Membership Jokes

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'OK then, 2 minutes.'

I have Abs

olutely wasted my gym membership.

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'

'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'Its only 2 minutes then'

Credit to /u/Ron_manager who posted this a year or so ago, it's a breath of fresh air compared to the usual Bolt/Hitler one that does the rounds.

I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said:

"You have reached the end of you free trial membership at"

I decided to cancel my gym membership today...

...just didn't work out.

I just cancelled my gym membership

It wasn't working out.

I just cancelled my gym membership

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

after 9 months of procrastination, of psyching myself up and never following through, last night i finally went to the gym

to cancel that damned membership.

Not feeling creative?

Open up a gym membership and see how many excuses you can come up with not to go.

I just cancelled my overpriced gym membership

I feel like I've finally lifted a huge weight off my chest

If I had a dollar for every post I've seen about NET neutrality...

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What did the incredibly racist country club owner reply to the Black guy who applied for membership?

"Come on right in! Every brother is welcome in my crib!"

My gym just sold me a lifetime gym membership for our unborn baby.

I hope it works out.

My ex dumped me because I was too impatient. So to make myself feel better I got a gym membership.

I still haven't seen any results and I've been training for hours now!

Why did the black man go to the golf-club on Sunday afternoon?

Because he had a membership.

Loving beer and wanting abs is hard

So I had to cancel my gym membership due to conflict of interests

The Tories,

The Tories, with ageing voters and falling membership are worried about being "left behind". Why?

They're already right arses.

If they get left behind as well they can be complete arses.

I've assigned for a 6 months gym membership and i still have'nt seen any progress!

I must go there myself and see what went wrong.

Only people with 132+ IQ will get this...

A Mensa membership

So I got rid of my gym membership...

just didn't work out ʘ ل͟ʘ

Republicans love black people!

They send millions of them to a place where they get a free room, free rent and a gym membership

It's been 5 days since news broke about Amazon CEO's illicit photos being leaked and I've still yet to see them.

Thankfully I dropped my prime membership last week.

My family was split up over an argument about gym membership.

My wife wanted to continue, but we just didn't work out.

I bought a gym membership 3 months ago and I haven't lost even 1 pound

I might even go there and check what's taking so long

My bank called me today and asked if my card was stolen today

I said No, why do you ask
Bank teller: We have a transaction here for a gym membership, not sure if it was you or not

My New Business for 2015

So, my business plan: I'm going to open a new business in 2015. For the first THREE weeks of the year, it is a gym. For the next 49 Weeks, it turns into a bar! That way, you can buy a year long membership and KNOW you can get your money's worth. The name: Resolutions
Whattya Think??

I wish i could meet mormon chicks at the supermarket

But i don't have a costco membership

What do you get when you put human DNA into a goat?

An ISIS membership.

What's the difference between an abortion clinic and Costco?

I didn't need a membership for one of them.

My new year's resolution is to get my gym membership


We have collected gags that can be used as Membership pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Membership, here are one liners and funny Membership pick up lines.

Joko Jokes