Merkel Jokes
44 merkel jokes and hilarious merkel puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about merkel that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Merkel Short Jokes
Short merkel jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The merkel humour may include short angela merkel jokes also.
- classic germans Angela Merkel arrives at passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days." - Why did Angela Merkel cross the road? Because the pedestrian light indicated it was the appropriate time to do so
- Angela Merkel visits Greece Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer
'Nationality?' He asks
'German' she replies
'Occupation?'
'No, just visiting' - Why did Boris Johnson Brexit? Because just imagine the baby he'd have made if he hadn't pulled out of Angela Merkel!
- Why did Angela Merkel ban use of crabgrass lawn treatments? She was told they would stop the "German nation"
- Did you hewr about germany beating Canada in ice hockey? Man, you could call that a Merkel on ice
- Angela Merkel has been German chancellor for 13 years. Not to invoke Godwin's Law, but you know who else was chancellor of Germany for 13 years? Konrad Adenauer
- PoliticsI have a list of politicians I don't like. I'm thinking about adding Macron and Merkel *May* as well
- Angela Merkel got sad when she heard that she didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize after taking in so many Syrian refugees So I offered her a tissue 🇸🇾
- Why won't Angela Merkel hear any new proposals on debt restructuring? Because she has Greece in arr-ears.
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Merkel One Liners
Which merkel one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with merkel? I can suggest the ones about submarine and chancellor.
- What do you call a German fisherman? Angler Merkel
- What do you call a sleeping Merkel? A Snorkel
- I am worried our new president will walk up to Angela Merkel... and grab her country.
- Who Wears The Old Clothes Of Angela Merkel? Angela Merkel.
- Why did Obama tap Merkel's phone? To hear a smart politician.
- h**... comes back from the dead and meets Merkel.
Angela Merkel Jokes
Here is a list of funny angela merkel jokes and even better angela merkel puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Angela Merkel announces German annexation of Czechoslovakia during G7 speech. *Russian *Ukraine
Witty Merkel Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about merkel you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean surface jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make merkel pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.
Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil h**..., we need more diesel."
Greek/German joke I heard recently
So Angela Merkel decides to try to shore up some Euro solidarity by taking a vacation in Greece. When she gets to the border crossing, the guard looks over her papers and asks her "occupation?" "No," she replies, "just a vacation this time."
Chancellor Angela Merkel visits Athens.
Angela Merkel arrives at the Athens airport & stops by the immigration check.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.
Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"
Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"
Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Barrack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel are having a meeting...
...and at one point they start bragging about their submarine fleets. Obama goes: "We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 4 months straight", to wich Putin replies: "Phwahaha, thats nothing! We have a submarine that can stay submerged for 8 months!" After that, they look at Angela, wondering what she has to say. And with a lot of embarassement and insecurity in her voice she says: "i don't really know a thing about our fleet...so i cant tell"
And just at that moment a submarine emerges at the naval base in Kiel, a sailor steps out and yells: "Heil h**...! We need diesel!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you...
I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?
Hollande, Putin and Merkel sit on a plane to visit Obama.
They didn´t get the permission to land so they arrive an hour late. Hollande steps out first shaking Obama´s hand and saying "I´m sorry for being late.". Second Putin steps out of the plane greeting Obama and adding "I´m sorry for being late, too.". Last one leaving the plane is Merkel and she walks to Obama and says "I´m sorry for being late, three."
Heard this joke a few years back when it was still Bush and Sarcozy and thought it was quite good at mocking our talent for the English language (i am German myself).
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the NSA spy on Germany ?
Because after meeting with Merkel, they heard Obama say "I'd tap that".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does Angela Merkel sleep at night?
She can't, she's too busy getting r**... by refugees!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump, Putin and Merkel are sitting at the North Sea...
..when Putin goes "We have submarines, that can stay up to 12 days under water without refueling!"
Trump replies "Ha, that's nothing, we have a huge tremendous one that can stay up to 2 month without refueling!"
