Memorial Day Jokes

57 memorial day jokes and hilarious memorial day puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about memorial day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Memorial Day Short Jokes

Short memorial day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The memorial day humour may include short veterans day jokes also.

  1. 10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.
  2. What's the best part about having Memorial Day off? 3 straight days without a school shooting.
  3. My fondest memory when I was a kid was building sandcastles with my grandpa. I really enjoyed it until the day my mom hid the urn from me.
  4. One of my proudest memories as a father was the day I got to cut the cord... Needless to say my son won't be bungee jumping again.
  5. I remember when Grandpa's memories started to go; it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it's annoying when I'm trying to drive.
  6. Me: How long have we had that mattress? Wife: No idea
    Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days
  7. Goldfish One day, baby goldfish went to ask him father :
    "Dad, why do our memories only last for 3 seconds?"
    "What son?"
  8. Memory foam pillows are the worst. As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.
  9. Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
    Friend: "What did he do?"
    Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
  10. I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over Memorial Day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins. Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.

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Memorial Day One Liners

Which memorial day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with memorial day? I can suggest the ones about labor day and mothers day.

  1. I wished everyone a Happy Memorial Day.. None of them responded
  2. Publicists these days have terrible memory.... which part are they missing? The Rampart
  3. America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales.
  4. I hope this gas station sells Father's Day cards.

Witty Memorial Day Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about memorial day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean workers day jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make memorial day pranks.

Man visits India and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory.

He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back.
"Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away.
Ten years later he returns to India and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?"
The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."

An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his.

They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.
After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck."
"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."
His friend agreed that was bad luck.
The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?"
"No, that was the first day I had my hook."

Once a teacher asked one of her students to memorize the numbers from 1-10.

And that night when he was memorizing he saw his mother drinking 7up, so the next day the teacher asked the student to say the numbers that he memorized so he replied," 1-2-3-4-5-6-8-9-10".
The teacher was confused so she asked the student," Where is the 7" so he said," my mom drank it last night!"

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.
The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.
He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

There are three men on a desert island: Genius, Smart, and Idiot.

Genius has concluded that at least one man must swim to shore and get help.
Genius volunteered himself, as he is the most likely to get remember to get help.
Genius, not being very athletic, swam halfway to safety and then drowned.
Days later, Smart finally realized Genius drowned.
Smart then decided it was his turn to swim and get help.
Idiot agreed because he didn't know what was happening.
Smart, not being very athletic, swam three quarte rs of the way to safety and drowned.
Days later, Idiot decided it must his turn to swim.
He also did not know what his goal was.
Idiot, not having very much intelligence, swam halfway to safety, felt tired, so he swam back to the island he was stranded on.

The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St.

Valentine's Day is... to forget it once!

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.
Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's collecting hobby.
Every day since January 1st, 1949, he collected ties with funny designs and wore them to work. Some had cats, or snakes or airplanes. He had close to 100 by the time he died several years ago. I remember as a kid how much I loved them, he had stories of what happened to him while.he wore those ties. He had an awesome memory and was good at telling stories.
When he passed, he left them to me. I couldn't keep all 100, and I also gave some to my cousins, but I decided to keep the ties that were his absolute favorites: his chicken pattern ties.
One day, he wore his first chicken tie when he met my grandmother. From then, he collected more chicken ties to remind him of her. I wear them every now and again, as well.
Thanks for reading this. I like to talk about them, but all my friends act weird when I tell them about my granddad's Hen Tie collection.

A day before the wedding

"Congratulations, my son, today will be forever in your memory as the happiest day of your life."" But the wedding is only tomorrow." "I know that, my son.."

I've started dating this girl with a small handicap.

She's the greatest! She's smart, funny, beautiful in her own special way and so loving it eaves me at a lack of words.
She has a small issue, after a car c**..., she suffered some brain damage and has no short-term memory. It's kind of like that movie "memento", you might have seen it. We'll have a lovely day together, cheer, laugh, have fun, but she wont remember a thing in the morning.
We have our burdens, but I wouldn't leave her for anything in the world! I admire the way she handles her difficulties and I am proud of her.
Also: did I mention that, you know ... in the bedroom, she's willing to try anything, just once, to see if she likes it.

Bad memory

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “"What’s wrong?”" The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says," I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” "
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”"
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “"I can’t remember where I live!”"

An old man goes to the doctor's

An old man goes to the doctor's because he has been feeling bad lately. The doctor does some tests on him and tells him to come back the next day for the results.
The next day the man gets his diagnosis. The doctor says: "Sir, I have bad news for you. You have inoperable cancer. The tests have also shown that you have problems with your memory. It seems you have Alzheimer's."
The old man says: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

An Illinois man…

…left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.  
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:  

A 98 year old man...

A 98 year old man goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor that he is in the best shape of his life. He can run around, his memory is great, and he just got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant.
The doctor pauses, looks at him, and replies, "My neighbor went out hunting one day and instead of grabbing his shotgun on the way out, he grabbed his umbrella. While he was out he saw a rabbit. He pointed the umbrella at him and yelled 'BANG BANG!' The rabbit dropped over dead. What do you think of that?"
The old man answers, "I think someone else shot that rabbit."
The doctor points at him and replies, "Exactly!"

