Mile Jokes

Following is our collection of metric humor and gallons one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Mile puns for adults, dirty footrace jokes or clean acre gags for kids.

There is an abundance of wasteland jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes on mile. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sped witze you can hear about mile.

The Best jokes about Mile

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.

My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.


Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

If you don't agree with someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

Not only will you be a mile away from them, you'll also have their shoes.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

What do you call flying solo in the mile high club?

A Hijacking.

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"

"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"


Would you believe me…

Would you believe me if I told you that I think a dog could retrieve a stick that's been thrown over a mile away? Or would you say that idea is…




far fetched?

Miley Cyrus is a strictly american phenomenon...

most everywhere else in the world, she'd be Kilometery Cyrus

What does Miley Cyrus serve on Thanksgiving?

Twerky.

Compliments of my 6 year old son.

Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny

No one knows what it's like to not walk a mile in their shoes.

The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

As a middle class first world citizen, I still feel I know just as much about working in a sweatshop in China as the children themselves.

After all, I've walked a mile in their shoes.

Officer: Sir your wife fell out of your car about a mile back!

Man: Thankyou for telling me officer! I thought I had gone deaf!

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved


The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer it's art and music

But when I do it I'm drunk and ruining the wedding

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and also have their shoes.

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes."

After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

A man is driving down a country road...

... and his car suddenly breaks down. He pulls over and starts to look under the hood when he hears a voice from behind.

"Looks like your timing chain broke"

He turns around and is surprised to see a horse standing there and nobody else around.

The man runs away scared and reaches a farm house about a mile down.

A farmer comes to the door and the man tells him what just happened. He tells him that horse spoke and told him the timing chain broke.

"What?" The farmer asks "wait, was it a brown horse with a white spot on his face?"

"Yes! That's the one!" The man replies.

Farmer: "oh don't listen to him, he doesn't know anything about cars"

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

A mate told me that he threw a stick over a mile and his dog caught and returned it.

Seems pretty far fetched to me.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear zippers a mile off.

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks.

End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?"

"Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.

Always helpful...

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Why do Scotsman wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes...

That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer..it's "art" and "music".

But when I do it...I'm "wasted", and "have to leave Home Depot".

If you hate someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes

Then you will be a mile away!
And you will have their shoes.

Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh....

"One says, "I've never come this way before."

The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no.

He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.

I then thought.. I could actually win this.

Before you criticise a person try walking a mile in their shoes.

Then, when you criticise that person again, you'll be a mile away AND have their shoes.

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway...

After they pass mile marker 16, a state trooper pulls them over for speeding. The trooper goes up to the window and sees Heisenberg behind the wheel.

Trooper: "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going when you passed that mile marker?"
Heisenberg: "Well I certainly don't know now that I know where I was."

The trooper arrests them and he decides to search the trunk of the vehicle. Inside he finds a dead cat.

He goes back to them sitting in the back of his cruiser and says "Did you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?"

Schrodinger: "Well *now* I do!"

Miley Cyrus's VMA preformance...

Was so classless Karl Marx came in his grave

Hearing problems

So a guy is going down the express way, and sees a lot of flashing lights, pulls over. The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says:

-Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car, a mile back?

And he says:

-Oh thank god! I thought I was going deaf!

Why can't women read maps?

Because men are the only ones that can pretend an inch to be a mile.

Did you hear about the dogs that can retrieve a ball from over a mile away?

Seems a little far fetched to me.

LPT: When you're about to judge someone or say something bad about someone, consider walking a mile in their shoes first

That way, when you do judge them or say something bad about them, you're already a mile ahead of them... And you have their shoes.

LPT: If you are have a problem with someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.

Then you will be a mile away from them, and you will have their shoes. (originally a Jack Handey joke)

Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck

Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck, a redhead, brunette and a blonde. The nearest civilization was a 40 mile swim away. The redhead swam 10 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 15 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 20 miles, became exhausted and decided she wouldn't be able to make the rest of the swim; so she swam back.

This Hurricane should have been called Snooki...

The're both heading to the Jersey Shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.

If you told me you have a great eye for spices...

...then I'd bet you saw this cumin from a mile away.

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know."

He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving."

The guy looks up at him and replies: "Well, you've got to be careful when you're drunk."

I once tried to walk a mile in another man's shoes

Cops got me before I could get to the end of it.

What is the longest word in the English language?

SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!

When Miley Cyrus licks a sledgehammer naked, it's art.

When I do it, I'm drunk and told to leave Home Depot.

Where will Miley Cyrus go when her showbiz career is over?

twerk

Why men don't write advice columns...


Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.

A guy is driving down the highway when he notices a sign

A guy is driving down the highway when he notices a sign:

Speed Limit: 40 miles.

He decelerates to 40 miles per hour and later he notices one
another sign:

Speed Limit: 20 miles

So he pushes the brakes again until he reaches the 20 mile per
hour limit. He starts wondering why everyone overtakes him. After
a while, just another sign catches his attention:

Speed Limit: 5 miles

He goes 'WTF' but still follows the rules, not wanting to be fined.

After one hour, one another sign catches his attention:

Welcome to Speed Limit!

A funny true encounter

I was spending some time alone in an isolated cabin in the Ozarks. Not a neighbor for hundreds of meters. One day at around 9 p.m. I get a knock on the door, so I go to answer it. I see a large, pot bellied man with a huge bushy beard.

"The name's Hank. I live just a mile down the road. I see you're new around here. I'm throwing a party tonight and I thought you might like to come."

"Sure, sounds great!" I said.

"There's gonna be drinking!"

"I can drink with the best of them!"

"There's gonna be fighting!"

"Sounds like fun!"

"There's gonna be some wild sex!"

"Sweet! What should I wear?"

"It don't matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

Before you judge someone walk a mile in their shoes.

That way once you judge them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

Roger Bannister, the guy who first broke the 4 minute mile, just died at 88.

He had a good run.

If you dont like someone, walk in their shoes for a mile.

If you still don't like that person, at least you have their shoes a mile away from where they are

Mile High Club

Airplane pilot comes on the intercom and says "folks, to save the lives of the other 127 people on this plane, 3 of you will have to jump."

Everyone looks around and finally a Frenchman stands up and says "in the name of France, I'll jump. Viva la France!" And he jumps out of the plane.

Next minute an Englishman stands up and says "in the name of England, I'll jump. God save the queen!" And he jumps.

Finally, a big guy stands up and says "I'm from Texas. And in the name of Texas..." he walks to the back of the plane, picks up a Mexican, and throws him from the plane. "Remember the Alamo."

Worst part is, poor little guy was Hawaiian.

Before you criticize a gunman you should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you'll be out of range and he'll be barefoot.

I just found a rock that is 1760 yards long...

It must be a mile stone!

Miley Cyrus's fiancΓ© wants to break up with her.

When asked why, he said that it's not twerking.

Miley Gets Classy

One day, Miley Cyrus had a business suit on and was carrying a briefcase.
When she walked outside, a man noticed what she was wearing.
"Wow, you're looking fancy. Where are you even going?" the man asked.
She responded "Twerk."

What do you call a guy who wants to join the mile high club by himself?

A high-jacker.

What's the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles, there's a mile between the two s

This guy's wife gets a cat...

This guy's wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there on the front porch.

So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there again on the front porch.

Well, the guy's furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can't figure out where he is.

So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It's her husband. He asks, "Is the cat there?"

She says, "Yes."

The guy says, "I'm lost. Put the cat on the phone."

Before you judge a person make sure you walk a mile in their shoes.

That way when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

A blonde gets a job painting pavement markings on the highway...

Her first day out she paints 9 miles. Impressed by this, her boss calls her to his office to congratulate her on doing such a nice job.

Her second day out she paints 7 miles, the third day she paints 5 miles, the fourth day she paints 3 miles, and the fifth day she only paints one mile.

Confused by this, her boss calls her into his office again and asks "What happened? You were doing so well your first day, and now you're hardly getting anything done!"

She says "I'm trying sir, but the paint can keeps getting further and further away!"

I always go the extra mile...

because I always miss the exit on the freeway.

A man is walking in a desert for several days.

Clearly he's dehydrated and on the brink of death. A tie salesman happen to find him and the man requests water.

"I have no water but I can sell you this tie for $15"

"I want no tie I need water I've been here for days!"

"How about $10?"

"Please I just need some water"

"Last offer! $5 dollars for a tie"

"I just need some water"

"Ok, ok clearly I see you suffering. There's a restaurant a mile north from here"

When the man gets there he asks a waitress for some water. the waitress replies
"I'll be happy to help you but you need a tie for any service"

When you criticize a person, walk a mile in his shoes...

then you'll be a mile away and in his shoes.

A Father and his Son are driving down a foggy road in the early morning.

The son says to his father, Wow, Dad. This is a lot of fog! To which the dad then responds It sure is son! The two drive down the road about a mile or so and finally reach a stoplight. To break the silence, the father says while chuckling. You know Son, when I die I hope I turn into a horrible fog, just like this one. Confused, the son asks Well why would you want that? To which the Dad replies, still laughing. So I won't be mist!

Give a man an inch and he'll take a mile.

Give a woman an inch and she'll be a bit disappointed.

What is the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.

Because it's two S's with a mile in between.


(My 60 year old co-worker just told me that joke)

A motorcycle, a van, and a car bet against each other to see who would best whom in an endurance race.

The rules were set, and each vehicle was to drive 200 laps around a quarter mile track. Each vehicle agreed to this and the race began. After 10 laps, the motorcycle was in the lead against the car and the van by a large margin. Around 50 laps, he had started to loose ground against the car, and was only ahead of the van. 150 laps into the race, the motorcycle pulls into the pit stop and declares that he is quitting the race. When asked why, his only response was, "It's because I'm just two tired."

When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

Now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is

Mathematician and engineer in the desert..

An airplane crashed in the middle of the Sahara, and an engineer and mathematician are the only survivors. They start walking and after a couple of days they are near death. An angel comes down and says "I am your guardian angel, and I am going to give you a chance to live. I am going to put cases of water a mile away. But here's the catch...you have to go half way to the water and stop, half way and stop all the way to the water." The two say "Oh thank you, thank you angel!" and walk a half mile and stop, then a quarter mile and stop. Finally, they are 20 steps away, then 10, until they are taking baby steps. The mathematician suddenly shouts in frustration "this is all a cruel joke! We will never actually reach the water! We are going to die!!" The engineer says "Relax dummy, we're close enough already..", and he reaches down and grabs a bottle.

My dad always taught me to go the extra mile...

I guess that was pretty bad advice though - it just got me fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Whenever I complain about things I have a friend confined to a wheelchair that will bust my chops about how easy I have it.

But I always remind him that before he judges me he should walk a mile in my shoes.

My Dog

.. can retrieve a stick from up to a mile away, or does that sound far fetched ?

What's better than the mile high club?

SpaceX

I have the heart of a lion

And that is why I'm banned from all zoos within a 100 mile radius

Before you judge someone...

Walk a mile in their shoes. If you still don't like them, at least they're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

I always go the extra mile for my wife

Ever since she took out that restraining order

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

That Doctor nearly made it into the Mile High Club...

...but getting beaten off doesn't count.

While visiting Ireland last year, a nice friendly old man said to me...

"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes