Mike Jokes

What are some Mike jokes?

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

​

What did Mike Tyson say to Vincent van Gogh??

You gonna eat that?

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

Slip of the Tongue

Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"

Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"

Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"

Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."

Pence says, "The fewer".

Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?

Methed Up

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?

As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?

What do you call Mike Tyson without any arms?

Whatever you want

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

Guy: Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

Guy 2: And since when is Mike your best friend?

Guy: Yesterday.

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

Mike Pence doesn't believe in science

But he wants to use electricity to turn fruits into vegetables

TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

John: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend Mike."

James: "Since when is Mike your best friend?"

John: "Since yesterday."

Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.

[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?

[Mike Tyson] She liked the way my Dictate

Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?

He was invited to thunday math.

What did Mike Tyson say when he saw Breaking Bad?

That's methed-up!

I don't normally go out, but Open Mike Night sounded fun.

Then we got to the morgue.

What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ...

but doesn't understand maths.

- Mike Birbiglia

Why couldn't Mike Tyson go to the laundromat?

Because it was clothed.

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

A man walked into McDonald's and saw a black woman with 8 children running all around her.

"Mike, stop that!" she shouted at one.

"Mike, stop bothering your brother," she yelled at another.

"Mike, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick your nose," she chided yet another.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the man said, "but... are all your boys named Mike?"

"Yes sir," she replied.

"Isn't that confusing?" he asked.

"No, they all have different last names."

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...

'He's like a fish out of water.'

'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'

'No, I mean he's dead.'

-Mike Close-

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.


"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.


Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.


"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.


"Needs ironing"...

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."

"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."

What happens if Mike Tyson carries around MjΓΆlnir all day?

He gets thor arms!

Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.

Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?

Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.

Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?

Mike: What school?

Did you see Mike Pence left the Colts game because the players knelt for the national anthem?

He was quoted as saying "I won't stand for this" on the way out

What does Mike Tyson say after a good workout with the Avengers?

I'm Thor.

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?

It has two bytes and no memory

I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, "Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth."

He said, "Well you were mythtaken."

How did Mike Tyson open the door to alcoholism?

Withkey.

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten? Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. You see, no one cares about the Muslims.

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his
practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for any of his tricks. So she took the mike from him, and proudly announced to the audience: "I'm not stupid!".

It took a whole minute for the uproar of laughter to settle.

Its unfortunate that Avicii died but

At least Mike Posner can pop pills in ibiza and not have to worry about impressing anyone.

Why does Mike Tyson refuse to buy playstation ?

Because he is an x-boxer

Valentine Cards

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

*mikedrop

Where do DJ's go for information?

They go to Wiki-wiki-wikipedia.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane...

Suddenly Mike Pence says "I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy".

Donald says "I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy".

The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy."

Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!

What did Mike Tyson say when he saw mold?

That's growth.

A woman was getting out of the shower

As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well that's a lot of money, so she dropped the towel. He gave her the money and left. She went upstairs and told her husband that the neighbor Mike had come by. He asked if he gave her the eight hundred dollars he owed him.

What do you call Mike Tyson on amphetamines?

Methed Up.

I've only seen β€ͺMagic Mike‬, can I see β€ͺMagic Mike XXL...

...or do I need to see the other 28 in between first?

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having breakfast at the White House

The waitress asks Pence what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" Trump replies with his trademark lecherous leer, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Pence leans over to Trump and whispers... "Mr President, It's pronounced 'quiche'."

What do "Jingle Bells" sung by Mike Tyson and a green and red g-string have in common?

They're both Christmith Thongs.

Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers?

Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.

My complete lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my achilles elbow.

thanks, Mike!

How does Mike Tyson like his bath?

Grilled.

Mike Tyson and the son of Odin got into a fight.

They're both thore today.

Why did Mike Tyson cross the road?

To get to the other thide

Not Here To Swim...

My uncle Mike owns hundreds of acres of land. In a back corner of that land there is a small lake surrounded by peach trees. One day he decides he'll pick some peaches and relax by the water. So he grabs a peach bucket and starts toward the lake. As he gets closer he hears women screaming and thinking something is wrong he sprints to the lake but to his surprise he finds three girls skinny-dipping. As soon as he gets to the shore the three girls see him and swim to the middle of the lake. They yell, "You're not coming in and we're not coming out until you leave." So thinking fast he holds up the bucket and says, "I'm not here to swim. I'm here to feed the alligators!"

Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners

After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House…

After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11

Jack says to his friend Mike, I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

what do Mike Tyson and outdoor patios have in common?

They're both roofless.

Mike Tyson had something to tell me...

So I lent him an ear.

So a guy named Mike applies to join a Chicago police department.

"The first test is to lift a bag that is the size of a human and carry it to safety out of a building.", says the chief.

Mike succeeds.

"Next, you must show us your driving skills and show that you can handle a police car.", the chief says.

Mike succeeds.

"Now, for your final test, I want you to go shoot a black teenager and three songbirds.", says the chief.

"Why should I shoot three songbirds?", says Mike.

"Congratulations, you've got the job!", says the chief.

Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun...

... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha

November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel

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Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Echo Romeo

Golf Oscar November November Alpha Lima Echo

Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform Delta Oscar

Whiskey November November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Romeo Uniform November Alpha Romeo Oscar Uniform

November Delta Alpha November Delta Delta Echo

Sierra Echo Romeo Tango Yankee Oscar Uniform

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"

New bikes for "clever" engineers.

Mike, an engineer, rides his new bike to his friends Rob's house who is also an engineer. Rob asks Mike where he got the new bike. Mike tells Rob about the encounter he had that very morning. He said that a beautiful bombshell blonde woman came riding up to his house while he was out front watering the lawn.

He proceeds to tell Rob that she stopped in front of his house on the bike, took off all of her clothes and said take what you want.

Rob looks at Mike and said "Yeah the clothes wouldn't have fit you"

Y'all hear that Reese whatever her name is stabbed herself?

Dave: Witherspoon?

Mike: Nah, with a knife.

What did Mike Wazowski call his tattoo parlor?

Monster's Ink.

Two Men in a Country Club...

Two men in a country club are in the locker room getting undressed. Bob, asks Mike, "How long have you been wearing women's underwear?". Mike answers, "Since my wive found a pair in my car."

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

Those people who are against gay marriage and say...

''In Genesis it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve'', are so narrow minded..

Everyone knows that in Genesis it was Phil Collins, Tony Banks and Mike Rutherford..

Why could no one believe in Mike Tyson's new boat?

Because it was unthinkable

Getting into the pub with your dog

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub.

Mike looks at his friend John and says Let's go in there for a quick drink.

John replies with, They won't let us in with our dogs.

Sure they will, just follow my lead.

Mike walks up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman tell hims, I'm sorry but I can't let you in here with your dog.

Mike replies, But I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.

The doorman says, Okay well in that case, come on in.

John sees this and decideds to do the same thing. He walks up to the front door, but the doorman says, Sorry sir, you can't come in here with a dog.

John replies, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.

The doorman responds, I don't think so buddy. You mean to tell me you have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?

John stops for a second looking confused, and says, They gave me a chihuahua?

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms and no legs?

Anything you want.

Mike goes to a law consultant.

He asks: So how much do you charge per question?

Consultant: 150€.

Mike: Isn't it too expensive?

Consultant: Yes it is. So whats your third question?.

Mike and his Grandpa

Mike was 5 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,"Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Mike, it's called sexual intercourse."
'Oh,' Little Mike said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds....And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

For all you boxing fans out there

Eighty year old woman, huge boxing fan, decides to get a couple of tattoos of her favourite pugilists done.
One of Mohamed Ali on the inside of her upper right thigh, one of Mike Tyson on the inside of her upper left thigh.
Pleased as punch, she goes home to her husband, lifts up her dress, spreads her legs and says, ' Well, what do you think of these?'
Husband replies 'The one on the right could be Mohamed Ali, the one on the left might be Mike Tyson, but the one in the middle is definitely Don King.

What is Mike Tyson's favorite mouthwash?

lisperine

What is Mike Tyson's favorite type of math?

Mathturbating.

Some recent grads having a beer..

Three guys, Mike, Dave, and Doug were at a table in a bar enjoying some beers and conversation. A stranger came by and asked if he could join them and was immediately welcomed. After about an hour of lively conversation the stranger said, I can tell you are all recent college grads. I bet I can guess where each of you went to school.

That would be interesting, said Doug, I'd like to see how you could do that.

Well, Mike here, he's Harvard. That's easy. He's got the Haavard accent. He also made reference to some obscure points of business law and his stylish business suit seals the deal.

And Dave has got to be MIT. The smudged glasses and black t-shirt are a clue. He also made some references that show he has a good grasp of quantum theory and computer science.

That's amazing, said Doug. What about me?

Oh. You went to West Virginia University.

How do you know? asked Doug.

I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose.

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)

How to make Mike jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Mike to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Mike? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Mike pick up lines to share with friends.

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