Metal Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're huge metal fans

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Two wind turbines are talking to each other...

One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"

The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."

Two wind turbines...

Two wind turbines are in a field when one turns to the other:

He says: "What's your favourite type of music"
The second one says: "Actually I'm a huge metal fan"

Two windmills are sitting on a hill. One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies "I'm a big metal fan."

What kind of music do wind turbines listen to?

They're huge metal fans.

Two Wind turbines are in a field.

One turns to the other and asks: " what is your type of music ?"

"i'm a huge metal fan"

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

I like metal bands with female lead singers...

Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

Two electric windmills are standing in a field.

One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?" The second one replies "I'm a huge metal fan".

Two windmills were hanging out in a field. One windmill asked the other, what type of music do you like?

The other responded, I'm a huge metal fan.

What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?

Sleigher

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

I hate going through airport security...

For some reason I'm always stopped at the metal detector, even if i'm carrying NOTHING! So as you can imagine, on my latest trip, when I successfully got past the metal detector I was so pleased that I whispered "YES" to myself. As you can imagine, that didn't go down too well.

Two windmills are in a wind farm.

One turns to the other and asks, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a huge metal fan."

One windmill asked another what kind of music it likes

The other windmill responded "I'm a big metal fan"

I was just at a lecture about how to fasten metal together.

Riveting stuff.

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

What do porn and heavy metal have in common?

Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

SPOILER ALERT:

I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

What kind of music do windmills like?

They're huge metal fans.

Imagine how someone from a thousand years ago would respond if you told them that in the future there will be giant metal birds that fly people around the world?

Don't you mean across?

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They seem to be big heavy metal fans.

Two windmills are in a field.

One turns to the other and asks, "What's your favorite type of music?"

"I'm a big metal fan" the other one replies.

What kind of music do windmills listen to?

They're all big metal fans.

A drunk brings home a friend after a night of drinking

Immediately upon entering the friend notices a large metal plate hanging on the wall, with a sledgehammer on the floor underneath it.


"What's that?" he asks the drunk.


"Th-tha's my talking clock!" The drunk stutters. "It's a little vulgar, though."


The friend wants to know how the clock works, so the drunk grabs the sledge and hammers away at the plate, making a ton of noise.


Almost immediately, there's a voice: "IT'S THREE AM YOU FUCKING CUNT!"

Walter.

I was in the park the other day and saw a guy practising his athletic trials, with a long metal stick for the Olympics. I asked if he was a pole vaulter, and he replied "Nein, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"

The Rabbit, The bear, and The genie.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. The rabbit trips on a glistening metal object. The bear quickly picks up the object which appears to be a silver oil lamp.

A genie appeared forth.
The genie looked at the bear then the rabbit, then back at the bear.
"Alright, which of you schmucks freed me?"

"Me" the bear and rabbit said simultaneously.

The genie looked at the rabbit, then back at the bear. "Alright, I'm in a good mood, so you both get three wishes. Who's going first?"

The bear volunteered. "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female" He said.

"I wish I had a motorcycle" said the rabbit.

"Done and done" said the genie. Next wish?

The bear got a dumb smile and said "I wish all the other bears in the surrounding forests were female."

The rabbit hopped on the motorcycle. "I wish I was wearing a helmet"

"Alright. easy enough."

The bear a grin across his face yelled "I wish all the other bears in the world were female!"

The rabbit revved the engine, put on some goggles and as he sped away yelled "I wish the bear was gay!"

A paranoid man stays at a hotel,

As per habit, he checks every inch of his hotel room looking for mics, cameras or any surveillance device.
Sure enough, right in the centre of the room, under the bed, under the carpet is a small, black metal object firmly bolted to the floor.
He takes out his equipment, detaches the metal object & throws it out the window.
The next morning the hotel manager knocks on his door & asks him,
"Good morning sir, did you have any problems last night?"
"Not at all" the man answered, "why do you ask?"
"Well, it's very strange" said the manager, "but in the room directly below yours, the chandelier suddenly fell down in the middle of the night".

I once knew a blacksmith who didnt like metal...

it was ironic.

What do you tell a metal head who's walking on an icy street?

Slip not.

