Miles Jokes
168 miles jokes and hilarious miles puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about miles that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your friends laugh with these hilarious jokes about miles features. From the Proclaimers singing 500 miles to Miles Morales, the famous name and its nearest counterpart, the kilometer, these jokes gives you the funniest look at all things miles.
Quick Jump To
- Short Miles Jokes
- Miles One Liners
- Miles Name Jokes
- Miles Davis Jokes
- Miles Gallon Jokes
- Proclaimers 500 Miles Jokes
- More Miles Jokes
Funniest Miles Short Jokes
Short miles jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The miles humour may include short kilometers jokes also.
- Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous
- I tried to be an Uber driver... Trouble is, my passengers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.
- Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
- I named my dog "5 miles." So that I could frequently say, "I am going to walk 5 miles now."
- I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
- I ran over 2 Miles yesterday Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.
- "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on twitter - Mars and NASA Mars: Come over
NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away
Mars: I'm wet
NASA: I'm coming over - If you don't agree with someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Not only will you be a mile away from them, you'll also have their shoes.
- My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65.... Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
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Miles One Liners
Which miles one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with miles? I can suggest the ones about mile wide and kilos.
- Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
- I ran 3 miles yesterday Eventually I just said here keep your purse
- What is the longest word? Smiley
There's a mile between S and Y. - I heard 80% of all accident happen within 10 miles of home. So I moved.
- I named my dog 6 miles so i can tell people that i walk 6 miles every single day.
- Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers a mile off.
- Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
- I ran over Five Miles this morning Looking back, Five Miles is a terrible name for a dog.
- Why to Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away...
- I walked 10 miles today. I knew I shouldn't have let my dad name my dog.
- Why was the Death Star measured in miles? Because they used Imperial units.
- How did Helen Keller break her arm? You try reading a stop sign at 60 miles an hour.
- What was an elephant doing on the freeway? About 5 miles per hour.
- Why did the blind driver have no hands? He was reading road signs at 50 miles per hour
- What do you call a 26-mile long G-string? A marathong
Miles Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny miles name jokes and even better miles name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name. His original name was Odometer.
- If I had a dog... ... I would name it 5 miles. Then I could tell people I walk '5 miles' everyday.
- A buddy of mine named is dog "5 miles" Just to say he walked 5 miles.
But today he ran over 5 miles. - Step 1: Name your dog miles. Step 2: Brag that you walk miles every day
- My neighbour named his dog 5 miles so he could say everyday he walked 5 miles. Well this morning I ran over 5 miles.
- I have a friend named miles But he moved to Europe so now he goes by Kilometers.
- I ran over 10 miles today Now that I think of it, ten miles was a bad name for a dog
- When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.
- My patient walks 5 miles every day His dog's name is, 5 Miles!
My mom told me this joke:) - What's the longest name? Miles
Miles Davis Jokes
Here is a list of funny miles davis jokes and even better miles davis puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know what Miles Davis is called in Europe? 1.60934 Kilometers Davis
joke courtesy of Stephen Wright - I was once in a queue with John Miles and Miles Davis It didn't take long, but it went on for Miles and Miles.
- Tried to cover Miles Davis but failed miserably... I Kind of Blue it
- Why don't they listen to Miles Davis in Europe? Because they listen to Kilometres Davis instead.
- Miles Davis Is 1,6 times longer than his European cousin Kilometers Davis
- What do you think of Miles Davis? he kind of blew
- What do you call a pirated Miles Davis album? Free jazz
- went to europe once for a miles davis concert --sorry, i meant kilometers davis...
- Miles Davis was indeed a lucky man... He literally had a b**... lasting 45 years.
Miles Gallon Jokes
Here is a list of funny miles gallon jokes and even better miles gallon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If software developers made cars They would cost $500, get 200 miles per gallon, and once a year would explode. Killing everyone inside.
- Why does Eminem spend so much on gas? His car only gets 8 mile per gallon.
Proclaimers 500 Miles Jokes
Here is a list of funny proclaimers 500 miles jokes and even better proclaimers 500 miles puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have you walked 500 miles? Have you walked 500 miles?
Have you been asked to walk 500 more?
You may be entitled to compensation!!!
For your free no obligation quote call the Pro-Claimers now!! - What do you call a cassette single of The Proclaimers' hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"? Scotch tape.
Cheerful Miles Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about miles you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean metres jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make miles pranks.
Arguing couple
A married couple drove down a country road for several miles, sitting in silence. An earlier discussion led to an argument in which neither would concede their position.
As they passed by a barnyard full of mules, pigs, and goats, the husband sarcastically asks: "Relatives of yours?"
'Yup,' the wife promptly replies. 'In-laws'
The state trooper is driving down the highway when...
he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck several times, and then drive away. Two miles down the road he does the same thing. Another two miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the truck driver to explain and the driver says "The load limit is ten tons, and I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep some of them flying around."
A cop pulls over Heisenburg, and says...
Do you know you were going 100 miles per hour?
Heisenburg then replied, exasperatedly, "d**..., now I'm lost!"
if your little ladies not so little anymore...
you may want to think about what you can do to help. Here's some advice i got from a certified physical trainer: All you need to do is have your wife walk two miles every morning, and then another three miles every night, and in just seven short days that fat b**...'ll be thirty-five miles away
A young couple is out carousing one evening...(could be repost)
While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you t**... clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to s**.... When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm n**...."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.
When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her c**... and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?
A cab.
When my grandma was 60, she started walking 5 miles a day.
Now she's 87 and we have no idea where she is.
Hans the Norwegian
Hans was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer,
"I saw a big sign vit 66 on it."
