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Michael Jokes

179 michael jokes and hilarious michael puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about michael that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article brings you the best of Michael jokes, with hilarity from Michael Scott and Michael Myers to Michael McIntyre and Michael Blackson. Enjoy some of the silliest and darkest jokes from these beloved Michaels, plus online favorites Superbad and Andrew.

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Funniest Michael Short Jokes

Short michael jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The michael humour may include short michael phelps jokes also.

  1. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it? A surname/last name
  2. Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends... I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.
  3. Why does Michael J. Fox make really good milkshakes? Because he's rich and can afford the best ingredients
  4. My wife just told me that Michael Nesmith from The Monkees just died. At first, I didn't believe it.
    But then I saw her face.
  5. You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game? It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.
  6. I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 michael jackson parody today but I realized That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.
  7. Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants. He could have called it Billie Jeans.
    Those prices are THRILLER!
    No one can BEAT IT!
    Kids pants would be half off there.
  8. If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring? Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
  9. I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias
  10. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ? Disney Movies still touch kids

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Michael One Liners

Which michael one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with michael? I can suggest the ones about michael j fox and michael bay.

  1. Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone... Because he's dead
  2. Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
  3. What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow? Billy's jeans
  4. Why is Michael Jackson bad at bowling? Because He's dead.
  5. When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
  6. Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he is dead.
  7. I just listened to a Michael Jackson album It was Bad to be honest
  8. Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM (George Michael)
  9. What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess? C4
  10. What do you call Michael Bublé's identical twin brother? Michael Dublé! :D
  11. Why did Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds? There's 20 of them
  12. Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player. He was big in the minors.
  13. What is Michael Bay's favorite phone? Note 7
  14. What do you get when you cast Michael J. Fox as Walter White? Shaking Bad.
  15. I only have one Michael Jackson album it's Bad

Michael Jackson Jokes

Here is a list of funny michael jackson jokes and even better michael jackson puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers.
  • What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag? One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...
    And the other carries groceries.
  • What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson? Harambe got punished for touching little kids.
  • Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson? Do you want to be black, or white?
  • What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
  • I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. I'm not sure which race yet.
  • -Mom, is God black or white? \-Both, mother answers
    \-Is he male of female?
    \-Both
    \-Mom, is Michael Jackson God?
  • What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? One is white and scares young children and the other is a ghost.
  • Why can't Michael Jackson go within 200m of a school? Because he's dead
  • I identify as Michael Jackson My pronouns are he/hee

Michael J Fox Jokes

Here is a list of funny michael j fox jokes and even better michael j fox puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar.
    Michael J. Fox is the bartender.
    James Bond says "I'll have a martini."
    He does not need to specify.
  • Who is James Bond's favorite bartender? Michael J Fox
  • How do you turn a cobra into a rattlesnake? Give it to Michael J Fox
  • What do you call Michael J. Fox spinning around in a chair? A fidget spinner
  • Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!
  • I met Michael J Fox yesterday... I was going to shake his hand but remembered it does that on its own.
  • Who makes the best milkshakes ever? Michael J. Fox.
  • No one is more excited for today than Michael J. Fox... He's been shaking with anticipation for the last 25 years.
  • Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle? Nobody can.
  • Do you think Michael J Fox....? Do you think Michael J Fox ever gets an answer out of an 8-Ball?

George Michael Jokes

Here is a list of funny george michael jokes and even better george michael puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you get when you mix Dr. Seuss with George Michael? Green Eggs and Wham!
  • What to watch on TV tonight A few days ago, I was watching George Michael videos. A couple of days ago, it was a Star Wars marathon. Tonight? The Apprentice.
  • What's the only thing that could have saved George Michael? A whambulance
  • Who knew George Michael's "Last Christmas"... was about the coroner?
  • Did you hear about the Mexican George Michael tribute act? He's called Carlos Whisper
  • The opposite of George Strait... is George Michaels
  • Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts? He found his lack of Faith disturbing.
  • George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them... Careless Swissper
  • On the topic of George Michael... I guess you could say it was his "Last Christmas".
    Too soon?
  • George Michael was once a little-known musician, but once he finally hit the charts... Wham! He was a superstar.

Michael Bay Jokes

Here is a list of funny michael bay jokes and even better michael bay puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When Transformers was filmed in Detroit Michael Bay had to use CGI to repair buildings
  • What does Michael Bay use to tell a story? Explosition.
  • What do Michael Bay and a priest offer a young boy? Hollywood and Holy wood respectively.
  • Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs? Michael Bay Leaves
  • What's every movie critic's favorite cooking ingredient? Michael Bay Leaves.
  • George R.R. Martin tweeted that he directed 2016. This year will be Michael Bay... Oh wait that was 2001
  • What's a spice with explosive flavor? MICHAEL BAY LEAF
  • What do you call a cooking show with not enough explosions? Michael Bay Leaves
  • Michael Bay has just recently announced the title of his next gritty reboot of a kids TV show: Ed, Edd, and Edgy
  • I heard there was a video leak from the set of a new Michael Bay movie... It's being filmed at some port in China.