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses

The most trustworthy knight

A king is about to set out on a journey far away from his home, and must leave his wife behind, but is worried about her faithfulness. He asks the local blacksmith to create a chastity belt that will keep his wife faithful, and so the blacksmith gets to work right away. The blacksmith brings the king a set of metal undergarments with a lock in the back, and a large hole in the front. The king asks why the blacksmith would leave a hole in such a spot. The blacksmith proceeds to get a short stick, and place it in the hole. Immediately, the end of the stick is chopped off by a blade within the hole. The king is impressed, so he leaves on his way after giving the undergarments to his wife. On the day the king returned, he assembled all of his knights in a line, and told them to drop their pants, in order to see who had tried to have their way with his wife. To his displeasure, the king saw that all down the line, every knight had lost his member to the blade, with the exception of one. The king congratulated the knight on his trustworthiness, and asked that he be made the new general in his army. The knight simply shook his head. The king asked again, and again the knight simply shook his head. Confused, the king asked the knight why he refused to accept such an honor, only to have the next knight in line turned to the king and say, "Forgive him, your majesty, he has had trouble speaking since his tongue was chopped off."

Something nice happened to me today.

I'm a huge metal fan in high school. During math class, a beautiful girl sat next to me. She turned me on so much but she didn't notice me though. I tried really hard to impress her and she is hot.

Now the teacher is passing back the last week's test. She looks at me and she starts smiling and playing with her hair. I'm spinning and I can't handle it.

The teacher then trips over me. I broke down and stopped spinning. The beautiful girl then frowns. I looked back at the front of the room while trying hard to keep cool. I have no power.

The teacher plugs me in. I start spinning. I'm a huge metal fan.

So I started a new band.

We scream aggressively about how broke we are to heavy guitar riffs.

We're called Debt Metal.

Metallica and Nonmetallica should come together...

To form a ionic band

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

Two wind turbines are talking to each other..

One asks the other : Hey what kind of music are you into?

The other one answers : Well I'm a big metal fan..

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her. The first man said. You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,
The agent replies, Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I can't kill my wife. The agent replies, You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.

What's a wind turbine's favourite kind of music?

Well I don't know much but I'd say they're a big metal fan

From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. One of them turns to ask the other, "What kind of music are you into?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.

He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"

He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor.

He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity"

He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee.

He says to himself "...well I guess I could get used to the smell."

After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."

After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar

The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.

He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and grabs a drink. There, he sees a gorilla in the corner of the bar doing its own thing. The person, intrigued, asks the bartender, Why do you guys keep a gorilla in the corner of the bar? .

The bartender replies with, Well the Gorilla is here for one specific thing .

The bartender taps the table three times, the Gorilla comes over, and the Bartender proceeds to smack the Gorillas head with a giant metal pole. The gorilla begins to bend down, and gives the bartender the best blowjob of his life.

After finishing, the bartender turns to the man and says Would you like a go?

Excited, the man replies, Sure! Just try not to hit me too hard!

What sound does a red metal rod make when it hits a white metal rod?

*PINK!*

I don't always listen to heavy metal, but when I do...

...so do the neighbors.

What do you call someone who writes death metal instrumentals?

A decomposer

CIA final test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists:
two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in
a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair."

An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.

The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.

The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"

The old man haughtily replies "If you had done that before then we wouldn't be in this situation!"

Just in time for the holidays

A guy goes back to his home town for Christmas, and he stops by the local diner to get his favorite breakfast, eggs Benedict. But he has a special request, he wants it served on a big shiny metal plate. The waiter doesn't understand why, so he asks him "Sir, why do you want eggs Benedict on a shiny metal plate?" And the man says "Because there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise."

Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story

On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.

Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"

Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"

Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"

Lot's of people know about Will Smith and rap, but did you know he's good with metal too?

Because he's a black Smith.

Did you hear about the suspect who was released from jail after he touched grounded metal and received a static shock?

He was cleared of all charges.

I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.

But i didn't think it wood work........

so i decided to add some metal work instead,

but i realised it steel wooden work.....

Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"

He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

What does a metal frog say?

Rivot rivot

2 windmills next to each other in a field, one goes "what kind of music do you like?" ...

The other goes "I'm a big metal fan"

What do you call a punk band that knows how to play their instruments?

A metal band

Banana juice

My Slovak girlfriend told me this today. I think it's an old one where she come from:

A farmer is riding his horse and cart through his village while carrying a large metal flask. A policeman sees this and stops him. "What's in the flask?" he asks suspiciously. "Is it alcohol? You know it's forbidden to ride a horse and cart while you're drunk."

"It's just Banana juice", replies the farmer innocently.

"I don't believe you", says the policeman, and grabs the flask from the farmer. He takes a huge swig, and grimaces at what he's just swallowed. "Urgh! That's disgusting!"

"It's just Banana juice", repeats the farmer.

