Merkel Jokes

Following is our collection of eurozone humor and comrades one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Merkel puns for adults, dirty frau jokes or clean ukraine gags for kids.

There is an abundance of lithuanian jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 39 funniest jokes on merkel. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any angela merkel witze you can hear about merkel.

The Best jokes about Merkel

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:

Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.

Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.

Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"

The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.

Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you...

I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"


Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.

"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?" he asks.

"No, just visiting for a few days."

Russia has too many time zones

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones. -"Why"? Putin asks

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

"Why?", Putin asks him.

"Ah, I can't find myself with these times."

"I fly to another city, call home and everybody's asleep."

"I last woke up 4 in the morning, but thought it was only evening."

"I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday, and she tells me she had it yesterday"

"I wish the Chinese President a Happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"Well, these are just minor issues", Putin answered him.

"Minor issues? Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the President? I call them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!"

Greek/German joke I heard recently

So Angela Merkel decides to try to shore up some Euro solidarity by taking a vacation in Greece. When she gets to the border crossing, the guard looks over her papers and asks her "occupation?" "No," she replies, "just a vacation this time."

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea

Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL HITLER WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"

Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!"

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a large submarine emerging from the water. The hatch opens, and a sailer shouts at them,

"Sieg Heil! We need fuel!"


Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a waterfront

Trump says, "American submarines are the best. The best, let me tell you. They can stay underwater for two weeks, okay. Two weeks. When anybody asks me who builds the best submarines, I say America. Nobody builds better submarines than us."

Putin says, "That is good, Donald, but I'm afraid Russian submarines can stay underwater for two months at a time."

Suddenly, there is a big commotion in the water. As Trump, Putin, and Merkel turn their heads, they see a large submarine surfacing. Moments later, the hatch opens, and a man in uniforms pops out and says, "Heil Hitler, is ze war over yet?"

Barrack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel are having a meeting...

...and at one point they start bragging about their submarine fleets. Obama goes: "We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 4 months straight", to wich Putin replies: "Phwahaha, thats nothing! We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 8 months!" After that, they look at Angela, wondering what she has to say. And with a lot of embarassement and insecurity in her voice she says: "i don't really know a thing about our fleet...so i cant tell"

And just at that moment a submarine emerges at the naval base in Kiel, a sailor steps out and yells: "Heil Hitler! We need diesel!"

Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days

Trump, Putin and Merkel are sitting at the North Sea...

..when Putin goes "We have submarines, that can stay up to 12 days under water without refueling!"
Trump replies "Ha, that's nothing, we have a huge tremendous one that can stay up to 2 month without refueling!"
Merkel feeling ashamed, staring down on the ground.

At the exact moment an old, rusty submarine is raising out of the water. The hatch opens, a man with long grey beard and dirty clothes climbs out and yells "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel!"

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."

Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:

"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"

The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"

Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."

Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a little girl are on a crashing plane.

But there are only three parachutes. So Angela Merkel takes one, saying: "I'm really important so I should live." Donald Trump takes one, saying: "I'm the world's cleverest man, I should live!" But the Pope says to the little girl: "You're a young child, you're more important than me." But the girl says: "It's ok, the world's cleverest man just jumped off with my rucksack."

Now that Macron has won in France and Merkel heads Germany...

they shall be known by their celebrity couple name: Mackerel.

Hollande, Putin and Merkel sit on a plane to visit Obama.

They didnยดt get the permission to land so they arrive an hour late. Hollande steps out first shaking Obamaยดs hand and saying "Iยดm sorry for being late.". Second Putin steps out of the plane greeting Obama and adding "Iยดm sorry for being late, too.". Last one leaving the plane is Merkel and she walks to Obama and says "Iยดm sorry for being late, three."


Heard this joke a few years back when it was still Bush and Sarcozy and thought it was quite good at mocking our talent for the English language (i am German myself).


What do you call a German fisherman?

Angler Merkel

So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.

Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"

Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"

Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"


P.S: Benzin= Petrol, but the joke works way better with benzin IMO

Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and Vladimir Putin are being chased by a horde of angry Arab bandits.

"Please stop chasing us, I'll pay you!" Trump screams, but the bandits just keep charging.

"Please stop chasing us, I can get your countries accepted into the EU!" Merkel yells, but the bandits seem to dislike this offer and continue the charge.

"I have an idea," says Putin. He turns around to face the bandits, smiles, and says, "Prevyet, comrades! You are now crossing the border of the mighty Russian Federation!"

All the bandits flee screaming.๏ปฟ

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.

She reaches customs.

Officer: Name?

Merkel: Angela Merkel

Officer: Nationality?

Merkel: Deutsche

Officer: Occupation?

Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

What do you call a sleeping Merkel?

A Snorkel

The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

Why did Angela Merkel cross the road?

Because the pedestrian light indicated it was the appropriate time to do so

World Leaders

President Macron, Theresa May and Angela Merkel meet for a summit at the North Sea.

Gazing over the water, May says, "We have a submarine that can stay underwater for 10 days."ย  Macron responds, "That's nothing, our submarines can stay underwater for 30 days!"ย  Merkel looks quite ashamed and shies away, when suddenly a U-Boot surfaces, the hatch opens and the commander looks out: "Heil Hitler, we need Diesel!"

Trump gets back from an official visit to Germany, and starts tweeting

"Just got back from Germany, but couldn't meet with Chancellor Merkel- SAD! Had to meet with his UGLY secretary, who's got a bowl cut and is barely a 3 at best."

Russian Joke (Obama and Merkel meet in private)

Obama tells Merkel:"Listen, I have three buttons, red, green and yellow. If I press the red button, there is no more China, if I press the red button, there is no more Russia, if I press the green button, Europe is gone".

Merkel says... "That may be, however, my grandmother had three toilets. A gold one, a silver one, and a delft one. However, when the Russians entered Berlin in 1945, she crapped herself in the hallway.

Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...

...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"

Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."

Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil Hitler, wir brauchen Diesel!"

Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a beach, arguing over whose Navy is the best.

Donald Trump says, The US Navy is the best navy! We have submarines that can stay underwater for a whole year without resupplying!

I've got you beat, Putin replies. Russian submarines can stay underwater for ten years without ever resupplying!

Merkel is about to respond, but she is interrupted by a splashing in the water. Suddenly, a massive iron ship surfaces and a bedraggled man hops out of it.

Heil Hitler! The man says. Which way to Berlin?

Angela Merkel was discussing the plan for a war...

...against China with her generals.

Merkel: So can we take on 1.4 billion Chinese with only 83 million Germans?

Generals: No worries, 8.8 million Jews in Israel had been taking on the whole Arab world since 1947.

Merkel: So do we have enough Jews to take on China now?

Trump, Putin and Merkel meet on a ship in the Nordsea to discuss which U-boats to use for the NATO.

Trump, Putin and Merkel meet on a ship in the Nordsea to discuss which U-boats to use for the NATO.

Trump: "American U-boats are the best boats in the world, they can stay under water for a year!".

Putin: "Ha, If you Americans had better spice you would know that soviet boats are the best boats in the world!"

They both look at Merkel, waiting for what she would say, but before she has time to come up with something a U-boat emerges from the sea and a man in a black uniform emerges and screams: "HEIL HITLER, WE NEED MORE DIESEL!"

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer

'Nationality?' He asks

'German' she replies

'Occupation?'

'No, just visiting'

Did you hewr about germany beating Canada in ice hockey?

Man, you could call that a Merkel on ice

Why did Boris Johnson Brexit?

Because just imagine the baby he'd have made if he hadn't pulled out of Angela Merkel!

Why did the NSA spy on Germany ?

Because after meeting with Merkel, they heard Obama say "I'd tap that".

Angela Merkel has been German chancellor for 13 years. Not to invoke Godwin's Law, but you know who else was chancellor of Germany for 13 years?

Konrad Adenauer

PoliticsI have a list of politicians I don't like. I'm thinking about adding Macron and Merkel

*May* as well

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes