The Best 94 Military Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Military jokes. There are some military surplus jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these military tanks puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Military Jokes and Puns

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

Military joke, This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

Today is a military command:

March Fourth!

A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."


In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?

- With a crowbar.

And What's the worst thing in a woman?
- A Marine

Network administrator

A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.

After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.

"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

Military joke, Network administrator

Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

Gays in the military

If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.

What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

The U.S. military is like a drunk frat boy.

If you really believe it's pulling out before something bad happens, joke's on you, buddy.

You can explore military airforce reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean military tactical dad jokes. There are also military puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Another Pirate joke?

Ok, so this three part one which requires a little build up:

Ask, "what a pirate's favorite letter?"

Usually people get the "Rrrr"

Ask, "What's a pirates favorite restaurant?"

Wait for a response: "Harrrdees" or "Arrrbys"

and lastly, ask "What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"

At this point you should get "the ARrrrrmy" and you reply

"No it's the Navy stupid!"

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

Vacations

Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.

"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"

"Ivan Ivanovich."

"Occupation?"

"No, just a vacation."

What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet?

Lieutenant

NASA CHICKEN CANON

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

Military joke, NASA CHICKEN CANON

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."

I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...

We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "


Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?

He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.

A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."

The nun nods in agreement.

A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:

"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"

The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."

The nun nods and smiles.

The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."

To what branch of the military to babies belong?

The infantry.

A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"

"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."

"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

Why Aren't SJW's Allowed In The Military?

They are too trigger-happy.

After years in the Military

After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.

A military officer was caught stealing electrons

His superiors immediately had him discharged.

Tech support in the military

Troubleshoot to kill.

How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base?

I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

What has 2 kids and no money?

Every military in Africa.

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base?

Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

What's a pirate's favorite school subject?

Arrrrrrrrt.

What's a pirate's favorite body part?

The arrrrrm.

What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?

No. The Navy you idiot.

Military puns are funny

Generally speaking

Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.

What are the three branches of the government?

Military, Corporate, and Hollywood

So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...

...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..

Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He's a seasoned veteran

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"

Why does the US military use digital camo?

They turned down the graphics for better performance

I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a terrorist attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.

What do the military and sex have in common?

The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

Trump may have dodged the draft but he was still given honorary military ranks.

Private Tax Return,
Major Embarrassment,
Chief Petty Officer,
General Incompetence.

What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?

An arms dealer.

Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

What do you call kids in the military?

Infantry

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

I'm going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I'll call it Dishonorable Discharge.

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?

So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

That Military Documentary series on Japan in WW2 was really good...

...Unfortunately it never survived past the Pilot episode.

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

What's the most american US military branch?

the Air Force. They're USAF.

What's the most patriotic branch of the United States military?

Air Force.

Because they are United States AF.

What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base?

A flat major.

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer?

Take out.

My friend asked why I wouldn't tell him my military rank.

I told him it's Private.

Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors?

So they can see the front lines

College would cost me an arm and a leg...

But I joined the U.S. Military, so it only costed me an arm and a leg!

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military

Cuz they USAF

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

The military is now using gender neutral terms like...

cannonfodder and expendable

The Military recently announced the adoption of gender-neutral pronouns for all members.

Members will be allowed to choose from three options:

* Cannon-fodder
* Expendable
* Dead

Why does the Swedish military put barcodes on the bottom of their warships?

So they can Scandinavian.

A guy asks another guy about military ranks

Guy 1: So remind me, what is the lowest rank in the army again?

Guy 2: It's private

Guy: Ok never mind

Why do all the Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on the bow?

So upon their return, they can Scandinavian

Contrary to what historians will tell you, Napoleon had a more horrific death.

It turns out, the military leader had walked over an active land mine causing it to explode. Body parts were strewn all over the place. Yeah. That's right. Napoleon was Blown-apart!

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?

Biden.

What are the two best things about being in the US Military?

The 1st and the 15th.

People often overlook one of the greatest military advantages that Hannibal had when crossing the Alps...

The elephant of supplies.

Patriotism.

Being in the American military gives one the rare and distinctively American opportunity to live under a bridge that may one day be posthumously dedicated to you.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the military infantry jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working military army piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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