"That's Highway 66," the officer said disgustedly.
"Goodness sakes," replied Hans, "you should have seen me yesterday on highway 110!"
Where do Squarells live?
In Geometrees.
I am not embarrassed to say I made this up two weeks ago while teaching quadrilaterals. The groan from my students could be heard for miles.
I heard we like Native American jokes.
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding...
The cop says to him "do you know how fast you were going?"
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know where I am."
"You were going 97 miles per hour!" exclaims the cop.
"Great! Thanks!" says Heisenberg. "Now I don't know where I am!"
The Bacon tree
Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."
So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter
The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.
End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.
Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks.
End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?"
"Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.
I once knew a women who started walking five miles a day when she turned 60… .
Well, she's 99 now and we have no idea where she is.
They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles
But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.
Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.
My dad told me... "When i was your age, i had to walk 13 miles to school"...
So i said... "Is that why you didn't graduate?"
A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together
A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"
All Men Go to Heaven...
...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.
St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!"
To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.
That's a bit far-fetched.
I bought a fitbit...
I haven't went running yet, but I j**... off for six miles today.
Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street...
Two blondes and a brunette are walking down the street when a bird poos on one of the blondes. The brunette says "I'll get some toilet paper" and runs off.
The other blonde laughs and says, "what an idiot, the bird will be miles away by the time she's back."
What's the difference between an American and a Briton?
Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.
It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.
I told my Canadian friend that I ran zero miles today...
she said that was 0K
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...
To get back to the mainland, they must swim 100 miles.
The redhead swims 70 miles, and drowns.
The brunette swims 90 miles, and drowns.
The blond swims 50 miles, but gets tired, and swims back to the island to rest.
According to my Fitbit
I've m**... 4 miles today
if the gas station is 2 miles away..
..and my dad's car can travel at 60mph, why hasn't he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?
My friend said his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.
That just seems a little far fetched to me.
I just got one of those workout watches
apparently i've m**... 5.8 miles today
I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour.
It might take a second for you to get it.
Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?
He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles
Two cowboys were riding their horses through the plains when they saw an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
See that Indian? One of the Cowboys said. "He can hear everything that's going on for miles around."
They rode up to him, and the Indian said, "white pickup. Four people in the front, six in the back. Big party."
"Wow" the other cowboy said. "You can tell all that from just listening to the ground?"
"Nah, I fell off the back."
I just watched a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered and his son is left physically disabled...
...Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Finding Nemo is a real thriller!
Ugly scenes
Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening
An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles
Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.
Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.
Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.
"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.
"You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."
In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :
"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."
The young boy thought for a moment and responded,
"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
'What's up?' says the driver.
'Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,' says the policeman.
'Thank goodness for that,' says the driver. 'I thought I'd gone deaf.'
An old man dies and goes up to heaven
He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only o**... in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."
A Canadian s**... hit a target from 2 miles
When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."
Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck
Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck, a redhead, brunette and a blonde. The nearest civilization was a 40 mile swim away. The redhead swam 10 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 15 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 20 miles, became exhausted and decided she wouldn't be able to make the rest of the swim; so she swam back.
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..
Grandma's f**... herself again
A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.
She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"
It's well known that men can read maps better than women.
But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.
My wife says I'm not committed enough.
But I flew 9,256 miles just to be away from her.
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."
"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"
I can't decide what to buy for my farm?
Farmer Giles: I can't decide whether to buy a cow or a bicycle for my farm?
Farmer Miles: You'd look pretty silly riding a cow.
Farmer Giles: I'd look even sillier milking a bicycle!
A trucker gets lost one day and as luck would have it, he comes to low bridge and gets stuck under it...cars are backed up for miles behind him....
Eventually, a cop car pulls up, the officer gets out and walks up, laughing hysterically and pointing at the trucker.
He puts his hands on his hips and says with a chuckle, "Got stuck, eh?"
The trucker replies, "No sir, not at all, you see, I was delivering this bridge when I ran out of gas..."
My girlfriend made me drive out more than 33 miles just so she could dump me on live tv.
Then her bf Chris Hansen humiliated me.
My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and brought it back.
Seems a little far fetched.
[blonde] Two girls were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yes... no... yes... no...yes..."
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?
The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .
Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .
A recent study found .....
........ that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...
This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.
He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.
All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...
There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.
The width of a milk jug is 5.5"
Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches
93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,6**...,6**...,6**... Feet
Divided by 5280
1,475,694,444 Miles
Divided by 93,000,000 miles to get Astronomical Units
You get 15.8 AU's.
You're so fat, that even though Florence is dropping 17 trillion gallons of rain, It's still not enough to get to Uranus.
So I said to a girl how would you like to be the sun in my life and she said yes
But than she said stay 92.96 million miles away from me
I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.
So far I've wanked 15 miles
Movies
Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
Friend 2 : Uhhh....what was it called?
Friend 1: Finding Nemo
My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.
She is 280 miles away.
Did you hear about the dog that ran 2 miles to return the stick its master threw?
I don't believe it. I think it's a bit far-fetched.
What do you trust more than the government?
The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.
An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp
Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishman looks thoughtful for a moment and says, "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie responds, "It is twenty miles tall, a hundred feet thick and made of granite. Nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it with water."
You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit.
How did they get so far underground?
Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...
I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.
I ran 10 miles today.
Surprisingly hard when you're carrying 25 pounds of c**....
A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...
...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.
Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.
Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why are these other three women looking so terrified?
Old Lady: Ohhh, that's because we just got off of highway 145.
Spy
A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.
That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .
Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.
For being black.
Why do the Scottish wear kilts
The sheep can hear zippers miles away
