memory Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious memory puns

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

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"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

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A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical "how!" The Native replies "scrambled."

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The oldest computer...

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

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My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

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I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

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Yo mama's so fat

when she sat on a memory foam it forgot

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Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

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From grandma: Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In memory of all the faces that were buried there.

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A man walks into a bar

He orders three beers before he walks to a booth where he sits by himself. He continues to do this for a while before the bartender finally asks:

"Why are you always ordering three beers? Wouldn't it be better if you ordered one at a time?"

The man replied:
"I used to come in here with my two brothers and drink with them. But now they are at seperate places around the world, so I come in here and drink to the memory of them."

This all seemed fine and he kept doing this for a while longer. But one time when he came in he asked only for two beers before he went to the booth. It immediatly became quite in the bar and noone dared say a word. Finally the bartender went up to him and asked:

"Is everythink okay? How are you're brothers?"

The man replied:

"Oh! No they are both fine! I just stopped drinking."

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Memory trick

Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street, Jack says " hi there George, how are you?" George says " Great! we've just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it's really good" Jack asks " really? what's the name of the clinic?" George thinks for a moment and then says " let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?"
Jack says "A rose"?
"Ah yes that's it" George turns to his wife...."Rose, what's the name of that clinic"?

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My fairy god mother asked if I wanted a big penis or a perfect memory

I forget my response

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Memory Problems.

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.

One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

Really? ,

one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?

Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.

Yes that's it, he exclaimed.

Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?

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Your mom is so fat

Her memory foam mattress drinks to forget.

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I'm going to open my own bar and call it "Chrome"

It will keep your tab open until you have no memory

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A man is driving through the desert when he notices a sign.

The sign reads "Turn here to speak to the native American with the most incredible memory"

Curious, the man takes the turning. He comes across the native American man standing at the side of the road.

He approaches him and gives his best "How!"

The native American replies "How!"

"Is your memory really as good as the sign suggests?" asks the man.

"Try me" replies the native American.

"Okay, what did you have for breakfast on July 18th 1986?"

The native American thinks for a moment and then replies, "Eggs."

Amazed, the man thanks the native American and gets back in his car and continues his journey.

15 years later, he is travelling through the same desert and notices the same sign. Having forgotten all about the native American until seeing the sign, he decides to go ask another question.

Upon reaching the native American, he again gives his best "How!"

"Scrambled"

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An elderly couple see a doctor about how to deal with their short term memory loss.

The doctor says to help them remember certain things they should write it down on a piece of paper. One night the couple is watching TV, when the husband starts walking to the kitchen. His wife asks "Can you bring me some strawberries?"

"Sure."

"Aren't you going to write it down so you don't forget?"

"No no. It's fine."

"Well I also want some whip cream. You should write it down so you'll remember."

"Don't worry. I've got it."

"I also want some chocolate syrup on top. You *really* should write it down, dear."

"I got it. Strawberries, whip cream, and chocolate syrup."

The wife sighs as her husband disappears into the kitchen.


After 15 minutes the husband finally comes back carrying a plate of eggs, bacon, and sausage. The wife looks up at him and asks "Where's my toast?"

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A father-son hike

A Father and his son are hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native american sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native american and says, son, native americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native american and says, What did you have for breakfast last tuesday.

Without hesitation the Native American responds, eggs. The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native american on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native american. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says HOW

Native American responds, Scrambled.

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Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

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Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

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2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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I can't remember where I read this, but I heard too much masturbating causes memory loss.

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Memory Lane...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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"your happiest memory..."

TV crew is shooting a reality series in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview this older man, John, who had lived there all his life. They ask him all sorts of questions, when finally the reporter says: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."

- John: well, this one time Ed's donkey got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all had sex with the donkey.

- reporter, turning red: what? cut! cut! cut! John, we cannot air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?


- John: well, this one time Waldo's wife got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for her. When we found her, we were so happy that we all had sex with her.


- reporter, stupefied: cut! cut! cut! For Christ's sake John... you will get me fired. Never mind your happy memories... Why do you not tell us your saddest memory instead?