Michael Scott Jokes

Here is a list of funny michael scott jokes and even better michael scott puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why does Michael Scott hate Hamlet? Toby or not Toby
  • What did Michael Scott say when the doctor prescribed him ibuprofen? That's what she NSAID!
  • The office is such a good show that sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be led by Michael Scott Maybe that's how America got here
  • Michael Scott from "The Office" is opening a bakery. It's called Dunder Muffin.
  • Why did Michael Bay jump off a bridge? Cause Tony Scott did it first.
Michael joke, Why did Michael Bay jump off a bridge?

Howlingly Hilarious Michael Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about michael you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean george michael jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make michael pranks.

I got a new SUV. My hippie friend says to me, "What about the Rainforests? What about the glaciers?"

.. I'm like "Man, it's got 4 wheel drive... We can go anywhere you want!"
-Michael Palascak

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What were you thinking?

Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
j**... Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
what is it?

What happened when Justin Bieber went to Michael Jackson's house?

Nothing, Michael liked boys.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
j**... Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )
----------------------------------------------------------
The answer is: "A Last Name."
Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!

Michael Phelps is officially the winningest Olympian of all
time.

he deserves a medal or something.

Daddy, is god a Man or a Woman?

Father: God is both.
Boy: Is God Black or White?
Father: God is both.
Boy: Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?
*Note* I know this joke is outdated, but a very close friend told it to me a couple years ago and as she recently passed away, I'm posting it here so people can know she was awesome.

On the day of Michael Jackson's death

The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.
The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"
"I reckon the roller coaster."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Did you hear about the gay Irish couple...

...names were Michael Fitzpatrick, and Patrick Fitzmichael.

What is Michael Jackson's favorite piano chord?

A-minor

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 
The teacher fainted...

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

If 1 / 9 men are homosexual, does that mean that statistically, there is at least 1 gay man in my class?

If so then I hope it's Michael, he's cute.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why did Michael Sam, the first openly gay NFL player, say he doesn't shop at Sports Authority?

Because he prefers d**...'s.

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

Why can hipsters listen to Michael Jackson again?

He's been underground for five years now.

What's the difference between a kinder surprise and Michael jackson.

One is a choking hazard for children and the other is a chocolate covered candy

How are Michael Jackson and Starfish Tuna similar?

They both come in little cans.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

My girlfriend caught me m**... to Michael Jackson.

She asked what I was doing
I told her to beat it.

What's the difference between officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown?

Officer Wilson can dodge a bullet

Michael Brown's family just wants their voices to be heard.

They are tired of being shot down.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I was at a u**... when I realized standing to my left was Muhammad Ali and to my right was Michael J. Fox...

bad day to wear sandals.

What's black and white and being milked tonight?

Michael brown's death

What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?

Probably clawing at the inside of his coffin.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do you call 2 gay Irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

What does Michael Jackson have in common with a second place racehorse?

They both came in a little behind.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.
"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.
"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.
"Shaken, not stirred."
"Oh, thank God."

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalogue.
ba dum tss

Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

Why did Michael Jackson call Boys 2 Men?

He thought they were a delivery service

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

Whats the similarity between the xbox 360 and Michael Jackson

* Both have been black
* Both are made from plastic
* And children turn them on

What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?

They both have little boys' jeans half off.

What is the difference between a gorilla and Michael Jackson?

One of them got shot for touching a kid.

"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Son, some people see God as a man, while others see God as a woman."
"Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Son, some people see God as black, while others see God as white."
"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do Michael Jackson and Mcdonalds have in common?

They both stick their meat between 13yo buns.

Why does Michael Jackson shop at k-mart.

Because little boys pants are half-off.
Sorry I know this joke is too old to be one of his victims
and I know it is bad taste to make fun of the dead.
RIP K-Mart you will be missed.

People in my office have this strange habit of naming their food...

Yesterday, I had a sandwich named "Michael".

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.

Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have s**...?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Xbox?

They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.

My dad is like the Michael Jordan of dads.

He has a serious gambling problem.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Hopefully George Michael was an o**... donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

The CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub...

Michael O'Leary, the CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub.
The he says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer?"
The bartender says "Certainly, that'll be €0.50"
He responds with "50 cents? That's wonderfully cheap!"
But then the bartender tells him "And it'll be €1 for the glass, €3 if you want to sit down, €7 if you stand up, €15 to use the loo... "

Don't know what touched me more as a child...

Michael Jackson's music or Michael Jackson.

So, little jonny came back from the church...

and asked his mom: "Mom, is god man or a woman".
Mom didn't want to spoil his mind so she said: "Both."
Little jonny went to his room and thought for sometime.
He came back and asked her: "Mom, is god black or white".
Again, the mom didn't want any controversy so she said: "Both."
Jonny again went back to his room and thought for sometime.
Then he came back and asked: "Mom, is god a straight or gay?"
Again, mom didn't want to create any controversy, so again she said: "Both."
This time jonny went to his room and thought really hard.
He came back and said: "Mom I finally figured it out. michael jackson is god"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why is Michael Phelps better than h**...?

Michael Phelps can actually finish off a race.

Turns out Michael Jackson actually died from food poisoning

My sources tell me he ate 12 year old nuts

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?

Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had s**... with kids.

Why doesn't Michael Flynn wear glasses?

Because he has Russian contacts.

The guy that played Killmonger in Black Panther is great

He's the Michael Jordan of acting.

What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?

The Sha-Mona Lisa.

I really dislike people doing Michael Jackson impressions

Whenever I see one, I turn 360 degrees and walk away.

Michael joke, I really dislike people doing Michael Jackson impressions

jokes about michael