military Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious military stories

What are the best military puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Military? Well here is a complete list of the top military jokes:

Gays in the military

"If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"

β€” Adam Hills

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What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

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I like my women the way I like my microwave... ...

...cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and kills any baby I put inside her.

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This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

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Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

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Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

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Military Jokes

I'm a former Army guy and I need some jokes about other branches of the military. So far all I have is:

In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar.

What's the worst thing in a woman?
-A Marine



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I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

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Today is a military command:

March Fourth!

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Why is being in the military like having sex?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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The U.S. military is like a drunk frat boy.

If you really believe it's pulling out before something bad happens, joke's on you, buddy.

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What is long and hard that women don't have compulsorily?

The military service.

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What do you call a military base that has quadrupled in size?

Four-tified

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Where was France's military strategy developed?

Toulouse

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The least offensive joke ever.

The french military.

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I keep my house in strict military order.

My kitchen is always a mess.

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French Joke

Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!

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What do you call a rape in the military?

A flashbang.

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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, β€œI regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”

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Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.


"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

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A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, β€œI guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, β€œNot me, Sarge…no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”

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How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
They both wear stripes.

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A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

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At a Barrack, the commander calls the captain: "Take as many soldiers you need and start building additional toilets. The number of the people in need has increased!"
"I would suggest, sir, instead of building more toilets, maybe we should hire a new cook!"

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A bulletproof jacket is an imitation of Chuck Norris' beard.

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Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: The captain was sitting on the deck.

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A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peacekeeping mission.


During a briefing on landmines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

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Iran reveals a plan to test its first Chuck Norris within a week.

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An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "

Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

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So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.


"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

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Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife?
When she spread her legs he saw bush.

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There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
β€œWhat happened on June 6, 1944?”
β€œWe stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!”
β€œWhat was the turning point of world war 2?”
β€œBattle of the bulge, sir!”
β€œWhat’s is the importance of May 12β€³ The Man thought and thought β€œI don’t know, sir!”
The superior then said β€œWell, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday.”

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Obsessions

So i was talking to my friend about how im the type of person that jumps from obsession to obsession, and thats why i lost interest in the military. He then procceeded to say

"Pussy"

and i responded,

"That would probably happen at some point."

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Chuck Norris can find Osama Bin Laden!

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Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.

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Did you hear about the gay French General?
He blew Napoleon's Bonaparte!

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A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.


"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase β€œsecure the building”.
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, β€œAll right! All you dummies fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.
I smiled and said, β€œSure was a lot of β€˜em, huh sir?”

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Chuck Norris once joined the Army.
That's how the motto, "An Army of One" was created.

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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "

Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

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Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice Doggy", until your sniper gets the range.

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Human blood type is usualy 0+, A+ or AB...
Chuck Norris blood tipe is AK-47

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A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening.


As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M.
he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
β€œDo you know how to work this thing?” the General asks.
β€œMy secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
β€œYes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
β€œNow,” says the General, β€œI just need one copy…”

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Q: What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex?
A: Gladiator.

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Q: What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

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A knight walked into a blacksmith's shop.
The blacksmith said: "You've got mail."

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A blonde decides to join the military thinking she can meet a few guys.



What is wrong with this joke?
1. This isn't a joke
2. The blonde is thinking

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While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
β€œDaddy, were you in a war?”
β€œYes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, β€œAgainst what planet?”

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What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common?
Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best military jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about military. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty military gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these military jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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