The Best 61 Michael Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Michael jokes. There are some michael brian jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these michael michael scott puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Michael Jokes and Puns

I got a new SUV. My hippie friend says to me, "What about the Rainforests? What about the glaciers?"

.. I'm like "Man, it's got 4 wheel drive... We can go anywhere you want!"

-Michael Palascak

What were you thinking?

Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
what is it?

A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

----------------------------------------------------------

The answer is: "A Last Name."

Sorry Folks...No Dirty Jokes Here!

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he is dead.

jokes about michael

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.


What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?

They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Michael joke, My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

Did you hear about the gay Irish couple...

...names were Michael Fitzpatrick, and Patrick Fitzmichael.

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 

The teacher fainted...

I saw Michael J. Fox in a gardening centre the other day...

He had his back to the fuchsia.

What do you call Michael Bublé's identical twin brother?

Michael Dublé! :D

You can explore michael andrew reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean michael cera dad jokes. There are also michael puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

My girlfriend caught me masturbating to Michael Jackson.

She asked what I was doing

I told her to beat it.

You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?

It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.

What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess?

C4

What do you call 2 gay Irishmen?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

Michael joke, What do you call 2 gay Irishmen?

When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Michael J. Fox asked James Bond to come over for dinner one night.

Being a polite host, he offered Bond a drink when he arrived. "What'll ya have?" he asked.

"I'll have a Martini," Bond replied.

"How do you want it?" Michael J. Fox asked.

"Shaken, not stirred."

"Oh, thank God."

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*


Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids, here's mine: What did the World Chess Champion ask Michael Jackson?

Do you want to be black, or white?

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

Someone told me there's a gay guy in my circle of friends...

I hope it's Michael. Hes cute.

Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Son, some people see God as a man, while others see God as a woman."

"Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Son, some people see God as black, while others see God as white."

"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with...

And the other carries groceries.

Michael joke, What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer...

He was conceived anally

What is Michael Bay's favorite phone?

Note 7


What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little white crackers.

Apparently Michael Jackson was also a gifted baseball player.

He was big in the minors.

James Bond walks into a bar...

James Bond walks into a bar.

Michael J. Fox is the bartender.

James Bond says "I'll have a martini."

He does not need to specify.

I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson.

I'm not sure which race yet.

Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM

(George Michael)


I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor

So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.

Hopefully George Michael was an organ donor...

... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart

What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson?

Harambe got punished for touching little kids.

how come Michael J. Fox can make such good milkshakes?

because he is rich and can afford high quality ingredients!..

Why did Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?

There's 20 of them

So, little jonny came back from the church...

and asked his mom: "Mom, is god man or a woman".

Mom didn't want to spoil his mind so she said: "Both."

Little jonny went to his room and thought for sometime.

He came back and asked her: "Mom, is god black or white".

Again, the mom didn't want any controversy so she said: "Both."

Jonny again went back to his room and thought for sometime.

Then he came back and asked: "Mom, is god a straight or gay?"

Again, mom didn't want to create any controversy, so again she said: "Both."

This time jonny went to his room and thought really hard.

He came back and said: "Mom I finally figured it out. michael jackson is god"

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

Why is Michael Phelps better than Hitler?

Michael Phelps can actually finish off a race.

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?

Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.

Why does Michael J. Fox make really good milkshakes?

Because he's rich and can afford the best ingredients

Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

What did they find under Michael Jackson's pillow?

Billy's Jeans

I sexually identify as Michael Jackson

My personal pronouns are he/hee

I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized

That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it's the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?

He heard Boys pants were half off.

What does Michael Jordan and Melania Trump have in common?

The both made a fortune playing with orange balls

My wife just told me that Michael Nesmith from The Monkees just died.

At first, I didn't believe it.

But then I saw her face.

My 13 year old daughter just told me she identifies as Michael Jackson

And her pronouns are hee hee

I once called Michael Jackson to tell him that I had injured the joint in the middle of my leg.

He said **"A knee? Are you OK?"**

Maurice and Sadie were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary by having a meal at a restaurant with their friends.

Maurice looked unhappy, so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, asked him what was wrong.

"Do you remember on our fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?"

"Yes," answered Michael, "I said you would get twenty years in jail."

"Well," said Maurice, "I would have been a free man tonight."

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

A guy is at a talent show and says, just to make sure everything is working, if your name is Michael please stand up . Then, a couple of dudes stand up and he says,

that concludes the mike check .

Seamus walked into the pub, sat down at his usual table...

...and proudly announced, Drinks are on me tonight, boys.

His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. Michael spoke up, Are ye OK?

Seamus clapped him on the shoulder and said, Aye, Mikey, I'm just fine. Last night, while I was here with you lads, someone broke into me house.

Paddy said, Yer joking! Did he get anything?

Seamus smiled and said, Two black eyes, a busted lip, and a boot to the nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.

Why cant Michael Jackson go within 500m of a school zone...

Because he's dead

What did Michael Jackson tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her

It's not you it's Mee-Hee

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the michael michael phelps jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working michael michael sam piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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