Mental Asylum Jokes
42 mental asylum jokes and hilarious mental asylum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mental asylum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Mental Asylum Short Jokes
Short mental asylum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mental asylum humour may include short mental hospital jokes also.
- "Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken." "Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs." - In a mental asylum Patient 1: "Doctor, I am a messenger of god!"
Patient next door: "Liar! I haven't send you anywhere!" - Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum. You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.
- In Germany it's common for mentally ill patients to be committed to least ten different facilities. They're in-zehn asylums.
- What do you call a midget in a Mental Asylum? I don't really know, but it sounds a little crazy
- What's the difference between a 1950s mental asylum and my fridge? One's filled with fruits and vegetables, the other's my fridge.
- I recently fell for a girl at Shady Oaks Asylum for the Mentally unsound. I'm now in a committed relationship.
God that was bad wasn't it...
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Mental Asylum One Liners
Which mental asylum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mental asylum? I can suggest the ones about mental institution and insane asylum.
- Why was the daydreaming horse put in an asylum? He was mentally unstabled
- What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
- Why did the bean get released from the mental asylum? It wasn't a nut.
- Are you a mental asylum? Because I'm CRAZY to be inside of you.
Made it myself. I swear - What snacks are served at mental asylums? Nuts.
- Why are there no g**... in a mental asylum? Because they can't wear a strait-jacket.
Howlingly Hilarious Mental Asylum Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about mental asylum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean asylum jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mental asylum pranks.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"
There are two lunatics in a mental asylum...
So, there's two lunatics in a lunatic asylum and they're both due to have assessments to be released. They decide to make a pact that the first person who goes in to see the doctor will tell the other one the answers to the questions.
So the first one goes in to see the doctor and the doctor says: "if I took this fork and stuck it in your eye, what would happen?"
The patient says, "I'd be partially blind"
"Good," says the doctor, "what would happen if I stuck this fork into your other eye?"
"I'd be totally blind," says the man.
"Excellent, you're free to go!"
As they pass on the corridor, the patient says to his mate "the first one's partially blind and the second one is totally blind".
"Right," says the doctor, "If I took this knife and chopped off your ear, what would happen?"
"I'd be partially blind," says the lunatic.
"Hmm," says the doctor, but decides to continue: "what would happen if I take this knife and chopped off your other ear?"
"I'd be totally blind," says the lunatic.
Well, by this point, the doctor is very confused and decides to probe further into why this would be.
"Well," says the patient, "my cap would fall over my eyes".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
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### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
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We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...
While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?
The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.
No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?
Insane asylum
on his short walk from work to home Jared has to pass by a mental institution. Although it is completely blocked off by a brickwall he sometimes hears the patients enjoying their time outside.
One day while passing the asylum Jared heare a slow steady chant from the inmates.
"Four.. four.. four..four..four..four.."
Both suprise and curious Jared starts searching the brick wall for a crack so he can see why they are chanting when by luck he finds a decent sized hole in the wall.
He bends down, closes one eye, leans forward to peer inside, and a finger comes out and pokes him right in his eye!
He falls back in suprise and pain and the inmates start chanting "Five..five..five..five".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A double amputee has escaped from the mental asylum
I wouldn't worry too much, he's armless.
Two men escape an asylum
Two men are in a mental asylum. One day they decide to escape and find there way on the roof. On the roof, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops that stretch away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. His friend was afraid of falling. So then, the first guy got an idea. He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' But the second guy just shakes his head. He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'
Polish joke
A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys wearing white coats are talking at a mental asylum
o**... says : "So, you're the patient who thinks he's a doctor ?"
The other guy responds : "Go back to your room !"
The local mental asylum is running out of space
So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.
He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.
After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"
A psychiatrist in a mental asylum wanted to test the sanity of the patients
He gathered the patients in a room, then drew a door on a wall with a chalk. He pointed at the "door" and told the patient, open this door and you are free to leave through it. The patients then beging to fruitlessly trying to open the fake door, exept for one patient who just sit in place watching the other patients with an amused grin on his face. The psychiatrist approached the lone patient thinking she might be cured and asked her why she didn't try to open the fake door like other patients.
The patient opened her hand to show scribble of a key on her palm and said, "I dont want anyone to come with me„
A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"
Should You Be Institutionalized?
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
Okay, here's your test:
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket, as it is larger than the spoon."
"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
The Mental Asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
Two guys are locked up in a mental asylum together.
One night, they decided they didn't like that anymore, and decided to escape. They make it to the roof, but there's a gap. The first guy jumps across the gap. The other isn't going to do that, because he's afraid of falling So the first guy gets an idea. He says: hey, I've got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap and you can walk over here . What do you think I am, crazy? , says the other guy, you'd just turn it off when I'm halfway across
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First day at a mental asylum.
There was a guy who just got a job at a mental asylum. On his first day, he wanted to familiarise himself with all the patients at the facility. While doing so, he met this dude who looked perfectly normal, muttering some things to a wall. As he came closer, he started to make out what he was saying and it sounded like "98, 98, 98". He walks up to the guy and says, "Hi, I'm John, and I just got hired here". The dude stopped talking; took a good look at him, and slapped the s**... out of him, and looked back the wall and started saying "99, 99, 99".
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and then ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would just use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug....do you want a bed near the window?"
The numbers game
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. 'Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!' goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
'Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!'
A Soviet official is visiting a mental asylum
To prepare for the visit, the asylum trained the patients to sing "Glory to the Communist Party".
When the official arrives, everyone is singing their hearts out. The official is very pleased, however, he notices a woman not singing.
The official approaches the woman and asks: "why aren't you singing?"
The woman replies: "I'm a nurse, not a patient"
I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.
I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".
I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.
Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".
How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum
A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"
"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
"I see," says the politician, "and if he's got any sense he'll choose the bucket."
"No," says the director, "If he's got any sense he'll pull the plug out. Would you like a room with a view?"