Meter Jokes
97 meter jokes and hilarious meter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about meter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Meter jokes are the perfect way to make light of the most common measurement tools. Read a selection of witticisms related to topics such as smart meters, parking meters, water meters, blush meters, meter maids, meter readings and more. Have a laugh as you learn more about metric units of measurement such as height, kilo and more.
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Funniest Meter Short Jokes
Short meter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The meter humour may include short metro jokes also.
- Why can't a nose be 30.48 centimeters? Because then it would be .3048 Meters.
Some jokes just don't translate well. - If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose? I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.
- I am sick of this pandemic and the 2 meter distancing. I can't wait until its over so I can go back to my usual 15 meter distancing.
- My friend wanted me to meet someone so I could learn about the metric system. I said I didn't want to meter.
- What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash? The superior race
- What's the difference between Switzerland and Columbia? In Switzerland, snow is measured in meters, in Columbia in kilograms.
- What is 5 feet tall, has 22 legs and feigns death if you approach it up to two meters? The Italy national football team.
- I use a voltmeter to check if the circuit is live before I start fixing it. However, today, my meter didn't work. Needless to say, I was shocked.
- The safety distance of 2 meters has been hard for the people in Finland. Luckily, when it's over, we can return to the usual 10 meter distancing.
- I went to the doctor Today I went to the doctor and asked: Hey, doc, at my weight, what's the optimal height.
He said: 4 meters.
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Meter One Liners
Which meter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with meter? I can suggest the ones about measure and mill.
- What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon
- What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover? 100 meter Daesh
- Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away.
- My new record in a 100 m sprint Is 52 meters.
- My son asked if there is anything he shouldn't buy at a yard sale. I said Meters.
- How do the French Train for War? The 100 Meter Sprint
- Only America's dogs have 4 feet. Dogs all over the rest of the world have 1.22 meters.
- If the US would switch from inches to meters We'd have a lengthy discussion
- What do they use to track Olympic swimmers' speed? A speedo meter.
- What's a dinosaur's favourite poetic meter? Ptero-Dactyls
- Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ... what a kind jester!
- What is five hundred meters long and eats only potatoes? Soviet bread line.
- What family member cannot stand 9.8 meters per second? 'Auntie' Gravity.
- There was an island 100 meters away I swam 50 meters and got tired so I swam back.
- What part of a circle can tell the time of the day? The dia-meter
Parking Meter Jokes
Here is a list of funny parking meter jokes and even better parking meter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two dogs were walking by a parking meter The first dog said,
"Would you look at that, a pay toilet." - One time, I took acid and saw all these lollipops coming out of the ground. Then I chipped a tooth on a parking meter.
- I was almost given a parking ticket... But I refilled the meter just in the nickel of dime.
Meter Dash Jokes
Here is a list of funny meter dash jokes and even better meter dash puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I lost my virginity like I lost the 100 meter dash. Slowly.
- A good time I met a girl at the bar and she said she'd show me a good time. So we went outside, and she ran the 100 meter dash in 10.53 seconds.
Hilarious Fun Meter Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about meter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mitt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make meter pranks.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be It. As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said I found you Newton, but Newton replied, No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal! .
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Pascal!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?
There's a parking meter on the roof.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... captures 5 Jews
In a concentration camp h**... catches 5 Jews and asks the first one :
~ How many meters high can you jump?
~ 1 meter, he answered as he was trembling.
h**... gives him one loaf of bread and asks the same question to the second Jew.
~ 2 meters...replies the second Jew.
h**... gives two loaves of bread and asks the same question to the third Jew.
~ 3 meters! responds quickly the third Jew.
h**... draws his gun and blows his minds in air. Now the Jews concerned ask him:
~ Well, why you killed him?
And h**... replies:
~ He can jump over the fence!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish house on Christmas
You know if a house is Jewish on Christmas if there's a parking meter on the roof.
Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek...
...Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square.
When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, "Ha, I've found you, Newton!".
Newton however replies, "No you haven't! You've found Pascal!
(ɹǝʇǝɯ ǝɹɐnbs ɹǝd uoʇʍǝu 1 = lɐɔsɐd 1)
Why couldn't Oscar Pistorius win the 100 meter sprint?
He wasn't black.
There once was a gasman named Peter...
Who, one day while reading the meter
Used a match for a light
He blew out of sight
And as anyone who knows anything about poetry will tell you, he also ruined the meter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My s**... Life
My s**... life is like the Olympiad 100 meter run
-Why, over in 10 seconds?
Nope, 8 black men and a gun.
