Middle Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why was 10 traumatized?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

Why was 10 scared?

He was in the middle of 9-11

"You're the bomb, no you're the bomb"

A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.

How did 10 die?

because it was in the middle of 9 11.

What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?

They share the same middle name.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.

Coconut.

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

How did 10 die?

He was caught in the middle of 9/11

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Cr

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex?

can't wait to get out of prison.

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

You the bomb.

No, you the bomb.

A compliment in America.

An argument in the Middle East.

What begins with a " C" ends with a "T" has a "U and a "N" in it, is hairy on the outside and wet in the middle.

A coconut.

A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground?

I dunno, I just fly the drone.

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"

The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

I'm in the middle of hanging myself.

The suspense is killing me.

My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."

Dad, you're using Uber.

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night

"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"

"I've had 8 drinks, officer."

"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

Drunk driving or...?

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

Why is your nose in middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

"You're the bomb"

A compliment in USA.
An argument in the Middle East.

In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.

I just need to talk her into it now.

A burglar entered my house

In the middle of the night so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was looking for money so I got up and searched with him :(

My blonde girlfriend froze

In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative facial expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".

2 Priests stop at a random police checkpoint in the middle of the road...

A police officer tells the driver "We're looking for 2 pedophiles."

The driver says "Just one minute", rolls his window up, and starts arguing intensely with the other priest in the passenger seat.

He rolls his window back down, looks up at the cop and says "Ya, we'd be up for it!"

I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market

It was bazaar

I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean

A dell must be rolling in the deep

Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.

Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...

Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire

What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

"I know what you have been sucking on"

My nephew has a habit of sucking his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that suck their thumbs become fat.

At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been sucking on" in the middle of the store.

Why was 10 afraid?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

Why is Stephen such a neutral name?

Because its pH is in the middle.

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

What do Winnie the Pooh and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Their middle name.

There are three men in a boat in the middle of the ocean with four cigarettes, no lighter or any matches. What do they do?

They throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?

Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

As a middle class first world citizen, I still feel I know just as much about working in a sweatshop in China as the children themselves.

After all, I've walked a mile in their shoes.

Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley

In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."

Slash has always been in AC/DC...

...he is in the middle

I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday

I just felafel afterwards.

Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread?

The middle yeast

Last week was National Middle Child Week!

Nobody noticed...

Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?

They don't want to wear out the camel.

3 men go on a trip.....

They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.

After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a handjob last night."

The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a handjob too! What a coincidence! "

The man in the middle said, "I dreamed I was skiing."

Three guys go on a ski trip...

...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best handjob of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"

Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having sex with a young girl...

Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having sex with a young girl and says:
Sherlock, what are you doing? This girl looks like she's in middle school.
Sherlock: Elementary, dear Watson.

[Blonde Joke] Two blondes are walking in the forest and they come across some tracks. They start arguing about what animal they belong to.

In the middle of their heated argument they got run over by a train.

Nerd joke.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it! Newton replies You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!

100 camels

A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get back home.

Why is there no walmarts in the middle east?

Because there are targets on every single corner.

3 friends are sharing one bed in a motel room

As they're waking up in the morning, the friend on the left says, "Man, I had the best dream last night that I was getting a hand job!" The friend on the right says, "That's crazy! I had the exact same dream!" Then the friend in the middle says, "Really?! I had a dream I was skiing".

The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..

They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It's not because they're worried about spies cracking the codes. It's just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can't tweet them out.

Why was 6 afraid of 10?

Because 10 was in the middle of 9,11...

What's the most popular pub in the Middle East?

The Allahu ak-Bar

A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.

A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."

What's in the middle of girls' legs?

Their knee.

Mutual Agreement

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

A thief entered a house one mid-afternoon to find...

a couple in the middle of lovemaking. He tied up the woman and at gun-point asked the man to handover all their money and jewellery. The man started sobbing and said, "Brother, take anything you want. But please, untie the rope and let her go." The thief replied, "You must really love your wife, having no regard for your own safety." The man said, "No, she's my neighbour's wife. Mine will be back shortly!"

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

An old russian joke I heard a long time ago

In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"

The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"

Why was the middle aged computer sad?

He had a floppy disc.

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"

A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.

When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."

"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.

"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.

"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.

I don't watch the news anymore

I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.

Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road...

...that's the word on the street anyway.

If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...

..you get baked.

...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.

Three guys in a bed....

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

What do they call spiders in the Middle East?

Iraqnids

So a guy wakes up in the middle of an operation

He screams and says to the doctor "What are you doing, don't do that." The doctor says "Fine, suture self."

I told a good drone joke in arabic

It went over american's heads, but it killed in the middle east

What are the funniest middle jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Middle? Well, here are the best Middle puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Middle pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes