Mention Jokes
121 mention jokes and hilarious mention puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mention that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mention Short Jokes
Short mention jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mention humour may include short refer jokes also.
- I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
- Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle... Having 12 close friends after age 30!
- A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them
- I like to tell girls I have my own private jet But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi
- She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man... Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.
- Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
- Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's furniture Emporium.
- Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income? You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…
- I heard people are getting paid to mention companies and do product placement in their Reddit posts! That's almost as crazy as the discounts at Jez's Furniture Emporium. Sale this weekend
- If you can't afford healthcare... Go to an airport. They give free x-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they'll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
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Mention One Liners
Which mention one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mention? I can suggest the ones about recall and hint.
- There are 2 types of people 1. Those who are worth mentioning
- Did Thor ever mention he had a brother? He was very low-key about it.
- My friend gets mad when I mention he only has one ball. That's no reason to get testy.
- My wife says I talk in my sleep I don't believe it. No one at work ever mentioned it
- My friend thanked me for inviting him along to Fight Club. I replied "Don't mention it."
- I helped my friend hide a dead body. He said "Thanks."
I said "Don't mention it." - They said I'd get stronger if I hit the gym they didn't mention it would hit back
- Is that placebo working for you? Well, now that you mention it, no.
- My dad was a workaholic. You mention work, he got drunk.
- What do you call it when a story mentions terrible roads but never says why? Plotholes
- I like to say you're in my prayers to people I despise... Did I mention I'm an atheist?
- Who is Laura Mercy? And why do they mention her in every Reggae song?
- If you talk to a German football fan today Don't mention the VAR.
- Happy New Year 2016! Have I mentioned Internet Explorer is a great browser?
- Where are computers first mentioned in the Bible? When God gave Moses two tablets.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Mention Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about mention you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean note jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mention pranks.
Steven Spielberg dies and goes to heaven.
He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word.
"We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick," Steven admits.
"I'm sorry, but as you may know, Mr. Kubrick doesn't take meetings," Peter replies.
They continue on their tour until Steven notices a man with a beard, wearing an Army jacket and riding around on a bicycle. Steven stops in his tracks and turns to Peter.
"Hold on. That's Stanley Kubrick!" Spielberg shouts.
"No," Peter says. "Its God. He thinks he's Stanley Kubrick."
Johnny steals a pencil
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious.
"Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. And besides, you know that if you ever need a pencil, you can just say something. You can just mention it and I'll bring you dozens of pencils from the office."
-From a lecture by economist Dan Ariely
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...
"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."
The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"
"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."
"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.
"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and p**...."
Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…
…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"
Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."
Juan: "Yeah?"
Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"
Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."
Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."
Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."
Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."
Juan: "What was it?"
Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"
I think I just figured out why 7 ate 9
If 7 ate 6, it would have been odd and not to mention out of order of 7.
If 7 ate 10, again it still would have been odd to most people.
So i figured the reason 7 ate 9 is just to get even.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight...
Live longer, than the men, that mention it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A biker walks into a bar
and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it?" The biker then replies, "Well, not anymore if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
New beer at Tesco
Tesco have announced that they will be adding a new beer to their value real ale range.
Alongside the affordable Simply Golden Ale and the inexpensive Simply Dark, they're adding Simply Red, for when money's too tight to mention.
Why Do The Iroquois Mention Lord's in Their Constitution?
Because they'll never be royals.....
One night a fellow drove his secretary home...
... after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Guy tip:
If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.
A Man asks his lover in a restaurant
Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?
Woman : I love your company the most darling!
Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love
Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke
*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!
I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....
'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'
I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.
People doubt me when I mention how accepting Canada is towards the LGBT community.
But it's Trudeau.
"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.
"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.
Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"
I was so thankful....
I couldn't thank my friend enough for getting me into fight club.
"Don't mention it!", he said.
I mentioned to my friend Hanz that today's the anniversary of the world trade center attacks.
