Mens Name Jokes
86 mens name jokes and hilarious mens name puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mens name that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mens Name Short Jokes
Short mens name jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mens name humour may include short mean men jokes also.
- I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women. Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?
- "Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events... ... to something like "Reigning Men."
- Why are so many Italian men named Tony? When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...
- What are the names of the first two men to get married under the new Irish gay marriage law? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
- I've got an old project car that I named after my wife. I haven't turned her on in years, now it usually takes a garage full of men to get her motor running.
- If men have man caves, why dont women have woman caves? They do, we just universally named it the kitchen many years ago.
- Two men are working on a car. One man says "Let's call it a day."
The other man says "Well, that's a weird name for a car. - Being a quartet, why was the group named "Boyz II Men?" Because "Boyz 4 Men" would have drawn a whole different sort of crowd...
- Why are all italian men named Tony Because when God made them he stamped TO NY on their foreheads
- The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google the names they call you when it ends badly.
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Mens Name One Liners
Which mens name one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mens name? I can suggest the ones about men shirts and women men.
- I like my men like I like my whisky Inside me until I can't remember my name
- What do you call a woman who sleeps with a lot of men? Her Name.
- I named my daughter charity. She gets a lot of donations from many men.
- I think the men who shorten their name to 'Pat'..... .....are missing a trick.
- Never have s**... with men named Nigel They're only interested in one thing...smashing
Mens Name Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about mens name you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean man language jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mens name pranks.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "
Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.
There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.
Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious.
He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St.
Peter.
He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and *p**...!* she’s gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *p**...!* she’s gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual s**... Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard.
Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about s**... studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality.
"Really," he gulped,"like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern r**...."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Um, Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush', ‘d**...', and ‘Colon'. Need I say more?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's Helpline
Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
A woman scanned the guests at a party...
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?', she asked.
The man replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf''
Two elderly couples are chatting over tea.
Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening.
The second man then asks him where they ate.
"Hmm," ponders the first man. "You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"
"You must be thinking of a rose," the second man replies.
"Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT!?"
Ramadhan starts tomorrow, here's a joke
There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.''
Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I'm muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So Adam and Jack went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
Adam thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammed'.
And Jack said 'My name is Jack'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Jack.' And told these other men to take Jack and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to Adam and said, 'Salaam Muhammed. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadhan)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Falling Bricks
A man is starting his new job at a skyscraper construction site and he is a little nervous. He introduces himself to the other workers.
"H-H-Hello... M-My name is Peter." The Men grunt and continue working. When it's time for lunch, all the men sit on the edge of the building. the man walks over and sits next to them.
"W-What do you do around here for fun?" he asks. A rather large man turns around and says:
"Falling Brick."
"W-Well what's that?"
"Take a Brick and throw it off the edge. while it's falling yell falling brick. It's hilarious watching all the people below scatter."
The man reluctantly takes a brick from the pile. He tosses off the edge of the building.
"F-F-F-F..."
"F-F-F-F..."
"Fffffff..."
"F-F-f**... got him."
You just can't please them
So three women were walking through town, when suddenly they spotted a building named, "Free Single Men". Desperate for love, the three women go inside. In the lobby, there stood a man who said (while pointing at an elevator across the room), "This building has 5 more floors. Each one with a different kind of man. Enjoy". The women proceed to enter the elevator. When they got to the first floor, a sign read, "This floor contains short, fat men". The women then went to the second floor. There a sign read, "This floor contains short, skinny men". The women then went to the 3rd floor, where the sign read, "This floor has tall, fat men". Then they went to the 4th floor, where the sign read, "This floor contains tall, skinny men". But when they got to the 5th floor, it was empty. The only thing there was a sign that read, "There are no men on this floor. This floor was created to prove the fact that there is no way to please a woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
Two men are talking on a subway train...
So two strangers sit next to each other and begin to read quietly. After a while, they notice that they are both reading the same book. They get to talking, and eventually they get around to exchanging names. The first man says,
"Im Bill. What's your name?"
"My name is Jesus Christ," says the second man.
"Oh come on, your name isnt Jesus Christ," says Bill
"Sure it is" he responds. "Follow me to the bar. Ill prove it to you."
So they go to the man's bar, and as soon as the bartender catches sight of him, the bartender says, "*Jesus Christ,* are you here again?!?"
The Lonely Widow
Jack and Joe go on a road trip, but after driving for an hour, the car breaks down. They get it working, but they're seriously delayed and will never make it to the hotel they were going to stay at in time.
Upon seeing a farmhouse just off the road, they drive in, and ask if they can park in the barn and stay in their car for the night, to keep warm. The woman who owns the farm is unsure and says "I am a widow, people will talk if you stay here overnight" but the men assure her they'll be gone before sunrise, and no one will ever know, so she lets them stay.
About 9 months later Jack rings Joe and asks,
"Did you sneak off that night we stopped in a barn on our road trip, to go and see the widow?"
Joe responds, "Well, actually I did, yes, why do you ask?"
"Did you give her my name and address Joe, instead of yours?"
"Well, um, yes, I'm afraid I did, why, is there a problem?"
"Oh no it's fine." replies Jack, "She died and left everything to me."
A lawyer named Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it,
they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Preacher goes to a party
A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of n**... men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their g**... in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"
There were 3 Chinese men...
Han, Chan and Fan were planning on migrating to the USA.
They all wanted to assimilate as quickly as possible, so they decided to adopt more traditional American sounding names.
Han decided that he would be Huck.
Chan decided that he would be Chuck.
And Fan...well Fan decided that he`d stay in China.
Caught in the blizzard [An old one but a good one]
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will *talk* if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack received a letter. Finding it hard to believe what he read, Jack decided to confront his friend. He went to find Bob and asked him, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did sneak into her house in the middle of the night and sleep with her?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And, when she asked you your name, did you tell her my name instead of yours?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well ... she just died and left me her 5 million dollar estate."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
7 mildly offensive jokes
**What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? **
A speech impediment.
**What's the Cuban National Anthem? **
Row row row your boat.
**What's the fastest way to a man's heart? **
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
**Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a r**... baby? **
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
**Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? **
Because those men already have boyfriends.
**What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? **
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
**What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? **
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
3 old men...
3 old men are talking in the park. "I had awfull problems with my liver, but I also know a realy good doctor who cured me." says the first one. "I had terible problems with my heart, but a realy good doctor cured me" says the second one. "I had some problems with my memory, but I'm now just like an elephant thanks to my doctor!"says the first one. "Realy?"said the other 2"What's his name?" "Well, ummm..... what's that white plant that starts with an 'M' called?" "What? Do you mean Margaret?" Yes!"says the first one again and quickly pulls out his phone and calls his wife"Hello, Margaret dear? What was the name of the doctor that cured me?"
Celibacy (searched but didn't find...)
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man boards a plane home after a business trip...
... and he sits next to a gorgeous blonde woman. He notices that she's reading a book called "100 Facts About s**... You Never Knew" and asks her if it's any good. She says, "Yea it's really interesting. Did you know that statistically, Native American men have the thickest p**... of any race?"
"Oh wow that's fascinating I never knew that" he says. She continues with, "Yea and did you know that statistically Polish men have the **longest** p**... of any race?"
"No I didn't know that. What's your name?" He asks.
"I'm Sandy. What's yours?" She responds.
"My name's Tanto Kowalski"
Three men - one blind, one deaf, one dumb - participate in a game show...
The blind man is shown a map with a marker and asked to name the exact place it is pointing to. Being blind though, he is well versed in Braille, so he begins feeling the map with his hands and after a few seconds says "Grenoble, France".
"Correct! 50 points for Mr. Blind", says the host.
The deaf man is played a particular song and asked to identify its singer. Being deaf though, he is a keen observer and lip-reader. He notices one of the people in the audience singing along with the song, reads their lip, and says, "Stand Tall, by Burton Cummings."
