The Best 85 Mess Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Mess jokes. There are some mess chaos jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mess wipes puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Mess Jokes and Puns

I keep my house in strict military order.

My kitchen is always a mess.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

Husband comes home and says:

Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.

Mess joke, Husband comes home and says:

Judging by the mess in the living room.

Babies don't bounce.

Did you go to school by horse?

I like to mess with my tennis teacher, he is over 50 and he gives it right back to me by how bad i play.


It is Fred's first day in prison.

After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.

Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."

Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."

"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"

Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.

Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.

"What happened?" he asks.

The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

a priest and a rabi...

a priest and a rabi are eating lunch when a young waiter drops a tray of dishes. as the waiter bends over to pick up his mess the priest mumbles "man I would love to screw him!" to which the rabi says "out of what?"

Mess joke, a priest and a rabi...

A message from a girl

Received a messages from a girl, "come quickly to me, there's nobody home." I went. Indeed, there was no one.

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

I warn you not to mess with me!

I know Karate, Judo, Aikido, Jiujitsu and 22 other japanese words.

You can explore mess messed up reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mess chaotic dad jokes. There are also mess puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds.

I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa! I'm way too high!"

-Bruce Baum

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.

One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.

The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.

"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"

"Yes."

"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"

"I don't see why I would, boss."

Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,

"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

A man hails a cab...

...and gets inside. The driver starts, and decides to mess with the man a little bit. "I'm actually a spy you know" he says to his passenger. "Really?" The passenger says. "Yeah, you see the man on that bike? I need to take him down" He speeds up a bit and right when he's about to hit the bike messenger, he slows, just missing him. The driver then hears a thud, when the passenger says, "You missed him, but I got him with the door!"

Going to a church potluck...

A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow.

"Ok," he says, "My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."

His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, "Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"

"Woah woah woah," the first man says to his friend. "Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you."

Don't ever mess with the French Midget Mafia...

You might find yourself taking a long walk off a short Pierre.

Mess joke, Don't ever mess with the French Midget Mafia...

Mess with someone's mind

Make your day more fun by going up
to a stranger and asking "Hey, how
have you been since the amnesia?"

Masturbating while hooked up to a heart monitor can really mess with a hospital staff

They never know if you're coming or going

A pilot is coming in for a nighttime landing...

He decides to mess around so he turns off his lights and says to the tower:

"Guess who?"

The tower replies by turning off the runway landing lights and says:

"Guess where?"

(from my old flight instructor) :)


A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"

The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest

"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.

He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.

"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks

"Not until after the cops get here. "

Eyelash surgery

Mess up an eyelash surgery and no one bats an eye.

Mess up a brain surgery and everybody loses their minds

A plumber rings the doorbell

"Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy.

"Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late"

"That's fine, my sister must have called for you"

"Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?"

"Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

[NSFW] Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?

My mom keeps asking me who made a mess at the dinner table

I spilled the beans

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was.

He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

I've been messing about with my ouija board and i asked it if i was gonna get laid tonight.

The pointer keeps gliding between the H and the A. It's been half an hour now....

International Contest

Great Britain and the USA are having a contest about who can mess up their country the most. Britain is leading, but the USA have a Trump card.

A message from a Canadian to all Americans out there..

I'm sorry

The best thing about protected sex is not having to worry about the mess afterwards.

Or as most people call them, "Children".

Whats the difference between being kinky and perverted.

When your kinky you mess with the feathers, but when your perverted you mess with the whole chicken.

"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."

" I know all that," he said.

"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.

he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

Girlfriend asked me what to do this evening...

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do this evening? Should we go out bowling or should we go upstairs and mess around in the bed? I told her that I am NOT going to put my fingers in some dirty hole where hundreds of guys had put their fingers in before me!!! So we went bowling.

It's 'P' as in "Pterodactyl"

I always say this to English learners just to mess with them XD

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she's sangria then ever…

A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway.

Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone?

Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there.

Cop: Sir, that's the route sign.

At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess.

Cop: Sir, is your wife alright?

Driver: Oh, you see, we just got off of i87.

Joke is courtesy of my dad.

Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.

The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."

To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"

Joe approached the gates of Heaven and God asked him what he had done in life that made him worthy...

Joe: "I once saw a gang of bikers harassing a woman, so I went up to the biggest and baddest one, gave him a punch across the face, and said 'If you want to mess with her again, you'll have to go through me first.'"

God: "Really? When was that?"

Joe: "About 5 minutes ago."

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

A joke walks into the bar

He starts aggressively drinking until he starts puking all over the bar.

After the he finally leaves, the bar tending looks around at all the mess and mumbles,

"Man, that was a pretty sick joke."

A message from my late father...

"Caught in traffic. Running behind."

People think my room is a mess, but it's actually very organized

Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it's on top of something.

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them

"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!

Eat up!

Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It's going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.

I messed up while sexting with Kim Jong Un.

