Mentally Jokes

I believe in giving jobs to the mentally disabled...

but we shouldn't elect them President.

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar

And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night

I wanted my first time to be special.

A rich, young man walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a few drinks. As he is enjoying his beer, he sees a mentally retarded man outside the building.

Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched the old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he'd humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today?

The old man replied, You're the eighth.

I identify as an elongated fish.

People say I'm mentally eel.

What do you call a mentally retarded chef?

A slow cooker

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"

The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless.

He has been declared mentally unstable.

I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

Some say Trump is mentally unfit after declaring a national emergency?

However, it's all due to Hispanic attacks.

If a mentally challenged midget is late to an appointment...

... can you justifiably call them "a little tardy"?

So a mentally disturbed man walks into a dentist's office.

He says, "Doc, you gotta help me! I think I'm a moth!"

"You think you're a moth??" the dentist asks.

"Yes!"

"Well you don't need a dentist... you need a psychiatrist."

"I know," says the man.

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Well, you're light was on, so..."

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

Auditor: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

What do you call a person who kills cereal?

Mentally ill.

A journalist visits a mental hospital

A journalist visits a mental hospital for reporting and asks the doctor, how do you determine if a patient is mentally ill.

DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.

JOURNALIST: Obviously a normal person would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.

DOCTOR: No, you're silly! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this in Ward 7!!!

What do you call a horse that's thinking of home?

Mentally in-stable.

The Night Light


A 90 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

My mother took to me one of those buildings where they take the mentally ill.

A church.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...

It was wrong on so many levels.

What do you call a mentally challenged lion?

A leotard

What do you call 3 mentally handicapped people applying for the same job?

American politics

Why is Kim Jong Un so crazy?

His father was mentally Il.

I just watched a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered and his son is left physically disabled...

...Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Finding Nemo is a real thriller!

Movies

Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Friend 2 : Uhhh....what was it called?

Friend 1: Finding Nemo

Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon...

Apparently it's a real lunatic

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill.

But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."

His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied:
"Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

What do mentally retarded parents give their kids?

Hand me Downs.

They're not mentally disabled...

They're homies with extra chromies

What do you call a mentally challenged time machine?

A retardis

So I'm already kind of mentally unstable and my girlfriend just told me that she's pregnant.

I think I'm having a zygotic episode.


What do they do at a prom for a school of the mentally disabled?

Slow dance.

What's the difference between school and church?

In school, the teachers care about you mentally, at church, the priests care about you physically.

I tried to cheer my mentally challenged friend up...

...but I guess I shouldn't have said "Don't let an extra chromosome get you down."

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

Americans are the best when it comes to taking care of their mentally ill.

..they make them their President.

What do you call a mentally disabled firefighter?

Flame retardant

Three high school jocks are constantly annoyed

by a mentally challenged classmate. Since he has no concept of coolness, he's always talking to them as if they're his friends and laughing heartily at their attempted putdowns.

Finally they decide to really stick it to him. His father has bought him a new BMW, which only increases their ire. One day as he is cheerfully driving home from school, three cars are blocking the road. It's the bullies, eager to teach him a lesson and get him out of their hair for once and for all.

As he stops, they get out of their cars, all holding a baseball bat. One of them draws a circle in chalk on the road away from the BMW. "Get in the circle," he growls to the poor confused fellow, "and don't let me see you step out of it until we're done."

"OK," he chirps, and steps into the circle.

The bullies start swinging away at his car, busting a few windows and badly denting every side of it. "Now," one of them says, turning to him, "you understand what we think of you. Stay away from us, please!"

The victim hasn't fully comprehended the extent of the damage. In fact, as they turn to him, he's collapsing in laughter. He's snorting and nearly falling over.

"And what's so funny about it?" the angriest guy asks.

"Because while you guys were all busy with that, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Why was the mentally challenged midget crying?

He was a little down.

What did the mentally handicapped kid get on his math test?

Drool

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?



Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.

Wow, that's incredible, the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife.

Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?

Oh sweet Jesus , exclaims Bonnie. He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

Ofcourse mentally disabled people should be allowed to have jobs...

But to make them president of the United States is a bit to much.

I'm getting really sick of all this hate for Donald Trump.

It isn't nice to make fun of mentally ill people.

What do you call a mentally ill person without arms and legs?

Call him whatever you want, its not like he's gonna get up and do anything about it.

What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person?

The slow clap

Sexually and mentally confused white bear

Bipolar bear

Two guys from the mentally challenged ethnic group of your choice are building a house

One notices that the other is discarding half of the nails that he pulls out of his pouch.

"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

"The head is on the wrong end."