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."
The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me."
The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.
One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."
The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the m**... Church, and I had to quit drinking."

There was once a great Polynesian king

He lived in a magnificent palace made of woven grass and sat on a beautiful throne.
One day another kingdom gave him a gift: a new throne, even more exquisite than the one he already had. The king wanted to replace his old throne right away, but he didn't want to just throw it away; he had so many good memories tied to it!
Instead, he had it moved to the attic, and then he proceeded to sit on his new throne. Unfortunately, since the palace was made of woven grass, it couldn't support the weight of the old throne. Thus the old throne came crashing down, falling on top of the king and killing him instantly.
The moral of the story: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!

An elderly lady's husband just passed away and to get things ready she went to the place that sells and engraves tombstones...

When she got there, she ordered the most expensive tombstone she could afford. They were married 65 years after all and; had 6 children, made lots of money, traveled many places, made lots of memories, and loved each other very much of course.
When paying for the tombstone, they asked what she would like engraved in the stone. To which she replied, "To my dearest husband, you were my love and my life. I cannot wait to see you again one day. Rest In Peace" as it was a common and courteous thing.
Later that day she went to find out what she would get of her husbands remaining possessions, as it turns out, he didn't leave her a thing, nothing. Not one item, not one car, not one penny.
The elderly lady was so furious. How could she not get anything after all they have been through? She knew her husband was tight with his money but this had to be a mistake. Going over the papers for a second, third, and fourth time it stayed the same. Nothing for the lady.
So the following day she goes back to the place she ordered the tombstone and said to the man running it, "I would like something added to my late husbands tombstone. You can keep everything I had on it. Especially the, 'Rest in Peace' , but I want you to add 'Until I Get There'."

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Ronald Reagan's Memory

One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."

I hope it doesn't rain on Memorial Day.

Or else we're going to have a lot of *spare* ribs.

What side of the American flag are the stars on?

Both sides.
Came from my FIL on this Memorial Day.

Email Joke

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

I called up my janitor the other day...

to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it.
I told him not to worry about it - that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"

Three old ladies

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?

The Tampax 300

It's Memorial Day and NASCAR is running the Tampax 300...
It's completely sold out but I knew someone who got me two tickets.
I had to pull a few strings, though.

Memorial Day...respectful joke. A small boy was staring at the names on the wall of an old church

when the pastor noticed him.
"What are you looking at?" asked the clergyman.
"All those names. Who are they?" the boy asked.
The pastor nodded, and said, "They are the reason we have Memorial Day. They are those who died in the service."
The little boy considered that, then asked quietly, "The 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock?"

Two guys were talking...

One of they said: "One day i found a magic genius, he offered me two things: A bunch of hot women's or a good memory." What did you choose? The other said. "I can't remember..."

An elephant was drinking out of the river one day...

When he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log.
The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."

This year, the White House's Memorial Day Barbecue will be serving sliders...

Or as Trump calls them, "regular-sized hamburgers."

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

TIL: The Titanic was not just a passenger liner, but also a cargo ship

Among other things, it was carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise bound for Mexico. When Mexico heard that they would not receive it, they understandably upset, and decided to name a day in memorial of it. They called this day Cinco de Mayo.

It's going to be a hot Memorial Day weekend, so our town's ice store is having a liquidation sale.

Note: Not the best joke out there, but I believe it's OC. Let me know

An old married couple is laying in bed one night

And the woman turns to the man and says, "we're both old so one of us is going to die soon, but if I die first are you going to remarry?"
The man says, "No no, I will never remarry you're the only one for me."
But the wife insists and she says, "no I want you to remarry if I die, but the next question is will you take down my pictures after you remarry."
The husband says, "How could I? I would want to keep your memory on until my dying days.
But the wife isn't satisfied and she asks one more question,
"Would you give her my golf clubs?"
And the husband says, "Of course not she's left handed."

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.
Congratulations Harry, his boss said. I just wanted to tell you I've been married for 22 years, and I'm sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.
But, I'm not getting married until tomorrow, Harry said.
Yeah I know, his boss said.

This Just in: Casinos in Vegas are hoping to be open by Memorial Day. I'm really excited to get back to work!

Said, the Corona Virus.

Three old ladies playing a round of bridge

The first old lady says, "You know, I'm really starting to lose my memory these days. The other day I went into the kitchen and forgot why I went."
The second old lady shakes her head, "That's nothing. The other day I went down the stairs and stopped halfway because I didn't know why I was going down."
The third lady says nothing and keeps playing, and the other two look at her expectantly. She looks at them both, "What? Don't look at me, my memory is as solid as this table." She then knocks on the table, looks at the door and says, "Hello? Who's there?!"

What do you call a dog ,with one eye, and one leg?

In loving memory of my father who was the biggest jokester, until his very last days, all he wanted to ,do was make others laugh.
He wanted us to put a f**... machine in his casket and let them blow, my mom wouldn't allow it...

jokes about memorial day