- John: well, this one time, I got lost in the woods...

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Three old men

Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.
The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied.

Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?

"Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space.

Successful

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3 gay guys at a funeral.....

3 gay guys are at a funeral for their gay friend. He was cremated and his ashes were split three ways between them. They start talking and talking about what they will do with his ashes.

The first gay guy says "My best memory of him was the time we spent on the beach together. I plan to spread his ashes in the ocean by the beach we spent that special time together."

The second guy nods and says "Thats nice. My best memory with him is our time spent in the mountains. I'm going to those same mountains and letting his ashes fly."

The third guy nods and says "Well, I plan to make a big pot of spicy, hot chili and mix his ashes in it and eat it all."

Confused and startled, the first two gay guys say "Why in the world would you do that with his ashes??"

Third guy: "I just want him to tear my asshole up one more time."

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10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM

I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.

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I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

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Abortion is just like a nostalgic memory.

It really brings out the kid in you.

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The first computer can be traced back as far as Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with extremely limited memory: just one bite.

Then everything crashed.

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How much memory does it take to store a joke?

1 Gigglebyte.

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A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

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I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k.

It was a trip down memory lane.

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Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.


In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke

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The Blind Man

A woman is in a bath and a man knocks in her door, the woman screams out 'Who is it?' and the man goes 'The Blind Man Ma'am!'

The woman figures he's blind and welcomes him inside.

The man walks into a bathroom and says 'Nice tits! Now what window needed blinds?'


My mother told me this joke, been a fun memory and thought I should share ;P

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In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"

Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

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My fairy godmother asked me "Do you want a long penis or a long memory?"

I don't remember my answer

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My father suffers from short term memory loss

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

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Just walked down a street where the house numbers were 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB.

Well, that was a trip down memory lane.

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I have a photographic memory

it just hasn't developed yet

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Just got a repressed memory foam mattress,

it holds me just like my gym teacher did

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Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

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My friend drowned last week

My friend drowned last week, so I had a wreath made in the shape of a life jacket in his memory. I'm sure it's what he would have wanted.

-Milton Jones

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We've divided the population as you've requested, Mr. President, announced the assistant from the doorway, so we're just waiting on your final approval for the memory wipe.

Wipe the memory of groups 1-8, replied the president, leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too.

Sir? You want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?

The president stood from his chair and looked out at the world from his window.

Only 90s kids will remember this.

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I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...

I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...

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Bad memory

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.

The bartender asks, Β“"WhatΒ’s wrong?Β”" The old man looks at the bartender through

Teary eyes and between sobs says," I married a beautiful woman two days ago. SheΒ’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,

Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.Β” "

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?Β”"

The old man looks at the bartender and says, Β“"I canΒ’t remember where I live!Β”"


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ME: The Wizard told me to choose between a good memory and a big dick

GIRL : Wow.. Which did you pick?
ME: I can't remember.

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When I was younger, I was given a choice: a good memory or a long dong.

I can't remember which I chose.

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Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

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I don't like my computer memory.

Not one bit.

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Perfect memory

A man is driving cross country and pulls into a rest stop. As he's about to leave a traveling side show gets out of their truck. The bearded lady, the midget, the guy tattooed to look like a tiger all file out and head into the rest stop and an old Indian stays behind.

The man walks up to the Indian and says "what's your bit, you look totally normal."

"I have perfect memory. Ask me anything."

"Alright. What did you have for breakfast June 17, 1983?"

"Eggs"

Satisfied with the answer the man walks back to his car and drives off.

A few years later he's at a circus and he sees the same side-show. He seeks out the old Indian and greets him by saying "How"

"Scrambled"

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My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes

I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.

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A man and his friend are having a conversation

Man: When I was born, I was given the choice to either have a really good memory or a big dick

Friend: Which one did you pick?

Man: I don't remember

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My first memory occurred 9 months before I was born...

...I remember going to this party with my dad but then i went home with my mom.

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Blonde wakes up after a one night stand.

She sees some random guy sleeping next to her. Her memory is fuzzy, but she remembers some very passionate sex that took place last night.

