Meth Jokes

What are some Meth jokes?

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32

It's simple meth

I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room?

A full set of teeth

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

Most people have 32 teeth, some only have 5...

It's simple Meth really!

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

The pollen count is so high

Meth users are trying to convert their meth back to Sudafed

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

What has 3 teeth and 100 legs?

A meth queue.

The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

that tweekers are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs?

The toothfairy.

I was never good at english...

so I did math instead.

oh, eh sorry I mean meth.

Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...

Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.

Doctor: ...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you're pregnant.

Patient: it was an everything bagel.

What's the difference between math and meth?

I do one at parties when I want to have a good time...

And the other is meth.

What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church?

A Crystal Methodist.

Tea makes everything great,even meth.

Cos without T,meth is just meh.

Why are meth heads so excited for Christmas?

It's only three sleeps away

Meth: All the energy of cocaine...

... with none of the teeth!

True story from Brimfield Ohio;
Brimfield Police Department
Conversations with a meth cook....

Suspect: "I didn't mean to make meth."

Chief: "You didn't mean to make it?"

Suspect: "No. I was just trying to make smoke."

Chief: {Dumb look}

Suspect: "I was trying to scare the Mexicans. They're superstitious."

Chief: "Okay....You were trying to scare someone by making smoke?"

Suspect: "Yes Sir. I was trying to scare the Mexicans."

Chief: "But you ended up with meth."

Suspect: "Yes, I guess I did."

Chief: "You do realize this may be the dumbest thing I have ever heard. You could not come up with a better excuse for making meth than that?"

Suspect: "I thought about it and no...I couldn't...I don't want to tell on myself."

This job is amazing....Chief.

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"

A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.

What is the number one thing white people cook better than any other race?


In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library.

Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.

-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

You know you're in a seedy part of town

when you ask the waitress for coke and she says "is meth ok?"

I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.

My dad dropped his meth pipe.

Now he has a crack pipe.

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

What's the best part about smoking meth?

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

In school I always had perfect spelling.

I still have trouble with meth.

What is El Chapo's favorite dog breed?

A Meth Lab

Why don't blondes smoke meth?

They don't know what ampheta means...

What would one call a movie about meth addictions?

Need for speed.

What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

I felt like doing some service today, so I decided to donate some video games to the Rehabilitation Center for Meth Addicts.

They seemed particularly fond of "Need for Speed".

What do the Cleveland Browns and a Meth addict have in common?

They will both suck for 4 quarters.

I don't know how people get addicted to drugs

i've been doin meth for 20 years and never once got addicted

What's the best thing about being a meth head?

1 sleep until Christmas.

What's the best method of bookkeeping?

Never lend them.

I didn't expect a bug to crawl out of my Meth stash...

But it just came out of the blue.

Did you see the new method invented to dry berries?

I thought I'd keep everyone updated on currant events.

What does God and a meth addict have in common?

They can both work six days straight without a break

Aren't some of the methods used to kill people on death row...

...absolutely shocking

How can you tell that there's too much pollen in the air?

Drug addicts are turning meth back into sudafed

Have you heard about the calculus professor who tried some bad amphetamines and ended up believing he was a moth?

It's the old meth math moth myth.

I think my neighbor might be involved in some illegal activities.

I heard him confess to tax evasion when I was smoking meth in his attic.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is addicted to meth.

Most people have 32 teeth. Some people have 6 teeth.

It's simple meth.

Farmer Dave

So I knew this farmer, his name was Dave and he wasn't really bright, but he tried his best.

One day he called me over to his farm and announced proudly that he was feeding his cows meth. I was skeptical and told him it was a bad idea, but he didn't listen.

The next day he called me, and told me the news. The cows had died.
I said, "Oh no Dave, I'm so sorry to hear that. What are you gonna do now?" He said he was gonna try and sell their hides and meat, "Hey do you want some too?"

I said, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

Whats The Opposite of a Police Drug Dog?

Meth Lab

What's the difference between math and meth?

One of them ruins your life.

The other's just meth.

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

I don't take meth anymore, I have a future.

And you don't mix uppers with downers.

What do you call it when you spill meth into your cake mix?

Baking Bad

I add braking fluid to my Meth

So I can stop whenever I want.

A methodology of obtaining information or input by enlisting the services of a large number of people of Germanic background:


I met two meth heads at a restaurant today.

They were speed dating

What's the best stage name for a stripper with no teeth?

Crystal Meth

What has 100 legs and 3 teeth?

A centipede on meth.

I am terrible at English...

But I love meth.

**Note: As far as I know my brother came up with this joke and I can't find it on the internet so.**

Most popular dog breed in New Mexico?

The Meth Lab.

What's a meth head's favourite thing about Halloween?

Only two more sleeps till Christmas!

Be careful about teaching lab retrievers to play fetch.

He almost blew us both up with a meth bomb.

Why was the nun addicted to meth?

Because she had a habit.

What do you call a drug-addicted canine?

A meth lab!

What does a red neck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.

When actors get drunk

To play a scene where a character is drunk it's method acting

So I'm sure breaking bad must have had plenty of meth head acting

Why are cows not addicted to meth?

Because grass isn't a gateway drug.

What do you call a dead meth head?

A methylated spirit.

I went to a drug convention hoping to buy the drugs I saw on Breaking Bad. Too bad I couldn't find any. All the dealers kept gossiping about two people I didn't know.

Who cares if Chris told Meth.

"Let's buy a skyscraper and turn into a huge meth factory!" said Jessie.

"That's illegal on *so* many levels." replied Walter.

What type of dog did the tweaker have?

A pure bred meth lab.

I love how our names for recreational drug users give an idea of their drug of choice.

If they are a frequent user of marijuana, they're a stoner.

Some like to include psychedelics, and we call them hippies.

Our cocaine lovers are cokeheads.

People obsessed with meth are tweakers.

Finally some people like Bill Cosby prefer qualudes or rohypnol, and we call them rapists.

Hey, check out my new dog!

"He used to be police dog down in Florida."

"Oh, what breed is he?"

"He's a meth lab."

A girl asked me if I was a good cook.

"Does Meth count?" probably wasn't the answer she wanted.

How to make Meth jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Meth to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Meth? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Meth pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes