meth Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious meth puns

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.


Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32

It's simple meth


I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it


What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room?

A full set of teeth


Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.


Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.


Grandfather dropped a bomb today I'll never forget

We stopped at a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere in the midwest. The people looked like they hadn't slept in a year and had eaten meth for a week from their missing teeth and saggy cheeks.

**Me:** Jesus, these people look like zombies

**Gramps:** Yeah and they're probably starving from the lack of brains in this fucking town.


Most people have 32 teeth, some only have 5...

It's simple Meth really!


The bunny jogging

A bunny is running through the forest and he meets a hedgehog, who's smoking a joint, so the bunny says:

"Hedgehog noo, don't do it, drugs are dangerous, come to run with me in the forest!"

The hedgehog convinced by the bunny runs with him.
They run and they meet a bluetit who is doing blue crystal meth.
The bunny scandalized says:

"Oh bluetit, please, don't do drugs, it's a very sunny day, run with me and you'll be healthier".

So the hedgehog, the bluetit and the bunny happily run through the forest when they meet the wolf, who's snorting coke, so the bunny says:

"Wolf what are you doing? Come and run with me, coke is really bad bad for you!"

The wolf stops and raises his head, looks at the little company of animals and says:

"What the hell guys? Every time the bunny does ecstasy we all run through the forest like idiots..."


Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.


The pollen count is so high

Meth users are trying to convert their meth back to Sudafed


If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.


What has 3 teeth and 100 legs?

A meth queue.


The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

that tweekers are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.


Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"


How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs?

The toothfairy.


What's the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas!


I was never good at english...

so I did math instead.

oh, eh sorry I mean meth.


Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...

Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.

Doctor: ...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you're pregnant.

Patient: it was an everything bagel.


What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.


What's the difference between math and meth?

I do one at parties when I want to have a good time...

And the other is meth.


Tea makes everything great,even meth.

Cos without T,meth is just meh.


What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church?

A Crystal Methodist.


Why are meth heads so excited for Christmas?

It's only three sleeps away


Meth: All the energy of cocaine...

... with none of the teeth!


True story from Brimfield Ohio;
Brimfield Police Department
Conversations with a meth cook....

Suspect: "I didn't mean to make meth."

Chief: "You didn't mean to make it?"

Suspect: "No. I was just trying to make smoke."

Chief: {Dumb look}

Suspect: "I was trying to scare the Mexicans. They're superstitious."

Chief: "Okay....You were trying to scare someone by making smoke?"

Suspect: "Yes Sir. I was trying to scare the Mexicans."

Chief: "But you ended up with meth."

Suspect: "Yes, I guess I did."

Chief: "You do realize this may be the dumbest thing I have ever heard. You could not come up with a better excuse for making meth than that?"

Suspect: "I thought about it and no...I couldn't...I don't want to tell on myself."

This job is amazing....Chief.


Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"


What is the number one thing white people cook better than any other race?



In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library.

Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.

-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014


A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.


You know you're in a seedy part of town

when you ask the waitress for coke and she says "is meth ok?"


Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives?

because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.


I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.


My dad dropped his meth pipe.

Now he has a crack pipe.


I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.


What are the most funny Meth jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Meth? Well, here are the best Meth dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Meth pick up lines to share with friends.

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