Midnight Jokes

Following is our collection of cinderella puns and narwhal one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Midnight jokes for adults, dirty 4am jokes and clean late dad gags for kids.

The Best Midnight Puns

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"

Man: "My Wife"!!!

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"


The day after Beethoven's funeral

The day after Beethoven's funeral, at midnight, a drunken man, having just left the bar, went into the graveyard, where he heard a strange sound. Looking for the source of the mysterious sound, he discovered it was coming from Beethoven's grave. Alarmed, he called his friends, and found they could hear the sound too (even the sober ones).

Soon, a crowd was forming at the graveyard. The mayor, who was very familiar with classical music, recognized the sound as Beethoven's 9th Symphony played backwards. When it ended, Beethoven's 8th Symphony started playing, also backwards, and then the 7th, and then the 6th, and so forth. At dawn, having reached a conclusion, the mayor said to the gathering crowd:

"There's nothing to fear, gentlemen. He's just decomposing."

A dad puts his little girl to sleep...

And the girl says, "Goodbye Grandpa" and the dad asks why she said grandpa, the girl replied, "I don't know it just felt right".

The next day the grandpa died. The dad thought it was just a coincidence.

The dad puts the girl to sleep and a few months later she says, "Goodbye Grandma" and the dad went along with it.

The next day the grandma died and the dad thought that she knew who would die next!

Several weeks later, the dad puts his girl to sleep and the girl says, "Goodbye Daddy" and the dad freaked out when he left the room.

He stayed at the office until midnight jumping at every sound he heard. When he came to his house at 1am and crawls into the bed, his wife says

Wife :: Why were you at work so late?

Husband :: I had a terrible day..

Wife :: What happened?

Husband :: I don't want to talk about it.

Wife :: Well, you won't believe the day I had! My golf pro died right in front of me during golf lessons!

Edit : Formatting

what do you call the act of masturbation before you sleep?

the stroke of midnight.

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?"

Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?"

Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."

Guy gets pulled over by a cop at midnight:

"And where are you rushing to sir?"

"Officer, I'm attending a lecture on drinking and driving."

"Is that so? Who is giving a lecture at this time of the night?"

"My wife."


A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.

Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"......
"Pilot to control tower......hey there Hillbilly, guess who!!"
Control tower switches off the airport lights.....
"Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"

How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch?

The big hand's touching the little hand.

Latvian Dreamin'

Little boy go to father. Is midnight. Say boy, "Father! I dream I is Mr. Potato! Have big eyes and smile! Even having shoes! I wish I Mr. Potato for all ever!"

Man woke in midnight all sudden. Rubs eyes. Remembers boy dead by mule, and is no potato. Only cold. Is all dream. Lay back on dirt. No smiles. No shoes.

"Awww... your baby is cute!"

...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.

"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"

"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."

What do cowboys call midnight

High Moon

Your essays should be like a girls skirt

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

A young woman was so excited to find out she was pregnant, she had to phone all her friends right away and tell them the big news....

It was close to midnight before she finally got around to calling up her very last girlfriend with the big announcement.

"I can't believe I have a person inside me right now!" she said.

"So do I," her friend replied. "Can you call me back in an hour?"

I saw a girl and I wrote my number on a dollar.

I went to her and I dropped the dollar then I said: "Sorry to bother you, but this dropped from you."
But the stupid girl went and bought a sandwich with the dollar.
The problem is not here, but the problem is that the sandwich seller is texting me till midnight saying: "Did you love the sandwich beautiful?"


I'm directing a film...

... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.

I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.

How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock?

She waits until midnight and plugs it back in.

Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it.

My wife has a problem, she talks during sex

Last week at midnight she called me from the hotel

Texting messages on the cell phone at 12 midnight ...

- How are you baby?
- I am in bed and thinking about you … And you my dear?
- I am at a club … And sitting right behind you!!

Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Grandma: It's midnight, you can't sing now.

Little Karl: But I need to sing really bad!

Grandma: Well ok then. Sing quietly to grannys ear.

First Date Her Dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: But you already own her home
Her Dad, turning to daughter: If you don't bang him, I will.

It's official, when the clock strikes midnight

we can all legally have sex with kids from the 90s!

Criss Angel arrested for murder...

His lawyer asks "When and where did the murder take place?"

Detective "Around midnight at the MGM."

Lawyer "Well my client is definitely innocent then."

Detective "How's that?"

Lawyer "He was at The Bellagio then, he would have to be some kind of magician to be in two places at once."

[NSFW]Four robbers break into a bank at midnight.

As they open the vault, there are only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.

"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.

The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

A man wakes up his wife midnight

"Hey my love, here is your aspirin!"

"But I don't have a headache?"

"Great!"

Did you hear about the hardworking heroin addict?

He was always up burning the midnight foil.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's going to do when she shows up. His face contorts in frustration. "When I see her face..."

He softens.

"Imma believe 'er."

What's the difference??

What's the difference between Cinderella and Princess Diana?Β 
At midnight Cinderella's car didn't turn into a wall.

Back in 1998, Chelsea Clinton was in high school and went out on a date one night.

Hillary set an 11pm curfew, but Chelsea didn't return to the White House until after midnight.