She frantically wakes the guy up and asks him if they used any protection. The guy says no, not as far as he can remember.

"Damn" says the blonde, "do you have aids?"

"What? No!" The guy answers.

Blonde, visibly relieved, lays back next to him and says:

"Oh thank God for that. I wouldn't want to catch it again."

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When a boy turns 12 he is given the choice between a big dick or a good memory...

I can't remember what I picked

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Two older couples were having breakfast

Old man 1: "We went to the best restaurant last night.

Old man 2: "What's its name?"

Old man 1: "Oh I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?"

Old man 2: "Carnation?"

Old man 1: "No, the one with thorns."

Old man 2: "Rose?"

Old man 1: "Thats it. (turns to his wife) "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

(Credit to PlotTwists)

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Hitler died.

When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and torture. In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.

"Where am I and who am I?"

The figure replied,"Hell Hitler".

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An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."

The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."

The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"

The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"

The bartender answers, "A rose?"

"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

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An old actor has trouble getting work due to failing memory...

After contacting many people that he worked with in the past , he is finally able to land a job in a popular new Broadway play. The director tells him its only one line at the beginning of the play, but it is a very important line. It sets the mood for the rest of the play. It is ESSENTIAL he nails the line. The old actor emphasizes that he will nail it. The director reluctantly agrees and proceeds to tell him his role. You will take a beautiful rose, bring it to your nose and take a deep breath and say the following line: *Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress…* That's it. Do not screw this up! The old actor thanks him 10 times over and proceeds to practice for the next 2 weeks nonstop.

Opening night comes. It's a sold out theater. He takes to the stage, spotlight on him. He raises his hand, takes a deep breath and says the line perfectly * Ah, the sweet scent of my mistress… * Just after the line is delivered the auditorium burst into laughter. He walks off the stage distraught. I don't get it. I nailed the line perfectly. What happened? The director looks at him and yells YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT THE FLOWER!

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Alcoholism causes memory loss, liver diesase,

And memory loss.

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I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.

I really need to stop drinking on duty.

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I drove a bus at a street where the houses were numbered 64K,128K,256K,512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane

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Your momma's so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

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The Indian with a great memory

When I was a kid, everyone all over the country would come to visit the Indian reservation to meet one person. He was the only man in the world to have a perfect memory, but people were only allowed to ask one question. My family decided to go visit him for ourselves, and when we got there I had the perfect question.
"Excuse me sir, what did you have for breakfast when you were 15 years old?"
He replied, "Eggs." and that was that. I was disappointed by his answer, but there was nothing I could do.
Ten years later I recognized the man sitting by himself in a park. I walked up to him, held my hand up with the palm up, and said "How". He said "Scrambled."

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When I was born I was given two choices:

The first was to have a perfect memory, and the other was to have a huge penis. Unfortunately, I can't remember which one I chose.

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I've got a horrible memory.

I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.

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If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.

You have to recall everything.

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Uncles funeral tomorrow- his fave joke

Tomorrow morning is my Uncle/Godfather's funeral. In honor of him I present to you his favorite joke, one I heard multiple times a week until he lost the ability to speak about ten years ago. *this is to the best of my memory*

This guy dies and goes to heaven, when he gets to the Pearly Gates, St peter checks the list and tells him he can enter. The guy asks St Peter if he has everyone that will be going to heaven on that list. St Peter answers 'yes'. He then asks St Peter if his brothers and sisters are on the list, to which St Peter replies 'yes' as well. So the guy asks St Peter if he enjoys spending his time outside the gates of Heaven. St Peter tells him 'No, but somebody has to inform people if they are getting into Heaven or not.' So they guy tells St Peter, 'instead of standing at the Pearly Gates waiting to let people know if they're going to Heaven why don't you just send everybody a letter?' St Peter likes that idea and sends the letter to the guys brothers and sisters and everybody on the list. When they got that letter they opened it up, and do you know what that letter said?.......No? I didn't get one either.

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Drinking can cause memory loss...or even worse

Memory loss

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Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?

