The Best 79 Meth Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Meth jokes. There are some meth methylphenidate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these meth pseudoephedrine puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Meth Jokes and Puns

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

Methylated Spirit

A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.

"Bottle of methylated spirit please."

"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"

"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.

"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"

What has 3 teeth and 100 legs?

A meth queue.

I felt like doing some service today, so I decided to donate some video games to the Rehabilitation Center for Meth Addicts.

They seemed particularly fond of "Need for Speed".

jokes about meth

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library.

Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.

-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

My dad dropped his meth pipe.

Now he has a crack pipe.

Have you heard about the calculus professor who tried some bad amphetamines and ended up believing he was a moth?

It's the old meth math moth myth.

Meth joke, Have you heard about the calculus professor who tried some bad amphetamines and ended up believing h

What would one call a movie about meth addictions?

Need for speed.

How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs?

The toothfairy.

How can you tell that there's too much pollen in the air?

Drug addicts are turning meth back into sudafed

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

You can explore meth methadone reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean meth an methylamine dad jokes. There are also meth puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

You know you're in a seedy part of town

when you ask the waitress for coke and she says "is meth ok?"

If your method of birth control is abstinence...

...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.

Aren't some of the methods used to kill people on death row...

...absolutely shocking

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is addicted to meth.

The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

that tweekers are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

Meth joke, The pollen is so bad this year in Phoenix...

I am terrible at English...

But I love meth.

**Note: As far as I know my brother came up with this joke and I can't find it on the internet so.**

Tea makes everything great,even meth.

Cos without T,meth is just meh.

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

What's the difference between math and meth?

One of them ruins your life.

The other's just meth.

What's the best thing about being a meth head?

1 sleep until Christmas.

What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church?

A Crystal Methodist.

I didn't expect a bug to crawl out of my Meth stash...

But it just came out of the blue.

Meth: All the energy of cocaine...

... with none of the teeth!

What do you get when you put 20 Meth Heads in 1 room?

A full set of teeth

What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

Meth joke, What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

Why are meth heads so excited for Christmas?

It's only three sleeps away

The pollen count is so high

Meth users are trying to convert their meth back to Sudafed

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

I think my neighbor might be involved in some illegal activities.

I heard him confess to tax evasion when I was smoking meth in his attic.

I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.

I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

What does God and a meth addict have in common?

They can both work six days straight without a break

Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32

It's simple meth

Why don't blondes smoke meth?

They don't know what ampheta means...

Most people have 32 teeth, some only have 5...

It's simple Meth really!

What do the Cleveland Browns and a Meth addict have in common?

They will both suck for 4 quarters.

What's the best part about smoking meth?

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

What is the number one thing white people cook better than any other race?


I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.

I was never good at english...

so I did math instead.

oh, eh sorry I mean meth.

What's the best method of bookkeeping?

Never lend them.

Whats The Opposite of a Police Drug Dog?

Meth Lab

In school I always had perfect spelling.

I still have trouble with meth.

What's the difference between math and meth?

I do one at parties when I want to have a good time...

And the other is meth.

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"

Doctor: the test results came back...

...and you've tested positive for opiates...

Patient: I ate a bagel this morning.

Doctor: ...and meth, cocaine, marijuana, oh and you're pregnant.

Patient: it was an everything bagel.

Did you see the new method invented to dry berries?

I thought I'd keep everyone updated on currant events.

What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.

What is El Chapo's favorite dog breed?

A Meth Lab

I don't know how people get addicted to drugs

i've been doin meth for 20 years and never once got addicted

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

I did meth and masturbation for one year, but now I'm clean.

Just washed my hands.

Most people have 32 teeth, I have 10 plus 15 minus 3 ...

trust me, I did the meth.

As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having sex with kids, meth being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.

Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.

Methamphetamine was used widely by both axis and allied soldiers in WW2.

Making it the true War On Drugs.

Most people have 32 teeth and some have 4....

It's just simple meth.

I think my parents might be meth heads.

The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth.

When I was a kid, I saw Finding Nemo on Ice.

That was my first time doing meth.

Why do all methheads have bad teeth?

They only brush them before sleeping

How long can a meth high last?

The rest of your life.

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc... I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already!" I implored.

"All right, man-- you fly, I'll buy!" he finally conceded.

Which just goes to show, if you want to pick up speed you've got to press on the ex seller rater.

Some people have 32 teeth, while some people have only 6.

It's simple meth.

The pollen is so bad this year...

The drug dealers are trying to turn their meth back into Sudafed.

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

My dog died. He exploded.

He was a mixed breed. Half golden lab, half meth lab.

What do you call a group of meth heads?

A full set of teeth.

A guy on meth decides to sell his chameleon, and starts typing an ad

I have a red chameleon for sale. Nope a blue one. Scratch that, a green chameleon. Wooow, not for sale.

Whats the difference between a crack head and a meth head?

A crack head will steal your wallet. A meth head will steal your wallet and spend 20 minutes helping you find it.

What does a drug dealer says at the end of the year?

Merry cryst meth!

15 sleeps til Christmas...

4 if you do meth.

My friend asked me if I did meth

I said Nah man Adderall is more my speed

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

The best method of passive aggressiveness is simply to include the person's name at the end of your sentence,


What did Method Man say when he got a glass of orangeade?

Woo! Tang!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the meth heroin puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working meth cokehead piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes