military Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious military puns

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle

A military crew in a submarine just won a major battle, and they rescued a captured civilian from the boat they fought. To celebrate their success, the crew decided to have a small party with whatever food and drinks they had on hand.

The crew set up multiple crates to act as tables, and everyone got in line to get some well-deserved food.

The civilian decided he was going to have some juice, but so did everyone else. He ended up waiting a whole hour just to get his juice from the juice table.

When he finally got to the table, he told the crewman running the table "What the hell? You had me wait a whole hour just for some juice! The party is practically over by now!"

The crewman responded "Sorry, bud. The punchlines are never that great on this sub."


An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"


Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.


The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."


Why does the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base


President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."


Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The SEAL is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.


Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?

So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.


What does the military use acid for?

To neutralize the enemy base.


I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??


Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base!


One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:

One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier.

"One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet...

"One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down...

"One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!"

The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general.

"Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"


Gays in the military

"If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"

β€” Adam Hills


Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...


What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force


The Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"

The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"

The nun replied "Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!"


Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
So no point in your coming in for that."


The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)


My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.


How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.


Camouflage training at the military


Johnson: Thank you sir!


Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*


Why is a blowjob, like the military?

The closer you get to a discharge, the better you feel.


It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:










No answer.


No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.


Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.


military jokes

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop


Coffee & Testicles

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."


A joke about the different branches of the US military.

What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?

A sailor says, I'd step on it

A soldier says I'd report it to my CO

A marine says I'd catch it, cut off it's tail and eat it!

An airman responds I'd pick up the phone and call room service and ask why's there a fucking tent in my room


I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.


So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.


With age comes wisdom...

A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me ?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride !'

The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts ? Didn't you hear what I said ?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said

'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'


James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "


The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.


I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.


Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!


What do the military and sex have in common?

The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.


I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a terrorist attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.


What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.


I like my women the way I like my microwave... ...

...cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and kills any baby I put inside her.


This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.


A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"


Did you know North Korea's military marches to the left?

They have no rights


In Germany, we know of a joke

The French military.


A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred... a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.

"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.

"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."

"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."

After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:

"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"

The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:

"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"

"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"


An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.


What's the most american US military branch?

the Air Force. They're USAF.


What's a pirate's favorite school subject?


What's a pirate's favorite body part?

The arrrrrm.

What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?

No. The Navy you idiot.


What is the national bird of Pakistan?

An american military drone


TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.


the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.

If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch

If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.


What do you call kids in the military?



Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge the better you feel.


I was kicked out of the military because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge



NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."


What is the military term for premature ejaculation?

Dishonorable discharge


The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.


A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."


A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."

The nun nods in agreement.

A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:

"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"

The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."

The nun nods and smiles.

The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."


I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.


Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.


After years in the Military

After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.


Network administrator

A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.

After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.

"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"


Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.


Why do the military use acids?

To neutralize enemy bases


TIL that all Norwegian military boats have barcodes on them.

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.


What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base?

Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.


Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.


How about a military joke?

It's time for boot camp inspection and all the Privates line up. While inspecting the rifles the Drill Sargent examines one of the lazier Privates rifle a little more closely and shouts **Private! This magazine is dirty! Clean it again!** So the Private cleans it again.
Next time inspection comes, the Drill Sargent stops and looks at the Privates rifle. And again **Private! This magazine is dirty! Clean it again!" So the Private cleans it again.**
The next time it's time for inspection the Private decides he's going to go all out while cleaning his magazine. There's no way that his Drill Sargent will have a problem this time.
But again the Drill Sargent looks at the magazine and shouts **Private! This magazine is dirty! Clean it again!**

Now the Private is sick it. So on his next trip to town he buys a porno and leaves it open on his rifle. When the Drill Sargent comes to do inspection he looks at the book and shouts **Private! What is this?!**
And the Private shouts back **That Sir is a dirty magazine!**


Defense supercomputer

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a supercomputer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"

The computer hummed away for a minute and then came up with the answer, "Yes."

The generals looked at each other, stupefied.

Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."


Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks?

So that they can see the battle.


What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?

An arms dealer.


Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms


I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...

We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.


It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill


How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base?

I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.


A NUN and A SOLDIER (x-post)

A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked,

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to war to Syria. .