"Doesn't taste like bananas to me", says the policeman, "but it doesn't taste of alcohol either. So I'll have to let you go."

"Thank you very much", says the farmer with a smile, as his flask is returned to him. Then he gathers up the reins, gives them a flick, and says to his horse, "Giddy up, Banana!"

Why did the robot see a psychiatrist?

Because he had metal health problems...

I tired to impress a girl by putting the pedal to the metal

But she'd seen transhcans open like that before

Why did Moby Dick join a heavy metal band?

He could really whale.

What do you call a Metallica song after being transcribed?

Sheet metal.

A Canadian, an American, and a Pakistani are wandering through the desert

They're wandering along hoping to find some water or a ride out of the vast desert. As they trot along, the Canadian kicks a metal lamp that was buried in the sand. They pick it up and rub it, then out pops a genie.

The genie says, "since there are three men present I will grant you all one wish."

The Canadian quickly replies, " Good sir, if it's not too much trouble, I wish for Canada to thrive forever and always. May our lands be fertile, our hockey teams excellent, and our people even better." The genie nods his head and it is done.

The Pakistani insists on going next. He says, "Oh powerful djinn, I ask that you would surround the entire Muslim world with a wall so high that no western influence, soliders or bombs could corrupt or change our way of life. I pray that the Muslim people would be free to do as they wished forever and ever." The genie nods his head and it is done.

The American says, "fill his wall with water."

An Amish man and his son...

An Amish man and his son go to the mall for the first time- they are amazed! All the stores, all the people! But what takes the cake is a strange double sliding metal door with numbers over it. They watch entranced as an enormous senior woman in a wheelchair rolls inside the doors, and they shut almost silently. The numbers blink up, pause, and then back down, and the doors reopen. A gorgeous, much younger women in a miniskirt emerges and walks away. The father turns, astonished, to his son and hoarsely says, "Go get your mother..."

Two windmills are out in a field...

...and one says to the other: "What kind of music do you listen to?"

The other replies: "I'm a big heavy metal fan."

My brother and I were setting up a tent...

Well, he's a bit clumsy, always been. He slipped and fell back on the pile of metal poles. Got himself right in the arse. I had to take him to the hospital and everything.

It wasn't too bad, all in all, but he did have to get a tentanus shot.

I apologize for this terrible pun, but it was something I thought up and didn't know where else to tell it, where I wouldn't get physical eyerolls.

Titanium is a most amorous metal...

When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.

What kind of metal was the Titanic made out of?

Zinc

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES**

- Very Reactive
- Highly Unstable
- Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
- Money Reducing Agent


**OCCURRENCE**

- Mostly found in front of the Mirror.
- It's highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.
- It has mixed properties when seated with parents.
- Very harmful to you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!

A man walks into a bar with a little sliver of metal on his tie...

The barman says "sorry, we don't want your tie-pin here"

The death count nears 50 after scaffolding collapses and crushes fans at a rock music festival...

Eye-witnesses say there was a lot of heavy metal.

Two windmills are talking.

One says to the other what kind of music do you like?

The other replies I'm a huge metal fan!

What music do wind turbines listen to.....

They're huge metal fans.

Ba-dum chi

What would someone in the 13 hundreds say if you told them we fly in giant metal birds all around the world?

You mean across?

I paid $3 for a block of metal yesterday

It was really quite the steel

A wind turbine's friend asks him what music he likes

Wind turbine: "I'm a big metal fan."

A pregnant woman got shot by a thief 3 times.

She went to the doctors, and they told her she could have a $45000 operation to get the bullets removed, or the triplets would pee it out when they were older. She was very poor, and decided against the operation.

7 years later, the first kid runs to her and says "Mommy, mommy, a bit of metal came out in my pee-pee last night. " So she says not to worry. Her second kid comes to her a few minutes later and says the same.
When the third kid comes, she says "Was there a bit of metal in your pee-pee last night?"
And the kid says: " No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog. "

OJ Simpson has a new death metal band called:

Black Stabbeth

Toughen Up

I'm sick of people telling me I'm a weakling so last night I went to the gym.

After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge.
Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said... "Stop pulling on the door mate, we're closed."

Two windmills are on a date and one asks the other, "So what kind of music do you like?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

Fine Bros can't sue metal beams,

Because they don't react to jet fuel.

I just couldn't stop watching the video about mechanically joining metal...

It was riveting.

What do you call a baby metal band?

Ultrasound

I really enjoy fastening bits of metal together

It's riveting

What are the funniest metal jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Metal? Well, here are the best Metal puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Metal pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes