I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
Trouble is, my passengers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.
Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"
-New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter
Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
Not only will you be a mile away from them, you'll also have their shoes.
Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
A Hijacking.
"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"
"I did Teacher"
"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"
"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."
"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"
"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"
Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that's been thrown over a mile away? Or would you say that idea is…
far fetched?
most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus
Twerky.
Compliments of my 6 year old son.
No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.
His scream was heard a mile away.
After all, I've walked a mile in their shoes.
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Man: Thankyou for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!
So he up and moved
Trump made a time of 11:56
Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31
Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03
But Bush did 9:11
But when I do it I'm drunk and ruining the wedding
That way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and also have their shoes.
After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.
Seems pretty far fetched to me.
Because sheep can hear zippers a mile off.
The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.
End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.
Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks.
End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?"
"Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.
Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
But when I do it...I'm "wasted", and "have to leave Home Depot".
Then you will be a mile away!
And you will have their shoes.
"One says, "I've never come this way before."
The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."
That way when you do insult them you're already a mile away and you have their shoes.
Then, when you criticise that person again, you'll be a mile away AND have their shoes.
After they pass mile marker 16, a state trooper pulls them over for speeding. The trooper goes up to the window and sees Heisenberg behind the wheel.
Trooper: "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going when you passed that mile marker?"
Heisenberg: "Well I certainly don't know now that I know where I was."
The trooper arrests them and he decides to search the trunk of the vehicle. Inside he finds a dead cat.
He goes back to them sitting in the back of his cruiser and says "Did you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrodinger: "Well *now* I do!"
Was so classless Karl Marx came in his grave
So a guy is going down the express way, and sees a lot of flashing lights, pulls over. The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says:
-Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car, a mile back?
And he says:
-Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!
Because men are the only ones that can pretend an inch to be a mile.
That way, once you criticise them , you're a mile away and have new shoes
Seems a little far fetched to me.
That way, when you do judge them or say something bad about them, you're already a mile ahead of them... And you have their shoes.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I went the extra mile.
Then you will be a mile away from them, and you will have their shoes. (originally a Jack Handey joke)
Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck, a redhead, brunette and a blonde. The nearest civilization was a 40 mile swim away. The redhead swam 10 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 15 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 20 miles, became exhausted and decided she wouldn't be able to make the rest of the swim; so she swam back.
The're both heading to the Jersey Shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."
I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know."
He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving."
The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."
Cops got me before I could get to the end of it.
When I do it, I'm drunk and told to leave Home Depot.
SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!
twerk
A guy is driving down the highway when he notices a sign:
Speed Limit: 40 miles.
He decelerates to 40 miles per hour and later he notices one
another sign:
Speed Limit: 20 miles
So he pushes the brakes again until he reaches the 20 mile per
hour limit. He starts wondering why everyone overtakes him. After
a while, just another sign catches his attention:
Speed Limit: 5 miles
He goes 'WTF' but still follows the rules, not wanting to be fined.
After one hour, one another sign catches his attention:
Welcome to Speed Limit!
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
-------------------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter.
I was spending some time alone in an isolated cabin in the Ozarks. Not a neighbor for hundreds of meters. One day at around 9 p.m. I get a knock on the door, so I go to answer it. I see a large, pot bellied man with a huge bushy beard.
"The name's Hank. I live just a mile down the road. I see you're new around here. I'm throwing a party tonight and I thought you might like to come."
"Sure, sounds great!" I said.
"There's gonna be drinking!"
"I can drink with the best of them!"
"There's gonna be fighting!"
"Sounds like fun!"
"There's gonna be some wild sex!"
"Sweet! What should I wear?"
"It don't matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
That way once you judge them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
He had a good run.
If you still don't like that person, at least you have their shoes a mile away from where they are
Airplane pilot comes on the intercom and says "folks, to save the lives of the other 127 people on this plane, 3 of you will have to jump."
Everyone looks around and finally a Frenchman stands up and says "in the name of France, I'll jump. Viva la France!" And he jumps out of the plane.
Next minute an Englishman stands up and says "in the name of England, I'll jump. God save the queen!" And he jumps.
Finally, a big guy stands up and says "I'm from Texas. And in the name of Texas..." he walks to the back of the plane, picks up a Mexican, and throws him from the plane. "Remember the Alamo."
Worst part is, poor little guy was Hawaiian.
That way you'll be out of range and he'll be barefoot.
It must be a mile stone!
One day, Miley Cyrus had a business suit on and was carrying a briefcase.
When she walked outside, a man noticed what she was wearing.
"Wow, you're looking fancy. Where are you even going?" the man asked.
She responded "Twerk."
When asked why, he said that it's not twerking.
A high-jacker.
Smiles, there's a mile between the two s
This guy's wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there on the front porch.
So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there again on the front porch.
Well, the guy's furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can't figure out where he is.
So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It's her husband. He asks, "Is the cat there?"
She says, "Yes."
The guy says, "I'm lost. Put the cat on the phone."
That way when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
because I always miss the exit on the freeway.
Her first day out she paints 9 miles. Impressed by this, her boss calls her to his office to congratulate her on doing such a nice job.
Her second day out she paints 7 miles, the third day she paints 5 miles, the fourth day she paints 3 miles, and the fifth day she only paints one mile.
Confused by this, her boss calls her into his office again and asks "What happened? You were doing so well your first day, and now you're hardly getting anything done!"
She says "I'm trying sir, but the paint can keeps getting further and further away!"
then you'll be a mile away and in his shoes.
The son says to his father, Wow, Dad. This is a lot of fog! To which the dad then responds It sure is son! The two drive down the road about a mile or so and finally reach a stoplight. To break the silence, the father says while chuckling. You know Son, when I die I hope I turn into a horrible fog, just like this one. Confused, the son asks Well why would you want that? To which the Dad replies, still laughing. So I won't be mist!
Clearly he's dehydrated and on the brink of death. A tie salesman happen to find him and the man requests water.
"I have no water but I can sell you this tie for $15"
"I want no tie I need water I've been here for days!"
"How about $10?"
"Please I just need some water"
"Last offer! $5 dollars for a tie"
"I just need some water"
"Ok, ok clearly I see you suffering. There's a restaurant a mile north from here"
When the man gets there he asks a waitress for some water. the waitress replies
"I'll be happy to help you but you need a tie for any service"
Smiles.
Because it's two S's with a mile in between.
(My 60 year old co-worker just told me that joke)
Give a woman an inch and she'll be a bit disappointed.
Now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is
Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away
The rules were set, and each vehicle was to drive 200 laps around a quarter mile track. Each vehicle agreed to this and the race began. After 10 laps, the motorcycle was in the lead against the car and the van by a large margin. Around 50 laps, he had started to loose ground against the car, and was only ahead of the van. 150 laps into the race, the motorcycle pulls into the pit stop and declares that he is quitting the race. When asked why, his only response was, "It's because I'm just two tired."
An airplane crashed in the middle of the Sahara, and an engineer and mathematician are the only survivors. They start walking and after a couple of days they are near death. An angel comes down and says "I am your guardian angel, and I am going to give you a chance to live. I am going to put cases of water a mile away. But here's the catch...you have to go half way to the water and stop, half way and stop all the way to the water." The two say "Oh thank you, thank you angel!" and walk a half mile and stop, then a quarter mile and stop. Finally, they are 20 steps away, then 10, until they are taking baby steps. The mathematician suddenly shouts in frustration "this is all a cruel joke! We will never actually reach the water! We are going to die!!" The engineer says "Relax dummy, we're close enough already..", and he reaches down and grabs a bottle.
.. can retrieve a stick from up to a mile away, or does that sound far fetched ?
But I always remind him that before he judges me he should walk a mile in my shoes.
I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Walk a mile in their shoes. If you still don't like them, at least they're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
SpaceX
Ever since she took out that restraining order
And that is why I'm banned from all zoos within a 100 mile radius
"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there."
Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.
...but getting beaten off doesn't count.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mile? Well, here are the best Mile puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mile pick up lines to share with friends.