messed up Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious messed up puns

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

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True friendship

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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A penis has a hard life

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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The life of a penis is a sad one....

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"

"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."

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My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she's sangria then ever…

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Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.

The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."

To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"

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To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It's going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.

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Helping a friend.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced at 7.30 pm after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: The dishes are not done, the house is a mess, there is no grocery and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?
Husband: Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!

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My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

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A piece of string walks into a bar...

and tries to order a drink.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here"

The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair.

The string goes back into the bar and orders again.

The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?"

"No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"

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Never Mess with Kids

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.
The man turned to him and said, Let's talk .

Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ?

Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power?

Kid:
Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question…
Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty & horse clumps.
Why?

Man: I don't know.

Child: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know shit.. ?

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It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

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Mess with someone's mind

Make your day more fun by going up
to a stranger and asking "Hey, how
have you been since the amnesia?"

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The life of a Dick.

A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

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A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

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True Friendship

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.

"My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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String

A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.

The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.

The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Wife texts husband, "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband replies, "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife sends back 5 minutes later, "Computer is really messed up now."

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People think my room is a mess, but it's actually very organized

Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it's on top of something.

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If I had a dollar for every time I messed up the punchline

To get to the other side

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I warn you not to mess with me!

I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiujitsu and 22 other japanese words.

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I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

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A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner...

His wife screams, "You asshole! My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner... unannounced at 7.30 PM, after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: The dishes are not done, the house is a mess, there are no groceries and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?
Husband: Coz he's thinking of getting married, and I promised him a demo!

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A Penis Has A Sad life...

His hair is a mess,his family is nuts, his closest neighbour is a asshole,his best friend is a pussy &a his owner beats him viciously

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It's 'P' as in "Pterodactyl"

I always say this to English learners just to mess with them XD

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If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants,

I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

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His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A dick has a hard life.

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A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

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An inmate went messing, and his cellmate, a cannibal, claimed he had eaten him

The warden didn't believe him, so the cannibal finally threw up his hands out of frustration.

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What are the most funny Messed Up jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Messed Up? Well, here are the best Messed Up dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Messed Up pick up lines to share with friends.

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