It has two bytes and no memory

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Lost in the Woods

A reporter is doing a story on the life of a farmer. The first man she meets seems friendly enough, so she decides to interview him.
"What would you say your best memory is as a farmer?" she asked.
"Well, I would have to say it was when John down the road lost his pig in the woods, so we found it, raped it, and brought it back."
"Oh. Okay..." obviously the reporter could not use that, so she tries again. "What was your next best memory as a farmer?"
"Well, one day my cow, Bessie, got lost in the woods. We found her, raped her and brought her back"
...that couldn't be used either of course, so the reporter thinks for a bit, and asks "What was your least favorite memory as a farmer?"
"Um. Well one night I got really drunk, and found myself lost in the woods..."

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What an Idea..!!!

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

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Memory wipe

"We've divided the population as you requested, Mr. President" announced the assistant "we just need your approval for the memory wipe".

"Wipe the memories from the groups 1 to 8" replied the president, "leave group 9 alone but wipe group 10 too"

"Sir, you want us to wipe groups 1 through 8 and then 10, but not 9? Group 9 refers to... children born between 1990 and 1999, why should they be left with their memories?"

The president looked out at the world from the window.

"Only 90's kids will remember this"

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The two most difficult things in programming...

The two most difficult things in programming are memory management, naming things, and off by one errors.

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There was a guy on a road trip who stopped at a rest stop at an Indian reservation

While paying for his items he asked that clerk about a strange man standing out front. The cashier said that's Running Wolf, he remembers everything. On his way out the man deciding to try out the Indians memory asks him what he had for breakfast. The Indian replies "Eggs". The man is slightly impressed but decides he has no better questions and leaves. Years latter the man unknowingly stops at the same rest stop and when he sees an old Indian man he greets him by saying "How". The Indian replies "Scrambled".

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If they release three more sequels of 'Fast and Furious' series...

They should name the last one - "Fast10 - Your Seatbelt" in memory of Paul Walker.

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A man turns 100 and is intervewed

"So, after 100 years of life, what is your greatest memory?" asks the interviewer.

"Ah, Mary. The most beautiful girl in the village. She got lost in the woods. All the men gathered, we found her, we got drunk and we fucked her."

"Oook, but do you have a less pleasant memory?"

"Ah, Jimmy. The most beautiful boy in the village. He got lost in the woods. All the men gathered, we found him, we got drunk and we fucked him." the man replies.

"Alright. Then what is your worst memory?"

"Well, I got lost in the woods once."

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Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner...

...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!" Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better."


"Did it work?" the other guy asks.


"Sure did! I'm remembering stuff more efficiently now. It was a big improvement."


"What was the name of the school?"


Stan looks off into the distance, furrows his brows and asks, "What is the name of the flower... usually comes in a dozen...has thorns...?"


"Rose?" the other man asks.


Stan looks to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that school I went to?"

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Yo momma so heavy

She make memory foam forget!!!!!

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When I was born God gave me a choice.

When I was born God gave me a choice.

I could either have a big Dick or a great memory.

For the life of me I cant remember which I chose.

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I was told that at birth I had a choice between perfect memory or a big penis.

"I fucking remember" i replied

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My clearest memory of high school is my friend asking me if I brought gym clothes

and me asking, "Who the fuck is Jim?"

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['90s] I just got a new computer.

It's called "The Tyson." It comes with two bytes and no memory.

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When I was a kid my fairy godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory

I forget my response.

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Yo mama's so fat

She gave her memory foam mattress brain damage

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A geek dies and goes to heaven.

After spending a few days there, he realizes there are a lot of people he wants to talk to, and a lot of questions he wants to ask them. He walks up to an angel and asks, "So how come we don't have iPads up here? It would be really nice to have an iPad; that way I could jot down a note about something I want to ask someone, and when I meet them, I can look it up again."

The angel says, "Dear brother, in heaven we do not need iPads to remember things for us, for we have perfect memory."

The geek replies, "But I heard rumors that in hell they have iPads. Why would they have them down there if we don't up here?"

The angel says simply, "Here's a telescope. See for yourself."

So the geek looks through the telescope. "Huh," he exclaims. "It looks like they're all looking for chargers!"