Merkel feeling ashamed, staring down on the ground.
At the exact moment an old, rusty submarine is raising out of the water. The hatch opens, a man with long grey beard and dirty clothes climbs out and yells "Heil h**..., we need more diesel!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that Macron has won in France and Merkel heads Germany...
they shall be known by their celebrity couple name: Mackerel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump, Putin and Merkel are taking a walk along the Hamburg harbour...
...during the G20 summit. In an attempt to show off the technology and military strength of his country, Trump brags: "Our submarines are the best. The greatest. They're huge. They can stay underwater for 1 month without surfacing!"
Putin just shrugs and grumbles, "Is nothing. Russian submarine technology make for 5 months under water..."
Just as Merkel is about to say her piece on the matter, the three of them are startled by the water next to them bubbling and splashing as they see a big submarine emerge from the depths. With loud squealing the top hatch opens, a man climbs out and shouts: "Heil h**..., wir brauchen Diesel!"
Trump, Merkel and Kim Jong-un are in the Middle East being chased by ISIS:
Trump turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll pay you a million dollars!" The terrorists continued.
Then Merkel turns to them and shouts: "Stop chasing us and I'll give you German citizenship!" The terrorists still kept chasing.
Then Kim Jong-un turns and shouts: "You are about to cross the border into the People's Democratic Republic of Korea. Welcome!"
The terrorists screamed and turned to run away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a beach, arguing over whose Navy is the best.
Donald Trump says, The US Navy is the best navy! We have submarines that can stay underwater for a whole year without resupplying!
I've got you beat, Putin replies. Russian submarines can stay underwater for ten years without ever resupplying!
Merkel is about to respond, but she is interrupted by a splashing in the water. Suddenly, a massive iron ship surfaces and a bedraggled man hops out of it.
Heil h**...! The man says. Which way to Berlin?
Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a little girl are on a crashing plane.
But there are only three parachutes. So Angela Merkel takes one, saying: "I'm really important so I should live." Donald Trump takes one, saying: "I'm the world's cleverest man, I should live!" But the Pope says to the little girl: "You're a young child, you're more important than me." But the girl says: "It's ok, the world's cleverest man just jumped off with my rucksack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of p**... wigs in Sarkel, Russia
...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian Joke (Obama and Merkel meet in private)
Obama tells Merkel:"Listen, I have three b**..., red, green and yellow. If I press the red button, there is no more China, if I press the red button, there is no more Russia, if I press the green button, Europe is gone".
Merkel says... "That may be, however, my grandmother had three toilets. A gold one, a silver one, and a delft one. However, when the Russians entered Berlin in 1945, she crapped herself in the hallway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL h**... WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"
Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and Vladimir Putin are being chased by a horde of angry Arab bandits.
"Please stop chasing us, I'll pay you!" Trump screams, but the bandits just keep charging.
"Please stop chasing us, I can get your countries accepted into the EU!" Merkel yells, but the bandits seem to dislike this offer and continue the charge.
"I have an idea," says Putin. He turns around to face the bandits, smiles, and says, "Prevyet, comrades! You are now crossing the border of the mighty Russian Federation!"
All the bandits flee screaming.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump, Putin and Merkel meet on a ship in the Nordsea to discuss which U-boats to use for the NATO.
Trump, Putin and Merkel meet on a ship in the Nordsea to discuss which U-boats to use for the NATO.
Trump: "American U-boats are the best boats in the world, they can stay under water for a year!".
Putin: "Ha, If you Americans had better spice you would know that soviet boats are the best boats in the world!"
They both look at Merkel, waiting for what she would say, but before she has time to come up with something a U-boat emerges from the sea and a man in a black uniform emerges and screams: "HEIL h**..., WE NEED MORE DIESEL!"
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Engineering Joke.
Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this moment a Uboat emerges from the depths and drives up to the beach. A hatch opens, and a man in uniform pops out. He looks at the three, raises an arm and shouts: " Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
