Military Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

President Obama visits the Pentagon...

President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.

A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"

Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships?

So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

Gays in the military

"If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"

β€” Adam Hills

Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

How can you tell if someone was in the military?

Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

Camouflage training at the military

Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!

Johnson: Thank you sir!

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today.

That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "

"Do you expect me to talk? "

"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "

I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

What do the military and sex have in common?

The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.

I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a terrorist attack.

Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.

This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris...

... Effectively crippling the French military.

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

What's the most american US military branch?

the Air Force. They're USAF.

What's a pirate's favorite school subject?

Arrrrrrrrt.


What's a pirate's favorite body part?

The arrrrrm.



What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?


No. The Navy you idiot.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What do you call kids in the military?

Infantry

I was kicked out of the military because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge

NASA CHICKEN CANON

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.

The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."

The nun nods in agreement.

A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:

"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"

The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."

The nun nods and smiles.

The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."

I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....

If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.

After years in the Military

After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.

Network administrator

A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.

After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.

"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.

"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.

TIL that all Norwegian military boats have barcodes on them.

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base?

Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.

Defense supercomputer

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a supercomputer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"

The computer hummed away for a minute and then came up with the answer, "Yes."

The generals looked at each other, stupefied.

Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

Instantly the computer responded, "Yes, Sir!."

Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks?

So that they can see the battle.

What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military?

An arms dealer.

Why are military officers orders vague

Because they always talk in General terms

I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...

We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.

What's the most patriotic branch of the United States military?

Air Force.

Because they are United States AF.

A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred...

...to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.

"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.

"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."

"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."

After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:

"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"

The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:

"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"

"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"

How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base?

I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.

It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.

This is not a drill

A NUN and A SOLDIER (x-post)

A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked,

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to war to Syria. .

The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Syria either!

The Perfect Question

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the
equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on
Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the
lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war?
And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked,

"General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5
billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In
modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters,
but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the
Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews
fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the
auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"

The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray

He's a seasoned veteran

Why Aren't SJW's Allowed In The Military?

They are too trigger-happy.

Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

What are the three branches of the government?

Military, Corporate, and Hollywood

Military Benefits

Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government will pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which enlistees do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Why did the military use acid?

To neutralise the enemy base.

What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet?

Lieutenant

Military Joke -

I'm a former Army guy and I need some jokes about other branches of the military. So far all I have is:

In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar.

What's the worst thing in a woman?
-A Marine



Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.


Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.


Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.


Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...

...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.

To what branch of the military to babies belong?

The infantry.

I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today

Never fired, dropped once

I'm going to invent a super laxative for the military.

I think I'll call it Dishonorable Discharge.

A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"

"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."

"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

Tech support in the military

Troubleshoot to kill.

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. He then moves to England and claims benefits.

Military puns are funny

Generally speaking

The Military decided to build a new supersonic airplane.

It looked great on paper so a few prototypes were commissioned. They came out looking great except whenever it took flight, the wings would fall off. And no matter how much reinforcement the design team added to the wings, they would tear off at the exact same place every single time.
They decided to hire an expert to sort out this problem. His solution was to drill little holes all along the line where the wings usually broke off. The designers were skeptical but did as was recommended. A test flight proved that this solution worked; the wings wouldn't tear off anymore, under any circumstances. They were thrilled the solution worked, but couldn't understand why or how. The expert explained to them that nothing ever tears along the perforation.

Bathroom Etiquette

An Air Force Major is just finishing up at a urinal when a Marine Corp Captain enters the bathroom. As the Marine is peeing, the Air Force officer makes a show of carefully soaping and scrubbing his hands with military precision. Just as the Air Force Major is drying off his hands, the Marine flushes and heads for the door.

"You know, in the Air Forces they teach us that you should always wash your hands after you pee," says the Air Force Major.

"Really?" replies the Marine. "In the Corp they just teach us not to pee on our hands."

I am looking for other military jokes.

**What's The Difference?**

Do you want to know the difference between the branches of the U.S. military? If you say to them "Secure that building!"

* THE ARMY will go in kicking down doors, lay down suppressive fire, neutralize all hostiles and safely recover any civilians.
* THE MARINES will set up a razor wire perimiter, establish patrols, and deny access to unauthorized personnel.
* THE NAVY will unplug the coffee maker and turn off the computers and lights before leaving for the day.
* THE AIR FORCE will lease it for six years, with an option to buy.

A military officer was caught stealing electrons

His superiors immediately had him discharged.

What has 2 kids and no money?

Every military in Africa.

Today is a military command:

March Fourth!

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.


At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

With age comes wisdom...

A 70 year old retired Military officer had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ''Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The retd officer said, 'Are you talking to me ?'


The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride !'

The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts ? Didn't you hear what I said ?'
I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said

'Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.'

A military plane has some technical difficulties and is forced to crash-land on an island in the Pacific.

As it turns out, it was inhabited by cannibals. Without much ado, the crew are captured and delivered to the village, to be put in the communal pot.

The chief of the tribe approaches, and asks them "Who might you be, snacks from above?"

"Airman Sam Jones," says one.

"Airman Dan Williams."

"Airman First Class Ted Robins."

"Commander John Simmons."

"Ah, congratulations!" says the cannibal.

"Er, thank you? Why?"

"Well sir, tomorrow you will be Commander-in-Chief!"

Being a nice guy is like the Canadian military..

Cute, innocent, isn't taken seriously and will never get any action

Why is being in the military like having sex?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked,

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officers ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!

Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?

He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.

What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

That Military Documentary series on Japan in WW2 was really good...

...Unfortunately it never survived past the Pilot episode.

Trump may have dodged the draft but he was still given honorary military ranks.

Private Tax Return,
Major Embarrassment,
Chief Petty Officer,
General Incompetence.

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

Vacations

Russian military tank crosses the border into Finland and a Russian soldier steps out.


"Good morning," says the Border police, "Name?"


"Ivan Ivanovich."


"Occupation?"


"No, just a vacation."

I'm a day late, but here's some Canadian jokes I came up with

1.) What do you call a Canadian military group?

- *The Eh Team*

2.) Welcome to Canada: Native land of the world's two sexiest Ryan's and the world's two most hated Justin's.

3.) Canadians are great at introducing themselves to strangers since they're so used to breaking the ice.

4.) Canada only has one team in the MLB because we don't like to hit, only one team in the NBA because we don't like to shoot, but we have seven teams in the NHL because we really give a puck.

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.

What are the funniest military jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Military? Well, here are the best Military puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Military pick up lines to share with friends.

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