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I've got the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

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When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

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Vince McMahon opened a fitness center in the memory of Randy Savage.

The Slim Gym

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What's the difference between a woman with a cold and a prostitute with a photographic memory?

One blows her nose, one knows her blows

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Dementia

Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?"
The first man answers, "274."
The second man answers, "Tuesday."
The third man answers, "Nine."
The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?"
"Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."

The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me."

The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.

One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."

The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking."

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NSFW: Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In the loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

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Memory

A tourist was introduced to an Indian in New Mexico, who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptically, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943?"

The Indian answered, "Eggs."

The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "

Thirteen years later, the traveller's train stopped again in the small New Mexico town, and he saw the same Indian sitting on the train platform. The tourist went up to him and said jovially, "How!"

The Indian answered, "Scrambled."

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Yes...First Computer was from Apple

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

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I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.


She has a small issue, after a car crash, she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'll have a lovely day together, cheer, laugh, have fun, but she wont remember a thing in the morning.


We have our burdens, but I wouldn't leave her for anything in the world! I admire the way she handles her difficulties and I am proud of her.


Also: did I mention that, you know ... in the bedroom, she's willing to try anything, just once, to see if she likes it.

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I met a fairy today. She gave me the choice between a huge penis or a great memory...

I can't remember what happened next though.

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Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In memory of all the faces buried there.

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An old man goes to the doctor's

An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.

The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests have also shown that you have problems with your memory. It seems you have Alzheimer's."

The old man says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

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I have a Photographic memory

Unfortunately it's digital and it didn't come with a memory card.

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People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

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What is the difference between memory and ram?

I can't memory my weiner in your mouth.

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An old man with bad memory...

(Edit- spelling)

An old man with bad memory is with his friends, and they're talking about their memory issues.

"My wife and I have been going to this great memory clinic," says the man, "they teach us all sorts of mnemonic devices and other ways to help us remember things."

"That's amazing!" says his friend, "what's the name of the place?"

Taking a moment, the man sits, thinking, and then asks, "okay, what's the name of that flower, its beautiful and red and romantic, but has some thorns?"

"Oh! A rose?"

"That's it!! Hey Rose, what's the name of our memory clinic?"

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In memory of Sir Robin Wiiliams here are lists of top 5 funny jokes that gives me so much laugh.. thanks so much for brighten our day for a while Robin!

#1 Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: 'You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer.' Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, 'It's 5 o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.'

#2 You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you're 18, but by the time you're 80, it's a picket fence.

#3 Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

#4 We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

#5 My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes. β€” as Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

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Drinking can cause memory loss.

Or even worse, memory loss.

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When I was a kid my Fairy-Godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory

I can't remember what did I chose!

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IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?
Outstanding , Fred replied. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me .
That's great! What about the name of the clinic?
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?
You mean a rose?
Yes, that's it!
Then he turned to his wife and asked: Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

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A man is in a job interview..

"So it says here that you consider your memory to be one of your greatest strengths?"

"Absolutely."

"Could you give me an example of that?"

"An example of what?"

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The janitor couldn't remember where he put the floor polisher

As a programmer, this isn't the first time I encountered a 'buffer allocation failure due to memory error'

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Two older couple were having breakfast

old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night


old man 2: What's it's name?


old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?


old man 2: Carnation?


old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.


old man 2: Rose?


old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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A Chinese man wakes up on the beach with no memory. He says he thinks his name is Fred.

But I think he might be Wong.

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Donald Trump has his daily intelligence briefing.

"We're almost done, Mr. President-Elect," says the man conducting the briefing, "just one more small piece of information."

"Bring it on."

"5 Brazilian soldiers were killed last night"

"That certainly isn't a good thing," replies Trump, "but if you don't mind, could you refresh my memory on one thing?"

"Of course, Mr. Trump, what do you need?"

"How many is a Brazilian?"

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My friends tell me I have bad memory, but jokes on them...

My friends tell me I have bad memory, but jokes on them...

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How many short term memory loss patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

to get to the other side..

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A genie asked me if I wanted a good memory or a big penis.

