Mexico Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

What borders stupidity?

Mexico & Canada

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"



The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"



The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.



"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.



The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

A man is walking through his local mall and noticed a Mexican book store.

So he decides to go in because he has never seen Mexican book store before. He browses through the store, and then he finally asks the clerk "do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies "fuck you, get out, stay out!". The man replies " yeah, that's the one!"

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

in mexico, we don't say "I love you"

cause we dont speak english.

They should send Hillary Clinton to the U.S. Mexico border

Since no one can get over her...

Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Why did I quit my job in Mexico?

It didn't peso well.

A man is walking through his local mall and sees a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he's never seen a Mexican bookstore before.

He browses the store before finally asking the clerk "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policy with Mexico?"

The clerk replies "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies "Yeah, that one."

Jesus walks into a bar

The barman looks up and asks "We don't serve wine here"
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.

People should not move to Canada because of Trump

They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

2 cars had a head-on collision in Mexico today..

34 people died.

Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?

It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

What do you call the top wealthiest people in Mexico?

The Juan percent.

TIL Dr Dre adopted a child from Mexico

The child calls him his "PaDre"

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

My girlfriend got pregnant, so I've been thinking about a name for over two weeks

I chose Carlos and escaped to Mexico

Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?

...94 people died.

Justin Bieber has been kidnapped!

They want $100 million and a charter plane to Mexico or else they will release him.

A man named Jose has just moved from Mexico to the US

and he wants to do something very American so he decides to go to a baseball game.

Unfortunately, the game is completely sold out. However, the cashier says there is one seat available if Jose is willing to sit atop the flag pole. He agrees.

Finding the pole, Jose climbs to the top and takes a seat.

The game is about to begin when a voice comes over the loudspeaker and says "Please rise for the National Anthem". Everyone in the stadium stands up, turns to Jose, puts their hands over their hearts, and sings

"O-OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEE..."

Jose yells back "YES THANK YOU"

Lazy vultures

Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."

"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"

"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."

What is the most popular novel in Mexico?

Tequila mocking bird

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

What's the most popular book in Mexico?

Tequila Mockingbird

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood. He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him; "It looks like it will be pretty bad". Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood. He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade." The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?" They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century." The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?" They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

Mexico and the TITANIC

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Most people don't know that back in 1912...

Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning.

It's known, of course, as... Sinko De Mayo.

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team?

Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant after a day spent roaming around Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy! A special Mexican Cuisine Treat!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Someone asked Trump how he planned to build the wall

he said "On the day I got elected 60 million people shit a brick and Mexico agreed to pay for the mortar"ο»Ώ

Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

4-way car crash reported in Mexico City.

86 confirmed dead.

A Priest helps a young woman at the airport



A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied.

"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," said the devout man.

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman's use, but which is, to date, unused." The official said, "Go ahead, Father."

A jew and a mexican are talking...

The jew says, "lemme ask you something, are theres jews in mexico?"

The mexican replies "oh yes my friend, plenty of jews...apple jews, orange jews, and tomato jews."

Bungee Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back
up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls
again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised
and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy
falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty
messed up he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this
time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is
a pinata?"

Overheard while standing in line at the grocery store.

A woman was standing in line talking on her cell phone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up he turns to her:

Man: "I didn't want to say anything while you were on the phone but you are in America now. You need to speak English."

Woman: "Excuse me?"

Man: *talks slow-* If you want to speak Spanish, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English."

Woman: "Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England."

What's the most popular sport in Mexico?

Cross-country.

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

Three cowboys (nsfw)

Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are.

The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowboy from New Mexico says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I picked it up, took it to the doc, and he got me fixed up right. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowboy from Texas sat silently stirring the fire with his dick.

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

A man was driving through mexico..

While driving he saw a sign that said "Velocidad 85". He doesn't worry because he's driving well below the speed limit. He continues cruising down the highway for a while when he sees another sign that says "Velocidad 65". He slows down not wanting to get a ticket. A little while later he says yet another sign that says "Velocidad 40". Confused but not wanting to get pulled over, he slows down to 40. He continues and again he sees a sign that says "Velocidad 15". As he starts to slow down, other drivers are beeping, cutting him off, and just flying past him. He yells, "Fuck you, I'm not getting a ticket". After a while he sees a sign that says "Velocidad 5". Now he's confused and angry, but still insistent on not getting a ticket, he slows down.

After a few minutes, he sees a sign that says "Bienvenido a Velocidad"

3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire...

...and talking about how tough they are.
The cowboy from Arkansas says, "I'm so tough I once russled a bear with my bare hands".
They all look kind of impressed.
Then the cowboy from New Mexico says, " T'aint nothin. I once stopped a stampede of cattle using a piece of straw, a pinecone and my bare hands."
This is obviously impressing the group. The first 2 cowboys look over at the cowboy from Texas, waiting for his tall tale.

The cowboy from Texas doesn't say a word. Just keep stirring the coals of the fire with the tip of his penis.

2 jews walk into a mexican restaurant in mexico...

And order some mexican food. While they're waiting they begin to talk about how judaism is the biggest religion in the world & that even jesus was a jew.

Then one of them thinks "since we're in mexico I wouldn't doubt it if there's mexican jews around here somewhere" they wave down their waitress & ask her if she can ask around and see if there's any mexican jews... The waitress giving them an odd look agrees.

About 5 minutes pass and the waitress comes back and says she asked everybody at her tables & no mexican jews. Still convinced he asks her waitress to ask the manager & the head chef if there's any mexican jews. Again... Odd look but agrees.

