midwest Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious midwest puns

Grandfather dropped a bomb today I'll never forget

We stopped at a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere in the midwest. The people looked like they hadn't slept in a year and had eaten meth for a week from their missing teeth and saggy cheeks.

**Me:** Jesus, these people look like zombies

**Gramps:** Yeah and they're probably starving from the lack of brains in this fucking town.


Midwestern joke I heard years ago...

State officials in Ohio are trying to pass legislation to change the name of the town, Mechanicsburg, to Engagement. When asked why, one official commented that it made clear sense because the town is halfway between Dayton and Marion.


It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.

"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"

Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."

After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."


So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.


In the midwest during the depression, a guy went to work on a ranch in exchange for room and board

After several weeks of no women and being far from the nearest town, the guy was getting horny. He asked the rancher if there was anything he could recommend. The rancher said, "I have a horse in the barn." The guy responds, "Thanks, but no."

After a few more weeks, the guy is even worse, and asks the rancher if any women ever stop by. The rancher says, "No - but there's still that horse in the barn." The guy again declines and walks away.

Finally a few weeks later, the guy can't take it anymore. He asks the rancher if the horse is still available, and the rancher says, "Sure - go ahead."

The guy goes to the barn, finds a step stool to reach the horse's butthole, and screws the hell out of it. He's walking back to his bunk and runs into the rancher, who says, "Why are you back so early?"

The guy says, "What do you mean? I screwed that horse for a full 45 minutes!"

The rancher says, "You screwed the horse? Usually the ranch hands ride it to Miss Nelly's whorehouse in town."


Breaking news

This morning saw what will probably become the worst air disaster in the Midwest. An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm, Wisconsin. So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that number to climb.


Election One-Liner

Looks like the Democrats were holding strong in the Midwest until the republicans got off work..


What's the similarity between Divorce and tornados in the Midwest?

Someone's losing their trailer


Good seafood

A business man was flying back to Boston to attend a convention after having lived in the mid-west for a number of years. He was very much looking forward to having some fresh local seafood. On the way to his hotel in a taxi, he thought that since he had been away for so long that he'd have to ask the driver for a good restaurant recommendation.
"Hey buddy, where's a good place to get scrod around here?", he asked. The driver looked into the rear view mirror and replied, "I've heard it asked a lot of ways before, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."


What do midwesterners call Minnesota?



What's the least popular party game in the Midwest?



What type of soda does the Coca-Cola company sell the most of in the Midwest?



Why do Midwesterners have such great smiles?

Because their diet is very corny and cheesy.


We are the Midwest

We are snowd en.


Did you hear about the transvestite from the midwest who decided to become a man again?

She became Mitch- again.


Why do all farm trucks in the Midwest have 4x4 decals on them?

It's their work schedule. Four weeks in the spring and four weeks in the Fall.


Midwestern Humor

Anywhere you find four Germans, you're sure to find a fifth!


What do Midwesterners rely on?

Opes and dreams


What does a midwestern farmer and a rapper have in common?

They both want to make it rain.


Total Eclipses freak people out because it creates opposites of our expectations...

...Day becomes night. White becomes Black. And the midwest becomes a travel destination


Mueller walks into a bar in the Midwest

The bartender says, You better thank me for my service.


Why is Flint MI famous for it's sandwiches?

They have the highest Pb : jelly ratio in the midwest!


How do you get a girl from the Midwest to "s" your "d"?

Dip it in ranch.


What do midwesterners call their dad?



What does a Midwestern programmer say when they bump into someone?



What are the most funny Midwest jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Midwest? Well, here are the best Midwest dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Midwest pick up lines to share with friends.


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