Men Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Men think about sex every 7 seconds...

Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds... So it doesn't get weird.

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.ο»Ώ

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

One in every 2 and a half men is HIV positive.

Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

Men can be Feminists, too.

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

100m Dash

A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash"

Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"

"No, with 8 black men and a gun."

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

I saw two blind men fighting

And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?

I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

A black guy and a white girl are at a party

A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs

When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies.....

Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman

Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me

Daughter: What does gays mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er... read me the whole sentence

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Me: Oh

What do you call two gay Irish men?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.

Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a street performer.

The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"SΓ­"
"Ja"

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers

When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

What do men and women have in common?

Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

"This trampoline is for men only."

-mysogymnast

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's at least 20% off.

Gays in the military

"If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"

β€” Adam Hills

The librarian NSFW

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"Β 

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."


"Yeah that's the one"

Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while

Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

Have you ever wondered why, during a crisis, they let women and children go first?

It's so the men can have some peace and quiet while they think about what to do.

If x=y and y=z, then x=z.

Applying the same logic.

If all men are pigs.
And Men and women are equal.

Then all women are pigs.

I was walking down the street with my wife..

And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
From Les Dawson.

Four men are watching a juggler...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"SΓ­."
"Ja."

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed.

Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."

Dad, you're using Uber.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...

...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

Gender Equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent from CNN noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

You know Apple is run by men...

when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.

Which rock group has 4 men that can't sing?

Mount Rushmore

Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

What are the funniest men jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Men? Well, here are the best Men puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Men pick up lines to share with friends.

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