"Nein, 11" he said.
I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply?
"At least it's all behind you."
Whenever someone goes to the bathroom, my dad says, "Mention my name, you'll get a good seat."
Just kidding. I never knew my dad.
An autistic and a vegan walk into a bar
You only know because they mention it every other sentence
According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking.
Because if there's one thing women love, it's a man who can lie.
Studies have shown that women who are overweight
Are more likely to outlive men that mention it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A friend of mine was recently accused of having s**... with one of his clients...
As a result, he has been publicly humiliated, and is probably going to be indicted any day. On top of that, a wonderful marriage, not to mention years of schooling and training, wasted for a moment of weakness. It's such a shame, for he was truly a nice guy, and an absolutely gifted mortician.
They forgot to mention the doctor removed from UA
Is an abortion doctor escaping the South
My wife thanked me for buying an elephant for her room
I said don't mention it
Sorry, but I'm going to mention something heavy...
An elephant.
Donald Trump does not tell lies.
He said everyone would be covered under his Healthcare plan.
He just forgot to mention that the poor would be covered by 6 feet of dirt.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What type of fuel do painters prefer?
Whatever makes the van gogh..
-id like to mention, for what its worth, that this is an original joke (as s**... as it is), which i thought of independently. I was and am proud of it. If anyone finds it somewhere else please burst my bubble.
I really want my own reality show on TLC.
Did I mention that I am a morbidly obese little person with 18 children and I just escaped from Scientology!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't mention stds around my friend who has h**...
It's a sore spot
Everyone is wondering why Apple released the iPhone 8 and iPhone X (10), but didn't mention the iPhone 9.
It's probably because 7 8 9.
Once the night watchman received a pound too much in his pay-packet
But he didn't mention it to his boss. But his boss found out and deducted it the following payday.
'Hey, ' said the watchman, 'I am a pound short this week.'
'You didn't say anything last week when you were paid a pound too much, I noticed'
'NO', replied the watchman. 'I can overlook one mistake but when it happens twice, it's time to speak up!'
I used to work at a charity where nobody was allowed to mention Jesus
It was a non-prophet
How should you give credit to a parent who helped you write your thesis?
Mention their name in parenthesis.
Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.
They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.
Are there two companies named Comcast?
We all have that one vegan friend...
I said to mine, "Do you have to mention vegetables every single time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some religions allow men to have more than one wife.
But they fail to mention that it comes with more than one mother-in-law.
I hate it when people mention forgetting about their 2017 problems.
I'm coming into 2018 with 2012 problems
Obvious, innit?
A guy was very self-conscious, because he'd been born without ears. Despite this, he'd become general manager at his company.
He was still self conscious though, so when interviewing people, he'd ask if they noticed anything about him, anything they could mention about him, and if people remarked on his lack of ears, they didn't make the grade.
His first couple of candidates had been rejected, and he was pleasantly surprised when the third candidate said he'd noticed he wears contact lenses.
"What made you realise?" he asked. "Easy," came the reply, "people with no ears don't wear glasses."
The aches in my lats after yesterday's work out.
The trainer didn't mention any side effects.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar one night and orders a v**... on the rocks from the bartender. After he finishes the drink, he peeks into his shirt pocket before ordering another v**... on the rocks.
The bartender sees this but does not mention anything, after the man once again finishes his drink, he once again peeks into his shirt pocket before ordering another v**... on the rocks.
The bartender now curious said to the man "Look buddy, I'm happy to pour you v**... on the rocks all night but do you mind telling me what's in your pocket?"
The man looks up and says "It's a picture of my wife and when she starts to look half attractive, I know it's time to go."
Every time I mention to a woman that my favorite name is anesthesia, it doesn't end well
For her
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do vegans and single moms have in common?
They always have to mention it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are d**... like Diamonds?
Massive oversupply with artificial market restrictions in place. Everyone who has one thinks they are unique, and if one is in your hand you're expected to mention its size,
and fake ones are often just as good
Little Johnny once went camping on a school trip
At night, he approached his teacher's tent, and said, Miss, I am scared. I can't sleep alone. Can I sleep in your tent.
The teacher thought for a second, and said No
Johnny: But Mommy always lets me do so, when I am scared
Teacher : Okay, fine. But do not tell this to your friends
They both go into the tent
After a while, Johnny wakes up his teacher
Miss, I can't sleep. Can I poke my finger in your belly button? Mommy lets me do so when I can't sleep
Teacher: Okay, but do not mention it to anyone
After a while
Johnny, that is not my belly button
Johnny: Well, it isn't my finger either
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is s**...?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different s**... orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe s**....
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
How do you make an Episcopalian look at his shoes?
Mention Jesus or money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientists say the universe is full of protons, neutrons and electrons.
But they forgot to mention morons.
A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.
One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".
"Theres an elephant in the room!" exclaimed my friend by surprise
"Don't mention it" I said
Studies show that a fear of spiders means that you're more likely to find them in your bed...
... Then I should mention that I have a fear of beautiful women with long legs
A man comes across a genie who grants him one wish.
The man says, I would really like a bridge from San Francisco to Hawaii.
The genie says, That would be really difficult, with all the construction, engineering, not to mention the money such a bridge would require. I'm sorry, but is there anything simpler you would want?
The man thinks it over and says, You know, I've never been good at understanding women. I can never understand what my wife is saying. It's almost like she's speaking in code. Is it possible that you could make me better at understanding women?
The genie says, You want that bridge to be four lanes or six lanes?
Being a second child my parents always told me that unlike my sister I was planned
What they failed to mention was the parenthood part
I mentioned in another thread how I was about to post a joke to /jokes
one of the mods asked, is it a common repost?
I said, No. Is that still required?
I heard someone mention the new iPhone this morning
It's nice to see Apple branching out into sports
Why don't you guys mention Venezuela when discussing emerging markets?
Wow, they still have a market there?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My brother wouldn't stop talking about their s**... change from last year.
Now he doesn't mention it, he's clearly transmuted
I told my agent that I could sightread music like a world class pianist
I forgot to mention that pianist was Stevie Wonder
What's Pink, has a big appetite, and squeaks
kirby. You were expecting a pig, but I didn't mention a snout , ears, or a curly pink tail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the best way to commit karma s**...?
Mention you have autism.
I write jokes for a living and write code for fun.
I should mention I am unemployed, but there is a company that lets me sit in their offices all day making mobile apps for some regular money.
I once met a soldier who had never lost a battle.
It was considered impolite to mention that he had never actually fought a battle, either.
You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.
It must have been unbiblical.
Him: Thanks for pointing out the elephant in the room.
Me: Don't mention it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.
I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, but I don't know her size.
Will this help? she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
Oh, yes, I answered. Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.
Will there be anything else? the sales girl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves. Now that you mention it, I replied, she also needs a bra and p**....
Crisis averted?
Over the weekend I was sat next to a person eating a bowlful of those really fat pasta tubes in a tomato sauce. As I watched, one got nearer to the edge of the bowl but I couldn't mention it because the person was deep in conversation. I agonised for a few seconds wondering how I could stop a mess landing in the person's lap, but I couldn't think of anything. Yet, it was just then that the penne dropped.
So I'm sat in my mums car at the moment, just me, her and one of my friends who we are giving a lift to...
For the joke she made to make sense, I'll just mention I'm male.
I was bored and digging around in the glove compartment a moment ago, and found a trigger spray suncream container. It's labelled on the front "50+ kids", so I asked her why she had a squirty thing with 50 plus kids in it?
And she said "it's not unusual to have - you've got one with you wherever you go!"
I'm now sat in an awkward journey where my friend can't stop laughing, my mum can't stop smiling, and I have a frown glued to my face.
