The Best 64 Members Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Members jokes. There are some members isil jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these members exclusive puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Members Jokes and Puns

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"

The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".

The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"

The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

What did one Muslim say to another in a supermarket?

Nothing very interesting, they are both completely ordinary members of society who should not be judged based on their ethnic background and skin colour.

And then the building exploded.

Members joke, What did one Muslim say to another in a supermarket?

How many members of an identifiable group does it take to perform a common task?

A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.

Why couldn't the vaginas participate in the golf tournament?

Because they weren't members.


I'm no racist.

But those Ku Klux Klan members all look the same to me.

Aerosmith

According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.

Members joke, Aerosmith

How many NRA members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: More guns.

Nun takes a vow of silence

A woman joins a convent that requires a vow of silence, allowing members only two word a decade.

Ten years go by and the woman tells the head nun, "Room cold." They give her a heater and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and she says, "Bed hard." They give her a new mattress and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and the woman says, "I quit." The head nun says, "Fine by me. All you've done since you got here is complain."

I was trying to form a club for eunuchs at my high school...

But there weren't enough members.

TIL that curling used to be coed...

But the decision was made to segregate because the committee felt the female members had an unfair advantage, being naturally better sweepers.

You can explore members upstanding reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean members fellows dad jokes. There are also members puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


3 priests at lunch

So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.

One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.

The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.

"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"

"Yes."

"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"

"I don't see why I would, boss."

Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,

"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

How many Coldplay members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but he has to see Radiohead do it first.

Why are the Ninja Turtles on the No-Fly list?

Because they are members of an underground Splinter cell.

If two KKK members get in a fight...

And someone else nearby gets hit, do they get caught in the cross fire?

Members joke, If two KKK members get in a fight...

Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

Because they'll always let friends access their private members.

Ba dum tiss.

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.

"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."

Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."

"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.

"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"

The Funeral

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.


A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."

Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.

Toughen Up

I'm sick of people telling me I'm a weakling so last night I went to the gym.

After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge.
Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said... "Stop pulling on the door mate, we're closed."

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because PETA can't change anything.

-A joke I found inside the game manual for Super Meat Boy for Steam.

London held a monocle convention for high class members of society...

... it was a respectable spectacle spectacle.

Don't sleep with family members...

...no matter how much they incest.

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

They ask God who did 911. God replies, "It was perpetrated by members of the Islamic terrorist group Al Qaeda."

One whispers to the other, "Dude, this goes way higher than I thought."

Three members of the KKK walk into a bar...

They sit at the back in full costume.

The first Klansman thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"

The second Klansman thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"

The third Klansman thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"

There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..

but enough about the Church ..

I walked into a locker room today, and saw a bunch of members of Donald Trump's new administration standing around completely nude…

… I've never seen so many Goldman sacks!

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."

The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"

The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"

The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

the flat earth society ...

... has members all around the globe

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Did you hear the Flat Earth Society is really gaining ground?

They say they have members all around the globe now.

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

Breaking: Bus Carrying 53 KKK Members Overturns on I-95

There were some minor injuries, but they're all white

What did Pablo Escobar say when he was ratted out by members of his own cartel?

"I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you MedellΓ­n kids"

The other day I saw 4 gang members beating up a kid.

So I decided to step in. He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us.

What do you call the pack of boars who killed members of Isis?

Squeal Team 6

My doctor asked me if any of my family members suffered from mental illnesses

I said no, they all seem to enjoy it.

I saw 4 gang members beating up a little kid

So I decided to step in, there's no chance he can take all 5 of us.

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

How do you prevent family members from having sex with each other?

Use incesticide.

I was arguing with a flat Earth believer

We argued about how many members the flat Earth community had. He said "We have members all around the globe".

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

How do ISIS members practice safe sex?

they mark the camels that kick

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.

So I was arrested for showing my erection to an NPR host...

I don't get it. She SAID she wanted to see more sustaining members.

A blonde joins a book club.

She goes along to the first meeting and it's her turn to share what she's been reading this week.

"Well, it took me a while to finish, but this was a brilliant read and I highly recommend it". She pulls out a bookmark and shows it to the group.

One of the members says, "Um... That's not a book"

"What are you talking about? Mark at the library gave me this when I asked him for a book!"

Final Memories

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Three men from the same country enter a competition to see who has the most children.

As they enter the stadium, the enormous crowd starts cheering in excitement. The first man comes up, and his family of 20 accompanies him on stage. The second man comes up, revealing his enormous family of 60 members. The third man comes up on the stage, but nobody comes up with him. The crowd then starts chanting:

DADDY! DADDY! DADDY...

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU

Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."

"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.

Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."

wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"

Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"

How many of Trump's cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?

I dunno, none of them have lasted longer than a light bulb.

Did ya hear why they're closing down the eunuchs club?

Cause they lost all their members.

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?

"Yes!"

So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?

"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

What do you call a book club that's been reading the same book for years - and yet the members still have no clue as to what it's about?

An Evangelical Christian church.

A man walks into his house and there are many family members in his living room

He says If I where a betting man I would say that y'all are here to stop me from doing something and a relative speaks up and says you are a betting man. This is your intervention .

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

One of my band members asked why I was using such a thin plectrum...

I told him it was slim pickin's at the music shop.

Our clan has a tradition of naming our children after deceased family members.

We named our son "Grandpa."

Why are KKK members terrible mechanics?

They never check under the hood.

What rock group has four members that can't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore

What do lesbians and gang members have in common?

Stay strapped or get clapped

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the members council jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working members representatives piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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