"Don't throw them away, you idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"

How many Catholics does it take to mentally scar a child for life?

Nun.

Tinder announced a new feature this week which gives users 37 gender options to choose from

And it's now easier than ever to avoid matching with the mentally unstable

what do you call a bunch of mentally challenged superheroes

the inbredibles

Why was the daydreaming horse put in an asylum?

He was mentally unstabled

If a mentally challenged person shows up late

Is it ok to call him tardy?

How do you repair a relationship between two mentally ill people?

Crazy Glue...

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who .....

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."
My dog's full of useful information like that.

I'm in a bad place right now

Not mentally, just in america

Did you hear about the fire at the school for the mentally disabled?

Some of the kids started it because they thought they were fire retardant.

A sad day indeed

About a week ago I was walking my dog Fido through the park and a mentally disabled kid ran up to us. Immediately upon reaching my dog he started petting him. My dog is not a violent dog by any means but he was spooked and bit the kid. After this incident he ended up getting put down. It saddens me deeply but at least Fido is ok.

A psychiatric patient believed he was running with the bulls.

He was mentally in Spain.

Person 1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Person 2: Why did it?

Person 1: Because he wanted to visit his friend, who is mentally ill.

Person 2: Oh how sad

Person 1: Ok then. Knock Knock.

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: The chicken

I work with mentally disabled people. Today I tried to tell a client the Nacho Cheese joke.

"Hey, you have nachos! What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"



"Tasty!" -Holds up a-okay sign-



"...Well...you aren't wrong!"



Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

What does a mentally challenged Time Lord use for travel?

A retardis.

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

Funny Comeback

I go into McDonald's and there is this fat girl making fun of this mentally disabled kid*

Me: you know, that could happen to any of us. You don't belong making fun of someone like that, what's wrong with you?

Girl: god gave me a mouth to speak and I'm going to use it

Me: well god also gave you a mouth to eat, you abused that privilege.

Girl: -speechless-

Me: oh and you might want to wipe that ketchup off your chin

Girl: *goes to wipe chin*

Me: no, your other chin

In Germany it's common for mentally ill patients to be committed to least ten different facilities.

They're in-zehn asylums.

I'm starting a program for mentally disabled people to restart there life with all of the technological advancements they may have missed out on when they were young.

It's called "are you restarted?"

Did you hear there's a pilot who only gives plane rides to mentally challenged kids??

What goes up must have downs

So this is society..

Muslim Shooter = entire religion guilty

Black Shooter = entire race guilty

White shooter = mentally troubled lone wolf

Accounting is hard

I guess you could say its mentally taxing

A mentally ill man visits his doctor

This is a joke I've only heard in Russian, so I did my best to translate it:

A mentally ill man visits his doctor.

While frantically brushing off his arms and torso he says to the physician "You have to help me doc! I'm covered in tiny alligators and crocodiles."

to which the doctor replies "Well then stop throwing them on me!"

What do you call a mentally ill bike trail?

A psyclepath.

I'm sick of people saying, "Its political correctness gone mad!"

That's offensive. You should say "Its political correctness gone mentally ill".

What do you call a mentally impaired French Man that cant say no?

A Oui-Tard

What do you call a mentally challenged Jew?

Auschwistic

Did you know the original programmer of Oregon Trail was beaten to death by mentally ill Discworld fan?

He died of dissin' Terry.

What do you call a mentally challenged feather pillow?

A downs pillow.

I had to show a knife to my mentally unstable friend who was being violent

Sad it came to this point

What do you call a mentally challenged person on drugs?

Baked Potato

I thought about posting a riddle to challenge everyone mentally

But most of you seem mentally challenged already.

What do you call a drug addicted woman who takes advantage of a mentally disabled man for years?

Jennay.

What kind of fish can only be caught by a mentally unstable fisherman?

A crayfish.

Tormented for over an hour... that poor mentally disabled man...

But, you have to give the intel folks who brief Trump, credit for trying.

You can't say America isn't inclusive and progressive

The Current president is a black man and latest election was between a female and a mentally handicapped person.

What do you call a retarded pickle?

Mentally Dill

What does a mentally disabled lizard said to be diagnosed with?

A Reptile Dysfunction

*ba dum tss*

I'll be here all night folks

I work at a UPS store where we employ mentally challenged people

It has its ups and downs.

What do you call group of mentally handicapped kids at a performance of "Peter Pan"?

Slow Children At Play

What do you call a mentally challenged person born in early to mid August?

A leotard.

What do you call the process of mentally breaking a cruel Mexican criminal using his only sons?

Cracking open a cold Juan with the boys.

What do you call a person who's having a thought-provoking idea?

Mentally challenged.

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