mention Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mention puns

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

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My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

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I gave my friend an elephant for his room.

He told me "thank you."
I said "don't mention it."

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When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

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"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

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Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

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A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them

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I like to tell girls I have my own private jet

But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still drive my 2002 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

*I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips*

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What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh..


-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as stupid as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.

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Remeber when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

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Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

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Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts

That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's furniture Emporium.

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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is

you do not talk about, name, hint at, refer to, discuss, or mention Thesaurus Club.

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A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...

"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."

The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"

"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."

"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.

"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and panties."

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If you can't afford healthcare...

Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

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Did Thor ever mention he had a brother?

He was very low-key about it.

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My friend gets mad when I mention he only has one ball.

That's no reason to get testy.

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A Man asks his lover in a restaurant

Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?

Woman : I love your company the most darling!

Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love

Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke


*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!

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A biker walks into a bar

and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it?" The biker then replies, "Well, not anymore if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."

The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."

The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"

The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."

The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."

The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

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Boy complains to his father

Boy: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!Β 

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

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A man is playing golf.

The first hit he lands on the ball sends it flying into the nearby bushes. He swears and goes to retrieve the ball. After another hit, the ball ends up in the sand pit. "God damn it," says the man grudgingly.

The local pastor, who was taking a stroll nearby, said to him: "Son, you shan't mention God's name in vain, He will punish you." The man pays no attention to the pastor and continues to play. Another try fails to bring the ball closer to the hole. "God damn it, missed again." The pastor, who continued to observe his game, remarks: "You'll definitely bring His anger upon yourself, young man". The man brushes it off again.

Suddenly, the sky darkens, and out of nowhere a lightning strike kills the pastor. Then, a voice bellows: "God damn it, missed again."

(It's a translation of a well-known Russian joke, forgive me for any inconsistencies introduced by it)

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I got my friend an elephant to put in his room.

He thanked me. I said "don't mention it."

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Guy tip:

If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.

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Studies have shown that women who are overweight

Are more likely to outlive men that mention it.

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My friend thanked me for inviting him along to Fight Club.

I replied "Don't mention it."

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Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight...

Live longer, than the men, that mention it.

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Girls are always the first to say "YOLO"

Until I mention anal

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My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

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A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

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Christmas...FB style!

β€Ž'Twas a cold day on Facebook, and all through the house.


Not a creature was posting, not even a #mouse.

The photos were set, in an album with care.

The girls were hoping someone would mention their hair.

.

But no one did, much to their despair.

No one really noticed, liked it, or cared.

Try as they might, taking pics all through the night.

Taking pictures of yourself, just isn't right.

.

With duck faces galore, and dressed up like a whore,

twas on this day in december, not a soul would remember.


Trust me you just aren't that hot, and we will just keep on livin',

yes on this day in december, not a flying fuck was given.

.

Cause for a fuck to be given, one has to be had,

And now I can see, and i hope you're not mad.

For no matter the process you took to look splendid,

not one person cared, and now this christmas story has ended.

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Born without ears

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby, but the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He then said, "Did the doctor say he can see good?" The mother said a bit bewildered, "Yes..., why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, 'cause if he needs glasses he's screwed!

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Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?

That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's Furniture Emporium…

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What are the most funny Mention jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mention? Well, here are the best Mention dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mention pick up lines to share with friends.

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