After another 5 minutes the waitress comes back & says "sorry sir, I asked my manager & all the cooks in the back and there's no mexican jews... But we have apple jews, orange jews, carrot jews.....

Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...

...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

Why does Mexico never get any Olympic medals?

Because any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim is in America already

So this entrepreneur is setting up a bungee jumping tower in Mexico.

And of course all the construction and publicity has garnered a crowd. Well the entrepreneur, seeing an opportunity to wow the crowd, volunteers to be the first person to jump. So he is strapped in and over the edge he goes, and the crowd goes wild. But when his crew goes to retrieve him after his jump, he is all beaten and bloodied. They ask if he hit the ground or something. He says "Well... we should probably shorten the rope a little more... also, what does 'piΓ±ata' mean?

Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because everyone who could jump, run, and swim have already crossed the border.

3 brewery presidents walk into a bar...

3 brewery presidents walk into a bar. One from Corona, Coors and Guinness.

The president from Corona says to the bartender, "Give me a Corona, the best Mexico has to offer" and the bartender hands him one.

Next, the Coors president orders a Coors saying "Hand me the only beer in the world made with water fresh from the Colorado Rockies."

Then the Guinness president walks up to the bar and orders a Coca Cola. The bartender, a bit taken aback, hands him what he orders.

The other brewery presidents turn to him and say, "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" He replies, "Well, i figured if you guys weren't ordering beers, why should I?"

Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico?

200 people died.

Memory

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico, who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptically, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?"

The Indian answered, "Eggs."

The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "

Thirteen years later, the traveller's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up to him and said jovially, "How!"

The Indian answered, "Scrambled."

why dont they have drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in mexico?

it's too hard on the donkey

Instead of a wall we should put up a giant mirror

So when Mexicans try to cross they will read "welcome to Mexico" and turn around.

What are the most racist jokes you know?

There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died.

What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool?
Coco puffs.

Did you guys hear about the murderer who stole a train in Mexico?

They say he had a loco motive.

Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?

All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

A friend from Mexico recently moved up to Wisconsin with me

Naturally, one of the first places we went was a cheese shop. He was being all tentative, only considering purchasing a small block of cheddar. He's never going to fit like that.


I said to him, Jesus, take the wheel.

What's the difference between church and mexico?

At church you get touched by god, in Mexico you get touched by jesus

A black guy, a Jew, a Mexican, and a racist white Southerner are waiting at a bus stop...

...when all of a sudden a genie comes along. He says, "Well, we've got some time before the bus comes so why don't I grant you all one wish."

So the Jew pipes up and says, "My one true wish is that all of my people be able to live in peace together in Israel." The genie snaps his fingers, and BAM! Done.

Next the Mexican says, "Really I wish that all of my people can live in prosperity in Mexico." Again the genie snaps his fingers, and BAM! Wish fulfilled.

Next the black guy says, "My wish is that all black people be able to live together in peace and prosperity in Africa." Again the genie snaps his fingers, and BAM! All the black people go to Africa.

Finally the genie turns to the white Southerner and asks him for his wish. "Let me get this straight," the Southerner says, "all the Jews are in Israel, all the Mexicans are in Mexico, and all the blacks are in Africa? Shit, I think I'll have a Coke."

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team

Because everyone who can run, jump and swim are already in America.

Bull Fighting

>A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

>While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

>It looked good.

>It smelled good.

>He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

>The waiter replied, "Ah seΓ±or, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

>The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

>The waiter replied, "I am so sorry seΓ±or. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

>The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

>After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

>The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, seΓ±or. Sometimes the bull wins."

Why does Mexico never wins any medals at the Olympic Games?

Because everyone who runs, swims, or jump really well is already across the border.

Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is already over the border!

An American, A Mexican, and an African Man are on an island...

they meet a genie who decides to grant them each one wish. He first turns to the African man."What do you wish for?"

The African man says, "I wish for all of my people to be free and happy in Africa," and so it was done.

The genie turns to the Mexican man and asks, "What do you wish for?"

The Mexican man says, "I wish for all my people to be free and happy in Mexico," and so it was done.

Finally the genei turns to the American and asks, "What do you wish for?"

The American man says, "So let me get this straight. All the black people are in Africa?"

The genie says yes.

"And all the Mexicans are in Mexico?"

The genie again says yes.

The American man smiles and says, "I'll have a coke."

A mexican guy, a black guy, and a white guy are all walking down a beach when they find a magic lamp...

So they rubbed it and a genie pops out, tells them they get 1 wish each.

The mexican guy goes 1st and says: "I wish that my homeland is rid of all hardships so all my people in the USA can move peacefully back to Mexico." and poof! The wish is granted.

The black guy goes next and says: "I wish that my homeland is rid of all hardships so all my people in the USA can move peacefully back to Africa." and poof! The wish is granted.

Last up is the white guy, he asks the genie: "with their wishes, all the Mexicans and blacks are back to their home lands?" The genie replies: "yes, they all are."

The white guy then says: "I'll have a coke please."

Why do they have sex ed and drivers ed on different days in Mexico?

Because they need to give the donkey a break.

If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

Why is school in Mexico a lot harder?

Because they have a lot of esΓ©'s

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?

Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

captain mexico

Always trying to take captain america's job.

Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics?

Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.

What are the funniest mexico jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mexico? Well, here are the best Mexico puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mexico pick up lines to share with friends.

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