Hillary had waited up, and grilled her daughter over being late.

Her last question: You didn't have sex with that boy, did you?

Chelsea: Not according to Dad.

What did a blonde's mother tell her blonde daughter?

If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

An attorney called the governor just after midnight,...

...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

I love eating food at midnight

It's pasta bed time!

The most dangerous thing about the World Cup being held in Russia

is ensuring the Kremlin doesn't eat after midnight

I snuck downstairs to make pancakes at midnight last night

It took a couple hours and I didn't want to wake anyone going back up.

I stuck some pancakes to my feet and crepèd back up the stairs.

The car of a woman stops at midnight

A man come to help her. He start fixing the car.

After he finished, he tells the woman to try and start the car.

"Jesus, make this car start."
"Saint Mary, make this car start."
" St. Peter, make this car start." said the man.

"You must be a very religious Christian man." said the lady.

"No, I am a Muslim " said the man, " I can't wake up our prophet in the middle of the night!"

Dad: "Don't you come back late midnight again...

...Otherwise you'll be coming back next year."

If we are not

if we are not meant to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the fridge ?

An elderly gay gentleman has one too many at a bar on the night before Easter

And throwing trepidation to the winds, he stumbles towards home through Central Park. He gets terribly lost on 110th St. and ends up careering into St. John the Divine just as they're beginning midnight mass. The priest is walking up the aisle and swinging the censor when the man runs up to him and hisses, "sweetie, I love the dress, but your *handbag is on fire.*"

A wife leaves her husband some canned fish for dinner and a note that says, "I'm going to be back by midnight."

The husband picks up the note and it reads, "Stand in hot water for ten minutes before you open it." So he does.

The next morning, his wife asks him how's the fish, to which he answers, "It tastes delicious but, my feet hurt."

The meek little husband came home from work

and found his wife in the arms of a stranger man. Angrily he threw his hat and coat to the floor and screamed.



"So that's the kind of a wife you are! I leave you early in the morning, I work like a dog all day and I come home after midnight and what do I find -- NOTHING TO EAT! That I won't stand for!"

On Fridays I'm usually in bed by ten pm....

And home by midnight!

Stevie Wonder has a bet with Tiger Woods on a game of golf, Stevie says I will beat you, so they agree to have a $500,000 bet on it, Stevie says you name the venue and I will name the time, Tiger says OK St Augustus, so what time we playing? Stevie replied.

Midnight.

I came home drunk at 3 in the morning.

"I told you to stop drinking at midnight," she shouted.

"I did," I replied.

She said, "Well, why are you so drunk then?!"

I said, "Because I carried on at 12:01."

I'm going to the new Tom Cruise movie at midnight.

Seeing it on the Edge of Tomorrow.

An old carpenter was carrying a coffin on his head

An old man was carrying a coffin on his head in his bicycle during midnight. He saw a cop standing near a check post who stopped him. The cop asked him why he was carrying coffin on his head. Fearing he might have to bribe the cop he said It was so hot wherever I was buried. I am trying to move to a new burial ground with my coffin . The cop fainted.

Fridge Noises

"Why does my fridge have to sound like a burglar breaking in?" I complained at midnight.

"What kind of fridge do you *have?*" the burglar asked.

I can't find my favorite joke anymore!

I guess I'll have to wait until midnight when it's reposted again.

TIFU by feeding my mogwai after midnight

Whoops, wrong sub.

By the way, if you see one, just throw it in the microwave for like 45 seconds.

The house phone

went at one minute past midnight last night, I answered and went all sombre as I was talking to the wife's Dad.







I came off the phone and told the wife her mother had died of a heart attack. She immediately got up and drove through the night from Cornwall to Aberdeen, she'll just be arriving now. This has to be my best April fools joke yet.

What's the hardest part of making a midnight snack?

The motion detectors.

What do Midnight Wisps fans and moms have in common?

Neither of them like Momo

What did the American say to a British friend at midnight?

Europe.

I don't think I was concentrating properly when midnight struck on January 1st 2000.

It just went in one era and out the other.

Q: why do the gay guys like midnight?

A: twelve DONGS!

[NSFW] How do you tell if your Billy Idol fan girlfriend has a Three Stooges fetish?

In the midnight hour she cried "Moe! Moe! Moe!"

Why did the policeman beat his toddler at midnight?

The child was resisting a rest

After my beloved grandmother died at midnight

It was time for morning

What does a cowboy say during midnight?

It's high moon

Cemetry at midnight is the only place in the world where...

A couple of armed robbers will scare you less than a little lonely girl in a white dress.

Who knows how to tell when it's midnight on an analogue clock?

Hands up.

I haven't showered since last year!

I know it's not midnight yet, but I felt like I had to come clean.

America. America.

Some people say that if you look into a mirror in a darkened room at midnight and say "America" three times, a cop will appear in the mirror and shoot you.

If the Narwhal bacons at midnight, what does it do at noon?

It bakes off.

With oil prices falling...

Burning the midnight oil just got cheaper.

What do you call a midnight run to get ecstasy?

A nocturnal E-mission!!!


I came up with this a few years ago and thought I should share with the masses:)

There is an abundance of cuckoo jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes and midnight puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any morning witze you can hear about midnight.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes