Hilarious Mental Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Number 12...
A man is walking down the street when he begins to hear yelling. The man notices it's coming from the court yard of a mental hospital. Once he gets closer he notices they are all yelling the number 12. The fence being too high, he peaks through a hole into the fence to see why they are yelling twelve. To his surprise he gets poked in the eye and begins hearing everyone yell 13...13...
A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call
A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."
How do you bid farewell to a s**... open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.
"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"
Mental institution
There's a mental institution, and they are having a
patient evaluation, to see if any patients need to be there
any longer. The doctor then goes around questioning the top three candidates.
He goes to the first patient and asks him , "What is 3 times 3?"
After an hour of scratching his head, and with a confused look on his face he replies, "Two-hundred!".
"That is incorrect." The doctor responds.
He then asks the next patient."What is 3 multiplied by 3?" After a long period of time the patient
responds, "Thursday!". "That is incorrect replies the doctor.
He then goes to the next patient and asks him, "What is 3 times 3?"
The patient quickly responds, "Nine!". The doctor then says "Correct!,
how did you figure that out?" The patient then responds, "I multiplied, 200 by Thursday and then
I added three!"
Observation
There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.
Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....
Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39
"Fourteen!"
a man walks by a mental hospital and over the wall he can hear the patients saying,"Fourteen" over and over again. The wall is too high to see over and as he walks along it he sees a small hole. Bending down to look through and see why they are chanting "Fourteen", he can see some movement.
All of a sudden a stick pushes through into his eye!
Then he hears...Fifteen!...Fifteen!...Fifteen!!!
A man is walking past the mental hospital
through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.
When my wife told me she was going to give me some mental o**... s**..., I thought it was going to be silly.....
....but she actually blew my mind!
Frightening Statistic
This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
You can explore mental instability reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mental manic dad jokes. There are also mental puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
How I learned to miknd my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
This is a frightening statistic
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!
An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started r**... people.
The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.
I escaped!
A man phones up a mental institution and asks the woman behind the desk to speak to the man in room twenty-seven.
When she tells him that the man isn't there he shouts excitedly *"Good! That means I escaped!"*
Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,
Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
Do you know 25% of woman are seeking help for mental issues?
That means 75% are not getting the help they need
So a mentally disturbed man walks into a dentist's office.
He says, "Doc, you gotta help me! I think I'm a moth!"
"You think you're a moth??" the dentist asks.
"Yes!"
"Well you don't need a dentist... you need a psychiatrist."
"I know," says the man.
"Then what are you doing here?"
"Well, you're light was on, so..."
My Life s**......
...I'm 22 years old and the only job I've had so far was working in fast food. My co-worker hates me and has tried to kill me. Also I have no friends except a southern girl I like and my other friend who only hangs out with me because he is mental. I have to ride my bike everywhere because I can never get my drivers license. And the worst part is, I live in a pineapple.
During a visit to the mental hospital....
..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Was walking by a mental hospital when...
I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 14, 14, 14, 14. My curiosity got the better of me so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration I then heard the people start chanting 15, 15, 15, 15.
Was walking by a mental hospital when.....
I was walking down the street in front of a mental hospital when I heard a large group of people chanting 6, 6, 6, 6. My curiosity got the better of me thinking I was about to witness some sort of satanic ritual, so I peered through a small hole in the fence at which point a finger immediately poked me in the eye. After a short round of celebration and applause from inside, I then heard the people start chanting 7, 7, 7, 7.
I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness...
That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??
I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness
so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.
A man goes to a mental hospital to visit his elderly mother...
when upon entering, he sees a man making beeping noises and waving his arms around. "what are you doing?", he asks.
"I'm driving a car. Can't you see?"
"Actually, you're in a mental hospital and your car doesn't exi-"
Then suddenly someone shouted out "Don't tell him! I get $20 by washing his car!"
Cat with mental disorder
The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
If mental hospitals had walkways...
They'd be called psychopaths.
42! 42! 42!
A man Is walking past a mental health building, he can hear the patients in a yard shouting " ", not being able to see over the high walls, he finds a hole in the wall, as he looks through, a Finger pokes his eye. "43! 43! 43!" The yard shouts!
If a mentally challenged midget is late to an appointment...
... can you justifiably call them "a little tardy"?
At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"
"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.
Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine?
A mental hospital
A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting.
A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting from over the fence. He stops to listen and hears that they are saying "Five! Five! Five! Five!"
His curiosity peaked, he walks until he sees a hole in the fence. He puts his eye up to the hole to try to see what's going on, when he's poked in the eye by a broom handle! Angry and in pain, he starts to walk away and hears that the chanting is now, "Six! Six! Six! Six!"
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.
At least thats what the cat told me.
I was walking by a mental institution on my way to work
And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".
Depression in Mexico
There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.
My doctor asked me if any of my family members suffered from mental illnesses
I said no, they all seem to enjoy it.
A guy walks past a mental hospital
A guy is walking past a mental hospital with a high privacy fence, and can hear some kind of chant going on. As he gets closer, he hears them chanting, "sixteen! Sixteen! Sixteen!"Curious as to what is going on, he notices a small hole in the fence. He walks over and presses his face to it to try and see in, only to get poked in the eyes. The chant continues, "Seventeen! Seventeen! Seventeen!"
What is the cutest mental disability?
Awwtism
The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline
*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?
*Caller*: My life s**..., I see no way out.
*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.
*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?
*Hotline*: How close are you to India?
*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.
*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?
A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.
He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"
Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals
Due to their stable environment
My mom went mental at me for tickling my little brother's feet today -
something about waiting until he's born?...
What did the pencil say to the suspicious piece of paper?
I dot my i's on you!
-Heard this from an 85 year old lady in a nursing facility. The mental image of this joke is quite funny!
There's no pleasing my wife sometimes.
She wanted help with the housework so I got my girlfriend to come round and she went mental.
"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken."
"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs."
25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....
Because that means 75% are running around untreated.
So I got my concealed carry permit yesterday
So I got my concealed carry gun permit yesterday and then went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small caliber p**... for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun, the cashier said, s**... down, facing me. Making a mental note to complain about these new invasive gun control laws, I did as she instructed. After her hysterical shrieking subsided, I realized she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the reader. I still don't think I looked that bad.
Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.
Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd
A captain was flying over a mental hospital...
...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.
"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.
The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"
A man is in a mental hospital because he believes himself to be a seed.
He is treated for years by one of the world's best psychiatrists. After 6 years, he finally becomes convinced that he is not, in fact, a seed. There is a party to celebrate his release from the hospital.
A chicken shows up to the party. The man freezes and slowly starts to inch behind a nearby tree. His psychiatrist notices and sighs: "I thought you were over this. You are not a seed, remember?"
The man replies: "look, you know that I am not a seed. I know that I am not a seed. But does the chicken know?"
A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only r**... do that
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."
My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...
I said No, we all seem to enjoy it .
I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...
6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
I recently read that it's beneficial to your mental well being to share your bed with your pets...
... but in hindsight, I probably should have left them in the aquarium.
My psychiatrist asked me if anyone else suffered from mental illness in my family.
I answered " No they all seem to enjoy it"
The doctor asked Fred if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.
Fred replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it."
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental institution, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub.
The apparent cause of death was starvation. Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.
The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the relatives,
"Was he a programmer?"
"Yes, why?"
She wordlessly shows them a large shampoo bottle with an instruction: "1. Apply the shampoo. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat the procedure."
What Christmas song do they play at the mental hospital?
Do you see what I see?
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
Are you struggling with a mental illness?
Or are you really good at it?
I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.
I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".
I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.
Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".
How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"
My therapist says I should think of my mental health like s**...
Because I always come first
I've lived with a mental illness for 5 years.
I'm now single.
My pronouns are Rare/Medium Rare.
And if you don't use these, my feelings and mental health is at steak...
A man claiming he is Jesus is brought into a mental hospital...
He is asked, "Why do you think you are Jesus?"
He replies, "God told me so!"
Immediately, the patient behind him stands up and shouts, "No I didn't!"
For Xmas I got you mental arithmetic.
It's the thought that counts.
Why is crushing pop cans taxing on one's mental health?
Because it's soda pressing.
