Met Jokes

What are some Met jokes?

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me

Met a prostitute who said she'll do anything for $50...

Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...

A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5"

Jokes on her, I'm 4'11

 

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?

All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish

I met an Anti-Vaxxer today...

Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

I met a pretty girl.

Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5

So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.


"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

I once met a girl with a tattoo of a conch on her inner thigh

When I put my ear to it I could smell the sea

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.



P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.

Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee

Brocco Lee

This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant...

But I've never met herbivore!

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...

I swear I've met herbivore

I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release

It was destiny

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

My daughter told me to treat her like a princess...

so I made her marry a man she has never met before in order to secure an alliance with France.

This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me

I said I never met herbivore

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.

I met my wife in an African Languages class.

We just clicked.

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn't understand.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years..

..then we met.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!

Gosh I love my new taser

Two Blondes

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto;

"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night"

"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other

When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers...

But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying

I'm going out with a girl I met online who's a vegetarian...

I've never met *herbivore*


:)

I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China"

It was her made-in name

Have you met the guy with 5 dicks?

His underwear fits like a glove.

I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe...

I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe;
I said, "They're all named Joe?"
She said "Yeah it's great! When it's time for dinner I just have to yell "Joe! Dinner!" and they all come running.
I said, "but what do you do if you just want one of them?"
She said, "Oh then I just use their last name."

Met a Dwarf Today....

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

I went out dressed as a chicken last night.

and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.

I once met a man with 5 penises. I said "That must be rough"...and "how does your underwear fit?"

He said "Like a glove!"

I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".

Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"

I said, "Sem Ting".

I once met a spider from Baghdad...

He was an Iraqnid.

Met a girl in the park...

Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet.



These taser guns are well worth the money.

I went to a brothel and met a prostitute

I asked her what are the prices?
She said:

£20 for a hand job


£50 for a blow job


£80 for sex


And for £120, i'll do anything!


Anything hmmm....


She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.

You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!

I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until

I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

I've never met a full on jew

They were all just sort of jew-ish

I met this girl with a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh

She told that if I put my ear to it, I can smell the ocean.

Two red blood cells met and fell in love

but alas, it was in vein.

I met a ninja and asked if he could throw those pointy stars that ninjas have.

He said, "shuriken."

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

Two antenna met on a roof...

fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was *excellent*.

I called my wife and said that I'll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.

I think she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

Met a microbiologist this morning

He was bigger than I expected.

A woman once said she recognized me from the vegetarian club

But I'd never met herbivore.

How to make Met jokes?

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