Microphone Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!

A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*

he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

There's this new cryptocurrency called Decibel. You just yell in your microphone to get money...

It's a sound investment.

I feel bad for the hypnotist I saw yesterday

He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed:
F*ck me

National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu

For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online.

" The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system

as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
All of the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don't forget the coffee!"

At a U2 concert..

At a U2 concert in Glasglow Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...
"Well, fucking stop doing it , Ya evil bastard!"

So a blonde goes to a lying competition...

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.

The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.


( i think this is original, it works better the way my father said it in hindi, but it I hope yall like it)

The pilot gets ready for the flight

"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says.
After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on.
"Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick".
Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them.
While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"

And the peanuts...please...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don't forget the coffee!

Coffee and A blowjob

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, 'What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.'

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says 'Don't forget the coffee!'

Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off.......

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers:

"Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning"


A ghostly Silence reigned!

He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers:

"I sincerely apologise for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...you should see my pants."


One passenger replies -

"Why don't you come here and see Our PANTS"!

Sex and coffee

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some great sex." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off...

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"

A ghostly silence reigned.

He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!"

One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 8 fellas but dropped his microphone on his foot.......and shouted "Fuck me!"

What happened next will haunt me for life!!

I STARTED MY NEW JOB....


I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.

My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."

Bono asked for silence at a gig in Scotland...

In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"

So a blonde is invited to a Lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.

The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.

Ooooh it's ever so sad

At a boat rental company, the radio operator said into the microphone: "boat 99, your hour is up, please head in."
An employee walks up to him and says: "We only have 75 boats, sir there is no boat 99."
The radio operator says: "Boat 66, are you in trouble?"

A boy is making sure a microphone works for an open bar stand up night.

Aa boy, not much older than 12 or 13, comes up to the mic and says
"Ice, ice, icicle".
"Pop, pop, popsicle".
"Test," and the crowd stares in horror as the inevitable is going to happen.
"Test, testing one two three"

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I witnessed last night...

He hypnotised seven pro wrestlers and as he was coming round to hypnotising number eight, he drops the microphone on his foot and yells: "Fuck me!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life...

A pilot is on the microphone before the flight begins...

Well hello there folks, today is a great day to fly! Perfect weather, clear skies. It should take us an hour to get to Miami. Miami has amazing weather this....

After concluding his long speech, he lays back in his chair, forgetting to turn off the mic. He starts talking with his co pilot.

Man, today is a shitty day. You know what I need on a day like this?

What?

A coffee and a blowjob.

The whole plane hears this, and a few passengers start giggling. A female flight attendant starts moving up the aisle to tell the pilot his mic is on.

A passenger yells, Hey lady! You forgot the coffee!

During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"

Pilots are workers too

I was taking a plane inside of the US, after the Pilot finshed talking in the microphone regarding security he forgot to turn it off. He had no idea the microphone was on and said to his COpilot
"I could really use a blowjob and some coffee right now".

A stewardess rushed through the plane to tell him that he forgot to turn of the microphone. While she's running one of the passengers yells
"Don't forget the coffee!"

From the move "Good will hunting"

I went to a High School pep rally....

The principal had announced earlier that day that he would make an inspirational speech for us. At the rally, he walked up to the microphone for his speech. But, all he did was look at the crowd, smiled, and stepped down.

We were left speechless.

Will Hunting

I was on this plane once and the pilot gets on the microphone and says, we have now reached our cruising altitude and he left the mic on. He turns to the co-pilot and says, all I really want right now is a blowjob and a coffee. A stuartist then comes bombing down the plane to tell the pilot he left his mic on, when a guy in the back of plane yells, hey, don't forget the coffee.

Slow down love

2 pilots are about to touchdown at the Melbourne Airport.
They start talking about what they are going to do after they land not knowing that they left the microphone on for everyone to hear.
one of them says im gonna have a beer, take a shit and bang one of the hot flight attendants at the back. the flight attendant runs to front to tell him to turn of the microphone as she trips over an old ladies handbag. the old lady bends over and says...
slow down love he has to take a shit first.

Politicians should start every speech by farting into the microphone.

If they're going to talk out their ass, the could at least be honest about it.

Pilot's Message

After delivering a message over the plane's loudspeaker, an airline pilot did not realize the microphone was still on. He looks over to the co-pilot and instructs, Take over for a little bit, I'm going to take a shit and bang the flight attendant. Outraged that the pilot had mistakenly relayed his message to everyone on the plane, the flight attendant bolts down the aisle of the plane towards the cockpit. To her dismay, she trips over an old lady's leg who immediately reacts by saying, Why the rush, dear? You heard the man say he had to take a shit first!

A Magician hypnotizes seven men...

A magician calls out that he needs seven volunteers from the audience.

As expected, multiple members of the audience raise their hands.

He picks out seven men from the crowd, and as expected they come up on stage, and the Magician proceeds to hypnotize all seven of the men.

He motions to speak into the microphone once more, but the chord gets snagged on one of the guy's shoes and ultimately drops onto the magician's foot.

In pain, he cries out "Fuck me!".

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Bono and the Scotsman

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …

Well, stop fuckin doin it then, ya evil bastard!

So I was on a plane when the pilot makes his announcement..

"We will be arriving at our destination in 3 hours..." But he forgot to turn off the microphone and says to his co-pilot "Ahhh, I could really do with a BJ and a coffee right now!". So a flight attendant runs to the front of the plane and as she ran past I then said "HEY! Don't forget the coffee!"

Poetry Competition

The two finalists at the annual poetry competition were an Ivy League college graduate and a redneck. The final stage of the competition was to write a rhyming poem using the word *Timbuktu.* The college graduate stands up to the microphone and starts.

