Middle Jokes
187 middle jokes and hilarious middle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about middle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for some humor to share with friends and family? Look no further than this collection of jokes about middle-aged topics from spots to midlife! Enjoy some laughs with these funny jokes about being a middle child, middle school math, the middle finger, and more.
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Funniest Middle Short Jokes
Short middle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The middle humour may include short medium jokes also.
- "You're the bomb, no you're the bomb" A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.
- What do kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They share the same middle name.
- In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo. All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
- Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle. Coconut.
- Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
- My wife is so much better looking than me... ...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
Cr - Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.
- Nowadays, you don't run into many guys named Lance. But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.
- Poll: Have You Ever Watched Malcom in the Middle? [YES]
[NO]
[MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW]
[CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?] - What's the difference between a pakistani middle school and an Al Qaeda training ground? I dunno, I just fly the drone.
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Middle One Liners
Which middle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with middle? I can suggest the ones about half and medium sized.
- Why was 10 traumatized? Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
- How did 10 die? because it was in the middle of 9 11.
- An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives? The flambuoyants.
- My friend didn't believe me that Slash was in AC/DC C'mon he is right there in the middle
- What did they call puberty in the middle ages? A midlife crisis
- What do dora The Explorer and Jack The Ripper have incommon Same middle name
- I dropped my laptop in the middle of the ocean A dell must be rolling in the deep
- What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
- Why do you never see a flock of seagulls in the middle east? Because Iran's so far away
- Why is Stephen such a neutral name? Because its pH is in the middle.
- What do Winnie the Pooh and Vlad the Impaler have in common? Their middle name.
- Slash has always been in AC/DC... ...he is in the middle
- I had some bad middle eastern food yesterday I just felafel afterwards.
- Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread? The middle yeast
- Last week was National Middle Child Week! Nobody noticed...
Middle East Jokes
Here is a list of funny middle east jokes and even better middle east puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did I see while on vacation in the Middle-East? I Saudi Arabian Desert.
- What's the most popular pub in the Middle East? The Allahu ak-Bar
- What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East? Low rents of Arabia.
- What do they call spiders in the Middle East? Iraqnids
- I told a good drone joke in arabic It went over american's heads, but it killed in the middle east
- Why don't they celebrate New Year's Eve in the Middle East? Cause there's no one left when the clock hits zero
- Could you imagine a market in the Middle East? Because that would be bazaar
- Why did Moses vote for Al Gore? Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.
- I heard that ' Call of Duty' has a different name in the Middle East. They call it "The Sims".
- Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
Middle Aged Jokes
Here is a list of funny middle aged jokes and even better middle aged puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was the middle aged computer sad? He had a floppy disc.
- I met up with my internet friend yesterday. We were both disappointed when we realised we were both middle aged men, and not 10-year-old girls.
- As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking Are you my tinder date?
- Olympic Sailing results are in! Denmark have taken gold
Finland have taken silver
Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise - Sometime in the Middle Ages Queen: come to bed
King: not until i have a name for my soldiers
Queen: k night
King: babe ur a genius
(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter) - Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number. If my wife answers, just hang-up
- What do you call a wicked doctor from the Middle Ages? Med evil!
- What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common? When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."
- I heard Dreamworks next picture will be about ale drinking in the Middle Ages... It's called "How to Drain Your Flagon".
- romantic comedy about middle aged people playing tennis 40-love
Middle Eastern Jokes
Here is a list of funny middle eastern jokes and even better middle eastern puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men." Dad, you're using Uber.
- I felt a rush of culture shock wash over me as I walked through a middle eastern market It was bazaar
- Apparently they're making a Middle Eastern version of 'The Flintstones'... ...and while Dubai doesn't like it, Abu Dhabi do.
- Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning... I falafel.
- I want to open a restaurant that fuses Chinese and Middle Eastern cuisine I call it "Wok like an Egyptian".
- My Middle Eastern dad has learned English from watching infomercials. So when I would get in trouble as a kid and get punished, he would finish by saying "But wait, there's more!"
- I had too much Middle Eastern food today. Now I falafel.
- For some reason I'm only afraid of Middle Eastern spiders... It's O.K. though. My doctor says it's normal to be Iraqnaphobic.
- Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies. Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.
- What's the name for a Middle Eastern fowl that can bowl three strikes in a row? Turkey turkey turkey
Middle School Jokes
Here is a list of funny middle school jokes and even better middle school puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What happens if you skip school in Middle-Earth? You shall not pass!
- A group of vaping college students is called a smog. A group of vaping middle school students is called down to the principal's office.
- You guys! I'm so excited, I just hooked up with my crush from middle school. ...but now she keeps calling me expecting me to show up at her graduation.
- I got A's in elementary school. I got C's in middle school. In high school, I got D's and boy did my grades improve.
- What's the difference between a middle school flute player and a dress maker Dress makers tuck up frills
- I just watched the movie 1917, and it reminded me of the lunch line in middle school.
- I felt a little behind in Middle School It was a major bummer when the cops found out :(
- My middle school chemistry teacher once told us... "Alcohol is not a solution, it's a distillation" \*smirks\*
- What do fish in middle school worry about? Shellfishteem.
- What's worse than peaking in high school? Climaxing to middle schoolers.
Middle Child Jokes
Here is a list of funny middle child jokes and even better middle child puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Danny and Kathy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage... Then comes watching your child slowly die because you were too upper middle class to vaccinate them.
- Trouble of Child's name. Question: Why do parents give children a middle name?
Answer: So the child knows when it is in seriously in trouble - Happy Middle Child Day! It was yesterday.....
...yesterday is always Middle Child Day. - Why is Steve Jobs middle child unemployed? Because he's always inbetween jobs.
- Happy Middle Child's Day! Oh you didn't realise it was Middle Child's Day? Of course not, no one ever does.
- A woman was quite upset to find that her partner had named their child Fuh. But she was even more upset that the child's middle name was Q.
- The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- If my child was mentally slow . Its' first name would be Speed and middle name would be Limit
Heartwarming Middle Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about middle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean late jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make middle pranks.
So a guy wakes up in the middle of an operation
He screams and says to the doctor "What are you doing, don't do that." The doctor says "Fine, suture self."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson....
...were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
A middle school in Oregon
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Excuse for speeding
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.
The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket b**... its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud c**... the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and.......
The coffin stops
A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.
Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...
Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two genies in a deserted house..
A guy gets lost in a desert and stumbles upon a house s**... bang in the middle of the desert. After ascertaining that it wasn't a mirage, he enters the house and sees three doors and a lamp at the entrance of the house.
He rubs it and out pop two genies, who are very grateful and decide to grant the man three wishes.
"Before you open each of these doors, wish for what you want most and then open the door."
So he goes upto the first door, closes his eyes for a moment and then enters the room to find all kinds of riches.
He follows the same process and enters the second room and is greeted by the most beautiful women in the world all eager to please him in every possible way.
When he finally makes his third wish and enters the third room, a noose appears from the ceiling and within minutes, the man is dead.
As the two genies leave the house and traverse the desert, one of them turns to the other and says sadly, "I just don't understand. He didn't look suicidal. What was his third wish?"
To which the other genie replies, "Yeah I have no idea why he wished to be hung like a black man."
Obligatory addition: *And then the other genie fainted.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
Lipstick Girls
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.
A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cats and ladders
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fire-fighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's t**....
"Little partner," the fire-fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
100 camels
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you for your woman."
After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."
The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"
The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get back home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
May I have a piece of gum?
Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket b**... its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud c**... the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops
So a blonde died and went to Heaven.
God was at the gate and said to her, "Before entering, you will see 10 angels, and each one of them will tell you a joke. If you manage to not laugh at all, you may enter."
The blonde walked up to the first angel, listened to the joke and did not laugh.
She then went to the second and again did not laugh.
This happened every time and she finally reached to the last angel.
When the last angel was at the middle of the joke, the blonde started laughing REALLY HARD.
The angel then asked, "Woah, is my joke really that funny?"
The Blonde, laughing non-stop, said, "No... I JUST GOT THE FIRST JOKE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All the letters were having a discussion.
Suddenly they discovered letter T is absent. They called him up and T said, "wait I'm in the middle of something."
(Might be a s**... joke but I made it myself, hence posting)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three homeless guys got drunk and passed out side by side in an alley
In the morning the first guy wakes up and says "I dreamt someone was jerking me off last night!". The second guys says, "that's funny, me too!" The guy in the middle said, "Not me, I dreamt I was skiing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My blonde girlfriend froze
In the middle of love making so I gave her an interrogative f**... expression. " oh..I saw this on youporn" she said," they call it bufferring".
An old russian joke I heard a long time ago
In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"
The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?
American girls get s**... BEFORE they commit adultery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If life was like middle school
Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?
Criminal: Nope
Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.
Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!
Judge: I don't care who started it.
What's in the middle of girls' legs?
Their knee.
The Flintstones
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does an american teenager and a middle eastern feminist have in common?
They're both getting s**....
A middle-aged teacher named Mrs. Jackson saw one of her first grade boys making rude faces at the preschoolers on the playground
She said "You know, Liam, when I was a little girl I was told that if I made ugly faces it might freeze and stay like that."
Liam replied "Well sorry Mrs. Jackson, but you can't say you weren't warned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?
What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.
Someone dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road...
...that's the word on the street anyway.
I failed my chemistry lab exam.
I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 men go on a trip.....
They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.
After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a h**... last night."
The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a h**... too! What a coincidence! "
The man in the middle said, "I dreamed I was skiing."
A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"
A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.
When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."
"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.
"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.
"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for s**...?
can't wait to get out of prison.
My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...
It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night
To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "j**...".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.
I hate it when people lie to me
Like one time I broke up with a girl who told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and it isn't even a real magazine.
So I just up and packed my things and left right there in the middle of the night.
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...
The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't watch the news anymore
I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israel officially decriminalizes m**... use
So that's one country in the middle east where I wouldn't mind being s**....
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having s**... with a young girl...
Dr. Watson catches Sherlock having s**... with a young girl and says:
Sherlock, what are you doing? This girl looks like she's in middle school.
Sherlock: Elementary, dear Watson.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is there no walmarts in the middle east?
Because there are targets on every single corner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I know what you have been s**... on"
My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.
My first name is Greatest, last name Ever
Middle name "Mistake"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...
When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.
"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that s**... is the only way out…
Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..
They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It's not because they're worried about spies cracking the codes. It's just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can't tweet them out.
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...
..you get baked.
...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.
Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel
You might be too weak to lift your middle finger
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
