Met Jokes
166 met jokes and hilarious met puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about met that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From hilarious meetups to hilarious gala encounters, this article will have you laughing out loud! Learn about the different types of "how we met" jokes and explore Ida's hilarious take on them. Perfect for anyone who loves a good laugh!
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Funniest Met Short Jokes
Short met jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The met humour may include short encounter jokes also.
- My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
- I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
- What is a Pirate's favorite letter? The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind . - I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
- I met a magical genie once. He gave me one wish. I said "I wish I could be you" The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."
- This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
- A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5" Jokes on her, I'm 4'11
- I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly... She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".
- My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a french alliance.
- I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though. He said "Alright, I'll write all right."
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Met One Liners
Which met one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with met? I can suggest the ones about meet and tinder.
- I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours. We just clicked.
- I once went on a blind date with a vegan I never met herbivore
- I met an Anti-Vaxxer today... Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.
- Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee Brocco Lee
- A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan... I swear I've met herbivore
- I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release It was destiny
- I met my wife in an African Languages class. We just clicked.
- My wife and I were happy for 20 years.. ..then we met.
- I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China" It was her made-in name
- I met a girl who was a solid 10 but she hated Harry Potter Now she is a 9¾
- I once met a spider from Baghdad... He was an Iraqnid.
- I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea. I think he might be my Seoulmate
- Two red blood cells met and fell in love but alas, it was in vein.
- Met a microbiologist this morning He was bigger than I expected.
- How I Met Your Mother... ... is the longest and most popular Ted talk.
How I Met Your Mother Jokes
Here is a list of funny how i met your mother jokes and even better how i met your mother puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother.. We couldn't come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.
- I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother… There's just one episode and it is about the wedding.
- I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW!
- Have you seen the Indian adaptation of 'How I Met Your Mother' ? It's called 'How My Parents Met Your Mother's Parents'
- My boyfriend and I met on the internet! My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me and my boyfriend replied, I just used a modem.
- I sat my children down to tell them the story of how i met their mother... They said "Dad, Atleast wait until Mom dies to start thinking of dating someone else...."
- That awkward moment when... ... you realise the entire run of "How I Met Your Mother" was one big Ted talk!
- What would Barney Stinson say if he had Alzheimer's ? Have I met your mother ?
- The shortest person I've ever met was the divorced mother of a physicist She was a single μm
- In India, 'Married At First Sight' would be called 'How I Met Your Mother'
Demands Met Jokes
Here is a list of funny demands met jokes and even better demands met puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians... They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.
- Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.
- The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes. I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.
- A busload of lawyers was hijacked by terrorists... ... They're threatening to release one per hour until their demands are met.
- Did you hear about the terrorists who hijacked a plane of lawyers? They threatened to release one every hour til their demands were met.
- I promised my wife that I haven't kissed a single girl since we met the married ones are less demanding
- The Dallas shooting suspect demanded a cell phone. The police met his demand In fact they gave him the latest phone, the brand new Samsung Galaxy C4
How We Met Jokes
Here is a list of funny how we met jokes and even better how we met puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.
- I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered The chicken
- This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant... But I've never met herbivore!
- Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless.
- This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me I said I never met herbivore
- I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier... He made me an offer I couldn't understand.
- My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life. Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.
- When I was in college I met a girl at a bar and we exchanged phone numbers... But then every time the phone rang it was for her. It was very confusing and annoying
- I'm going out with a girl I met online who's a vegetarian... I've never met *herbivore*
:) - When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
Met Gala Jokes
Here is a list of funny met gala jokes and even better met gala puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did they say about the Swordsman's outfit at the Met Gala? That is was very Avant En Garde.
Laughable Met Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about met you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fulfill jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make met pranks.
I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''
Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Met a p**... who said she'll do anything for $50...
Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...
Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"
Yuri replied: "Yes."
"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."
Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"
Yuri replied: "No."
"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."
I met a pretty girl.
Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Met a h**... who said she'd do anything for $5
So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Blondes meet up for coffee...
Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.
Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service
Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.
Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says I used to date that guy before I met you
Bill laughs and laughs and says wow, imagine where you'd be if you would've married that guy!
Hillary looks back at Bill and says I'd be married to the President of the United States
~ Courtesy of my father
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wonder if Buzz and w**... had ever met Andy's mom's toys.
They probably have the same names
Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.
I met a few of his cousins too;
The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.
The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.
The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.
The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.
The one who is so sure of himself, Definite Lee.
The one you can always predict, Usual Lee.
The one whose always smiling, Happy Lee.
The one in disgrace, Shameful Lee.
The one that isn't very good looking, Ug Lee
AND,
The one who likes perfection, Exact Lee
In short, I met the whole Fama Lee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After a 2000 year absence, the v**... Mary takes a trip down to earth.
After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."
The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "No, that's part of life on earth."
The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is Mary."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin met with Zalenskyy and said "After I die, I bet you'll p**... on my grave"
And Zalenskyy said "No, after I got out of the army I promised myself I would never wait in a line again"
A deer enters a bar...
A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."
The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"
The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."
"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."
I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe...
I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe;
I said, "They're all named Joe?"
She said "Yeah it's great! When it's time for dinner I just have to yell "Joe! Dinner!" and they all come running.
I said, "but what do you do if you just want one of them?"
She said, "Oh then I just use their last name."
Met a Dwarf Today....
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met someone online who shares my f**... for urinating on dried fruit...
Next week we're going to go on a date
With the help of my wife I am officially a millionaire.
Before I met her I was a billionaire.
A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .
When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.
Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?
Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.
Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.
Cowboy: Well now you have.
Woman: Well?
Cowboy: Well what?
Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?
Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?
Woman: I'm a lesbian.
Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.
Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.
Cowboy: . . . .
The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
harharhar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".
My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes
Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.
The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind brother so that's why it bothered her. One day I got a call, and found out that she got in a car accident and lost her sight.
After that she just stopped seeing me.
The secret of long life
A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.
The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."
So the young man did this religiously every day for the rest of his life, and sure enough, lived to the age of 100.
When he died he left behind 6 children, 10 grandchildren, 56 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband tells his wife that he met a girl with 12 b**....
Husband: I met a girl with 12 breast.
Wife : That sounds strange.
Husband: Dozentit.
I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..
She's my Seoul mate.
Met a girl in the park...
Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet.
These taser guns are well worth the money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a brothel and met a p**...
I asked her what are the prices?
She said:
£20 for a h**...
£50 for a b**...
£80 for s**...
And for £120, i'll do anything!
Anything hmmm....
She's now fitting my downstairs bathroom and repainting my living room.
You can ge some real bargains if you shop around!
If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...
If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.
I met a ninja and asked if he could throw those pointy stars that ninjas have.
He said, "shuriken."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two elderly men
Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.
The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.
The first one went.
"I think mine was dead. I moved her, shook her. No reaction whatsoever".
The other guy said.
"This is nothing. I'm convinced mine was a witch. In the heat of the moment as we were going at it I bit her a**.... She let out a massive f**.... Then flew out the window taking my dentures with her."
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
Tom Hanks is the rudest celebrity I have ever met
I asked for an autograph and all he wrote was Thanks.
This time 5 years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl I've met out for dinner, today I asked her to marry me,
she said no both times.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met a girl in a club last night and after a few drinks, she asked if I would like to go back to her place for s**.... I didn't want to disappoint her, so...
...I said "No."
today my internet went out for About 3 minutes......
Met my family downstairs. They seem like nice people.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
Wife told me she slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen
Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men died on Christmas Eve...
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's p**....
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The p**... replied, "These are Carols".
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical.
Then I saw her place...
Snow White and the Three Dwarfs met Goldilocks and the Seven Bears at a party last week
They exchanged numbers
I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...
He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't b**... Your Mother
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
Texas: The Miracle State
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist
Well, he said he was a hung a**...
After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,
Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents
Husband's night out
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
