mental Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mental puns

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

👍🏼

When my wife left I was sad upset and lonely

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I've got a dog,bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink .



She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

👍🏼

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

👍🏼

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

👍🏼

How I learned to mind my own buisness.

I was out for a walk and passed a mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on in there.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting: "14... 14... 14..."

👍🏼

My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.

At least thats what the cat told me.

👍🏼

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

👍🏼

A zoophile, a necrophile, a sadist, a masochist, and a pyromaniac....

are all waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take them to the mental institution.

The zoophile says: "I'm bored. Let's fuck a cat!"

The sadist says: "Let's fuck a cat, then kill it!"

The necrophile says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, and then fuck it again!"

The pyromaniac says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire!"

The masochist says: "Meow!"

👍🏼

My mom went mental at me for tickling my little brother's feet today -

something about waiting until he's born?...

👍🏼

I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness

so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.

👍🏼

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call

A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"

Nurse: "A moment please"

After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

👍🏼

This is a frightening statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

👍🏼

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....

.

---

### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

---

.

👍🏼

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

👍🏼

A captain was flying over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.

"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.

The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

👍🏼

Cat with mental disorder

The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

👍🏼

Was walking by a mental hospital when...

I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 14, 14, 14, 14. My curiosity got the better of me so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration I then heard the people start chanting 15, 15, 15, 15.

👍🏼

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

👍🏼

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."



Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."



Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

👍🏼

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

👍🏼

Having sex in a mental hospital

Now that's fucking insane.

👍🏼

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

👍🏼

A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

👍🏼

Frightening Statistic

This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

👍🏼

An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started raping people.

The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.

👍🏼

My doctor asked me if any of my family members suffered from mental illnesses

I said no, they all seem to enjoy it.

👍🏼

A woman brings her elderly husband to the doctor for his annual check-up.

A woman brings her elderly husband to the doctor for his annual check-up. After the examination, the doctor pulls the woman aside.

"Your husband is in good physical shape," he says, "But I'm concerned about his mental health. He told me that when he gets up to go to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him."

"Oh, damn!" the wife replies, "He's pissing in the refrigerator again."

👍🏼

Observation

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.

Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"

The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

👍🏼

Mental Asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

👍🏼

If a mentally challenged midget is late to an appointment...

... can you justifiably call them "a little tardy"?

👍🏼

A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.

He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.

A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"

The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"

👍🏼

Sitting on a bench in a mental institution

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence... then the masochist said: "Meow."

👍🏼

A Sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniax are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,

a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on

a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture

it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and

then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it

and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,

have sex with it again and then burn it," said

the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist

said: "Meow."

👍🏼

I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...

That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??

👍🏼

During a visit to the mental hospital....

..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

👍🏼

What are the most funny Mental jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mental? Well, here are the best Mental dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mental pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes