Michael Jokes

Following is our collection of Michael funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Michael jokes

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

Why does Michael J. Fox make really good milkshakes?

Because he's rich and can afford the best ingredients

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?

It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.

Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?

Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.

I sexually identify as Michael Jackson

My personal pronouns are he/hee

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong *walked on the moon* but Michael Jackson was a *pedophile.*

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he is dead.

I saw Michael J. Fox in a gardening centre the other day...

He had his back to the fuchsia.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

Why is Michael Phelps better than Hitler?

Michael Phelps can actually finish off a race.

Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer...

He was conceived anally

What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little white crackers.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...

And the other carries groceries.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM

(George Michael)

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*

I got a new SUV. My hippie friend says to me, "What about the Rainforests? What about the glaciers?"

.. I'm like "Man, it's got 4 wheel drive... We can go anywhere you want!"

-Michael Palascak

What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess?

C4

Why did Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?

There's 20 of them

So, little jonny came back from the church...

and asked his mom: "Mom, is god man or a woman".

Mom didn't want to spoil his mind so she said: "Both."

Little jonny went to his room and thought for sometime.

He came back and asked her: "Mom, is god black or white".

Again, the mom didn't want any controversy so she said: "Both."

Jonny again went back to his room and thought for sometime.

Then he came back and asked: "Mom, is god a straight or gay?"

Again, mom didn't want to create any controversy, so again she said: "Both."

This time jonny went to his room and thought really hard.

He came back and said: "Mom I finally figured it out. michael jackson is god"

"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Son, some people see God as a man, while others see God as a woman."

"Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Son, some people see God as black, while others see God as white."

"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

What do you call 2 gay Irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'


Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'


Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'


Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'


Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player.

He was big in the minors.

What do you call Michael Bublé's identical twin brother?

Michael Dublé! :D

What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson?

Harambe got punished for touching little kids.

Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

----------------------------------------------------------















The answer is: "A Last Name."

Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 

The teacher fainted...

how come Michael J. Fox can make such good milkshakes?

because he is rich and can afford high quality ingredients!..

What is Michael Bay's favorite phone?

Note 7

Proper Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

Did you hear about the gay Irish couple...

...names were Michael Fitzpatrick, and Patrick Fitzmichael.

Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

My girlfriend caught me masturbating to Michael Jackson.

She asked what I was doing

I told her to beat it.

I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor

So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.

What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?

They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.

I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson.

I'm not sure which race yet.

What do you get when you cast Michael J. Fox as Walter White?

Shaking Bad.

Michael Jackson is the epitome of the American Dream

Only in America could a poor, black boy become a rich, white woman

I only have one Michael Jackson album

it's Bad

Surgeon: Just relax, Michael. It's just a small surgery.

Patient: My name isn't Michael.


Surgeon: I know, my name is Michael.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes