met Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious met stories

What are the best Met puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Met? Well here is a complete list of Met dad jokes:

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.


I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.


I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.


How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.


My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.


On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."


I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.


Tarzan learns about sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.

And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

Tarzan not know sex he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.

Horrified Jane said,Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

Here she said, pointing to her privates,you must put it in here.

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed What did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel.


My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.


Down with the metric system

No more foreign rulers!


I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.


The Sportsman's Double

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'


I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny


Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.


My wife and I were happy for 20 years..

..then we met.


Met a beautiful girl today..

I was walking in the park when i bumped into this beautiful girl. Straight away sparks flew, she fell at my feet and ended up having sex right there and then.

God, i love my new Taser.


Two Blondes

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto;

"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night"

"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other


I'm going out with a girl I met online who's a vegetarian...

I've never met *herbivore*



Met a Dwarf Today....

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"


It's Christmas time at the Pearly Gates..

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates'
Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said
'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man
with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'


An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams...

An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams. He falls madly in love with her and decides that he is gonna marry this girl...but first he needs to introduce her to his mother.

So he calls his mother, "Ma, I've met the one. I met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to met her, but since you think you know me so well I'm gonna bring 3 girls home and I want you to try to figure out which one I'm gonna marry"

So that Sunday the man brings 3 beautiful women to dinner. They enjoy the meal together and the mother starts to clean up the dishes. The son follows her into the kitchen and confronts her, "So ma, which one of these girls am I gonna spend the rest of my life with? Which one of these girls am I gonna marry?"

"The one in the middle," says the mother

The man is shocked, "That's the one! I gotta know how you knew, ma?"

"Outta the three girls, that's the one I don't like"


Never lie to your Mother

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom.


Jimmy the Bum

I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Tom. He asks, "You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He's gotta be the dumbest SOB I've ever met." We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. "Hey Jimmy," Tom greets the bum with a smile and holds up $5 and a $1 bill in each hand "which one ya want?". Jimmy instantly points to the $1 bill and Tom hands it over to him. Tom has his laugh and walk off, "I'll meet you inside buddy. You try it with him, Jimmy picks the smaller bill every time." I asked Jimmy, "You gotta know the $5 is worth more, but why did you take the $1?". Jimmy replies with a shrug, "If I take the $5, he would have stopped giving me money years ago".


I once met a spider from Baghdad...

He was an Iraqnid.


A man, whilst in a supermarket, approaches a woman he's never met before."Er Hello, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks. "You see, I've lost my wife...

"Yes, If you want, but why in the world do you want to speak to me?"

He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere..."


Jane found Tarzan attractive

When Jane met Tarzan in the jungle, she had never seen such a fit man, and she was greatly attracted to him. As they got to know each other, she asked him what he though of sex.

"Sex? What is sex?" Tarzan asked.

She explained the concept, and he responded, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree for that."

Jane was horrified and said, "Oh no, you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here, Tarzan," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan stepped closer, removed his loincloth, and then gave her a powerful kick in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

He replied,"Tarzan check for bees first!"


I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until

I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

but I'd never met herbivore.


This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club.

I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.


I met a girl with 12 Nipples, sounds funny?

Dozen tit


Two red blood cells met and fell in love

but alas, it was in vein.


Two antenna met on a roof...

fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was *excellent*.


Two old guys were chatting in the park.

"You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years," said one guy.
"What happened?" asked the other guy.
"We met," sighed the first.


Two antennas fell in love..

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


Successful Sons.

Four friends met up for a game of golf, and while one man went to grab a drink, the other three men spoke about how successful their sons are.

Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.

Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet

Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle

Guy 4 walks back to the group of the other 3 guys

Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about

Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are

Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gay stripper

Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life

Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from his three boyfriends.


Snow White and the Three Dwarfs met Goldilocks and the Seven Bears at a party last week

They exchanged numbers


A man arrives in heaven.

He's met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who consults his book and tells the man that his sins weigh almost evenly against his righteousness and the angel is having a hard time deciding whether to let him into heaven.

"Listen," says St. Peter. "Tell me of a selfless act you performed to convince me you are truly good."

So the man says, "Well I was driving across the state one time and I saw a group of bikers dragging a screaming woman off road, away from her car. I pulled over and ran to them shouting to let her go."

"Well that certainly was brave," said St. Peter. "When did you do that?"

"About five minutes ago."


Two guys died in a car crash...

There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."


Jane Meets Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What`s that" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan not stupid - check for bees."


Train Situation

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"i have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket."

after a moment of silence, he farted.


I have a step ladder

I never met my real ladder .


Olympics, the new tower of Babel

The German Olympian

I met an athlete near the Olympic Park
I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
He said "No, I'm German...
and how do you know my name?"


I met this vegetarian girl yesterday

i had never met herbivore


Now that you put it that way...

A christian missionary spends a year in a remote African village spreading the gospel. In that time the tribal chiefs daughter gets pregnant, and eventually has a baby that turns out to be white.

Outraged the chief confronts the missionary. Being the only white person his daughter had ever met, he accuses him of being the father and betraying his trust.

Calmly the missionary walks with the chief to the edge of the village where some sheep are grazing.

"Chief, there is always an explanation for everything. For example, you have over one hundred white sheep out there, but in the midst of them all is a single black lamb, and nobody even questions why. Now look at your situation and try to find understanding in your heart for this strange set of circumstances we now find ourselves in."

After silently watching the flock of sheep for a few moments the chief replies to the missionary.

"Tell you what. You keep quiet about that little black lamb out there and I won't say anything about the baby."


Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.

Happy new year!


I met a girl with 12 boobs once...

sounds funny dozen tit.


Texas: The Miracle State

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied.

"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."


I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence...

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.


Once there was a boy who really liked tractors...

Tractors were his biggest hobby. He had lots of toy tractors and on weekends he would go and watch the farmers drive their tractors around in the fields.
As he grew older, he still liked tractors, but not as much because he started to find other interests.
When he turned 20 he met a beautiful girl and fell in love. One night he decided to take her out for dinner to a local restaurant. As they were eating, the whole room started to fill up with smoke. Everyone was panicking so he jumped up and said "calm down, I've got this!". He stood on his chair and sucked in all the smoke in the room, then walked outside and blew it all out.
When he returned back into the resturant, his date said to him "oh my god how did you do that?!" To which he replied: "I'm an ex-tractor fan."



So a teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence. A boy stood up and said, "Ok this is easy. I met a beautiful girl one day and harassment a lot to me"



You've red some of the best met jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about met. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty met gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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