Mildred Jokes
7 mildred jokes and hilarious mildred puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mildred that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Comical Mildred Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What is a good mildred joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
George and Mildred
It was a pleasant, sunny afternoon in the park, full of Sunday revelers. George and Mildred were sitting together on a park bench, feeding the ducks. Mildred turned to George and said: "You know George, we've been together 29 years now, don't you think its about time we were getting married?"
George stared reflectively into the distance and replied, "Aye, Lass, but who would have us?"
Did you hear about the tire...
Mildred: Hey, Gorge, did you hear about the tire that had a nervous breakdown?
George: Nope. Tell me about it.
Mildred: It just couldn't take any more pressure!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just by your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tom, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Tom and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Tom, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Tom quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"s**...." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
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