Guy: A genie asked me if I wanted a good memory or a big penis.

Friend: What did you choose?

Guy: I don't remember.

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What do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram?

Memory loss.

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An 80 year old couple are talking with each other

"I've heard your memory is the first to go in old age," says the old man.

"I've heard your hearing is the first to go," says the old woman.

"What did you say?" he asks.

"I can't remember," she says.

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Chief Running Deer

About three years ago, driving through Arizona, I had to stop and pee. I went into a small gas station and there was an Indian guy there sitting at a table in full Indian Chief Regalia. A small sign said "Chief Running Deer. Greatest memory in the world. Ask any question for $1."

I figured I'd play along with the tourist trap, gave him a dollar, asked "What did you have for breakfast two years ago today?" He looked thoughtful for a few seconds, looked at me and said "eggs."

Of course, easy answer to a dumb easy question. I laughed a bit, thanked him, and went on my way.

About two weeks ago, I was driving through Arizona and stopped at the same place and he was still there. I decided to fuck with him. As I walked past him, I raised my right hand, and just like in the old time movies, greeted him with "How!"

He looked at me with a stern face, and said "Scrambled."

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Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them?

In memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

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I'm so out of shape

I can't even jog my memory!

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When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

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I have a photographic memory

I'm still developing it though.

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I was once attacked by a Frenchman with a baguette

That memory is still inbreaded within me.

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A college student walks up to the ten items or less line...

Heard on Car Talk... (from memory)

A college student walks up to the ten items or less line in a Boston supermarket....

He gets in line with an *enormous* number of items, far more than the 10 permitted.

The cashier takes a long look, and asks him, "So. You must be a student at either Harvard or MIT, right?"

"Why yes" he says, "how did you know?"

"Well, getting in *this* line with those groceries, you either go to MIT and can't read, or Harvard and can't count."

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I accidentally washed my cameras memory card.

Thankfully it still works but now all my images are watermarked.

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I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past.

Stupid memory foam...

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My Mom Had Memory Loss.

I hope I don't have it, as it runs in the family. You see, my mom had memory loss

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I was once given a choice by god; I could have a big penis, or the world's greatest memory recollection.

I can't remember for the life of me which one I chose.

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At birth, I was given a choice between having a large penis or a good memory

Too bad I can't remember what I chose

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my wife after 25 years of marriage asked me to choose my happiest memory, a moment when we were together

I said for god's sake woman, make up your mind, which one do you want?

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If smoking weed ruins your short term memory...

...then what does smoking weed do?

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My wife keeps saying that I'm not the man she married.

I thought *my* memory was bad.

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At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could.

A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm

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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve

It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just 1 byte and everything crashed

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Today an old lady with strange powers asked if I wanted great memory or a massive penis

I just wish I remembered which one I chose.

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People often ask me if weed hurts memory

I'd tell them but i don't remember.

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9/10 people have bad memory

But 9/11 people never forget.

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My fairy godmother asked me if i wanted a long memory or a long penis...

I don't remember what I said...

...but I have back problems now.

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My grandpa may be having trouble with his memory, but he still has a great sense of humor. He just told me this one: Why was the broom late for work?

Because 7,8,9

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Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

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A few years ago I freed a Genie and he gave me two options. A better memory or a longer dick.

I still can't remember what I chose though.

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What do you call an egyptian god with a photographic memory?

Cam-Ra

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A Rabbi becomes the head of a synagogue in a new town.

One of the old men in town dies and it comes down to the new Rabbi to hold funeral services for the old man. He begins the service, but soon realizes he did not know the man at all so he has nothing to say. He says to the audience: "I am new to this town and I did not know this man's life, you here all knew him well, is there anyone among you who has a fond memory or something nice to say about him in his passing?" A minute of deafening silence passes as the audience says nothing, two minutes, three, and the Rabbi begins to get nervous. Finally, before he is forced to speak, from the back of the room a person shouts, "HIS BROTHER WAS WORSE!"

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What are the best Memory puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Memory? Well, here are the best jokes about Memory to have fun with.

Joko Jokes