Merry Christmas Jokes
88 merry christmas jokes and hilarious merry christmas puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about merry christmas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Merry Christmas Short Jokes
Short merry christmas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The merry christmas humour may include short happy christmas jokes also.
- Knock Knock Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :) - What do you call an old snowman? Water...
\---
*Courtesy of my 8-year-old this morning. Merry Christmas!* - I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!) - The Wi-Fi at my parents' house is really slow, so I hope this sends... but I just wanted to wish you all a very merry Christmas for tomorrow!
- Just now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India? We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.
- What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia.
Merry Christmas. - The twelve days of Jokemas, day twelve What is Santa's favorite part of celebrating Christmas every year?
It's in the present
Merry Christmas everyone! - As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift... My dad remarked that this wasn't the kind of puppy that needed batteries.
Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas to all the paranoia sufferers out there.... Just remember, you are not alone.....
- What do you call an Elf that sings? A wrapper!
Merry Christmas.
I hope you got what you wished for. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Share These Merry Christmas Jokes With Friends
Merry Christmas One Liners
Which merry christmas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with merry christmas? I can suggest the ones about merry and happy holidays.
- Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you too, Team snapchat
- Merry Christmas.. Or Happy Heineken, as the case may be ;)
- How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? Fleece navidad
- Merry christmas and happy new year! - Internet explorer
- Do you love Christmas? Then why don't you merry it?
- What do you call a dog on the beach? Sandy Claws
Merry Christmas - When Mary found out she was pregnant was it a miracle? Or a Christ-is?
Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! If that's politically correct.
- Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you.
- What did the artificial Pokemon say after being greeted, "Merry Christmas"? Mewtwo.
- How do you say Merry Christmas to a sheep? Mehhh-ry Christmas!!!
- What did Santa Claus say the three prostitutes? Merry Christmas.
- Why do we say Merry Christmas? We should say Happy 2018th Birthday Jesus!
- merry christmas?? i hardly know her!!
- Merry christma NOT, ahahahhahahaha
Great Merry Christmas Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about merry christmas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean santa christmas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make merry christmas pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Santa's bad day
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were gone, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of r**.... When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had finished the cider and the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the liquor bottle, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa stomped to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
An Israeli Joke
An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap.
Me: "Hello, is this the Police?"
Police: "Yes. What do you want?"
Me: "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding m**... inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"
Police:"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They swore at Billy and left his property.
Soon after they leave the phone rings at Billy's house:
Me: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
Billy: "Yeah!"
Me: "Did they chop your firewood?"
Billy: "Yep."
Me: "Merry Christmas, Buddy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oh, Floyd!
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?''
''Yes, what can I do for you?''
''I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding m**... inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.''
''Thank you very much for the call, sir.''
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood... only to find no m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly the phone rings at Virgil's house.
''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd... Did the Sheriff come by?''
''Yeah!''
'' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!''
Merry Christmas, buddy!''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas Angel
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of r**.... When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful Christmas tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
It was Christmas Eve and everyone was feeling merry.
...So Mary got up and left.
Everybody was feeling Merry at the Christmas Party...
...Mary got upset and went home.
It was Christmas day.....
and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
What does a Mexican cop say when he wishes you a Merry Christmas?
Police Navidad.
Question about a song:
Who is Phyllis Navi Daad and why are wishing her a Merry Christmas?
All Pedro wanted was weeweechu
It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's lo ok at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! In advance😉😉
Know Thyself, said Jesus.
in the biblical sense. Merry Christmas.
What do you say when a pokemon fan wishes you a merry Christmas?
Mewtwo
It was the night before Christmas, and all were feeling merry
So Mary went home
Colorado changed the name of Christmas to Juana.
"Merry Juana!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the anorexic cow take great offense when the farmer wished him Merry Christmas?
...because he was a moo-slim.
Merry Christmas:2002
How do you know every Tickle-Me-Elmo is male?
Before each one leaves the factory they get two test-tickles!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Merry Christmas and Happy h**... idays to friends and oved ones c ose and far. B essings to you and yours this Yu e season.
This is my no-L greeting!
What's Quentin Tarantino's favorite Christmas Carol?
Django Bells.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!
I asked Santa for something to wear and something to play with...
He brought me a pair of trousers with holes in the pockets.
Merry Christmas everyone!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.
Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."
The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".
The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"
Merry Drunk, i'm Christmas
lol - i just got a sweatshirt saying this ✌✌✌✌
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you stop a dog from biting you on Monday?
Rip its teeth out.
Merry Christmas!
MC hammer
Merry Christmas hammer!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the linguistic description of sentences like h**... h**... h**...' and 'merry Christmas'?
They are both santa clauses.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**..., h**..., h**..., Merry Christmas!
This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.
What do you call a grasshopper that forgot the words to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"
A "hum" bug.
Just found out the kid isn't mine...
This just went from a Merry Christmas to a Maury Christmas.
It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...
As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What's that?" I asked.
"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a bunch of angry europeans on a piece of land?
Ire-land
Merry Christmas and HNY
What do pizza bakers say to each other on Christmas Day?
Merry Crustmas!
Merry Christmas!
What's your favorite Christmas carol? Mine is The First jkmn .
A man goes to the doctors to find a cure for his lack of hearing
The doctor prescribed a hearing apparatus, and scheduled him in for surgery in December.
After the surgery was complete, the man asked the doctor if everything went well. The doctor responded, "everything is fine sir. We've run our tests and you're ready to be discharged. Merry Christmas, and a happy new ear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mate wished me a Merry Christmas earlier.
A bit early, yes, but he suffers from p**... congratulation.
What did the Italian barista say when he received a new car for his christmas bonus?
It's a merry car, no?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the green f**... say to the red f**...?
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas Month!
I found out Mike Tyson is Scientologist today...
I wished him a Merry Christmas ...and he replied "Thetans Greetings"
A couple went on a date in December...
He pulls out a ring and says, Merry Christmas!
So she took the ring and married Christmas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roses are red, violets are blue(ish)
Have a merry Christmas, unless you are Jewish.
Merry Christmas to you...and you...and you!!
If you came here for gold, shame on you!
"I wish you a Merry Christmas!" said the lamb to the goose.
"Have a blessed Easter!" replied the goose.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**...! h**...! h**...! Merry Christmas
So,it's Christmas again. another extended holiday
To drink as much as you can without worrying about going to work and other things that need your sober attention
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did Frieza say to Santa after He wished him/her Merry Christmas 🎄
Oh - h**... h**... h**...
Did you know Superman has a brother who doesn't celebrate Christmas?
His name is No-El.
Merry Christmas!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Merry Christmas for the whole world .
**Merry Christmas** for the whole world .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause...
Daddy did too. Now they're getting a divorce. Merry Christmas my a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Sorry, I suffer from p**... congratulation.