"Send Nukes"

What do rain and reign have in common?

Before they end, both fall and cause a huge mess.

I have been messaging some 14 year old cutie.

Last night she told me she was an undercover cop. How cool is that for such a young age!

A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced

When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:

"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"

"Because he's considering getting married"

People say that the President of the United States is a joke and no one respects him.

I dunno, Vladimir Putin doesn't seem like the sort of guy you'd mess with.

The situation down south is too much

People unhappy, wanting to leave their country and come over to ours like they're entitled to it, corrupt law forces and an all around mess. As a Canadian this is too much

Why was the fan a hot mess?

Because it felt trapped and needed somewhere to vent.

I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujit su...

and other 28 dangerous words.

I have three kids named Ctrl, Alt, and Del.

When they mess up, I hit them all at once.

Guy dies and is at the pearly gates

St. Peter says: before I can let you in, you must tell me one selfless act you did while alive

Guy says One time i was driving and saw this motorcycle gang harassing a little old lady. I pulled over and went up to the biggest guy punched him square in the face and said - LOOK, if you mess with her, you mess with me

St. Peter said wow, that's pretty impressive, but I don't see it in your records. When exactly did this happen?

The guy said oh, about five seconds ago

A message to Christians who believe same-sex couples should not adopt:

Jesus had two dads and he turned out fine.

Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess.

I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.

My daughter had a sleepover last night. I awoke to a mess of rice scattered all over the floor...

...turns out they were having a pilau fight.

Somebody attacked Bill Clinton's vice president with a chainsaw.

Witnesses described a mess of blood and Gore.

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

A bit of rope walks into a bar...

A bit a rope walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve ropes here." The rope walks out of the bar and proceeds to twist himself around into a tangled mess. He then tousels the ends of himself before walking back into the bar. The bartender says "Aren't you that bit of rope I just kicked out?" to which the rope replies "Nope, I'ma 'fraid not"

String vs bartender

A string walks into a bar bartender yells at him we don't serve your kind here So the string walks out of the bar, bends over, mess up his hair, and walks back into the bar bartender asked him aren't you that string I threw out earlier string looks at him and says No I'm a frayed knot

Why should you never mess with a beaver in the wild?

Because it's none of your dam business.

Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.

At first, it sounds like a great idea.

But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.

My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine

So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she Sangria then ever.

Message to SpongeBob:

You live in Bikini Bottom, and you're super absorbant...

Face it; you're a tampon

Hilarious Joke

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat.

Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie.

I can't, says the poodle. I'm not allowed on the couch.

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

Drinking alcohol slowly turned me into an emotional mess.

So I started drinking it faster.

What do yo call a tall, muscular Irishman with a temper that you shouldn't mess with?

Liam Malone

Messy drinker

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, What'll you have? The skeleton says, Gimme a beer and a mop.

With how messed up 2020 and the world has been lately...

It's great to see Donald Trump so positive.

A little son asks his father what a communism is...

...and the father starts explaining:

"Well, son, once upon a time there was this man named Lenin, except his real name was Uljanov. He had a friend named Stalin, except he wasn't his friend and his name was Dzugashvili. They started the October revolution, except it wasn't a revolution, it was a coup, and it wasn't in october, it was in november..."

"Jesus, dad, what a mess!" proclaims the son.

"Son, now you understand communism!"

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.

I asked if she had any good cheating tips

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it ...

It's Spam.

Give shampoo to your real friends.

And real poo to your sham friends.



(Repost, because it turns out, you can mess things up even before 2AM)

My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it....

I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....



But now she's sangria than ever...

Two mentos are in a bar...

...just enjoying a drink of coke, (as they do of course.)


Then a Halls Cough Drop walks in.


One of the mentos hides under the table. Shaking.


The other one asks him "What's up?"


The mentos hiding under the table replies "You don't wanna mess with him... "


"...he's F--K!NG MENTHAL!"

"

I ran into my ex the other day.

Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.

If you think your life's a mess, take some anti-diarrhea drug

So you can your shit together

Revenge on a four-year-old child

A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.

I led the child over to my piano, where I allowed him to randomly hit a few keys. I remarked "Wow, your son has a good musical sense, he's quite talented!"

I heard the child hasn't had any free time ever since.

You don't wanna mess with Kelvin.

He's an absolute unit.

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.

Husband: I know all that.

Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

A few minutes after she was hired, the boss and the secretary got up from the couch in the office and started dressing.

"I want to confess", the secretary says as she lifts her pants.

"I hope it does not mess up our relationship after what has just happened on the couch. But I don't really type as fast as I said in the interview."

"It's okay", the new boss replies, "I want to confess, too, and I hope it doesn't mess up our relationship - I'm not the boss here at all, I'm the cleaner…

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I'm as jittery as a cat.

Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the Labrador.

* I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch. *

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mess housework jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mess tangle piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes