Mercury Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

If Earth is the third planet from Sun after Mercury and Venus

Doesn't that make every country a third world country?

The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

Did you hear some people are saying listening to Queen causes autism?

Apparently it's because of the unusually high Mercury content.

God decides it's time for a vacation... he consults with a few of his angels to figure out where he should go for some much needed rest and relaxation. The first angel to speak up says "Well, sir, I hear Mercury is nice this time of year. It's nice and warm, you could catch some rays and maybe get a nice tan."
"That could be nice," says God, "but I'm not really in the mood for such warm weather."
Another angel chimes in with a suggestion. "Well if not Mercury, how about Pluto?" (Yes, I realize it's no longer considered a planet, but it works for the joke so calm down). "You could go skiing, maybe hang out at the lodge and pick up a snow bunny."
"Oh I don't know," replies God. "That's maybe a bit too cold for my tastes and honestly I don't really enjoy skiing all that much."
A third angel says, "You know, sir, there's always Earth. The climate is nice and temperate plus the people love you down there."
"That is true," says God, "but I really don't think I should. The last time I went there I hooked up with that Mary chick and they still won't stop talking about it."

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health

The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all

The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff

Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke

What do you call the mercury mine?

Hg wells

In 1982 Elton John attended one of Queen's concerts, but was shortly hospitalized afterwards.

Turns out they found traces of Mercury in him.

Why did Elton John have to go to hospital after the Queen concert?

They found traces of Mercury in him.

Bruno Mars, Venus Williams and Freddie Mercury walk into a bar

But they didn't planet that way

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

(Don't think it's been posted before,recieved it in an email and thought it was worth sharing.)

Why do you die if you listen to too much Queen

It has a very high mercury content.

Mercurian day

So - apparently one day on Mercury is an agonisingly long 1408 earth hours long...

In other words - one Earth Monday.

A Freddie Mercury Joke

If you had sex with Freddie Mercury and got AIDS, would that be considered Mercury poisoning?

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

Someone's written an album about thermometers...

I've heard it's been nominated for a Mercury Prize.

I see Freddie Mercury has had an asteroid named after him.

His surviving family have said how great it is to finally have Freddie immortalized in rock, and really appreciate the sediment.

You know, I heard listening to Queen has been scientifically proven to give people autism.

Apparently because of the unusually high Mercury content.

What kind of music do mercury, arsenic and lead listen to?

Heavy metal.

I don't like it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God...

I mean, he's great and good and all that, but he's no Freddie Mercury.

Why did the Anti vaccinator leave the solar system?

Because he found mercury in it.

You hear about the guy who died while listening to Queen for 24 hours?

He died from Mercury poisoning.

Freddie Mercury offered to cater my wedding, so I asked him how many cakes he'd be making.

He said I want to bake three.

Two men are hanging out at a bar, when one asks the other...

Mate, if somebody gave you ten million dollars to have sex with Freddie Mercury, would you do it?

The other man, who is gay, says I see no downside.

The first man said: Dude, Freddie Mercury died in 1991.

The other one replied, Exactly.

The Planets

71% water + 29% land = Earth

100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars

100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus

100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury

100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto

100% gas = Uranus

Freddie Mercury was once out with a couple of friends.

They were having a good time, when he got up to leave. They asked him what was the matter.

He said he had some business to attend to at the local Bee Farm.

So they said

Bee's Mill, huh? We will not let you go!

What do Freddie Mercury and a Chinese Outlaw have in common?

Raw men took 'em both out.

I ate so much sushi today

My mercury levels were so high I knew the waiter's temperature when he brought the check.

Daughter asked me, "Dad, who is your favorite Queen?"

I said, "Friddie Mercury"
And another one bites the dust.

Mercury curiously approaches the Sun with a question: "What kind of planet are you?"

I'm not not a planet," the Sun replies.

Amazed and confused Mercury inquires, "Then what are you? An asteroid? A *comet*?"

Already tired of the conversation, the Sun replies curtly, "I'm a motherfuckin' star, boi."

Why is Venus Toxic?

Because Mercury kisses the sun, Earth is courting Mars, and the other 4 already have a ring on it!

A recent study has shown that listening to too much Queen might be dangerous to your health.

It contains a lot of mercury.

What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?


What's the most popular song at the new Freddie Mercury night club?

Dancing Queen.

TIL that vaccines contain a small amount of mercury, a chemical component that leads to autism.

-Idiotic Soccer Mom, 2k16

What do you call it when an autistic child has a fever?

Mercury Rising.

One day on Mercury lasts aproximately 1408 hours

The same as one Monday on earth

It was reported that listening to the band Queen links to giving you autism...

It's because of the high Mercury content.

What planet would have the highest Indian population?


What did the priest say when Freddie Mercury was lowered into his grave?

"This is the cleanest hole he's ever been in"

Why was Freddie Mercury a great front-man for Queen?

He could perform "Under Pressure".

David Bowie and Freddie Mercury were on a road trip

When one of their tyres blew out.

Turns out it was under pressured.

What did the man with mercury poisoning say?

It's 83 degrees Fahrenheit and 28 degrees Celsius.

Freddie Mercury actually had a son, but was more distant to him as time went on.

His son started calling him Freddie Venus.

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a florescent light bulb?

None, they contain mercury and light causes phototropism.

Freddie Mercury wasn't really a homosexual...

He just ran out of girls.

What are the funniest mercury jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mercury? Well, here are the best Mercury puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mercury pick up lines to share with friends.

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