The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Syria either!


The Perfect Question

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the
equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on
Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the
lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war?
And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked,

"General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5
billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In
modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters,
but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the
Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews
fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the
auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"


Three soldiers are in a plane.

Three soldiers are in a plane. A gruff veteran who has seen many wars, a young but effective field officer, and a new recruit. The plane crashes on a island of cannibals the cannibals says they will skin them eat them then use their skins for canoes.

Although because they respect military men they allow them to pick how they die. The first man the field officer ask for a spear which he uses to impale himself as he find this honorable he is then skinned eaten and used to make canoe. The new recruit is next he wants it to end so he ask for a gun and shots himself in the head they proceed to skin,eat, and use skin for canoe.

The last soldier the veteran ask for a fork the cannibals a bit confused but grant his request. The veteran then screams FUCK YOUR CANOE! and stabs himself in the chest repeatedly with the fork.


The Snail

Two nations get into a pissing contest, each boasting it's military might. A third nation notices them, and being fed up, challenges them. Whoever wins this secret challenge will be known as the greatest nation.
Willing to show off around the world, the two powerful nations agree.
The leaders of the three nations meet on an island in the middle of the ocean to see what the secret challenge was. The leader of the third nation says "Whoever can destroy this here snail, wins the challenge."
A bit confused they leave the island on a ship. The first nation sends a barrage of missiles from his flag ship to obliterate the snail. Heading back to the island they find that the snail is still there. Raging, the leader of the first nation takes his ship back to his capital. Heading away from the island the others look as 50 planes pass by and drop thousands of bombs filled with napalm and chemical gas. The group heads back to the island to find the snail still there. Smiling, the third leader takes a gun and shoots the snail up into smoking bits. Astounded the second leader ask: "How did you do that?"
Still smiling, the third leader says: "Assault rifle"


The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He's a seasoned veteran


Why Aren't SJW's Allowed In The Military?

They are too trigger-happy.


Chi-chi... or Death!

A military company is patrolling the Amazon jungle when they walk into an ambush by a native tribe. It's a total massacre; everyone save for the captain and a soldier is killed.

The natives secure the captured and brings them back to the village in the jungle. Once they arrive, they tie each one of them to a pole while the whole village watches.

Suddenly, the crowd splits in two and the chief of the natives walks up in front of them and asks the soldier:

- *You must choose. Chi-chi, or death!*

The soldier gulps nervously. The choice is clear here.

- *Chi-chi.*

The chief turns around to the crowd and announces:

- *CHI-CHI!*

The crowd erupts cheering and yelling! They untie the soldier, strip him off his clothes, tie him up face down to a log on the ground and every warrior in the village fucks him in the ass until they come. After this is done, they untie the soldier, give him back his clothes and send him on his way, free.

The chief then walks up to the captain and asks him:

- *You must choose. Chi-chi, or death!*

The captain defiantly looks at the chief in the eyes and says:

- *I choose death!*

The chief turns around to the crowd and announces:

- *DEATH!*

The crowd, disappointed, starts booing loudly. The chief then says:



Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM


What are the three branches of the government?

Military, Corporate, and Hollywood


Military Benefits

Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government will pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which enlistees do you think they are going to send into battle first?"


Why did the military use acid?

To neutralise the enemy base.


What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet?



Military Joke -

I'm a former Army guy and I need some jokes about other branches of the military. So far all I have is:

In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar.

What's the worst thing in a woman?
-A Marine


I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...

...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.


Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.

Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.

Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.

Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.

Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.

Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.

Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.


I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once


To what branch of the military to babies belong?

The infantry.


A young soldier is sent to a military base in the middle of a desert.

After a few weeks he starts to get extremely horny, so he goes to the captain to ask him what to do.

"Chief, how can you withstand such long times without women?"

"You get used to it soon, but if you really miss them, there's a camel in the stable that you can use."

He is disgusted by the thought at first, but after a long time he goes there and does his business. At last, dirty and tired to death, he is done. On his way back he meets the captain.

"Boss, it was so hard, how do others do it?"

"Normally, we sit on the camel and ride to the city."

(Sorry for bad English)


I'm going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I'll call it Dishonorable Discharge.


A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"

"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."

"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"


Tech support in the military

Troubleshoot to kill.


Military puns are funny

Generally speaking


An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. He then moves to England and claims benefits.


The Military decided to build a new supersonic airplane.

It looked great on paper so a few prototypes were commissioned. They came out looking great except whenever it took flight, the wings would fall off. And no matter how much reinforcement the design team added to the wings, they would tear off at the exact same place every single time.
They decided to hire an expert to sort out this problem. His solution was to drill little holes all along the line where the wings usually broke off. The designers were skeptical but did as was recommended. A test flight proved that this solution worked; the wings wouldn't tear off anymore, under any circumstances. They were thrilled the solution worked, but couldn't understand why or how. The expert explained to them that nothing ever tears along the perforation.


Bathroom Etiquette

An Air Force Major is just finishing up at a urinal when a Marine Corp Captain enters the bathroom. As the Marine is peeing, the Air Force officer makes a show of carefully soaping and scrubbing his hands with military precision. Just as the Air Force Major is drying off his hands, the Marine flushes and heads for the door.

"You know, in the Air Forces they teach us that you should always wash your hands after you pee," says the Air Force Major.

"Really?" replies the Marine. "In the Corp they just teach us not to pee on our hands."


What has 2 kids and no money?

Every military in Africa.


A military officer was caught stealing electrons

His superiors immediately had him discharged.


I am looking for other military jokes.

**What's The Difference?**

Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them "Secure that building!"

* THE ARMY will go in kicking down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians.
* THE MARINES will set up a razor wire perimiter, establish patrols, and deny access to unauthorized personnel.
* THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and lights before leaving for the day.
* THE AIR FORCE will lease it for six years, with an option to buy.


Today is a military command:

March Fourth!


Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN.
Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle."

Darius replies - "And if i had artillery like that the Greeks wouldn't stand a chance at the battle of Marathon."

Napoleon sighs and says - "And if I had a propaganda machine like the CNN nobody would have found out about the Waterloo."


Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..

Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action


Trump launch a military campaign against Syria

Operation Desert Stormy


A military plane has some technical difficulties and is forced to crash-land on an island in the Pacific.

As it turns out, it was inhabited by cannibals. Without much ado, the crew are captured and delivered to the village, to be put in the communal pot.

The chief of the tribe approaches, and asks them "Who might you be, snacks from above?"

"Airman Sam Jones," says one.

"Airman Dan Williams."

"Airman First Class Ted Robins."

"Commander John Simmons."

"Ah, congratulations!" says the cannibal.

"Er, thank you? Why?"

"Well sir, tomorrow you will be Commander-in-Chief!"


Why is being in the military like having sex?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.


The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked,

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officers ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!


That Military Documentary series on Japan in WW2 was really good...

...Unfortunately it never survived past the Pilot episode.


Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite


Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?

He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.



Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.

"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"

"Ivan Ivanovich."


"No, just a vacation."


Trump may have dodged the draft but he was still given honorary military ranks.

Private Tax Return,
Major Embarrassment,
Chief Petty Officer,
General Incompetence.


I'm a day late, but here's some Canadian jokes I came up with

1.) What do you call a Canadian military group?

- *The Eh Team*

2.) Welcome to Canada: Native land of the world's two sexiest Ryan's and the world's two most hated Justin's.

3.) Canadians are great at introducing themselves to strangers since they're so used to breaking the ice.

4.) Canada only has one team in the MLB because we don't like to hit, only one team in the NBA because we don't like to shoot, but we have seven teams in the NHL because we really give a puck.


TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.


Guys wanna hear a military joke?

The coast guards


Why does the US military use digital camo?

They turned down the graphics for better performance


For all my military personnel

A SEA/L, PJ and a Green Beret all are trying to make Delta. The last phase of the selection process comes up and the instructor says "Alright men, you've come a long way. But you can't have any emotional ties to distract you. Behind each of these three doors, is each of your wives with her hands tied behind a chair, a table with a M9 and a single bullet. You know what you need to do." The SEA/L goes in first. After half an hour passes, he comes back out, teary eyed and said "I couldn't do it." He failed. The PJ goes next. After about an hour, he to comes out of the room and says "that's the mother of my children. I can't do it". He gets sent home. The Green Beret then goes in the room. Immediately there is screaming, slapping, tables and glass breaking. The other two standing outside wondering what the fuck is going on. Finally the noise ends and the Green Beret comes back out, scratched, bloody and bruised. The others ask him "what the fuck happened?!" the Green Beret replies "some fucken idiot but a blank in there so I beat the bitch to death!"


The U.S. military is like a drunk frat boy.

If you really believe it's pulling out before something bad happens, joke's on you, buddy.


Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

So how did that AP Chem test go?


There's an international multi-event competition for military spouses, but the same team wins every year.

The Swiss Army Wives.


I just finished a book on the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan

Would you like me to samurais it for you?


A Colonel's wife was walking her dog in a military base.

She was pleased by the snappy salutes she received from a couple of soldiers who passed by.

The effect was lost when she overheard one soldier ask the other, "who is she?" and the other answered, "Don't know...but it is the colonel's dog!"


I personally support trump going to war..

Not our military of course.. just the president.


What is long and hard that women don't have compulsorily?

The military service.


I can't complain..

I work a long and boring 12 hour shift checking ID's for retired military vets at a clinic. I greeted an old man who ask me..

"Son, how was your day?"

To which I replied, "can't complain"

That old fucker walked passed me and said.. "Even if you could, nobody would listen"


A blonde , brunette, and a readhead.

Are going on a road trip when they accidentally trespass into a secret military base and the punishment is viable by shooting. So they bring the readhead and make her stand against the wall . The captain exclaims .
"Ready ! Aim "
the read head than turns around and says.
" Tsunami!" and all the soldiers fall for it and the readhead escapes.
Next is the brunette. Same deal she lines up and the captain than says. " Ready ! aim ! ". The brunette than turns around and says .
" Tornado!" all the soldiers fell for it and she escapes.
Last is the blonde. "Ready ! Aim !" just when the captain is about to finish the blonde yells .
" Fire !"


Another Pirate joke?

Ok, so this three part one which requires a little build up:

Ask, "what a pirate's favorite letter?"

Usually people get the "Rrrr"

Ask, "What's a pirates favorite restaurant?"

Wait for a response: "Harrrdees" or "Arrrbys"

and lastly, ask "What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"

At this point you should get "the ARrrrrmy" and you reply

"No it's the Navy stupid!"


What do you call a sapling in the military?

An Infantry! (Infant tree, a sapling is a baby/young tree? Ah forget it!)


They say suicide is never the answer...

But what if the question is, "what is the leading cause of death for men in the military?"


A guy goes into a military surplus store...

..and asks the owner if he has any camouflage jackets. He says, "I've got hundreds, but I can't find any of them!"


If the current Russian president is preparing to lead a series of swift military offensives...

...does that mean he's Putin on a blitz?


What do you call a military base that has quadrupled in size?



Where was France's military strategy developed?



What branch of the military did the hipster join?

The Salvation Army.


The president visits a military base

He asks a solider stationed there what vehicles he's looking at. The Solider replies "Tanks Obama"


The year is 1945...

The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator. As he explains, he reaches a word he doesn't know, and turns to the translator.

"How do you say civilians?"

"Acceptable casualties."


Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high


What do you call it when a military man ejaculates prematurely?

A dishonorable discharge


Which military man will protect your reputation despite your love of questionable online porn?

Private Browsing


Sex is like being in the military

The closer you are to discharge, the better you feel


Army Post

A friend of mine recently back from his time in the army told me about one night, at his military base when he woke up about 2am, went outside - and he saw doughnuts, eclairs, cakes of all sizes scattered over the yard - but not another person in sight. Then he realised...

They had desserted their post.


A found a dessert trying to sell me military secrets in my bed last night.

It was an under covers pie.


I met a man with the last name Popcorn. He said he was in the military...

He was a kernel.


Where do shoes receive their military training?

Boot Camp


My dating life is a lot like the military

It is just huge intervals of boredom rarely interrupted by dodging some bullets.


Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?

Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.


I keep my house in strict military order.

My kitchen is always a mess.


What are the best Military puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Military? Well, here are the best jokes about Military to have fun with.

Joko Jokes