Not a joke; just something I'd like to address…
Since we're reposting the "Einstein, Newton, and Pascal" joke, it should be noted that the actual punchline is different from what's been used. It's supposed to go like this:
*Newton draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square on the ground and steps inside. Einstein comes up to him and cries out, "Aha! I found you, Pascal!"*
The joke just doesn't work when Newton has to explain it. Not only does it beat the reader over the head with the premise, but it takes away the absurdity/surprise factor. What's funny isn't that Newton made an unlikely and convoluted hiding spot, what's funny is that it worked. Also, if the audience wouldn't recognize that one Newton per square meter equals one Pascal, then it's probably not worth telling them this joke.
No harm intended by this post. Just trying to help…
scientific joke
Scientists were playing hide and seek. Einstein was seeker.
Amongst the other scientists, Newton did not hide and stood in a 1 meter square.
Einstein: I found you Newton, I-spy
Newton: I am not Newton, as I am standing in 1 mtr square, I am newton per meter square: I am Pascal
!@#$%^&*()
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Puerto Rican and a white guy were standing on a tenement roof.
The white guy turned to the Puerto Rican and said, "The updrafts on the side of the building are terrific. Watch." The white guy jumped off the side of the building, fell to within a meter of the sidewalk and floated back up, landing on his feet on top of the building.
The Puerto Rican was so impressed he decided to try it. He took a flying leap off the side and a few seconds later splattered all over the sidewalk below.
Two cops were watching from across the street. One shook his head and said to the other, "Boy, that Clark Kent sure hates Puerto Ricans."
Einstein, Pascal and Newton were playing hide and seek...
...Einstein was counting, Pascal found a pretty good place to hide but Newton didn't have any luck. Einstein had almost finished and since Newton didn't had a hiding place gets a piece of chuck and draws around him an one meter square. Einstein turns around and saw Newton.
Einstein: "Ha! You're Newton, I found you!".
Newton: "I'm not Newton,you're wrong".
E: "Yes, you are. I know you pretty well. I see Newton!"
N: "Yes, you see Newton but what else do you see?"
E: "That you are standing on a square with approximately one meter side"
N: "OK, so what's newton over meter squared?"
E: "Pascal?!"
N: "There you go! You found Pascal!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Marshawn l**... feed the parking meter?
So he wouldn't get fined!
How long is a meter in Spain?
A Spañard
In Europe it's called fruit by the 1/3rd of a meter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
100m Dash
A girl says to her friend "The last time I had s**... was like the 100 meter dash"
Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"
"No, with 8 black men and a gun."
My local gadget store has a great deal on devices that measure electric charge, but it's too far to walk.
It's a coulomb meter.
Do people who use the metric system have meter sales?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't see why people dislike racial diversity
I'm getting bored of watching the 100 meter dash.
Limericks by Jenny
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What did Fluke say to the battery?
Don't worry you will meter someday!
What's the purpose of Barry Chuckle's job at British Gas?
To meter you.
I heard about a woman who doesn't use her feet...
I really want to meter.
What event does the ghost compete in the Olympics?
the 100 meter spi-rint.
I've got a hot auntie that works for the electric board.
Do you wanna meter?
4/3/4/3 iambic meter isn't unusual
It's actually common.
Written on the Bathroom Wall...
*Here I sit
Broken-hearted
Tried to rhyme
Couldn't even get the meter right.*
A 3.14 meter long snake !
What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake ?
- a "Py"thon
What do you call a 43 kilometre long snake ?
- a marathon !
What do you call a meter that is 10x stronger than the others?
The Decimeter
This is a Science Joke: Boyle, Pascal and Newton wanted to play Hide and Seek
So Boyle closed his eyes and started counting, Pascal went to hide, and Newton just stood there and drew a square with a side of 1 meter.
When Boyle opened his eyes, he found Newton, and said "Newton I found you".
To which Newton Replied: "No I'm not Newton, I'm Pascal, Because Pa=N/m^2 "
What's the distance between South Korea and North Korea?
One Supreme meter
When are there 5 feet in a meter?
In Iambic pentameter!
What unit does North Korea use to measure with?
A supreme meter
Three statisticians go out hunting...
and come across a large deer.
The first statistician fires, but misses by a meter to the left.
The second statistician fires, but also misses, this time by a meter to the right.
The third statistician doesn't fire, but starts shouting in triumph "We got it! We got it!"
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a pornstar that comes in last place in the 100 meter dash?
Slow poke.
A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains...
A man is hiking through the Welsh mountains with his pet newt when he comes across a pub. He enters the pub and sees that there is a sign that says dogs are allowed in.
"Can I bring my pet newt inside?" The man asks the bartender.
"Hmm, I suppose so." The bartender says, slightly sceptical.
The man leaves and enters again with the biggest newt the bartender had ever seen. It was almost a meter long and the bartender was shocked silent.
"This is my newt: Tiny." The man tells the bartender.
"Tiny? But it's massive!" The bartender says in shock.
"He's called Tiny because he's my newt."
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play a game of hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
Isaac newton, pascal, and Einstein are playing hide and seek.
They decide that Einstein is to count. He closes his eyes and slowly starts to count to ten. Pascal immediately takes off and hides behind a tree. Sir Isaac Newton calmly crouches down and draws a 1*1 meter square on the ground, and then steps onto it.
When Einstein finishes counting, he immediately sees Isaac Newton, and calls "I found you!" Newton says:
"You didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square meter! You found Pascal!"
What did the Indian woman say to the three meter drape?
You'll be sari.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is it OK to hate certain races?
Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.
I took my old computer to a computer repair shop
I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"
Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"
Me: How much acceleration would it need ?
Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
hitlers loaves
h**... walked up to one boy, he asked the boy,"how high can you jump?" The boy replied one meter. h**... gave the boy one loaf of bread. h**... walked up to the second boy and asked,"how high can you jump?" The boy replied 2 meters. h**... then gave him two loaves of bread, h**... finally walked up to the third boy, who saw what happened before and realized the pattern, h**... asked him the golden question,"how high can you jump?" The boy excitedly replies with 10 meters. h**... then pulled out a gun and shot him dead.
h**...'s eyes then looked at his soldiers and said," Dear god, he could've jumped the fence!"
How do you tell how angry your girlfriend is at you?
Check the humadatme meter.
I went to the gym the other day to check out their new 10 meter barbells
When I got there, the queue was going all the way out the door.
I decided to go home instead, it wasn't worth the long weight.
You're It!
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It's Einstein's turn to be it, so he closes his eyes and starts counting, Eins, zwei, drei… Pascal runs off and hides under a big bush. Newton runs over to a nearby driveway, takes out some chalk, and draws a box around him that is one meter long on all four sides. As soon as Einstein opens his eyes, he sees Newton and says, What are you doing? I found you immediately, Newton!
Newton says, Nah-ah! I am one Newton per square meter, so I'm actually Pascal!
How do you see how fast somebody streaked by in their bathing suit?
With a speedo meter
I named my glucose meter Santa
because it knows if I've been bad or good.
My girlfriend is happy the metric system was invented
Otherwise I'd have never meter
I have a friend who's really into measurements.
You guys really should meter.
Did you see what meters squared did today?
The absolute unit.
What 20 meters long and bald?
The conga line at the cancer department.
My dad used to let me put my pocket money in a locked box under the stairs.
I was 15 before I realised it was the electric meter!
Did you know that they don't make meter sticks any longer?
Because if the made them any longer, it wouldn't be a meter.
A Scientific Joke !!
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide-and-seek. I'll be it!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three..."
Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, "Ready or not -- here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, "I found you, Newton!"
Newton replies, "No, you found Pascal!"
The Gryffindor trio went for a roadtrip.
Halfway there, Harry realised him being the driver forgot to check the meter.
"What were you thinking?", Ron & Hermione exclaimed.
*"Expecto Petroleum?"*
The cab
A Jewish guy in New York City is in a cab. The cab is going down the street when the cabbie sees a guy on the sidewalk mugging a woman. The guy is hitting her and trying to grab her purse. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.
The Jewish guy rolls down the window and yells, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"
A man walks into a bar.
He has a pleasant evening drinking with his girlfriend and buddies until the establishment closes.
As he is leaving he steps into a bar
-wood taxi, which he called to take him home.
As the taxi driver is pulling away he hits a bar.
To start the meter.
As the man enters his building he hits a bar.
To open the main entrance.
He steps into a bar,
of artificial light as he pushes the button for the elevator.
Then the man walks into a bar.
Swung directly at his head by his angry wife.
Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?
Whichever one the player's standing on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do non-Americans call someone with a f**...?
A meter maniac..
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.
It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.
Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einstein counted, and goes to the middle of it and starts to wait.
When Einstein reaches 10, he opens his eyes and immediately says, "Newton, I found you!!" he shouts.
Newton smiles and says calmly: "You didn't find me, you found Newton per square meter. So you found Pascal."
