Military Jokes
185 military jokes and hilarious military puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about military that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of military jokes. From clean jokes to hilarious one-liners and funny stories, we've got all the jokes you need to make your next military gathering a success.
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Funniest Military Short Jokes
Short military jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The military humour may include short armed forces jokes also.
- The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
- Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is? Every time I ask someone they say it's private.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries? Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.
- Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies? Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.
- Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on its ships? So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.
- I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban... I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??
- How can you tell if someone was in the military? Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.
- Camouflage training at the military Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE training TODAY JOHNSON!!
Johnson: Thank you sir! - Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle? Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*
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Military One Liners
Which military one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with military? I can suggest the ones about armed services and naval.
- Why would the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.
- The military is now using gender neutral terms like... cannonfodder and expendable
- Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
- What do you get if you drop a piano on a military base? A flat major.
- My jokes are military grade Cheap and overused
- What's the most american US military branch? the air force. They're USAF.
- What do you call kids in the military? Infantry
- My friend asked why I wouldn't tell him my military rank. I told him it's Private.
- What do you call someone who sells prosthetics to the military? An arms dealer.
- Why are military officers orders vague Because they always talk in General terms
- The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's a seasoned veteran
- Why Aren't SJW's Allowed In The Military? They are too trigger-happy.
- What are the three branches of the government? Military, Corporate, and Hollywood
- What military rank do you hold while using a pay toilet? Lieutenant
- I saw an ad for a vintage French military rifle today Never fired, dropped once
Military Branch Jokes
Here is a list of funny military branch jokes and even better military branch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a pirate's favorite school subject? Arrrrrrrrt.
What's a pirate's favorite body part?
The arrrrrm.
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
No. The Navy you idiot. - In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys? - With a crowbar.
And What's the worst thing in a woman?
- A Marine
- What's the most patriotic branch of the United States military? Air Force.
Because they are United States AF. - To what branch of the military to babies belong? The infantry.
- The Air Force is the most patriotic branch of the military Cuz they USAF
- What branch of the military did the hipster join? The Salvation Army.
- What military branch has the largest biceps? The Army.
- What branch of the military is most superior at hand-to-hand combat? The Arm-y
- I just joined an elite military branch of trained dolphins The Navy Squeals
- What branch of the military are horses in? The NaaaaayyyVY
Us Military Jokes
Here is a list of funny us military jokes and even better us military puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So the US Military dropped a 22,000 lb bomb on ISIS today. That moves Amy Shumer's special to the second spot for largest bomb for the year.
- I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like! [Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.
- Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran? Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM
- Why does the US military use digital camo? They turned down the graphics for better performance
- What type of art is the favorite of the US Military? Oil paintings
- What are the two best things about being in the US Military? The 1st and the 15th.
- The American Military will never win another conflict. Our enemies can just ask us to quarantine and we'll immediately refuse to hide.
- The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military. Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.
- The US military would be really disappointed when it sits down to brainstorm a name for the nuclear bomb to be dropped on Kim Jong-un and realises that Fatman is already taken.
- What do you do if the US doesn't have money to fund something like universal healthcare? Just say it's for the military.
Military Rank Jokes
Here is a list of funny military rank jokes and even better military rank puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer. He just kept telling me it's private.
- What's up with the american military? I keep asking them what's the lowest rank and they keep telling me it's private.
- I don't know why people are saying the Russian military is weak They're ranked #2 in Ukraine.
- Trump may have dodged the draft but he was still given honorary military ranks. Private Tax Return,
Major Embarrassment,
Chief Petty Officer,
General Incompetence. - Who Has The Highest Rank in the Linux Military? The kernel.
- A guy asks another guy about military ranks Guy 1: So remind me, what is the lowest rank in the army again?
Guy 2: It's private
Guy: Ok never mind - If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank. Colonel sounds right to me.
- These days, they expect those who join the military to go up in rank quickly. I think they're just generalizing.
- Did you hear about the high-ranking military father who cloned himself? The result was a Major faux Pa
- What do you call promoting a broom to the highest rank in the military? A Sweeping Generalization.
French Military Jokes
Here is a list of funny french military jokes and even better french military puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This just in: A white flag factory has burned to the ground in Paris... ... Effectively crippling the French military.
- Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks? So that they can see the battle.
- Why do French military vehicles have rearview mirrors? So they can see the front lines
- Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane? He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.
- What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ? The phrase "I surrender" in german
- French Joke Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!
- TIL that French military units do not fly the French flag. They use a white flag instead.
- I just bought a surplus French military rifle. Only dropped once.
- I heard that there was a French military leader who used to extract bone marrow. His name was Napoleon Bone apart
- Did you hear about the French military selling new rifles? Never used, only dropped once!
Uplifting Military Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about military you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean soldier jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make military pranks.
An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...
... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.
What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?
If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
President Obama visits the Pentagon...
President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology.
A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?"
Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."
g**... in the military
If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.
What does the US military and a f**... have in common?
Air Force
The captain and the p**...
A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)
My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.
They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.
Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?
To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.
Russia is the second most powerful military nation
... in ukraine.
(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "
Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?
So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!
Why do the Russians put Z on all their military vehicles?
Because sooner or later they will all belong to Zelensky
What do the military and s**... have in common?
The closer you get to discharge the better it feels.
I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a t**... attack.
Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.
A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper
He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"
Why do Norway, Sweden, and Finland put QR codes on their military vessels?
So they can Scandinavian as they return.
An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.
Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.
TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.
Whoops, wrong sub.
The Military recently announced the adoption of gender-neutral pronouns for all members.
Members will be allowed to choose from three options:
* Cannon-fodder
* Expendable
* Dead
A women invites 3 military men to her house
During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
Network administrator
A network administrator decided to join the military, and as part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
After taking a hundred shots and missing every one, the man's DI (drill instructor) came by to see what was wrong.
"What's the matter with you?" he asked. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a network administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The recruit checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off.
"Well," the he said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
The US Military today confirmed that two m**... users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.
Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.
Recent combat maneuvers and successes have shown that Russia has the second strongest military
...in Ukraine
I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset
But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
Our government leaders have obviously never played Civ....
If they had they would know that not investing in education science and the economy coupled with an unreasonably large military is a a good way to get worked over by Gandhi later in the game.
After years in the Military
After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.
Why the different branches of the military can't work together:
The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.
Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)
And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space b**..." from here on out.
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and military base?
Don't ask me man, I just fly the drone.
Best explanation of Star Wars
The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a t**... attack which kills 300'000 people.
So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.
He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.
So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"
The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on your desk.'"
Why does the Swedish military put barcodes on the bottom of their warships?
So they can Scandinavian.
I sat next to a guy from the military at the airport...
We were both looking at our phones, then suddenly the airport wifi went down. I frustratingly said, "my phone only works on wifi!" He said, "don't worry! My phone has tethering!" Relived, I thanked him for his service.
What is the smallest unit to measure...
What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?
It's the millimeter !
And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?
Yes, it's the milliliter !
And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?
It's the military !
It's important for military engineers to know what an impact driver is.
This is not a drill
How do you tell the difference between a Syrian hospital and an ISIS military base?
I don't know either, Johnny, just fly the drone.
A Scottish soldier goes to the US for special military training...
The next day morning he goes to the platoon and after looking at him the officer asks him:
\- Private, did you come here to die?
To which he responds:
\- No sir, I came here yesterday.
With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!
It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.
What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer?
Take out.
As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...
Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.
I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday...
...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.
Another Pirate joke?
Ok, so this three part one which requires a little build up:
Ask, "what a pirate's favorite letter?"
Usually people get the "Rrrr"
Ask, "What's a pirates favorite restaurant?"
Wait for a response: "Harrrdees" or "Arrrbys"
and lastly, ask "What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"
At this point you should get "the ARrrrrmy" and you reply
"No it's the Navy s**...!"
"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!
Eh?"
I'm going to invent a super laxative for the military.
I think I'll call it Dishonorable Discharge.
What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?
Biden.
