Mental Asylum Jokes
43 mental asylum jokes and hilarious mental asylum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mental asylum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mental Asylum Short Jokes
Short mental asylum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mental asylum humour may include short mental hospital jokes also.
- "Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken." "Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs." - In a mental asylum Patient 1: "Doctor, I am a messenger of god!"
Patient next door: "Liar! I haven't send you anywhere!" - Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum. You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.
- In Germany it's common for mentally ill patients to be committed to least ten different facilities. They're in-zehn asylums.
- What do you call a midget in a Mental Asylum? I don't really know, but it sounds a little crazy
- What's the difference between a 1950s mental asylum and my fridge? One's filled with fruits and vegetables, the other's my fridge.
- I recently fell for a girl at Shady Oaks Asylum for the Mentally unsound. I'm now in a committed relationship.
God that was bad wasn't it... - A double amputee has escaped from the mental asylum I wouldn't worry too much, he's armless.
- An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started r**... people. The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.
- Two guys wearing white coats are talking at a mental asylum o**... says : "So, you're the patient who thinks he's a doctor ?"
The other guy responds : "Go back to your room !"
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Mental Asylum One Liners
Which mental asylum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mental asylum? I can suggest the ones about mental institution and insane asylum.
- Why was the daydreaming horse put in an asylum? He was mentally unstabled
- What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
- Why did the bean get released from the mental asylum? It wasn't a nut.
- Are you a mental asylum? Because I'm CRAZY to be inside of you.
Made it myself. I swear - What snacks are served at mental asylums? Nuts.
- Why are there no g**... in a mental asylum? Because they can't wear a strait-jacket.
Howlingly Hilarious Mental Asylum Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about mental asylum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean asylum jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mental asylum pranks.
So a man escaped from a mental asylum.....
So a man escaped from a mental asylum and the first thing he did was head for the local town. In the town he found a laundrette and so he went inside and r**... the workers there.
The next day's newspaper headline was " Nut bolts ,screws washers"
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
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### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...
While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?
The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.
No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?
A man is strolling past an insane asylum when..
When he hears a loud chanting.
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, something jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
A police officer walked into a mental asylum and spoked to one of the patients.
"I'd like to thank you for saving that man who almost drowned by that river last night. But unfortunately, he hanged himself this morning."
To which the patient replied
"Oh I know! I hang him up to dry him!"
Polish joke
A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."
Curiosity
I walk past a mental Asylum every day and yesterday as I neared I could hear them chanting "Seven..Seven..Seven." This continued as I walked along the wooden fence and I found myself looking for a gap to see what was going on. About 100m down the fence i spotted a hole where the knot had fallen out and hurried towards it. I jammed my eye up to the hole, rather excited to see the ruckus and a finger sprung out and jabbed me in th eye. "Eight..eight..eight."
The local mental asylum is running out of space
So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.
He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.
After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"
A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients
He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, open this door and you are free to leave through it. The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watching the other patients with an amused grin on his face. The psychiatrist approached the lone patient thinking she might be cured and asked her why she didn't try to open the fake door like other patients.
The patient opened her hand to show scribble of a key on her palm and said, "I dont want anyone to come with me„
A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"
A man is walking by a mental asylum...
...when he hears the patients inside shouting 'FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!'. The asylum yard has a 9 foot tall concrete wall, so he can't see inside, but he notices a small hole in the wall, about waist high. Curious, he approaches the hole and looks through it. A stick suddenly pops out of the hole and jabs him in the eye, and the inmates start shouting 'FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN!'
Should You Be Institutionalized?
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
Okay, here's your test:
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon."
"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
The Mental Asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
First day at a mental asylum.
There was a guy who just got a job at a mental asylum. On his first day, he wanted to familiarise himself with all the patients at the facility. While doing so, he met this dude who looked perfectly normal, muttering some things to a wall. As he came closer, he started to make out what he was saying and it sounded like "98, 98, 98". He walks up to the guy and says, "Hi, I'm John, and I just got hired here". The dude stopped talking; took a good look at him, and slapped the s**... out of him, and looked back the wall and started saying "99, 99, 99".
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
A Soviet official is visiting a mental asylum
To prepare for the visit, the asylum trained the patients to sing "Glory to the Communist Party".
When the official arrives, everyone is singing their hearts out. The official is very pleased, however, he notices a woman not singing.
The official approaches the woman and asks: "why aren't you singing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a nurse, not a patient"
I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.
I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".
I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.
Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".
How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"