Heartwarming Middle Jokes that Make You Laugh
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.
Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...
Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire
100 camels
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get back home.
Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley
In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."
My blonde girlfriend froze
In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative f**... expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".
What's the difference between a Pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground?
I dunno, I just fly the drone.
Whats Kim Kardashian and the Middle East got in common?
Both are covered in oil, huge, and been invaded by the West.
A burglar entered my house
In the middle of the night so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was looking for money so I got up and searched with him :(
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?
American girls get s**... BEFORE they commit adultery.
Nerd joke.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims Newton! I found you! You're it! Newton replies You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!
You can explore middle midlife reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean middle schoolers dad jokes. There are also middle puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Three guys go on a ski trip...
...they arrive at the hotel only to find out that there is only one room available, and it has only one bed. They have a great day skiing and then go to sleep. The next day, they wake up. The guy on the left says "I had a dream that this beautiful woman was giving me the best h**... of my life!" The guy on the right says "I had the same dream!" The guy in the middle says "I had a dream I was skiing!"
What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court?
Annette.
Last week was National Middle Child Week!
Nobody noticed...
There are three men in a boat in the middle of the ocean with four cigarettes, no lighter or any matches. What do they do?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?
What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.
Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and s**... education on the same day in the Middle East?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread?
The middle yeast
I failed my chemistry lab exam.
I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
Why was 10 afraid?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11
3 men go on a trip.....
They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.
After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a h**... last night."
The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a h**... too! What a coincidence! "
The man in the middle said, "I dreamed I was skiing."
I'm in the middle of hanging myself.
The suspense is killing me.
I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday
I just felafel afterwards.
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...
It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!
Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "j**...".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
A middle school boy comes home crying...
His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They both have the same middle name.
You the bomb.
No, you the bomb.
A compliment in America.
An argument in the Middle East.
As a middle class first world citizen, I still feel I know just as much about working in a sweatshop in China as the children themselves.
After all, I've walked a mile in their shoes.
I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market
It was bazaar
In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided s**... was the only option.
I just need to talk her into it now.
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?
They share the same middle name.
My wife is so much better looking than me...
...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
Cr
My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."
Dad, you're using Uber.
A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night
"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."
I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean
A dell must be rolling in the deep
Why is your nose in middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having s**... with a young girl...
Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having s**... with a young girl and says:
Sherlock, what are you doing? This girl looks like she's in middle school.
Sherlock: Elementary, dear Watson.
"You're the bomb, no you're the bomb"
A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.
"I know what you have been s**... on"
My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.
A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...
When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"
I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that s**... is the only way out…
Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
Slash has always been in AC/DC...
...he is in the middle
Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.
Coconut.
How did 10 die?
because it was in the middle of 9 11.
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
What do Winnie the Pooh and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Their middle name.
Why is Stephen such a neutral name?
Because its pH is in the middle.
Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.
I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.
How did 10 die?
He was caught in the middle of 9/11
Why was 10 scared?
He was in the middle of 9-11
Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?
I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel
You might be too weak to lift your middle finger
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.
My wife was giving a speech at her parents' wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.
Now I'll never hear the end of it.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...
As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.
"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"
"Linda," the wife replies meekly.
"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"
"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."
Here's a joke for English and irish
So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.
My friend didn't believe me that Slash was in AC/DC
C'mon he is right there in the middle
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.
She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.
"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.
He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"
"Yes"
"And do you remember the first time we had s**...?"
She smiled and answered, "Of course."
"And you remember how your Dad caught us."
She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"
"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"
"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.
He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."
A pessimist sees only the tunnel. An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. A realist thinks the light is probably inside the tunnel.
A train driver sees three idiots standing in the middle of the track
Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East
...but ISIS
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
Bob was in trouble
He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night
Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says: "I gotta admit I'm scared out here."
The other replies: "You're scared... I gotta walk back alone!"
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car...
One nun says to the other Quick sister, show him your cross!
The other nun rolls down the window and yells Get the b**... h**... out of middle of the road a**...!
What do Paul the Apostle and Jack the Ripper have in common?
They have the same middle name.
Why does 10 have PTSD?
Because it was in the middle of 9 11.
A man is pulled over by the police
The officer says to him "Sir, I simply cannot let you continue driving. You were speeding, and not only that, you were driving down the middle of the road!"
The man says, "It's okay, officer, I have a permit from the DMV that says it's fine if I do that."
The police officer is incredulous and demands to see this permit. The man pulls out a printed piece of paper from the DMV and says "See? It says right here: tear down the dotted line."
Proud Dad momemt
My 10 year old daughter just asked me "Dad, what do you do when you break your arm in several places?" I was in the middle of going over some work and said " I'm not sure" her reply was " You stop going to those places."
***Happy tear follows***
A racist man called me a t**... for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
What did they call puberty in the middle ages?
A midlife crisis
A couple wakes up in the middle of the night to find a thief in their bedroom
The thief points a gun at the couple.
"Now that you've seen me, I have to kill you both. Tell me your names and you won't suffer. I remember all my victims by their names."
The woman says "Stephanie."
"Wow. I can't kill you after all.. Stephanie was my Mother's name."
He points the gun at the man and asks his name.
"Phil. But all my friends call me Stephanie."
What do Dora The Explorer and Jack The Ripper have incommon
Same middle name
Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but do you know why 10 was scared?
10 was in the middle of 9 11.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant;
in India they didn't know what 'honest' meant;
in Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant;
in China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant;
in the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant;
in South America they didn't know what 'please' meant;
in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
Three pieces of string walk into a bar.
String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.
The barman says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here.'
So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, 'They don't serve strings here'.
Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.
So string 3 gets up, ties himself around the middle, and he pulls his ends out. And he proceeds to order drinks.
The barman says, 'here, aren't you one of those pieces of string?'
And the piece of string, he says, 'No, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
From ***Neverwhere*** by Neil Gaiman
Poll: Have You Ever Watched Malcom in the Middle?
[YES]
[NO]
[MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW]
[CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?]
Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance.
But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.
An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives?
The flambuoyants.
Three engineers
Three engineers are riding in a car. A Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer and a Computer Engineer.
The car suddenly stops running in the middle of the street. The Mechanical Engineer says, "I know what's wrong. It is a mechanical problem and I can fix it."
The Electrical Engineer say, "No! It is an electrical problem and I can fix it."
The Computer Engineer says, "I don't know what is wrong, but if we all get out of the car and then get back in, maybe it will start."
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
To get to the other side
"If there are two idiots in the room, please stand up . . ."
The sarcastic teacher said this before surveying the room with a smarmy smile.
After a long silence, a lone student stands up in the middle of the classroom.
"I honestly didn't expect anyone to stand up. Mister, why do you consider yourself and an idiot?" The teacher asks this with a sneer.
"Well actually, I don't think I am," the student replied timidly, "but it didn't seem right to let you stand up alone."
According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.
Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.
Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.
Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the case tirelessly.
A construction worker calls his wife in the middle of the day.
Honey, I'm in the hospital, I lost a finger.
Oh my goodness, she exclaims, The whole finger? No, no. He replies, The one next to it.
I've just checked my home insurance policy
and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm not covered.
A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.
His co-worker asks him Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?
I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it, Jim grumbles.
How'd you get a flat?
Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.
In the middle of a crosswalk? Didn't you see it?
Nah - d**... kid had it under his coat.