"Correct! 50 points for Mr. Deaf", says the host.
Finally, the dumb man is asked to spell "Mississippi". After thinking for a few seconds, he says, "M-R-S. S-I-P-P-Y".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mike and David are stranded in the desert...
Mike and David are stranded in the desert. They've been walking for ages without food or even a sip of water. All of a sudden in the baron wasteland they find a mosque. David and mike agree that it is their best bet to go to the mosque because there'll be food and shelter. On the way to the mosque mike says "David, let's pretend to be Muslims they'll treat us a lot better. If they ask what my name is I'm gonna say Mohammed". David disagrees and thinks this is a s**... idea. Eventually they get to the mosque and the gates open. They enter inside and immediately the men inside ask their names.
"My names David".
"Come inside David we have food and water for you. What's your name sir"?
"My name is Mohammed".
"Ah come in Mohammed let's pray, fast opens in 6 hours"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So these two couples had known each other for decades, and would meet once a month for dinner.
It was always the same routine, they would meet at one couples house, and after dinner the women would go to the kitchen to clean up and catch up (not saying it's not sexist, but they were raised in different times) and the men would go to the living room for some catching up of their own.
The o**... says "So anything fun happen for you lately?" to which the other guy replies "Yeah...I saw a movie last week that was pretty good".
The first guy then says "Really? What was the name of it so maybe we could see it?" and the second guy replies "Oh geez, my memory is so bad......what's the name of those red flowers with the long stem and thorns?" to which the first guy replies "You mean a rose?"
"Yeah, yeah that's it." and over his shoulder he yells "Hey Rose, what's the name of that movie we saw last week?"
Three men and a phone
there are three men in a bar who are all just a bit drunk but in their senses. Their names are Billy, Nicholas, and Josh. A phone rings and Nicholas picks up. it was his girlfriend. she asks Nicholas if she can buy a brand new TV set with his money and he says why not, go ahead. she then asked if she could get a new pool built outside her house with his credit card. Nicholas says it's fine with him. She finally asks if she could buy the latest car with the credit card and he says why not? go ahead. the girlfriend says "thanks, and you left your credit card at my house so i dont need to come and get it." he then hangs up. When he puts the phone down Billy and Josh immediately ask him how drunk is he because he just let his girlfriend spend all his money. Nicholas says lets answer that question after we answer mine first. he asks "Who's phone is this?"
There once was a florist
There once was a florist with a fairly successful flower stand on the side of the road.
One day, three friars set up a competing flower stand across the street. Since everyone wanted to buy their flowers from the men of god, the florist began losing all his business to the friars. He tried everything from flashy advertising to lowering his prices to offering exotic flower types, but nothing worked and soon his business had run completely dry.
So one night, the florist hires a hitman named Hugh. Hugh goes across the street, smashes the friars' flowers and pots and breaks up their stand - proving once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Bills at a bar
Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia where sitting at the bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and shows that he has two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Chernobyl."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men's Help Line
MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
Classic joke for our Muslim friends today
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.
Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
There was an old farmer with three beautiful daughters...
They each had a date, so on the porch he would wait to ask the men some questions.
With his shotgun nearby up came the first guy and introduced himself to the farmer.
"Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo to see a show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer gave a sigh and waved goodbye as the second date had arrived.
"My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty to go eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
With another sigh he waved goodbye as the third date had arrived.
"Hi, My name is Chuck-"
And the farmer shot him.
Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner...
...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!" Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better."
"Did it work?" the other guy asks.
"Sure did! I'm remembering stuff more efficiently now. It was a big improvement."
"What was the name of the school?"
Stan looks off into the distance, furrows his brows and asks, "What is the name of the flower... usually comes in a dozen...has thorns...?"
"Rose?" the other man asks.
Stan looks to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that school I went to?"
3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court
The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime."
So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool."
So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go."
So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up
"My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool."
So the judge replies, "well Bobby, as I said to Billy. That is a bit strange at your age, but again, perfectly legal. You are free to go."
So Bobby leaves the courtroom, and the third man steps up.
"Your honour, my name is Bubbles--"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was once a group of Friars
Who began selling flowers instead of cheese. They found great success in this new calling, so much they were putting a local florist shop out of business.
The local florists were angry and decided to hire thugs to intimidate the friars into ceasing their flower sales. t**... after t**..., no one was able to stop these men of God - until a man named Hugh made the friars scurry away from the town entirely!
This important story teaches us a valuable lesson: only Hugh can stop Florist Friars
A lawyer named Strange died.
His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do men give their p**... names?
Because they don't want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.
Two men were lost in the desert...
When they come across a road, and a headstone.
"Look here!" the first man, Frank, said," Some guy's been buried here. Poor sod, he was only 15."
"Who was he?" Inquired the second man, Fred.
"Some kid named Miles from Bakersfield," answered Fred.
IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?
Outstanding , Fred replied. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me .
That's great! What about the name of the clinic?
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?
You mean a rose?
Yes, that's it!
Then he turned to his wife and asked: Rose, what was the name of that clinic?
One Dark Halloween Night........
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... Statistics on a Plane.
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about s**... statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about s**... statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average p**... and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 men were lost in the desert
Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their t**... were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.
Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.
Man 2: You go ahead and do that. I'm not gonna lie.
They reached the mosque and met the imam. The imam greeted them and asked what were their names.
Man 1: My name is Abdullah.
Man 2: My name is Thomas.
The Imam turned to his assistant as told him, "Give Brother Thomas some food and water. Brother Abdullah will break his fast with us at 7.28pm."
How Canada got it's name, eh
Three men were hiking in the wilds north of America, in the country that is now known as Canada.
They gradually realize that they are exploring undiscovered territory.
Man 1 looks at his buddies, clearly excited.
I think we discovered a new land, eh! He says enthusiastically.
We're venturing where no men have ever gone before, eh, Man
2 agrees, also excited.
Let's name it, Man 3 decides.
We'll each pick a letter, so it'll be fair, eh!
The three of them agree to this method, and Man 1 begins.
C, eh, Man 1 starts.
N, eh, Man 2 continues.
D, eh, Man 3 finishes.
I'm building an app to help people fall asleep at night. It'll be recordings of straight white men talking about gender identity, cultural appropriation and modern racism...
Name of the app is White Noise.
Three men, a Republican, a Brit and a Jamaican
all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however, unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Brit wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Jamaican looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Brit, "but one of them in there's a Republican, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
Dating these days
Boy: Hi
Girl: What?
Boy: How are you?
Girl: Do I know you?
Boy: I'm Rich..
Girl: Oh! Hi. My name is Mary but you can call me "Baby" I'm 19 & I am very submissive. I love short men, especially like you & I'm glad to meet you. So, when are we going out?
Boy: No, no, no "Rich" is my name
Girl: Sorry I don't talk to strangers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Bills at a bar
Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."
An elderly couple were invited to their friend John's house for the evening
John's wife served dinner, and after eating, the men's wives went through to the kitchen to clean up.
As the men were chatting, one says to the other: "I brought my wife to a great restaurant last night, I really recommend it"
"What was it called?" replied the other
The first man thought for a while, "What's the word for that flower, you know the one with thorns on, usually red I think...?"
"A rose you mean?"
"Ah yes, that's it." He turned round and called into the kitchen, where his wife was washing dishes, "Rose, what was the name of the restaurant we went to yesterday?"
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
The Name of God
Two Jews were arguing about the proper way to say God's name when the rabbi walked by.
Rabbi, called one of the men, could you settle an argument for us? We want to know if the proper way to say God's name is 'Yah way' or 'Yah vey.'
That's easy! the rabbi said. It's 'Yah vey!'
Thank you so much, rabbi. said the other man.
Ya velcome. Replied the rabbi.
Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.
One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.
Three men go to heaven
St. Peter looks in the book and says to the first man, You spent your whole life trying to get drunk. You even married a woman named Ginny, and he points him to the down escalator.