>A desert caravan astray beneath a dusk deep blue

>On a path unknown the camels walk two by two

>Men search the stars for a bearing true

>Destination Timbuktu

The crowd erupted with applause then settled back into their seats. The redneck approaches the microphone, clears his throat and begins to speak.

>Me n' Tim a huntin' went

>Met three whores in a pop up tent

>They was three and we was two

>So I buck'd one and Tim-buck'd-two





You probably already know this one

One man was in an airplane and when they started "flying" the pilot turned on the Mic to say the usual:"we are (some number) feet above the ground". But then he forgot to turn the Mic off and he says to the co-pilot while everyone is listening:"God! Right now, all I want is a coffee and a good blowjob". Thus, obviously, a super hot flight attendant goes running to tell the pilot the microphone is on, then, some guy screams:"YOU FORGOT THE COFFEE!!!"

A man walks into a bar with a giant microphone.

A man walks into a bar with a giant microphone. He sits it down next to him on a stool and asks the bartender for a drink.

"Yeah, I'll get ya a drink champ. But first ya gatta tell me about the... uh..." The bartender says, gesturing towards the microphone.

"Oh yeah, sure" the man replied calmly, " I stole God's Microphone."

"I don't believe you." said the bartender, laughing him off.

"Alright then. Here. I'll show you." He said as he brushed off a thick layer of dust and turned it on.

He then cleared his throat and declared, in a very deep, God like voice,

"Go fuck yourself."

The voice boomed and seemed to emanate from everywhere, the ground, the ceiling, the very air itself reverberated the mans message.

The bartender and everyone in the bar stood speechless.

After a moment a extremely startled priest runs into the bar.

"Did'ja just hear that?" asked the bartender.

"Sure did!" the priest exclaimed, grabbing a patrons drink and downing it,

"But that's nothing compared to what the nuns are doing!"

Irish Wedding

A wild, Irish wedding reception is brought to a premature end when Paddy grabs the microphone and announces, "The party is over. We have run out of booze, there is no food left, and somebody has fucked the bride."


As everyone is heading towards the doors discussing what had happened, another announcement is made, "It is okay, folks, you can come back. We have found another case of Guinness, Maureen is making some sandwiches, and the guy who fucked the bride has apologized."

Fart contest

There was a farting contest in town.

The first contestant came in front of the microphone and played *Twinkle twinkle little star*. Applauses followed as he went down the stage.

Next, the second one played *When the saints come Marching in*. Everybody stood up to applaud this time.

The third one, came up the stage with a serious look in his face. But instead of a song, he said "To be honest, I wasn't expecting this level of expertise and preparation from my adversaries. I don't feel like I'm at the same level than those guys, so I'm going to retire from the contest. Thank you very much."

After those words, he got the microphone out of his ass and left the stage.

I just realized the sub's logo is a microphone.

There's no joke. Just wanted to let you know.

A man gets a new job...

A man gets a new job as a bingo caller.

On his first night, about 10 minutes into it, he lets rip with a mammoth fart.

The supervisor comes over to him and says "don't do that again!"

"Sorry mate" the man says, "it must be the nerves."

"Fair enough, but you didn't have to hold the microphone up to your arse"

Rudy Gobert jokes about Coronavirus

Rudy Gobert tested positive for coronavirus. This brought NBA to a halt. On Monday, he had joked about the virus by touching microphones.

The Hypnotist

A hypnotist was performing when he had a group of six men all under his control. When he said 'stand", they stood. When he said "bark like a dog", they barked. He then dropped the microphone and said "fuck me". What happened next was horrific.

Next time you have to test a microphone:

"Ice, ice, icicle. Bice, bice, bicycle. Test, test, testing 1, 2, 3."

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone: " I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.".. A voice from the front of the audience yells out: "Then fuckin stop clapping, ya fuckin cunt"

Went to the store yesterday to buy a cherry and a microphone stand.

Bought a Bing, bought a boom.

If Hitler made a Microphone company...

...it'd be called "The Third Mic".

Hypnotist

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night at the show in Paris. He hypnotized 7 guys then tripped over the microphone and yelled "Baise moi"......What happened next will haunt me forever...

I have a Polish friend who does microphone tests for bands.

I have a Czech one two. Czech one two. Czech one two.

An airliner is in flight and the captain...

gets on the mic with the usual "we'll be cruising at x altitude" and "traveling at y velocity" "arriving at" etc etc and finally ending with "enjoy your flight with yada Airlines". Unfortunately he then neglected to shut of the microphone . So the next thing everyone hears is the Captain saying to the co-pilot, " man those last few drinks upset my stomach. You are in charge for a while...I'm gonna go take a shit"... "and Then I'm gonna try to get that stewardess to blow me, so it might be a while..." The stewardess is mortified and quickly runs to the cockpit to inform the captain about the indiscrepancy. Just then an old lady yells "What's the big hurry honey?, he said he was gonna take a shit first!"

Airplane open mic.

Airline pilot is going through his preflight introduction to the passengers.
"I'm Captain Wilson. We will be flying at 30,000 feet and should be in Denver in about 2 hours. Please relax and enjoy your flight."
After he is finished, thinking he has turned off the microphone, leans over to the co-pilot and jokes, " I would really like a cup of coffee, and a blow job."
The stewardess upon hearing this in the back of the plane rushes toward the cockpit. As she heads up the aisle, one of the passengers shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

I'm pretty sure I successfully repaired my friends microphone the other day

Still waiting for feedback

Did you hear about the chemist who mistook his measuring cylinder for a microphone?

He spoke volumes.

I always carry a microphone and some lube...

in case I need to bust a nut and a rhyme at the same time

What happens when if you eat a microphone?

You end up with a stomach bug.

What are the funniest microphone jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Microphone? Well, here are the best Microphone puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Microphone pick up lines to share with friends.

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