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base? A flat major.
- My jokes are military grade Cheap and overused
- What's the most american US military branch? the air force. They're USAF.
- My friend asked why I wouldn't tell him my military rank. I told him it's Private.
- What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military? An arms dealer.
- Why are military officers orders vague Because they always talk in General terms
- What are the three branches of the government? Military, Corporate, and Hollywood
- What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet? Lieutenant
- What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer? Take out.
- What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left? Biden.
- Military puns are funny Generally speaking
- What has 2 kids and no money? Every military in Africa.
Military Branch Jokes
Here is a list of funny military branch jokes and even better military branch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military Cuz they USAF
- What branch of the military did the hipster join? The Salvation Army.
- What military branch has the largest biceps? The Army.
- What branch of the military is most superior at hand-to-hand combat? The Arm-y
- I just joined an elite military branch of trained dolphins The Navy Squeals
- Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military? They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."
- What branch of military would a pirate go into? The ARGHHHH-my
- What's the fastest branch of the military? The Marines. When they retire, they're corvettes.
Us Military Jokes
Here is a list of funny us military jokes and even better us military puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today. That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.
- I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like! [Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.
- Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran? Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM
- Why does the US military use digital camo? They turned down the graphics for better performance
- What type of art is the favorite of the US Military? Oil paintings
- What are the two best things about being in the US Military? The 1st and the 15th.
- The American Military will never win another conflict. Our enemies can just ask us to quarantine and we'll immediately refuse to hide.
- The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military. Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.
- The US military would be really disappointed when it sits down to brainstorm a name for the nuclear bomb to be dropped on Kim Jong-un and realises that Fatman is already taken.
- What do you do if the US doesn't have money to fund something like universal healthcare? Just say it's for the military.
Military Rank Jokes
Here is a list of funny military rank jokes and even better military rank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's up with the american military? I keep asking them what's the lowest rank and they keep telling me it's private.
- I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.
- Who Has The Highest Rank in the Linux Military? The kernel.
- A guy asks another guy about military ranks Guy 1: So remind me, what is the lowest rank in the army again?
Guy 2: It's private
Guy: Ok never mind - If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank. Colonel sounds right to me.
- These days, they expect those who join the military to go up in rank quickly. I think they're just generalizing.
- Did you hear about the high-ranking military father who cloned himself? The result was a Major faux Pa
- What do you call promoting a broom to the highest rank in the military? A Sweeping Generalization.
- I think Bernie would win for sure if he had served in the military and reached the rank of Colonel And he would be sure to get the black vote.
- I'm not really impressed with high ranking military officials, in General.
French Military Jokes
Here is a list of funny french military jokes and even better french military puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris... ... Effectively crippling the French military.
- Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane? He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.
- What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ? The phrase "I surrender" in german
- TIL that French military units do not fly the French flag. They use a white flag instead.
- I heard that there was a French military leader who used to extract bone marrow. His name was Napoleon Bone apart
- How are French cars and their military the same? Both are slow, don't work in the cold and are usually outperformed by Germans.
- Did you hear about the new French military band? It's called Flogging Mali.
Uplifting Military Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about military you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soldier jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make military pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...
... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.
What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?
If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
President Obama visits the Pentagon...
President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.
A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"
Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
g**... in the military
If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does the US military and a f**... have in common?
Air Force
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
Russia is the second most powerful military nation
... in ukraine.
(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)
Why do the Russians put Z on all their military vehicles?
Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do the military and s**... have in common?
The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a t**... attack.
Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.
A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"
An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.
Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a pirate's favorite school subject?
Arrrrrrrrt.
What's a pirate's favorite body part?
The arrrrrm.
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
No. The Navy you idiot.
TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.
Whoops, wrong sub.
The Military recently announced the adoption of gender-neutral pronouns for all members.
Members will be allowed to choose from three options:
* Cannon-fodder
* Expendable
* Dead
A women invites 3 military men to her house
During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Network administrator
A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.
"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The US Military today confirmed that two m**... users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.
Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.
Recent combat maneuvers and successes have shown that Russia has the second strongest military
...in Ukraine
I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset
But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....
If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.
Why the different branches of the military can't work together:
The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)
And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space b**..." from here on out.
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base?
Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Best explanation of Star Wars
The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a t**... attack which kills 300'000 people.
So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.
He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.
So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"
The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on your desk.'"
I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...
We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.
What is the smallest unit to measure...
What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?
It's the millimeter !
And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?
Yes, it's the milliliter !
And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?
It's the military !
It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.
This is not a drill
A Scottish soldier goes to the US for special military training...
The next day morning he goes to the platoon and after looking at him the officer asks him:
\- Private, did you come here to die?
To which he responds:
\- No sir, I came here yesterday.
With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!
It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.
As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...
Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.
I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...
...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another Pirate joke?
Ok, so this three part one which requires a little build up:
Ask, "what a pirate's favorite letter?"
Usually people get the "Rrrr"
Ask, "What's a pirates favorite restaurant?"
Wait for a response: "Harrrdees" or "Arrrbys"
and lastly, ask "What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"
At this point you should get "the ARrrrrmy" and you reply
"No it's the Navy s**...!"
I'm going to invent a super laxative for the military.
I think I'll call it Dishonorable Discharge.
I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error.
The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tech support in the military
Troubleshoot to kill.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A military plane crashes on a cannibal island
The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"
"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."
"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"
What are the two biggest fears of Russian military?
That the Chinese learn how to fight like the Finns, or that the Finns learn how to breed like the Chinese.
The military has invented a new missile that turns everything in its vicinity to gold
They're calling it the Automic bomb
A military officer was caught stealing electrons
His superiors immediately had him discharged.
Today is a military command:
March Fourth!
After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks.
Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.
College would cost me an arm and a leg...
But I joined the U.S. Military, so it only costed me an arm and a leg!
Many people recognize that the Russian flag is an homage to the French flag.
But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.
I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...
I have a military-industrial complex.
If the current Russian president is preparing to lead a series of swift military offensives...
...does that mean he's Putin on a blitz?
I hope Amazon's drone uses better technology than the military's.
Or kindergartens are going to get a lot of wrongly delivered packages
