men Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious men puns

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

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Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ... The men I please are none of your damn business!

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Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing...

...he is gay. Definitely gay.

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My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters..

Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

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You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

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There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

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What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.ο»Ώ

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A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

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My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

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Minorities play the race card. Women play the gender card. Homosexuals play the gay card. What's left for straight white men?

The Trump card.

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Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

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They say one in ten men are homosexual

In my group of friends I'm pretty sure it's Marc. He's really cute

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Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

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I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

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One in every 2 and a half men is HIV positive.

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Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

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The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

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Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

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Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

*Thanks for the gold kind stranger.

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How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

Men can be Feminists, too.

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Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

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My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.

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If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it..........

He's gay, definitely gay.

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Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

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5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

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My gf said men only think with their penis.

I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.

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100m Dash

A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash"

Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?"

"No, with 8 black men and a gun."

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What are the most funny Men jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Men? Well, here are the best Men dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Men pick up lines to share with friends.

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