To the next man he says, You spent your whole life trying to get rich. You even married a woman named Penny, and he points him to the down escalator.
The third guy turns and heads for the down escalator. St. Peter says, Where are you going? The man says, My wife's name is Fannie.
Why do women get to name their studies women's studies
but men's studies is just named STEM?
Two old men were waiting for their steam train which was running late.
"I know this train driver, his name is Bob. First time he's ever been late," one says.
"All train drivers are late some days," replies the other.
"No, not Bob, ever. He may never speak to anyone, or even look them in the eye, but he gets on that train and burns his secret ingredient and arrives on time every day without fail. 20 years, and never a minute late, quite incredible."
"Secret ingredient?"
"Oh yes, he adds mussels and oysters to the fuel. Reckons it gives a boost."
"So why is he late today? Think he got fed up and quit?"
"Oh no, not Bob. He just has low shellfish steam."
I make no apologies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three formerly wealthy friends, who all had the same name, found a Genie's lamp...
So they decided that when they released the genie each of them would get one wish. So they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and said, "hello, I will grant you three wishes." The men explained that they were going to spilt the wishes, and the genie agreed. The first man wished to be the only man on an island full of beautiful women, and p**... he was gone. The next man wished to be the most powerful world leader, and p**... he was gone. The last man, just wanted something simple and asked for his Riches to be returned. And p**... both of his friends came back.
3 men walk in the desert
They are thirsty and would do anything for a drink. Suddenly they see a giant slide and a sign next to it. It reads, Slide down the slides and shout the name of the drink you want and when you reach the bottom of the slide, there will be a pool of it
The first man slides down the slide and shouts, WATER! and lands in a pool of that
The next man slides and shouts, COKE and lands in a pool of that
The last man slides, and enjoys himself so much that he shouts, WEEEEE
3 Mountain Men Are Sitting in a Bar Trying to decide What to Name Their Newly Settled Land
They throw all the letters of the alphabet into a hat and draw them out one at at a time.
The first draws, "'C', eh."
The second, "'N', eh."
The third, "'D', eh."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Retirement Home
An old lady was found dead on her bed . The nurses found a list of names in her hands. The sweet old lady wrote down all the names of the men she slept with at the retirement home. She slept with everyone except o**.... The nurses then asked the old man why he did not sleep with the old lady and he said" we have a strict working relationship and i only collect the money"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not for you
A Christian Armenian man walking by the border of Armenia and Iran sees a few Iranian men pushing a car stuck in a ditch. Every time the Iranian men push they yell allah akbar! 1.. 2... 3... Allah akbarrr! As the Armenian man joins in pushing the car, the Iranians are surprised to hear the Christian man also yell allah akbar. One Iranian man says allah is our god not yours, why do you call on his name? The Armenian man replies "I'm not going to work my god for your a**..."
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
A couple of italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An englishman, frenchmen, and spaniard were racing their cats on a paper boat in the water
They each name their cat the same in each language. The Englishman names his cat "One Two Three". The Frenchman names his "Un deux t**...". The Spaniard names his "Uno dos tres". The race begins, and Uno dos tres wins, with one two three at second place. The Frenchman's cat is nowhere to be found. After searching, the Frenchman comes to a conclusion. He goes to the other men, and says, "The Un deux t**... cat sank"
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, dude," one says after catching his breath. "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbles. "They misspelled my name!"
Two men are talking whilst having beers, 'Call me old fashioned but I didn't sleep with my wife until we were married' he says 'What about you?'
'I'm not sure to be honest' says the friend ' What was her maiden name?'
Seminar
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? The rest of the story is not pleasant.
Three men stand before a judge.
What crime did you commit? He asks the first one.
I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, he replies.
That doesn't sound so bad. the judge says in confusion before addressing the second man, What crime did you commit?
I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, the second man replies.
Again that doesn't sound so bad, the judge says, his confusion building. He turns to the third man, What crime did you commit?
The third man steps forward and says, Well, my name is Peanuts….